Saturday, December 18, 2010

Free from School! (Vickie)

It is finally break! Wow.... I can't believe it. My roommate moved out and it has been absolutely wonderful. Having extra space in the apartment has infused me with a new level of creativity, which I thrive off of. I'm a TCM Wood element. Meaning, I thrive on creating and expanding. I've been devoting some serious time to my Rotaract club, starting my business, and learning as much as I can about the biochemistry of food allergies and remedies. I even got a chance to carve out some space for a music and art studio in the living room, which makes me unbelievably happy. I got a little mini Christmas tree that I put in the middle of the space right in front of the window so that I can show off!

On Monday I am flying to Ohio for a week. I'm a bit nervous. Between my diet and not going home for my grandfather's funeral, AND this will be the first time "out of the closet" with my family.... it's going to be an interesting trip!

I also have pictures of my new office space! YAY!

I have been so careful with my diet lately (well... diligent; I have had some pretty nasty slip ups) and I am feeling amazing now. Today, I also met with the HHP (Holistic Health Practitioner.... what I am studying for at Mueller) that I went to for AAT. I haven't been entirely happy about my experience with him, but I am hoping it is worth it. We are doing a combination of AAT and some other programs he is trained in. AAT is apparently not a very good idea in my case because it works in the same way taking a battery out of the fire alarm gives relief from constant alarms that something is wrong. But my "alarms" are apparently not false alarms and there is some legit underlying problems. We did do an AAT session today for Oxalates, which hopefully will take the edge off of my sensitivities so that I can take some of my supplements. In the mean time, I am learning a lot about new energy therapies. I am totally amazed by the physics. Check out this link (its a 45 minute clip) about muscle testing and a protocol they are using in Japan.

and this one about the supposed discovery of the "fountain of youth". The team even got a Nobel prize! My HHP wants me to take it.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Lyme & Co is coming back (Vickie)

I feel like I am descending into my own little autistic world again. My symptoms from the Lyme Disease and Co-infections are returning. It is still worth it to stay on this new diet (which also means I can't take my Lyme meds), it is incredibly frustrating.

- My mental clarity is decreasing. I feel like I am in a bubble and fuzzy.
- My spacial manipulation is impaired (dyslexia, symbols & numbers are harder to comprehend, difficult to organize things and line them up, etc)
- My sleep is much more shallow
- Opportunistic infections are coming back. Candida is the biggest one, but several others too.
- Decrease in facial recognition. I can't see the details in faces anymore and be able to identify people.
- concentration is faltering. I tried to take my math test this morning. What normally takes me less than 20 minutes took me twice as long.
- Urges to rock, talk in animal sounds, and hit myself returning

It is disturbing and anxiety provoking. I feel like I am getting lost in my own world again where I am having trouble connecting with other people and navigating through the world. It is getting harder to balance my life and get tasks done. I want to scream for somebody to help me. But I know that I am the only one that can help myself.

Unfortunately, unemployment is on the rocks again. I am being forced to open my business 9 months early. My roommate moved out unexpectedly, so I converted the room into an office. But now I have a lot of pressure to somehow make $500 extra a month, at least. And then I am most likely completely dependent on my business to cover all my expenses in March. It's not an impossible task, but will be just that much more difficult with my Lyme problems returning.

This Holistic Health Practitioner that I am seeing for AAT has so far been a disaster. He gave me some supplements that have gluten in them. I am honestly afraid to see him again. I am hoping to be able to work with him without all the supplements and make some progress so that I can take my Lyme meds. It is my only hope right now.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

New Name

It's official! I've been on a cloud all day. Its my re-birthday. hehe. I'm RVA legally now. Now I get to run all around to the DMV and IRS and SSI and the bank, my school, my financial aid, etc and change my name. I updated my name at one of my schools today and finally got a student ID card (i've been waiting until the name change was official). I look so happy in my picture!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Insightful story

I want to share a link to a blog that I found. It is a 96 "chapter"-page story on a couple trying to raise two adopted children that were abused before they got them and suffered severe food-related problems. The story follows their attempt to figure out what was making the children sick and the difficulties in raising them. It was a real eye opener for me. I relate in many ways to the children. It gives me hope that some day I will find an answer and patience knowing that I probably won't until I just don't care anymore and I give up.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Old enemies

I have some pretty bad memories growing up of trying to get rid of my acne. My mom would pin me when I was little to squeeze out a blackhead. When I was older, she made me wear makeup to cover it all up and bought me all sorts of medicated face washes. I would often wake up in the morning having felt like I didn't sleep, my face swollen and puffy, and in tears with pain. I eventually determined that I was sensitive to Salicylates. They are in aspirin, acne medications, and anything mint. So, I did my best to avoid the obvious culprits. But I regularly got guilted into using my acne facewashes, would wake up before school in tears and pain, and get shamed, yelled at, or occasionally thrown out of bed and across the room to motivate me to "get my ass to school".

At this time, I also simply stopped eating. I was too sick in the mornings to eat, would eat what I could tolerate at lunch, be half-starved by afternoon snack, and then devour whatever was given to me at dinner even if I hated it. I rarely felt good after dinner. I would get extremely tired for about a half hour, then anxious and jittery and incapable of sleeping for HOURS later. It worked out ok for me though, because it meant that I could stay up later doing homework. I never could concentrate on my homework while my mother was awake and in the house. Thankfully she went to bed early most nights. I had to get up at 6am though for school, so I rarely slept more than 6 hours.

We also had a "bread drawer" where we kept all the bread, cookies, chips, etc. By the time I was in High School, I had long ago refused to eat sandwiches or anything out of the drawer. I also refused to eat cereal and pretty much any fruit that was in the house (usually only grapes and apples). I had either oatmeal, a waffle, or nothing in the morning. I tried convincing my parents to let me go vegetarian at one point because I hoped that would make me feel better. Their response to that was to prepare ONLY pasta and meat dishes for a month. My mom refused to even prepare our normal veggie side dishes.

I was wild, unpredictable, moody and emotional as a child and teen. I had poor concentration, was easily provoked into a screaming rage, and would go days spinning out of control in a manic whirlwind followed by weeks and months of depression so deep, I didn't even have the motivation to try and kill myself. I knew something was wrong. But the doctors said I had a clean bill of health. I apparently wasn't "crazy" enough to be allowed to see a therapist. If I tried to utilize the school therapists or go to the nurse, my mother would guaranteed find out (she worked at the school) and would harass me until she found out my "reason" for going and then would yell at me that I was just fine. Needless to say, I don't have fond memories of growing up.

Since then, I have been searching for the answer to what was causing me to feel so bad and act so out of control. I was diagnosed with Celiac disease and that answered a lot of questions. I've found many more food intolerances since then too. I've always avoided salicylates outright (like aspirin and face wash) but never more than that (except a brief time in college when I only used salicylate free soaps, shampoo, toothpaste, etc). The problem is, and I've said this over an over.... the healthier food I eat, the sicker I get.

Guess what?!?! Salicylates are found in MOST fruits and vegetables. Growing up, I didn't eat a whole lot of flavorful foods that have natural salicylates in them. We had a pretty crappy diet of nothing but pasta and meat and salt and pepper. We didn't eat veggies or fruit or have nuts and seeds and spices, teas or condiments. But as I have searched for "safe" food in my gluten free, dairy free, soy free, yeast free, oat free, and corn free diet.... I have started to eat a lot more veggies and oils and vinegars and spices and all sorts of things. But I still stay up late wracked in pain (and there are no "safe" pain meds for me to take) and wake up feeling like shit. I go through the day in a stupor and my 6 years of chronic diarrhea is only getting worse. Granted, I'm a hell of a lot healthier and more functional (at least cognitively) than I was growing up. But you know what!?, I just want to have a good solid crap and a restful night's sleep. Is that really too much to ask???

I'm not happy about trying an elimination diet to see if salicylates really are my problem. There is a pretty good likelihood they are though. This is going to be really tough. Its kinda crappy to realize this on Thanksgiving and going into the holiday season. I finally thought I had figured out something so that this year I can FINALLY partake in the festivities and not just stand around starved watching everyone else pig out. As much as I don't like it, I also don't have the luxury of throwing out all the food in my house and restocking with "safe" salicylate free food because I am beyond poor. Its going to be a tough journey of negotiation and gradual replacement of the most troubling culprits to start with. The salicylate diet is much more complicated than a gluten free diet. Wish me luck! I am going to need it!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

More gluten (alex)

I've been spending a lot of time in a lot of excruciating pain lately (and on the toilet). A few days ago when I increased my meds, it got worse. So I did a bit of investigating.

Guess what?!?! The manufacturer of my medications changed the inactive ingredients to include corn starch, which i react to as if it was wheat gluten. great.

Even more joyful is learning that "enriched" rice is "enriched" by spraying it with starch so that it has more nutrients. So.... that makes most types of rice that I eat, NOT gluten free. White vinegar is made from corn too. My frantic search to find a safe ketchup and avoid headaches has resulted in NOTHING! Damn it! You can take away my tacos and my english muffins, but I won't let you take away my ketchup!!!!! I guess i'm making my own ketchup from now on!

I'm not eating healthy. I'm struggling to get enough calories. And the calories I am getting is from fat... peanut butter and other nuts, full fat coconut milks, pan-frying all of my food in copious amounts of oil or drenching my salads in oil. OMG I am so frustrated. I need help feeding myself.

Will this ever stop???

Apparently not.... my boxed potatoes have corn on them too. I feel utterly defeated. At least I know why I've been getting so sick lately. All I've been eating is my boxed potatoes and enriched rice.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Ghosts (Vickie)

My neighbor committed suicide yesterday. Last night the police were here cleaning up the mess. My apartment manager is totally unhinged about it. I've been in shock. I didn't know her well. But we share two walls with each other, including the bathroom with all the piping and everything. My roommate and I felt a totally strange energy yesterday morning and now her ghost won't go away. She was in the shower with my roommate earlier today. I have felt her presence in a general sense, but not specifically yet.

I really don't want to deal with this. I've been confronted with more ghosts at an alarming rate this past 6 months than I really care to since I finished Trauma Touch Therapy. My grandfather has been causing trouble back at home. Not so much here though. He showed up and I talked to him and told him to go away. I haven't seen/felt him since. But he has been at my dad's place a few times. However, I don't feel like this ghost is going to have such a quick resolution. She is lonely and terribly sad and wants company. I have a problem with that. I don't know the woman. I wouldn't even let my grandfather stay. My roommate suggests that this may be a learning opportunity in energetic boundaries. I may try talking to her and setting some boundaries. This is certainly much more complex than the two spirits that live in my Spanish lamps (I had to finally tell them who was boss and let them have their own space, because they were crowding me out of my own apartment! We made some deals and compromises.).

So, my roommate and I have decided that we will be moving out of the apartment in January. We actually made the decision before the whole suicide thing because there is so much mold in the apartment complex that I have been very sick.

I'm just totally freaked out by this whole ordeal.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Coping with Grief (Vickie)

I've been Ms. Networking this week. I created a LinkedIn profile, polished my website for my massage business, updated the Facebook page for my business, became more active in both of the forums I frequent (one for bigender stuff and the other for Lyme Disease), relaunched my networking Facebook page (almost 500 friends!), and helped create a group and page on FB for the Rotaract club that I am helping to start. We went to Vegas last weekend for a conference to learn some great tips on how to help our club move forward! It was great.

Right now I am listening to Europop and dance/techno. I am really working to reach out to people and find my roots here. I need a web of support. And boy, have I managed to create one over the last year! It has been inspiring. Not so inspiring for for my homework/school grades though. I am looking forward to break. I have been on the go for much longer than I should have been. Good news is that my Lyme meds are actually working (!!!!!) so I am handling it reasonably well.

I've been struggling with balancing my checkbook these days with all the doctor/therapy appointments I am going to. Its been a big source of stress these days. And, keeping up with my therapy and Lyme eradication protocol. Its a job in itself!!! I am enjoying my classes this quarter, but they are a bit much sometimes. Especially my Kinesiology class. I'm not really eating anything anymore.

I've had a bit of change on my gender perspective. I've been sliding into a more static bigender situation. My third gender, while there, is not much a part of my life right now. I haven't quite figured it out yet. Maybe I will update about it later.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Taking back my blog! (Alex)

I'm falling apart. I'm struggling with premonitions and the fact that they are coming true. I've been haunted with them my whole life. But I thought I finally made them stop. I've been grieving my grandfather for the past week and a half and trying to figure out how to deal with what I knew. And then it actually came to pass.... my grandfather passed away last night. My Lyme meds are making my ears go haywire and if I don't get it figured out in the next 48 hours, my doctor said I won't be able to fly and thus make it to the funeral.

I am freaking out because our stove is still broken and it makes a difficult situation in feeding myself even more difficult. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. And since I have been so sick and struggling for the previous 10 days, I'm so behind in homework that I am risking serious damage. I have an exam in all four classes starting Thursday and going through Tuesday and some of the classes I haven't even learned the material yet.

So let me say a few things to you ASSHOLES that keep sending me messages about how terrible a person I am. I want to know if you think it is "bitchy" to mourn my grandfather, or get stressed out that I struggle to feed myself, or if I am afraid that I will miss my grandfather's funeral because of some "made up" disease that I should be "grateful" that I am alive because "some people are worse off than me" or some other shit. THIS IS MY BLOG AND NOT YOURS!

I have a right to my own feelings and actions and delusions if that is what they may be. If I tried to be like you and make myself a straight laced, gun carrying, bible thumping idiot like most of you are, or an intellectual "I'm better than you" know-it-all (and by the way, I already have a list of names that I tracked down via all of your IP addresses) most of you would probably have a bullet hole through you (with the sound softened by shooting through your own bible or textbook of choice). But I am not like you. Thus, that is the reason you still have the freedom to harass me. I accept that there are people that life an alternative lifestyle out there consisting of worshiping idols and fake gods and scientific numbers and dead poets. But you don't see me getting in your face about it, do you? So FUCK OFF and live your own deluded life. I'm quite happy in my own delusion, thank you very much!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Wow, what a week! (Alex)

I got my decision from Social Security on my disability today! DENIED! I plan on repealing with the new information from the Lyme Disease. I'm kinda glad though, because I need the extra money from unemployment for my doctors and if I went on disability, I would have a substantial decrease in income. Its been quite a week. A tough one emotionally, but I got through it nearly 100% in tact and I learned a lot about myself. I'm glad it is over. I've got the weekend to do homework, catch up with friends, and get some much needed relaxation and recuperation. I might even go for a bike ride after I set up the pots and pans drum set on the kitchen floor! Its NEVER too late to be a kid!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Local Lyme Advocate! (Alex)

Check out this link to a 5 minute clip on lyme disease. Local San Diego 6 News reporter is a survivor of lyme's disease. She is now an advocate and attended a Lyme disease awareness walk last saturday (that i was unaware of) here in San Diego.

Looking a the pictures on Facebook of the event really made me realize that I am not alone. I may have lost everything, but there are thousands out there that are going through the same thing. I look forward to the day when I can wear a t-shirt that says "I survived", too! Those pictures also made me realize that for many, death is preferable to living a life with lyme. I don't mean to sound fatalistic. Lyme is a TERRIBLE thing. It makes me so angry that people don't understand the severity. Its like having cancer and doctors telling you that you are making it up and that you are crazy because they can't diagnose it for years. Imagine going through cancer without any support from family or friends or society because no one had heard of it. I am forever thankful to be under the care of my naturopath that is helping me get better by leaps and bounds. I have hope for the first time. <3

Monday, October 18, 2010

Boyfriend with Health Benefits (Vickie- red)

This is amazing. hehe. I can't say I'm entirely innocent of actually doing this either...... :-/

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

New Direction (Vickie- purple)

I've been seriously considering stopping blogging the past month or so. I've been getting an increasing number of "anonymous" hate comments on my blog here. Today I got another one and it really made me upset because it was worded in a way that sounds like someone from my family wrote it. In the spirit of Mathew Shepard and yesterday being National Coming Out Day, and today's events revolving around that, I have decided not to let hate defeat me.

Mesa College, where I have started taking some classes, is trying to start up an LGBT group on campus. I went to their meeting and there was like 12 people there (and it was their 3rd ever!) and 3 of us were trans! In honor of yesterday being Nat'l Coming Out Day, we did a round table on our coming out experiences. It was an amazing experience for me because I have never shared that before, nor heard other stories first hand. It made me feel like I wasn't the only one who had suffered at the hands of homophobic towns or schools or religions or parents. But also, many (if not most) had utterly happy and peaceful coming out experiences which made me very very happy.

Mathew Shepard was a college student in Wyoming that was brutally murdered because he was gay. In light of that, the news and media have been talking about scores of young LGBT that have suffered abuse and hate; bullying and being driven to suicide in the past few weeks. I may get a few hateful messages here, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm genderqueer and proud to be part of the LGBT community. I'm also thankful that I have wonderful doctors and therapists that are helping me recover from Lymes Disease, which is no less traumatic than having cancer. I need to reach out into the Lymes community for help and support. I'm not going to be bothered by idiots that dare challenge me that I am "just fine" living sick. Anyone who cares about me would want me healthy and happy.... even if it was JUST an imagined illness.

Its been an amazing week so far. I've reconnected with the Rotary club and plan to get very active in the group, perhaps even being president next year. Yesterday I ran into Bastyr college at Mesa and decided to finally follow my dream of going there. And I am going to have fun playing with body paint with my friends on Thursday and go to free Qigong lessons in Balboa Park next Saturday. I see Dr. Mazza next week and I am going to ask her for approval to start Testosterone. I think I want to start sooner rather than later. I want to change my life NOW. Do the things I've always wanted to do. I only have today to live and tomorrow to dream about. I don't want to wait anymore and always put shoulds in front of wants. I don't live under an authoritarian life/fun sucker anymore. I live under my own authority.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Flashback (Bex- yellow)

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up and my energy was a mess. It was "processing" but not right. This morning it was wet and rainy and I felt "damp". I am a fire sign/person, so I lit candles and made some tea and recharged. When i got in the shower, I had a flashback of when I was shaken and hit and trapped in a corner. It was really scary. I spent several hours afterwards working it out and using the skills I have worked so hard to gain this past year from Trauma Touch therapy, from school, from DBT, and from my own intuition. I can't say I enjoyed the process of letting it process.... but I am feeling much better and feel like it actually DID process, and not re-traumatize me. That is a HUGE step. I have never accomplished that before. I know that the massage triggered it. I don't know what I expected or intended from working from a massage therapist, but I do feel that this is the right thing to do. Even just a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have been able to do this.

One thing that has really helped recently is that I got a mugwort plant. It is like the shaman of the plant world. Its pretty awesome. It is a protector plant and has a strong spirit and dispels bad spirits and energy. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting in the presence of a plant that is emanating smiley faces in the air. Its so cool. I wish I got more sunlight in my apartment because I would totally keep a Venus Fly Trap too.

I feel much more optimistic about my next massage now than I did last night. Its been a pretty powerful process this past 12 hours. I'm also glad that I'm doing this every 2 weeks. I need the time in between to fully process anything that happens.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Vickie- purple

I've made the decision to start getting massage. I figure, I need to be comfortable receiving massage before I can BE a massage therapist. My goal is to work with someone that can help me with my somatic issues and build up trust. My naturopath, Dr. Mazza, recommended a friend of her's that is also an MD in mexico. We had an appointment this evening. He did a mostly Tu'i Na session (which is kinda like the Asian version of Swedish with a bit of deep tissue). I set out clear boundaries, and he (mostly) followed them... nothing bad, just stuff I wasn't clear enough on. I figure that this is going to take a few (or more) sessions to be comfortable with, even just the concept of getting a massage.

This is a scary step for me. The way Mueller handled my trauma history ended up giving me severe PTSD. At least I know what I need to do to.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Vickie- purple

I had a really good session with my therapist today. For the first time in a long time, I feel like someone is one my side, and can actually help me climb out of this hell hole I live in. For the first time I have hope that the terrible things people did to me for 18 years won't haunt me in my dreams anymore and won't make me scream in terror when I am awake.

Fuck you all that made me ruin my life.

I've also realized something. I'm terrified of sitting in silence when someone else is in the room/apartment/house. The only time I ever experienced silence growing up was when I was about to be assaulted. Thats cuz the TVs and radio were turned off whenever something was about to happen.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Malaise (Bex-black)

The stage of Lyme disease I'm currently suffering with directly correlates to Tertiary Syphilis. Its crazy how similar the two diseases are. But it makes sense, since both are similar "bugs". I'm not on the Venus Fly Trap anymore because it is in a suspension of ethanol that is making me sick. So, right now I've been loading up on vitamins and minerals like zinc and Vit. A. I am back on the detox homeopathics and also one for arthritis. (btw.... I cannot believe how painful arthritis is!) I'm starting to get boils all over me, which means I have a deep, systemic infection and my immune system can't keep up. I hope that tomorrow I can start taking micro-nutrients that are formulated to combat Lymes. Meanwhile, I'm struggling with a bad herxheimer reaction to the homeopathics and a cold.

The weather here has been kinda crazy. It was over 100F (it was 105F when I was at school) on Monday. Its been thunder and rain all day today. I can't remember the last time there was this much variation in the weather here in San Diego. It's nice.

I'm officially a full time student now! 11 credits at Mueller and 5 at Mesa. At the moment I'm feeling over whelmed, but I'm sure it will get better in a few weeks.

I got a whole bunch of new fish last week... one died today. :-( They are little guppies. I got another frog too for the tank. I think I might need to get a hood and filter for the whole thing. I had 3 colored ones and two golden ones (a different species). The colored ones keep chasing and biting the golden ones. Now a gold one is dead. I don't know what is going on.

I've got a new roommate.... again. *sigh*

I've been seeing my gender therapist for almost 3 months now. She has had me join group therapy to... DBT. So, I'm in DBT again. I don't like it much better than before, but we will see where it goes and hopefully it gets better. She wants to make me open up about some of my trauma history at our next appointment, which is Friday. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Mostly not good ones.

I've been watching the TV show Bones on DVD lately. Its easier just to get lost and check out in the show than reality sometimes. I don't feel pain when I check out. And now that UCSD has started up again, Adam is back in San Diego running the calpirg office. All I can think about is how much I want to be part of the pirg chapters and that i want to prove that I am good enough to get into UCSD. When I do, I intend on being chapter chair and doing something for that chapter that he is just not capable of doing. Make it successful.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Shards (Alex-blue)

I've kinda been disappointed in myself the past few months or so because I haven't been posting a whole lot about my gender these days. Its been as if I have this mind set that posting about my genders has to be some paradigm shifting thought or something. Also, that when I post about my genders.... it should be about discovering something about one of them, not about them as a whole. A fellow poster at refers to his/her genders as "shards" as in shards of glass, because s/he sees each gender as a shard of a mirror. It prompted me to think about my own "shards".

At one point in my life, I did feel like I was like a mirror, often shattering apart and then being glued back together. I felt powerful and capable and complete when I was glued together. But then I would fall apart again. I would feel lost and wondering what happened and where did who I was go?

For me, it took me 23 years to realize that when i felt that way (complete and capable), I was experiencing a whole different gender state and not a place that was "finally me and finally whole!". it was something entirely unique. It was not really me gluing the mirror back together, rather, it was finding a few pieces big enough that I could see myself in as a whole. It energized me and made me feel on top of the world. I finally did break the cycle of feeling complete and capable to feeling fragmented and confused and lost. But at that time, I tried everything to get a fix to make me feel good again. It made me feel like if I didn't somehow get all my energy back and be on full energy (like I did when I felt "put together") then I would never feel stable and happy and complete and healthy.

It has been taking a long time to figure out what exactly it means to be a gender that is not female or male and to come to terms that this is just a part of me, not an ideal place. I eventually learned that for me, the mirror was my surface layer and there was something beneath that was a core and didn't change and I could tap into it whenever I wanted. It was earth shattering for me. I found the strength and the thread I needed to not feel fragmented and lost. It stabilized me. My 3rd gender feels at times like it is the closest to my life force, my core, because I don't feel constrained to what I should be, or do, or think, or whatever as male or female. I can incorporate all that I love about male and female and it makes me feel more whole. Thus, my 3rd gender is my "comfort" zone. My comfort gender. But it is not my core. It is different. And that surprised me even more when I really started trying to figure out what my core was. I found out, yet again, that my 3rd gender is not something that I pass through on my way from male to female and vice versa or when I feel fragmented or complete like I once thought. Its a complete gender on it's own. I definitely do know that if I feel "broken" or don't feel "stable" I can not just "hide" or be another gender while it all works out. I'm not a split person, I am a whole one, and so when something goes wrong I suffer as a whole person, and in all my gender-modes. But the more I learn to understand that each of my genders are their own emotional beings, the more I can grow as a core person, as a WHOLE core, because I am growing as a person from multiple vantage points in life.

Often, I will find that learning to live with more than one gender is about learning who you are on the inside and determining what that means when presenting yourself and interacting with the outside world. Some days I feel like I am going through what most toddlers go through- discovering themselves and the world. I remind myself to take it slow and one day at a time. Children are children for a while, and the stage i am in is not fully grown. I know that if I have a really big break-through for one of my genders emotionally (ie: understanding something fundamental about myself as a certain gender, etc) it tends to affect all my gender-modes. I feel unified in a way, and fully charged, and powerful again like I used to, but I know its going to be fleeting. I have to remind myself that I need to process whatever it was and let it take it's time and my other genders need to process it too. When I am really struggling with something emotionally as one gender, even when I am not fully aware of it, that is when I tend to feel disconnected again. I am prone to anxiety and depression and to be honest, just going crazy when all this happens.

I find writing very helpful to sort it all out when I'm feeling "off" in any way, even when I can't figure out why. That is why I blog here. It helps bring to the surface a lot and stabilizes me. I also try to find things that "ground" me emotionally for each gender. For example, my male gender really likes books and cycling. So I make a point to keep things out (like books, and my boxers have cyclers on them, etc) to remind myself who I am. My energy needs it and it keeps me charged on my own source instead of resorting to drugs or something worse to get my fix again. I still struggle with that. (It has gotten SO much better after working with an energy worker- the trauma touch therapist-for 12 weeks though. She straightened me out a lot.) I have also been discovering that following my intuition is really important too. Call it "the secret", the life force, divination, whatever.... if i don't, I usually start to not feel well. Its like life saying "I told you so!, you should have listened to me....". lol i'm a science guy/gal and to be honest really struggle to let myself believe and trust in such things. but the more I fight, the more I realize that I just need to let my energy guide me to what I need.

Lately, I have started to see myself more comprehensively. It is as if the more separate and independent I allow each gender to present themselves on the outside, the more whole I feel on the inside. I feel more comfortable with myself and each gender is a counterweight, a balance, to me being the healthy, happy person I want to be. Now, when something happens that concerns just one gender, it is something unusual. Each of my genders, granted, have their own emotional being, but if I'm angry about something, I might be angrier when I am male, for example, but I feel it as 3rd and female too. Long ago, if something happened to me, I would only process it (or mostly) through one gender. So when I was raped, and I only processed it through my male and 3rd gender, it is no wonder that I am only now just working through it as a female. My energy is "untangled" now, as my trauma therapist says now. It flows straight. It isn't knotted anymore. The energy doesn't get bottled up in places and/or blocked anymore.

A lot of my experience now is feeling my energy and emotions and thoughts, etc flow through each of my genders/emotional beings and processing through them. I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to have something happen and only need to process it once, cuz in my world I have to do it 3 times. But then again, I get to learn from life from three different angles. I'm a more well rounded individual. It can be a lot of work too though, I will admit. But it is starting to be a comfortable place for me. I'm slowly finding myself and putting the shards back together into a complete piece of glass. Who knows how many more smaller shards are left, but I do know that the big ones are put together now and I can for the first time see myself in the reflection.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Beach (Vickie-red)

I came across this photo and thought to myself, thats a beach. Kinda pretty. The blogger was going on about how she wishes she lived by a beach like this. Then I realized.... I DO live near a beach like this. But I don't really go to beaches. I don't like the ocean. But, I just wanted to share (and rub it in a bit) that it IS in fact there.

I've probably been to the beach 4 times in the 3 years I've lived here. Maybe I will go tomorrow since I finished my homework and don't have school....

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Lyme Disease (Alex-Blue)

The king of viral infections of HIV/AIDS.

The king of body malfunctions is Cancer.

The king of bacterial infections.... Lyme Disease. Actually, its probably a Queen. But does it matter?

Tests came back positive today. I'm being put on a tincture of Venus Fly Trap. (Its illegal to import because it can cure cancer, just like RIFE machines.) There are few options for me right now. Goal: strengthen immune system. Support liver. Detox body. Hope for the best.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Someday (Alex-blue)

I worry that I won't ever find someone.... a partner(s). I imagine conversations all the time, running through my head about what I would say if someone was interested in me. About my disabilities, my genders, my diet. I watch movies like "Rain Man" and see myself in the main character. I read complicated technical books and get happily lost in them, but I can't stand shows like "Mad Men" or even talk to my professor and understand the face she gives me.... because I don't get it. I don't understand the drama. I see shows like Mad Men or the Office rife with sexism and racism with women and men trailing after each others crotches and debating how to screw over some guy so that his family ends up on the street homeless and without food. Why is that entertaining?

I think of all the great and wonderful things i have done that few people can say they have accomplished and/or survived. I'm 23 and already come with heavy baggage. I'm sensitive and particular. Seclusive. Needy. I want that safe feeling of being safe in a space with someone I trust. I need someone to understand that I get freaked out if someone touches and can spend hours watching fan blades and running water and flashing lights and details in the leaves of trees and blades of grass, lost in the symphonies of Hayden or Mozart or Verdi. I will talk for hours about genomic structures and how I made my latest dinner dish and my plans to someday own my own business or the architecture & culture of Europe, past and present. I am fascinated that abstraction and math and music and art and physics all converge into the wondrous and mysterious image and can be calculated and depicted and mesmerizing but please don't ask me to calculate it because the numbers and symbols will jump all over the page or go missing. It is not that I can't solve the problem, it is that my brain keeps seeing the wrong problems and solving those ones.

I'm possessive and don't like people touching or taking my stuff. I expect people to follow the rules and treat each other with respect. There are social rules too! I put a lot of effort to follow them and I expect others to do the same towards me. I get angry and confused when people are shallow about anything.... fads, life, hobbies, putting on a mask for society, lying to make things "easier". All people deserve to live their lives not impinged on by others. Social Justice is for all, not a few. Greed makes little sense to me either. Or wanting absolute power and control. I need to control everything. Control my environment, my life. But why would someone want so much power that they hurt others and continue to do so, even when they know they are doing so?

I want someone to share my life with. I need a family. A family that cares about my wellbeing through deeds and words, not just sentiment. I need people in my life that care about my wellbeing. Not people that are not what they seem like or say on the surface. I don't get that. Life is already too complicated.... why make it more so?

Lately I've been giving up on the constant anxiety and tension to do/try what I know is "normal". I try so hard. It was indoctrinated into me. I can't be "weird" I was told. But I want to stop doing that. It feels like a double edge sword. It feels like admitting that I loose my inheritance to "normalcy" and admitting that I am some psychiatric case. But I don't believe I am. Most of the time. I just don't want others to think I am. I just want to be me. Live out my desires and not constantly tailor them to think... if I do this or say that will people look at me funny? I know how to act normal. But I don't want to do that anymore. I'm giving up on that.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Muscle tone (Alex- blue)

I have a problem.

I am loosing feeling, sensation and control of my muscles. I can't move them. I can't feel my body. My sensation is dull. I can dig my nail into my body and hardly feel it. Some places tingle. I can tense major muscle groups (in most part of my body--- in some I can't at all). I can not relax any muscle voluntarily.

This has been getting progressively worse for over a month. I've been much worse than this and God, I really don't want to get that bad. But it is progressing steadily. I feel desperate and I am watching and feeling myself loose sensation and control. Desperation to feel something. Desperation to move. Desperation to relax so that the tense muscles aren't always twitching.

I've taken the Calcium and Magnesium, etc. I've taken the pain meds, the sedatives, the muscle relaxers.... nothing works. And I can't feel my body. I'm turning into a fluffy cotton ball feeling. Why is this happening to ME?!?!?!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

What am I? (Bex-yellow)

I don't like the ocean. Or the desert. It presents a problem when one lives in San Diego. None-the-less, I have a habit of wanting to go out on Saturday nights, and actually interact with people! I'm learning to use my new Asperger strategies to good use. Normally I just walk around Hillcrest or Downtown. I rarely work up the courage to go IN places. But it is fun to look at buildings and people at night. They look different at night.

Tonight I didn't go out out. I went to the beach. I normally leave at around 10pm on Saturdays, so I got in my car and went to Dog Beach in Ocean Beach. Let me remind you... I don't like the ocean. I just wanted to go somewhere. I needed to clear my head. I started walking along the water's edge. One of the reasons I don't like the ocean is because it is so loud.... and so ANGRY sounding. I watched for a while. I tried to remember all the times I had come to the ocean. Whale watches, school trips, hiking trips, Oaxaca Mexico. I realized that despite my aversion to the ocean it had left a huge mark on my life; changes. I walked to the pier and then back. I watched the ocean at the pier for a while and contemplated that the ocean was so angry and it never stopped. Chaos kept rolling; never ending. The waves slowly fizzed out and rolled onto shore and left a mark on the sand.... that with time will eventually lift/evaporate away. My life I guess is kinda like that.

After a while on walking on the waters edge again (mostly to avoid the fire rings with people further up from the tides) I realized I was walking between the chaos of my life and the social life I always wanted. I walked between and was yet so close to both.

I've been very depressed lately. I have been processing a lot of emotions from a year ago. It has hit me kind of hard. My new medication (I'm off Lithium finally!!!!!!) is sedating me (which contrary to popular thought makes things worse) and the intended effects won't kick in until almost October, so I'm kinda going solo here. I feel like one of the only things that I was ever good at, I am so ashamed of. I was really good at something, and I still get compliments on it occasionally. I'm proud of the skill but ashamed at how I acquired it and how I used it. I was prepared to be successful because I practiced almost everyday as a child. Its no thing a child should have to learn. I tried to use it for good and did for a while. Then, I found I could support my self and get off of pretty much living on the streets. I hated it while I was doing it. Yet I miss it terribly..... cuz it made me happy. I was successful, respected, looked up to, better than everyone else, and worth something. It was something that helped others in the long run and respected by powerful people. It was respected, honestly, cuz it is a dirty job. No one wants to do it. Not many can. And I was GOOD AT IT. Top of the line. I was ashamed that I was doing such as low level dirty job but went to sleep proud of myself every night that it I did it and I was one the best! I left willingly. I wanted to move up in the world. I didn't exactly make it.

When you don't have friends and family to give you that worth of a person, your career and your hobbies are almost everything to you. The people in your life mean pretty much everything, even if they are not the healthiest people for you in the world. I admit it... I'm jealous that I'm not mucking it with the best of them in one of the least desirable jobs in this country. I miss the people that were there for you no matter what when it got bad and you for them. Its like the brotherly love you have for your fellow soldiers. We were soldiers of civil service. The kind you don't hear about and spit upon when you do. Hated and respected by all. It comes complete with battle scars, stories, training, commanders and officers, missions and PTSD.

I'm looking for myself. Trying to find myself. My direction. I know where I am and I know who I am. But what am I? What do you do with yourself when you come back from the War and what you have been trained to be doesn't exist in civilian life?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Frustrated (Alex-Blue)

I feel like I'm spinning a lot of different plates. I decided to go up to Mesa College today. I had to turn in some paperwork by today to get my name changed in the rosters at school. I'm still fighting Mueller about that too. While I was there I wanted to find my classroom and the bookstore. I find that I have to take things in little bites or I get overwhelmed. I got overwhelmed. I found my classroom, then I stumbled upon the commons, and then went searching for the Bookstore. I should have stopped when I stumbled upon the commons. I'm dissociated and dizzy. My new medications don't help either because they are heavily sedating me. In a prefect world I would try to meet the teacher before class starts on Monday. I have a feeling that its going to be to much, with class and everything. One step at a time.

I am waiting on the test results for Lyme. I meet with my doctor on the 2nd of September. My brother and his girlfriend are going to be in town that week as well. In the meantime, I am really starting to struggle with what appears to be arthritis. It makes me worry about my career as a massage therapist. I sat down with the director of bodywork at Mueller and we talked about options and career paths. No matter how I fight it, life is pushing me towards energy work. I don't even believe in energy work!!!

I am becoming frustrated with my psychological team as well. I feel like I am not being respected because at least 6 different major diagnosis's have been thrown around/at me the past few weeks and I'm not getting much say in it. I will be meeting with the supervisor of my psychiatrist on Friday. Who knows what will happen. Everything could get sorted out or everything could go to shit.

Everything is about waiting now. Waiting for Disability insurance. Waiting to be able to start my business rolling. And, at the end of September I have an endocrinology appointment that I am hoping will get the ball rolling to start Testosterone. Hopefully I will have answers and information between now and then to be able to work with the physician more efficiently. Between now and then I will go on with my frustratingly starvation grain-free diet (sans corn) and adjusting to my new meds. Sedation, WHOOOOOOO! (not so good on the focusing on school and driving side of things).

Monday, August 09, 2010

Back to Basics

It comes full circle.... I saw my Naturopath today. She needed to talk/speak to me about something she found in my charts. Apparently my white blood cell counts are chronically low indicating an ongoing low level infection. We had assumed years ago that it was a result of inflammation from gluten. Then I updated her on the Aspergers and my frustration that my sore throat and sinus infection and yeast infection has not gone away despite the elimination of corn. This freaked her out and apparently "confirms" her suspicions. The two course antibiotic treatment I had taken for Lyme's Disease years ago probably did not eradicate it. So, she drew blood and is sending it to the lab to test for Lyme's.

I don't know how to describe my thoughts and feelings now. Exasperated is the closest I can come. I just want this to be over. At least I don't have psychosis anymore (thank you gluten elimination).

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Letting Go (Alex-green)

I remember the first post I made on this blog when I started it. I remember quite visibly. I don't remember what I wrote exactly but it was something along the lines that this was going to document my time in Germany. The thing is.... when I wrote that, I didn't believe it. I knew this blog was going to be more than that. It was about me trying to find myself.

I was in my personal finance class and very very sick. I was sleeping more than usual and was a walking zombie for lack of sleep. Eventually the doctors said I had mono. Over time I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease, then hypoglycemia, then as a hypochondriac.... eventually Celiac Disease, adrenal problems, food allergies, depression, bipolar, trauma survivor, ptsd, anxiety disorders, and now Aspergers, Dysthymic Disorder, and ADD. I've been running for so long. Running away and running towards something. But I have been taking the new diagnoses better than I expected. To my benefit, I'm not suicidal or breaking down or malfunctioning in some way. Granted I haven't slept much in 2 days (actually all week) and haven't eaten either. I've been just processing.

I'm actually quite happy about it all. I feel surprisingly lighter now. The pieces to the puzzle have been found. So why am I grieving?

After a 2 day marathon of Hulu I actually stepped foot out of my apartment this evening. The sun was starting to go down and clarity came to me. I wondered what in the world I am doing in San Diego and how did I get here? What am I doing with my life now that I am not running anymore? Then it struck me.... I never made the conscious choice to move here. It was one of survival. I never asked myself if I wan't to move here. I'm free to go anywhere I want in this world. But if I stay here, then it has to be with purpose. A lot of anger, pain, grief from my past has been the subject of my dismay the past few days. It feels like to me a last hurrah.... I was sick as a child, and my mother took it out on me. Beat me, punished me, blackmailed me and my teachers, yelled at me, abused me. Let me be molested. Punished me for being serially raped. And my family always told me that "nothing was wrong with me" whenever I asked for help. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. My doctors believe that the Ausperger tendencies and much of everything else is probably a product of trauma and just manifests as an imitation of the plethora of psychiatric disorders I have now.

So, I'm saying my last goodbyes and finally letting go of the pain and anger that I have held for so long. If nothing else, I'm at least capable of making decisions and living for me now. I'm no longer on automatic pilot.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Guilt (vickie-orange)

Its been really bothering me lately that my ex has been doing really well in his job lately. The reason is that when we worked together last year, our office was a complete failure. Together, the two of us were some of the best fundraisers in the nation, and certainly on the west coast. But we couldn't successfully run the office or retain staff. Granted, it was in the middle of one of the worse recessions EVER and almost no office across the country was doing well either. Eventually, I took over much of the staffing and in-field training that was above my rank just to keep the office from being shut down. Later, I went on to use those skills to start a whole solar company and bring in over one-half million dollars in our first quarter.

We left the company together, he to another division and I to the solar company. A friend of his came to take over our office. For several months he didn't do well at all either. Then, things picked up and they have been doing awesome ever since. My ex, however went on to learn many valuable skills at this other position on the UCSD campus. Over the summers, however, he is required to run a fundraising office again. He is in Santa Cruz now, and is bringing in more money in a week than we managed in half a year. He is breaking all sorts of crazy records, and frankly, doing very very well.

So, why do I feel so terrible about it?

For some reason it makes me feel that the reason the office was such a failure last year was because of me. My presence (or lack thereof) is the biggest variable. But I guess logically that doesn't make sense. He has learned a lot and come a long way since last year and he deserves to finally be able to be successful at managing a fundraising office. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it, like his failures were my fault. Although he never did tell me why he broke up with me, somewhere in my gut, him blaming me for his failure to do his job well, although he never said it, probably had a bigger in his decision to leave me than most of the other fears and reasons I could come up with. That makes me very uncomfortable. That was something I never could understand about him or anyone else.... why people blamed others for their own problems.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Life (Bex-yellow)

Birds take flight
an endless array of possibility
to choose
to go
wherever they may

but evolutions cruel joke made
only one path
one way
one migratory route
to live and die by

a jail with invisible walls

an illusion of freedom

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

No tacos :*-( (Bex-yellow)

I've been getting really fed up with this whole adrenal problems, not sleeping, never feeling well bullshit. Finally ponied up my credit card (and I had finally paid it off too....) and went to see my Naturopathic Doctor.

Conclusion: the reason I am not getting better is because corn has gluten in it too. Not a lot, but enough that if you are super sensitive to GF oats, you will be sensitive to corn. Just last week I was telling my friends that if I ever moved out of San Diego I wouldn't be able to have tacos anymore and there would be no life after tacos. :-( I guess I spoke too soon.

So, i'm on a new adrenal support, a new corn-free diet, and a homeopathic detox/cleanse with gluten and casein enzymes. I'm not sure how to take this all, and process it. I LIVE off of corn. Corn, potatoes and rice. But, if it makes me better..... I'll give it a try.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Happy Pride weekend! (Bex-orange)


I went to the parade and had a great time. Unfortunately I didn't make it out to the festival or the clubs but my roommate and I strung up some gay and bi flags in front of our apartment. Not much else to say.

By the way... I LOVE my new transgender therapist. She is awesome. She has even worked with people who are bigender before. Somehow, that makes me feel more legitimate; that I'm not making it up. Its hard when I get tranny-hate mail messages on my blog here.

But on a positive note... my life is really starting to look positive. i've been through a lot these past 3 months with the trauma therapy. I feel like I am whole now and that I have control over my own life, AND a voice. I am what I make of myself and no one or nothing can bring me down like that again.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

what gives people the right? (Bex- orange)

What gives people the right to get up in my face and question me about having short hair (or facial hair) or having an unusual name or something else so intensely that I have to choose whether I want come out to them as trans or lie? And then when I come out, they still push the envelope and want to know what my genitalia look like or who I'm sleeping with. REALLY? Do I have to have this conversation with my professor in front of all of my classmates? Do I really need to answer those kind of questions when it is adequately explained on the same internet page the picture is on that you are confused about? Is confronting me at a party when I'm having a good time in front of people I am NOT out to really the appropriate situation? And when you haven't talked to me in 3, 4, or 5 years... what gives you the right to ask me such intimate things and then judge me? And what give people the right to think I am deranged and mentally ill?

I'm frustrated. I wish some people would grow up.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

What is Trauma Touch Therapy?

I only have one more session of Trauma Touch Therapy. People have been asking me, what is trauma touch? On a physical level, you are working with a therapist to reroute your nerves that go between your body and your brain and to retrain your brain to think in a way that is healthy and not misfiring from your traumatic past. Most people manifest trauma psycho-somatically if trauma has been left untreated for years via behavioral patterns and aches/pains/illness & disease. In addition, by going through skills sessions to learn boundaries and other important skills you build up a way to empower yourself and prevent trauma from impairing you again. It is essentially about waking up the systems in your body that protect you and make you feel good and help you be a productive person. Trauma Touch is about helping you help yourself, teaching you to do what you already know how to do, but forgot or may have never learned.

Anything can be trauma... even falling off a bike or an argument with a friend. We deal with dozens of "trauma's" every day. Think how amazing it is that we can deal with those every day, without even thinking about it! Its that .1% that gets through our defenses that can make us go haywire. Trauma hijacks the brain and the body and when unresolved the body is on the same "high alert" that it was in right after the original incident. It makes everything work off kilter and after many years, many things start malfunctioning in our bodies, brains, minds, emotions, and spirit.

After nearly completing the program, I feel like I used to have tunnel vision (and never realized it before) that tunneled right to the painful memories and emotions in an instant. Now they are just old memories, as benign as the last book I read. Lessons that I learned from and can finally move on from. I live more in the moment, the now and the future. I can enjoy things that I would give up my first born to avoid (like watching fireworks or being intimate with a lover). I feel stable and balanced and ready to enjoy each day as it comes. Aches and chronic pains and some food allergies are gone. Old injuries healed, bad posture corrected, and anxiety/PTSD symptoms are GONE too. Its mostly subtle inner changes though. My doctors say that nothing is different. But my dad says I'm "friendlier" and my moods have evened out. Addictions that I used to have I have no need for. I stopped and didn't realize I had stopped until long after. I feel wiser now. I can step back watch something with a small inner smile. I've stopped reacting to everything and now can plan and act.

For me, however, the deeper I got into the sessions, the more spiritual it became for me. I became much more connected to myself and I could feel my energy, my life force moving. I was so "stuck" before. Stuck in everything... from my view on life, to the way I moved by body, to being able to feel my emotions. Learning how to trust my body as it was adjusting and gaining skills and my energy moving around was challenging, but liberating. It started to change the way I interacted with the world. I started trusting providence to bring me what I need instead of always fighting. Listening to my body and what it needs led me to try doing the same with my energy, my spirit, within me. If that is driving all day to get to the beach or bringing home something at the grocery store that I've never seen before, I do, because it "feels right" and "feels like what I need". It has become a give and take. I let providence bring me what I need that I don't have and I go after the things that my body tells me I need that I can reach. It is crazy specific. I need money... I get money. I'm looking for the perfect roommate with a million specifications, and I get that perfect roommate. Sometimes its like a best friend that can fill in your sentences and I'm looking for something and I cant describe it or visualize it, but I can give a feeling. And the answer to what will produce what I want just shows up. I used this new process to design an exercise program... and its fun to do it! I don't have to think about "what to make for dinner" or mull over any decisions, even life changing one's it seems, because the perfect and ideal decision just happens. The more I practice with it, the more unbelievable it gets.

Ironically, as a chemist somehow all this crazy energy/providence stuff makes more sense than anything else I have ever encountered. The explanations, the whats and whys and hows, fit too perfectly into the models and atomic theories in my textbooks. Call me crazy.... but honestly, I feel like I have stepped into a whole new world. That is how much my paradigm has shifted.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Entering Summer (Bex-yellow)

I have been posting just as often as I used to.... but I have two blogs I update now, so I guess this one is only getting half the attention. Also, I'm finding a lot of balance in my life and have less need to work it out or share. My trauma touch therapy is over in just 2 more sessions. Trauma Touch has changed my life. I feel less stuck and have more vitality. I feel capable of active listening and feeling and observing the world; soaking it in and then responding, not just being in a constant reaction mode. I feel capable of speaking my mind and being more rational. I actually feel, both emotionally and physically and I am more sensitive and sensations and feelings are more nuanced. I feel like I am more connected with my body and have matured so much. Today's session was incredible, as was last week. Last week, I actually saw the chakra color of an area that is incredibly traumatized in me and we were working on. I didn't believe in chakras until that very moment. Today we were working on two other chakra energy centers and it felt like my organs were "coming online" as if the nerve connections were numbed out and suddenly I could FEEL my different organs. I have been experiencing a similar phenomenon with other parts of my body (skin, muscles, etc) for weeks now. As soon as my organs came "online" it was as if I were completely connected for the first time in decades and shortly thereafter, I felt like something shifted and a I felt like a "normal" person. I never realized that I didn't feel that way in the first place. It was if someone had cut open my stomach and my guts had spilled out and a doctor put them all back in and sewed me up and they shifted back to where they were "supposed" to be. You only know what that is when it happens, because suddenly it feels "right". With two more sessions left, I am curious to know what will happen.

This was also the first week of summer quarter. I have decided to present as a different gender for each of my three classes. I am also starting discussions with Mueller staff to design some sort of transgender policy. I am incredibly nervous about moving to a new campus this quarter (mid-way through). Apparently there are no gender neutral bathrooms like our current campuses have.

Tomorrow I am starting therapy with a transgender specialist. I am excited. This is starting a new, positive path for me. This is the path that will lead me to hormones and surgery if that is right for me. I find it interesting that of all the transgender people I have met.... none are like me. I am so unique. I find it interesting that even when I am something that is different, I am different even within that different group. Between my gender variance and trauma touch therapy... I feel like I have found my purpose and my calling. I don't know where I will end up or what I will be doing, but this is what I need to do. I realized today while doing my homework for business class that the only thing that will prevent me from doing this anything in my life is my own fear. I have over come so much, and I am building the tools to face pretty much anything else now.

One of my friends is also getting married tomorrow and I am giving her a massage in the morning after my transgender appointment. I hope I am Vickie tomorrow... because I don't have any clothes to wear to the wedding that are not Vickie clothes..... yet.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

fucking Salt (Alex-green)

I think I figured out why I have been having insomnia! Its partially the bipolar meds (lithium... a salt/metal) and partially that my adrenal glands are fucked up.

The adrenal cortex (the outer layer of the adrenal gland) produces 3 main types of chemicals/hormones.

Those hormones are:

1) Cortisol/Cortisone
2) Mineralcorticoids
3) Angdrogens

Now here is the fun part. Cortisol is the "stress hormone" and cortisone is essentially the same chemical. Its the stuff you can get at CVS in a creme to rub on your skin for pain, itching, and inflammation. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am ALWAYS stressed out, mostly for no reason. And, I'm always numb to pain. When I get contaminated from gluten, my inflammation is SUPER low.

Mineralcorticoids regulate the salt levels in your body and balance how much water you have. Too much can lead to swelling. To little leads to dehydration. Improper salt levels impact your ability to metabolize sugar manifesting as a pseudo-diabetes and/or hypoglycemia. The metals that are embedded in salts are essential for everything from moving your muscles to absorbing other nutrients in your gut after you eat. I've got all of the above.

Androgens are the sex hormones. The primary androgen produced in the Adrenal Glands is DHEA which is a precursor to creating testosterone in the body. I have a super high DHEA level.

I've always had problems with this, but they have gotten significantly worse when I started taking Lithium Carbonate, a lithium salt, for my bipolar. The higher the dosage, the more problems I had. I found that taking high dosages of other minerals helped balance out that high lithium load. But I'm getting to the point that I would MUCH rather resolve what is causing it in the first place. Oh I wish I had health insurance!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Guilt (vickie- red)

So, something I don't understand. There is this huge social stigma to be "normal". Things like mental illness or anything "perceived" as mental illness (like transgenderism or being gay) automatically makes you an outcast. When something goes wrong people always blame it on the fact that you are "sick" and tell you "you need help" or "go see a therapist". So my question is, why then, if you actually do start helping yourself, why is actually getting "help" like a social taboo. Those who are "normal" treat you like shit for doing therapy and many of those who "suffer" like you, think you are betraying them. And if you actually manage to "fix" yourself, you can never really come clean about where you were and what you went through without being see as only the outcast you once were?

Why are people like that? Its a catch 22.

Last night my roommate had an emotional explosion on me. I think she was under the impression that if she left for the weekend, when she came back everything would be fine and I wouldn't be pushing her out the door. I found someone else to rent the room and I asked her to move out by friday, which is one week later than we had originally agreed on. From here, it was "why to you hate me?" and "I'll be homeless because I won't be able to find a place" and "I care about you, I'm the only one that you have" and more and when all that didn't work.... then in started the attacks. She ranted that "no one respects you... your last roommate, your ex-boyfriend, your parents, I'm the only one that cares about you!" to "you never told me you were sick in the head when you moved in!" and "I never knew that you were trans" (I put that in the craigslist ad) and "we were best friends, just yesterday, I don't understand what changed!" and more.

It definiately stung because I have heard this so many times from so many people over the years. And I always believed them, that I was a piece of shit, a lier, someone who made others miserable because of what I am/said/did, and I'm so mentally sick that I have no right to say or think the things that I want. This time was the first time I managed to separate myself from it all, take step back, and use reason. I am proud of myself. I feel I have done the right thing. I have done nothing malicious. It is not my fault that she is not willing or capable to talk rationally. Its hard because I have been in her shoes. I know very keenly how she is thinking, feeling, reacting to all this. I know her part better than mine right now. My part is living for myself. Respect for myself and others.

But I feel very keenly guilty for all the pain and misery I have caused myself and others while I suffered for so long and no one had enough compassion to help me help myself. I gently offered compassion to my roommate. I know how it feels when someone tries to force it on you. But if you don't want it, or you are not ready for it, you can't receive it.

I'm becoming a new person. Trauma Touch is helping me become the person I have always been underneath. I guess my only choice it to keep running towards freedom and remember that looking back is not part of my job description now.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Peace (Bex- green)

Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in you heart. - unknown

Blogger redid all of their templates.... so I have a new background now!

I normally feel this drive to blog every few days. But I haven't this week. Its been the last week of practice before my final exams next week for massage class. I rented a table to practice all weekend and I managed to string up some sheets in my apartment to make an awesome little massage room. I also got a fish! .... and really dumb little water frog too. I've been slowly working through all the money I got 10 days ago. Its like the more money you have, the less you seem to have to get what you want. Why is that?

I decided to kick out my roommate. I didn't get that far though before she got all panicky on me and decided I must be throwing her out on the street and chose her own date to move out (sooner than what I was intending!) I found an awesome new roomie who is genderqueer and we have a ton of things in common. So, I'm hoping for the best! *sigh*.....again.

I bought a light box to help with my insomnia that I have been struggling with. I realized that when I moved into a different room in my apartment I wasn't getting as much sunlight anymore. My sleeping health bombed about the same time which of course impacted everything else! The light box as bulbs that imitate the sun.... yay! I got it on Ebay and it is shipping from Florida, so it might be a while.

Its been really nice to get some things (clothes, wigs, shoes... yea, I totally got elevator shoes for when I am alex!, etc) that help me transition from one gender to the other. Its made my stress levels much lower this week. I also have been working really hard to lower my anxiety and that has helped with the sleeping. I'm actually getting 8 hours now (now just rooting for the quality part with the light box)! Trauma Touch Therapy is making such a huge impact for me too that I am realizing that I have never experienced happiness like this before. Just simply being content through the day is euphoric.

Sorry that this is not insightful and is like an update essay. Better something than nothing, right?

Monday, June 07, 2010

Happy Birthday to ME! (Bex-black)

happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me! happy birthday dear meeeeeeeee. Happy birthday to me!

It was my birthday yesterday!

Seeing that all my friends were co-workers and most have been relocated to other parts of the country or they are uncomfortable around me because of my gender identity or bipolar.... I spent my birthday weekend mostly alone. But you know what? It was the best fucking b-day EVA! (yea I just said eva. if that bothers you go read another blog).

Thursday, 5 months worth of unemployment checks cleared my bank account (I won my case against the unemployment board) so it was a happy day. I've never been so (albeit briefly) rich! I visited all my favorite grocery stores and bought only the most exotic food i could find, or things I've never had before. Then I paid all my bills, my entire car insurance policy, and paid off ALL of my debt from the 3 maxed out credit cards I own! WOOOOOOOO! There was still some to spare.

Friday I drove north along the coast and visited the beautiful rolling hills of Carlsbad. Then later I went out to eat at my favorite Mexican taco place. Then took the trolley downtown for the evening and hung out.

Saturday I went out to lunch at a Persian restaurant with my dad and his partner (it was sooooo good) and then we had birthday cake later on (gluten free, dairy free, yeast free, soy free red velvet.... amazingly good as well). Then I went out shopping at Target and Ross where I got some clothes and cooking stuff and an ipod. That evening I went out dressed as Alex in my new clothes. Ended up at a gay dance club (strippers and bar included). They were hosting a cross-dressing theme and a drag show. It was wild, to say the least.

Sunday (D-day!... both metaphorically and literally. Its a terrible date to be born on.) I slept in. Took a shower and got dressed up in heels, my Vickie wig, a bright orange African hand purse and a bright yellow peasant shirt. I had breakfast somewhere around 2 in the afternoon at my favorite Thai restaurant where I had soup and read a book: a 400 pg literary "review" of Fitzgerald and Hemingway. Came home and went to a second hand shop and got some more clothes (for Alex.... btw... it is difficult to try on clothes for a gender that you are not "in". its disorienting) and came home trying to figure out how to widen my shoulders. I went off to Jo Ann fabrics and got womens shoulder pads and impulsively bought a pattern and cloth to make an apron. Came home, changed into my new Alex ensemble, my roommate came home and freaked out that my boobs were gone, I made pizza (see my post
on my other blog), watched one of my favorite tv shows (ReGenisis) and called it a night.

It was a really good weekend!

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Friday, May 28, 2010

On the road to recovery (Bex-green)

I had another trauma touch therapy today. The first 1.5 hours we talked about the neurology of trauma in the brain and then I got my therapist off on a tangent on the theory of trauma in the body and how it gets "stuck" in there and how that relates to the process of releasing it. It was fun. :-)

Then we did the bodywork session. It was intense. Lots of energy. I had trouble staying present and not dissociating out of my body. I've been struggling to process the intense energy and staying present for several hours now. I have been shaking (more like a very quiet vibration) for just as long. I even start getting sharp pain sometimes and I do my little mental exercise and it goes away and my body actually feels lighter. I can feel parts of my body/skin everywhere that I never knew were numb and chronic pain in several parts is almost gone. Some of my muscles that are normally tight where they are not supposed to be and subsequently I have never experienced relaxed, are relaxed. My body is very sore. Very very sore. I'm exhausted. I hope I get a good night's rest tonight.

I am still reeling from the past few days. I feel very different now though. I really feel that I faced this huge fear and conquered it (some of it at least). For that I am very proud. I also feel that I know I can be Vickie anytime I want to.... but I don't have to if I don't want to. I have a choice now. I feel empowered. Its been a hectic and emotional week. Now for a few days of recovery and some apple pie and BBQ and maybe a Padres game too. Thank you everyone whom have been so amazingly supportive this week! I don't know what I would have done without you. I feel so loved. :-)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dreaming Big (Vickie- red)

I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking of all these long monologues and all these amazing topics to write or speak about; everything to Lost!, how does that make sense?!?! to levels emotional and trauma release to how trauma changes our genome. But nothing feels right, to talk about yet at least. There are holes missing in my theories.

I've been scheming up a business plan for the past 6 weeks. I've only told a few people and everyone is absolutely thrilled to get involved. I have a lot of goals and dreams. I want to help myself. I want to dream big and learn what I am passionate about. I want to help people. I want to edify people. And I want to teach people to help themselves. When I am done at massage school, I eventually want to get a masters in genomics. Doing massage is mostly a way that I can pay my way through college. But it is also the yang to my yin. I LOVE "holistic medicine" but I am a die-hard believer in "mainstream" medicine too. Massage and genomics are my two counter weights. So, ultimately I want to open a bodywork clinic that brings the two together (mainstream medicine and holistic health) and also integrates trauma resolution into the mix.

The question is, how do you do something that society has been fighting against for 100 years, AND be successful?

I think I can do it. In fact I know I can. I really think that something like this is what I'm meant to do. To my delight, yesterday I learned that the dean of my program is starting a new course in "medical massage".... to do just that, integrate massage and holistic health into mainstream medicine. She is pioneering a program, the first in the nation.

I also came to a very interesting realization last night. I had a terrible time growing up, but what got me through was thinking that I was being tested and I was learning something valuable that I would need someday. I realized last night that the reason that I know I am going to be able to do this is because I've already had all (or much of at least) the experience I need to start this clinic and help others and be a pioneer in integration, AND do it while breaking every gender-social construct there is. Now that's dreaming big.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself, right?! (did I mention that I am terrified????)

Friday, May 21, 2010

more trigenders out there?! (Vickie- black)

Ok... I still don't like my trauma therapist, but I'm enjoying the program more and more.

I don't have much to say now. But I did want to mention a small bit of unbelievable news.

My therapist is trigender. omygod.

She is biologically female. Has a male and female side, as well as a "neutral" side that she describes as the "universal presence". She feels that she is "playing the part" of a female most days and has decidedly felt male at times too, but resides mostly in the "universal presence" space.

"Universal presence" or space is a great way to describe it! That is in a way, how I feel about my third gender as well. She doesn't seem to feel the need to match her body to her genders. As time goes on, I am meeting more and more people who feel that way too. Few people with multiple genders seem to feel that need to match their bodies to their genders. They find a way to accept the body they are born in. I totally respect that.

Its just not for me.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Anti-Trauma Touch (Vickie- orange)

Massage class did NOT go well today. Apparently the basic tenets of Trauma Touch are relatively universal. Mueller College has its own version, and that was the topic of today's class! Once you start moving around the energy, it's like taking the stopper out from a bottle. But, you can't put it back in. Several of my classmates even came up to me and said that my energy field was all over the place. I guess that would explain why I am still feeling the effects of Friday's session. Today, the crick in my neck that I've had for years just went away. I had been convinced that I needed a chiropractic adjustment.

Today was supposed to be a lecture class. But instead it was only half lecture. My teacher taught us some of the basic techniques that are used by trauma touch.... but not how to use them. I refused to receive or give the methods, but I watched. Most of the students didn't get it. They used the techniques in a way that facilitated massage work, but not energy work. Some did get it, but obviously didn't know what they were doing so they managed to release energy from epicenters of trauma but not control the energy in a way that wouldn't cause damage (because the energy lodged itself somewhere else instead of release it). Others knew quite a bit about energy work and ended up hurting those on the tables so bad that they were in quite a bit of pain. My professor and TA went around the room doing the techniques too. I was appalled that my professor would do them, but in a way that completely violated the person on the table and their boundaries. She would release epicenters that were "central sites" so to speak. Places that had old trauma that were interwoven with many other parts of the body. She retraumatized one of the students so bad that I had to talk her through what had happened because she was completely overwhelmed and disoriented. It took 45 minutes. We had been talking about trauma and trauma touch extensively over the past few weeks and we have both been talking about getting certified in Trauma Touch.

I talked to the TA after class. She had no concept of what I was talking about how using these tools can be dangerous. She kept insisting that this was not Trauma Touch. I know it is not, but it is using similar if not the same methods and is still releasing the same energy and trauma, only without guidance and safety measures. I was concerned that several of my classmates were now in very real physical pain interfering in the ability to walk or rotate their necks, retraumatized, dissociated, disoriented, or had released something that may trigger them in the next class. Many of these students will probably not say anything either because no one seems to know what the signs and contradictions are for manipulating the body in such a way! Its like being an unlicensed massage therapist. Overall, the techniques and general knowledge of massage will produce a really good massage. But the inexperienced masseuse will miss the signs that something is wrong and could very well end up hurting the client by massaging the wrong area in the wrong way. The inexperienced person releasing trauma somatically will likely release a great deal of trauma in the average person, but someone that has a much more serious or delicate issue will end up hurt worse. Releasing trauma the WRONG way can cause flashbacks, dissociation, disorientation, out of body experiences, being stuck out of body, severe anxiety even panic attacks, new traumas that can be triggered, higher sensitivity to existing trauma, concentration problems, insomnia, pain in other parts of the body including severe headaches, malfunction of certain body parts and organs and systems, and more.

Even worse, the way that Mueller customizing releases trauma is designed is an incomplete process. For a complex epicenter that has connections to other parts of the body, the Mueller method can leave trauma from that epicenter scattered throughout the body making any place that is already a trauma epicenter or is structurally weak a place for it to settle, potentially causing havoc. That is what happened to my classmate. That energy from the released epicenter now makes all those locations worse (pain, malfunction, higher sensitivity to the existing trauma, etc), plus putting the client at risk for all the other bad things I already just mentioned!

I'm more convinced that ever that I need to get this certification. But after this experience, I don't know if I am going to be able to finish this class. I dissociated just from watching. How am I going to handle being naked and someone massaging inside my thighs and my butt at my next class? I can't drop it and take it again for financial reasons, but also because I'm too far in. It's also 101. I can't go on with any of my courses without it.

Dealing with a identity crisis/meltdown and an panic attack ridden introduction to massage class that if I don't finish I might as well not be in massage school situation are two HUGE issues that seem like it is too much. Tomorrow is DBT which always seems to destabilize me a bit more (just what I need, great) and a 3 hour lecture on human reproductive systems in which my teacher has a tendency of going off topic to related topics that have something to do with a student in the class. The last thing I need is 1/3 of tomorrows lecture somehow revolving around sex changes.

Just because I'm stressed, every little thing now puts me over the edge. Like I lost a classmates thumb drive tonight in class and the fact that I'm stressed is stressing me out which is stressing me that I will have bad insomnia tonight which stresses me out that I won't get enough sleep to handle DBT and my reproductive class and my ongoing identity meltdown and trying to contact the head of the holistic health department to figure out a solution to not dropping my massage 101 class. I want to cry. I guess in the end I can only conclude that at least by seeing trauma therapy the WRONG way, I more fully understand why what I am doing must be the right way. Thats because until tonight, Trauma Touch was just a relatively random set of rules and methods that made no sense to me, not to mention "probably just one of many ways to do this". I don't believe that anymore. After seeing how releasing trauma by holding the body can create a very real effect and cause people such pain and disorientation and harm, I'm convinced that there is something much deeper to all this that is calling for a pioneer in the field. There has to be a biological response that can be measured and published. Just imagine me.... 100 years from now my name will be in textbooks. :-) I have a challenge.... ok, ready, set GO!