tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103582102024-03-07T07:52:34.759-08:00Never Burn Bridges- My Curious World"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais NinUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger277125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-83944787323503485802012-05-06T01:38:00.003-07:002012-05-06T02:21:06.035-07:00Cinco de Mayo!A political and philosophical interlude...<br />
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So, first off... HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!<br />
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For whatever its worth... we give thanks to the mexicans for helping us become the superpower we are today.
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in a way its tragic though.... their miracle victory in fact caused their ultimate defeat. the french would have created an American empire out of the tattered and defeated mexicans, the northern US States would have never had the power to win gettysburg against the french reinforced confederacy, nor the clout to create a manifest destiny and expand across the west. They would be weak and vulnerable which would have probably resulted in an invasion by the British in Montreal to retake the northern colonies (if the french didnt manage it first, or the confederacy)... which would have ultimately most likely created a second french-british war (ie the french and indian war better known as the 7 yrs war) in the americas and either the Spanish or the Russians would reclaim the west (that is of course if the natives weren't able to successfully unite because they had more time and weaker and less motivated enemies)
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wow.... democracy had a short run in that historical scenario.
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Sometimes I wonder though if we would have been better off. its interesting to extrapolate even further the implications. Assuming European events were not derailed, what would have happened with the rise of fascism and communism? (As an aside... somehow this is making me believe in parallel universes.) I question if we would still have the same technology (WWI and WWII were huge in our advancements)? the same world problems like AIDS or poverty? would we have lots of little democratic nations (is democratic revolution inevitable)or dictators and kings as we have lived under or the last several thousand years?? would we be in the same place politically and economically as africa, or be a continent like south america... or would the north american continent have produced and added a multi-poled power structure to world political structures?
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It does make me wonder though, what is better... our current relative world peace through what i believe is oppression and hegemony as a result of homogenization, or self-actualization of smaller more diverse countries from surviving loss, bloodshed, countless wars, and no clear victor? If the battle on May 5th never happened the way it did and france won, the north american political landscape would never have resulted in this giant, belabored democratic hegemonic empire that we are today. Orson Welles scripted in his films that "..in Italy they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love. They had 500 years of democracy and peace… and what did that produce? The coo-coo clock!” I guess my answer (what is better) comes down to what you value more... peace or self- actualization.
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What is peace though?
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an absence of violence? Calm despite the storm? Co-operation? A lack of diversity or growth?
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Buddhism and many other spiritual disciplines teach that we grow and come to peace when our hearts are at peace. Yet our society says that peace is the absence of conflict and in order to reduce conflict, you must control your environment and what is causing you inner turmoil. Is it possible to have peace if we constantly seek growth but are unable to grow from an internal self-regulation and enlightenment?? Is growth only obtained though domination and control of our external environment, or can the drive to grow and change be cultivated from within?
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The American Founders believed that religion and democracy were inseparable because democracy was unobtainable unless it's populace was religious. The foundation upon which American Democracy rests is that the populace has a responsibility towards self-growth, edification, and spiritual enlightenment. Religion is necessary for those unable to do so independently. They believed that when Religion no longer is able to encourage our children to learn, live lives of personal and embodied responsibility, and have an open and nonjudgmental mind, our nation can no longer be a democracy. I believe it just becomes a mockery. Our elected officials are charged to bring the voice of the average American to the table of debate to create the laws by which we live by. We cannot blame them for a job poorly done, for most only do what they were meant to do and asked to do, while the few remaining are beyond the understanding of the average and their work will remain unfinished, undervalued, and ridiculed to our own peril. What can save us? I hate to say this... but religious education. The challenge: a religious education that encourages our children to learn, live lives of personal and embodied responsibility, and have an open and nonjudgmental mind, because clearly our secular one failed... (idealistically, we actually create a secular education that results in self-growth, edification, and spiritual enlightenment... just like our founding fathers were striven so hard to do).
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you see, we can only gain peace when our hearts and minds are not at war. The dahli lama often says "the mind can rationalize fighting back...but the heart, the heart would never understand. Then you would be divided in yourself, the heart and the mind, and the war would be inside you". When we are able to live within ourselves mindfully and fully embodied so that our minds and bodies are not at war, we are open to our higher purpose and are capable of holding each other in loving grace. With loving grace we naturally seek resolution of conflict, and also forgiveness of trespasses and those who trespass against us. We gain liberty (the ability to choose our life choices for ourselves... self-determination) and are able to live towards freedom (a life where we are not predictable and not controlled). But with freedom, our founding fathers believed it is our duty to learn; to become educated. Through this you then gain the most valuable liberty known to man... the vote. This is what our nations founders believed our nation was to be founded on. To live in a democracy it is our duty to live lives of internal peace, societal cooperation, and devotion to humanities intellectual discoveries so that we can have the right to vote. The vote requires great responsibility. It is not free and not to be taken for granted.
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If the Mexican's had not won their battle on May 5th, we may have lost the democracy our founders founded. But we would have gained the ability to become self actualized. It would have probably led to more wars, but through war would come peace. Instead the battle of Puebla created peace and through peace, we have created war. Our path is unsustainable. Our planet dying. Our political and economic and health systems broken. A world loosing its diversity; homogenizing; lost and overcrowded. Would we have been better off if the Mexican's lost? I don't know. We never would Know. But perhaps the small chance that it could be gives me hope. At the very least, if humanity needs to send someone back in time to a single moment to save the world by changing the course of history, I vote for the town of Puebla in 1862. I think its got a chance. lol.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-71293967351425551522012-05-03T09:34:00.000-07:002012-05-06T02:55:04.298-07:00Two SpiritI've been exploring the spirituality behind the Two-spirit traditions.here is an excellent description!<br />
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The Two Spirit tradition is primarily a question of gender, not sexual orientation. Sexual orientation describes the relationship a person of one gender has with another gendered person. Gender describes an individual’s expected role within a community.<br />
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People of Two Spirit gender functioned as crafts-people, shamans, medicinegivers, mediators, and/or social workers. In many American Indian communities, men and women styles of speech were distinct; sometimes even different dialects were spoken. The Two Spirit people knew how to speak both in the men and women’s ways. They were the only ones allowed to go between the men’s and the women’s camps. They brokered marriages, divorces, settled arguments, and fostered open lines of communication between the sexes.
Their proficiency in mediation often included their work as communicators between the seen (physical) and un-seen (spiritual) worlds. Many of the great visionaries, dreamers, shamans, or medicine givers were Two Spirit people. In some traditions, a war party could not be dispatched until their Two Spirit person consulted the spirits of the un-seen world and then gave their blessings. In the Lakota tradition, before any war party’s departure, the party preformed a dance with the Two Spirit person at the center of the circle to show their respect and honor.
It is traditional to present gifts at gatherings to those who exemplify the “spirit” of the community or who have done the most for the community. Two Spirit people were respected and honored with gifts when they attended gatherings. They did not keep the gifts, but passed them on to spread the wealth. In this respect, Two Spirit people were similar to modern day social workers.
When a family was not properly raising their children, the Two Spirit person would intervene and assume the responsibly as the primary caretaker. Sometimes, families would ask the Two Spirit person for help rearing their children. This unique role of social worker was specific to Two Spirit people, for they had an excess of material wealth as a result of the gifts they received.<br />
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- http://www.ne2ss.org/history/Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-3967781236546955692012-05-02T15:15:00.000-07:002012-05-06T03:16:48.974-07:0020/20<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm gunna be on 20/20 because BEING BIGENDER IS JUST THAT AWESOME! Chatting with NPR this week, and have been referenced on the Scientific American blog, and Huffington Post so far. :-D</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;">The media attention since the study was published in February has been surprising to me... </span><span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;">Overall, I personally think that any media attention is good as long as we are not framed as delusional or broken or something like that. </span><span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;">The big news outlets are trying to do interest pieces since Dr. Rama is not permitting any more reports on the study. I'm a bit taken aback by the questions about relationships the 20/20 guy kept coming back to. He had been through all of my videos too. I'm excited about the whole thing but feeling cautious. He said I was the 5th interview he had done.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">will keep y'all updated....</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-73157515627378505132012-04-27T00:57:00.000-07:002012-05-06T03:00:30.682-07:00Violence<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">"When you witness a miracle, it is hard to not have hope, even in the face of senseless violence. Be humble to the power of love, mercy, and grace in the wake of hope. Do not let fear and guilt and sorrow prevent you from walking the path of enlightenment. The power of the heart is the greatest force on earth, but only if you let it be."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"the tears, guilt, and fear in our life remind us how much we care."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Neighbor just went through the window. For a minute, i didnt know if i was going to find a dead body outside my door.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I simply just can't live here anymore. It's time to move on! </span></span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 14px;">They were fighting again. I hope this results in their drunk asses finally getting evicted. </span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 14px;">Seriously... im on the phone with the police or landlord just about once every 6 months about something major..</span></span><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-7639404996444707402012-04-26T05:47:00.000-07:002012-05-06T03:26:44.632-07:00Feminism<span style="background-color: #cccccc; font-family: inherit;">so, im thinking out loud here after reading these two blog posts.....</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #cccccc; font-family: inherit;"><br /><a class="postlink" href="http://owningyourshit.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/transcript-of-men-not-marrying-how-deep.html" style="color: #2e233d; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: none; outline-width: initial; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none;">http://owningyourshit.blogspot.co.uk/20 ... -deep.html</a></span><br />
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<a class="postlink" href="http://owningyourshit.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/transcript-of-fempocalypse.html" style="color: #2e233d; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: none; outline-width: initial; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: #cccccc; font-family: inherit;">http://owningyourshit.blogspot.co.uk/20 ... lypse.html</span></a><br />
<span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;"><span style="background-color: #cccccc; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #cccccc;"><span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;"><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />since identifying as bigender, I have found it difficult to relate with feminist concepts. Perhaps it is seeing both sides of the fence. I think there are some really good points made in those blog posts. My gut reaction is actually "thank god I'm gay''... being in a same sex family would seem to eliminate/reduce some of the problems that directly impact me personally! I want to be the bread winner. i also want to be a </span><span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;">mom... but not in the same sense as a single cis-woman. the challenge as a bigender individual for me is how do i gain a strong positive male identity through my actions and place in society (ie: a professional in private practice, a politician, and a scientist) yet stay rooted in/retain a circle of female friends and maintain a strong female identity. i approach work in a very male way and home in a very female way (in the context/definition of the blog posts) and that is the way i like it and want it. im not trying to be everything and everyone for everybody, i am simply career driven but also capable of switching gears and dialectically being not career driven. being faab, being with a cis-guy would put him at risk of being in competition with me for "the" male role of the relationship and expecting him to share the "female role" (if he chose to take it up... and i have had a few relationships fall apart on me for this very reason). being in a relationship with a woman potentially could more compatibly allow me to be the breadwinner and also share the mother role.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #cccccc; font-family: inherit;"><br style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /><span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;">i wonder what solutions to living in gender roles and negotiating creating/retaining/thriving in their multiple gender identities exist? do you think it is possible to successfully create/retain/thrive in TWO gender roles as pertains to living as two genders? or is this an ideal and not realistically possible because whether we realize it or not society forces us to relate to our attempt at two distinct gender roles as one gender resulting in the cis-gender "epic fail" that the blog post so graphically describes of trying to fill both roles but essentially not being able to because we are designed to function within specific gender roles.</span><br style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /><br style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /><span style="color: #55515d; line-height: 18px;">*note: i realize this post is laced with assumptions and messy semantics and perhaps not so politically correct language, but i was attempting to frame my thoughts using the same set of biases used by the blog author.</span> </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-32538773744484981272012-04-20T11:03:00.000-07:002012-05-06T03:09:16.456-07:00OMFG MY STUDY IS IN THE HUFFINGTON POST!<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">OMFG MY STUDY IS IN THE HUFFINGTON POST!</span>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/19/alternating-gender-incongruity_n_1438911.html?ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/19/alternating-gender-incongruity_n_1438911.html?ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009</a>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Here is another fascinating (and sad) study.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://thetaskforceblog.org/2012/04/23/new-study-finds-genderqueer-people-face-unique-patterns-of-abuse-and-discrimination/">http://thetaskforceblog.org/2012/04/23/new-study-finds-genderqueer-people-face-unique-patterns-of-abuse-and-discrimination/</a>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“These findings aren’t just groundbreaking ... they are a call to action. No one should have to get up in the morning fearing they will be denied a job [76%], abused by police [31%], mistreated by a doctor [36%] or attacked while walking down the street [32%] simply because of their gender identity and expression. For genderqueer people, this is a harsh and unacceptable reality.” </span></span><br />
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<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_4fa64c5737b095b55790759" style="display: inline;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"The results stunned even those working in the trenches with the most targeted and marginalized transgender people. Despite having attended college or gained a college degree or higher at 1.74 times the rate of the general population (47<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"> percent versus 27 percent), respondents revealed brutal impacts of discrimination, experiencing unemployment at twice the rate and living in extreme poverty ($10,000 annually or less) at four times the rate of the general population. These and other experiences impacted study participants gravely, as 41 percent report having survived a suicide attempt."</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">percent), respondents revealed brutal impacts of discrimination, experiencing unemployment at twice the rate and living in extreme poverty ($10,000 annually or less) at </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">four times the rate of the general population. These and other experiences impacted </span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">study participants gravely, as 41 percent report having survived a suicide attempt."</span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-82060344442666646282012-04-09T03:28:00.000-07:002012-05-06T03:29:36.425-07:00Bigender Study<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">After 22 years of struggling with my gender identity and sexual orientation, I started identifying as Bigender 2 years ago. Not long after I fell into meeting a grad student under Dr. Ramachandran, famous for his work in identifying and treating phantom limbs. I convinced Laura Case to do a study on Bigender people to find out if there is any physical basis toil... ie: is it real? It was just published... take a look! Amazing!</span>
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<a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22364652">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22364652</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-18236439289699098092012-02-27T03:35:00.000-08:002012-05-06T03:36:08.656-07:00Through the Looking Glass Scholarships<br />
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so cool! i pitched this idea to Through the Looking Glass 10 years ago after much research. It started as one grant, co-funded by the DoE. Now its grown so much!</div>
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Last call for scholarship application. They are due March 5th.<br /><br />Through the Looking Glass and its National Center for Parents with Disabilities and their Families are accepting applications until March 5 for scholarships specifically for high school seniors or college students who have parents with disabilities. A total of fifteen $1000 scholarships will be given out Fall 2012. These scholarships are part of Through the Looking Glass’ National Center for Parents with Disabilities and their Families. There are separate eligibility requirements for high school seniors and for college students:</div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-30085938967149934052012-02-12T21:22:00.000-08:002012-02-12T21:44:35.653-08:00What would I do with my life?If I could envision a good life to want to live, I would...<br /><br />own my own business (or 2 or 3!)<br />live in a sun-filled cozy home with a large garden, art studio, library, and kitchen<br />travel abroad yearly<br />have health insurance<br />see my acupuncturist and massage therapist at least weekly<br /><br /><br />AND, I would go to school forever....<br />personal training<br />alcohol & drug counseling<br />nursing<br />yoga practitioner<br />movement therapy training<br />art schoolUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-73028661373973710462012-02-01T03:37:00.000-08:002012-05-06T03:37:47.582-07:00Evanescence - Hello<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Ih61MJ72v1Y?fs=1" width="459"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-6432459787421127142011-12-25T03:30:00.000-08:002012-05-06T03:34:45.150-07:00Christmas duet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-14144626925505150582011-12-11T00:33:00.001-08:002011-12-11T00:33:22.736-08:00Topic #21: Alex/Becky- NAAB name and birth names!<iframe width="459" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/tdHDAvV13X8?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-34994321024095380012011-12-11T00:33:00.000-08:002011-12-11T00:33:16.019-08:00Topic #20: Alex/Becky- personal questions<iframe width="459" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/xrFb6y2lu5E?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-85023288179313552742011-11-15T03:23:00.000-08:002011-11-15T03:23:27.679-08:003 Doors Down - Away From The Sun<iframe width="480" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/DDK5qGlLT8s?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-23085206834801670702011-09-30T04:39:00.000-07:002011-09-30T05:03:02.497-07:006 Reasons why I should be SleepingHaving trouble sleeping because I'm facing eviction. Haven't had the money for food for a week and ran out of food 2 days ago. Rent is due Monday and I just don't have it. My business is not going well. So, I've been having trouble sleeping. Tonight, I keep waking up, hungry and shaking. <br /><br /><br />6 Reasons why I should be sleeping:<br /><br />1) I don't hear my roommate trying to talk someone out of committing suicide by gunshot<br /><br />2) I don't hear the drunk neighbor girls who locked themselves out of the apartment complex again and are trying to get in by breaking down the door<br /><br />3) I don't smell the drunk neighbor girls partying on their balcony and filling my apartment with cigarette smoke and covering my car with ash and butts because their balcony is over my car.<br /><br />4) I am not bothered by the spotlights glaring in the window which surround my apartment to keep The meth addict homeless camp in the canyon 4 blocks away from rooting around in our dumpster and breaking into our cars.<br /><br />5) I don't hear the ambulance and mercy flights go by every 25 minutes to the two hospitals a few blocks away.<br /><br />6) I am less likely to see silverfish, spiders, and centipedes in my kitchen and living room (finally trapped one of the damn centipedes in a glass! They are fast!) <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MU2WQ15wSwE/ToWvlTTdROI/AAAAAAAAAOg/de2t8FfG3h8/s1600/home-centipede.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 256px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MU2WQ15wSwE/ToWvlTTdROI/AAAAAAAAAOg/de2t8FfG3h8/s320/home-centipede.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5658121562232800482" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A0fD2vkJNWM/ToWvlSnhG-I/AAAAAAAAAOY/k6BgOW9_HkE/s1600/silverfish.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 277px; height: 182px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A0fD2vkJNWM/ToWvlSnhG-I/AAAAAAAAAOY/k6BgOW9_HkE/s320/silverfish.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5658121562048502754" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-71897631431819464922011-09-26T22:58:00.001-07:002011-09-26T23:14:46.467-07:00HomelessSometimes I wonder what I would say if people asked me what it was like to be homeless for three years and 3 months. I would probably tell them I don't really know. It never really felt like I was "homeless" because I always had a place to sleep. The rest of my time I was too busy trying to get food and basic necessities and medical care to think about it. At first, I didn't really realize it. Sure, I didn't have a place to call home or even my own bed sometimes. I slept on a lot of couches and guest beds and sometimes even the floor. I never stayed in one place much longer than 3 months. But I was more or less happy because I was free to explore and be my own person. Friends and partners and sometimes even family would send me money or feed me or give me a place to crash. I kept myself busy looking for work or reading, or cooking. I struggled with mental health issues, from severe depression and mania, to psychosis, to paranoia and panic attacks, and even multiple personalities. I even tried to take my life once. I questioned who I was and where I came from. I wondered what I was going to become; what would happen to me. The stress was crippling. I wondered if anyone loved me or cared. Those that did, eventually gave up on me, because they simply couldn't help me anymore.<br /><br />A lot of good things happened too, though. When an opportunity presented itself, there was rarely a reason to turn it down. What was going to hold me back? I didn't have family or friends really that mattered that much. No real roots or attachments. No home base. No commitments. I travelled the world, meet celebrities, worked on the '08 campaign trail, started two businesses, and volunteered my time in non-profits and other organizations for people and issues that I cared about. Sometimes I was lucky and I would get a break. One job landed me health insurance for a few months. Another made me eligible for unemployment payments from the government, which gave me an opportunity to settle down long enough to get a certificate at a vocational school. <br /><br />It's been almost two years now since I was "homeless". But to be honest, today it not much different. I've sacrificed a lot. In fact, I've sacrificed pretty much everything I ever held dear. I'm on the edge and have been on the edge, for years.... just one small step from that place. This time though, there isn't really much left to sacrifice, to buy just a little bit more time to figure it all out. I am just as much in a survival mode now as I was then. I live in a bad section of town but it is something that I can afford (most of the time!). I have a disability that eats up the few resources I have, but it helps me get resources I wouldn't ordinarily have access too. I get by, but I wonder everyday how long it will last. Will I have a roof over my head next month? Will it still be here in 6 months? In a year will I be in a better place… or a worse one? I long for the day I can feel safe again, and to know that I can depend on being able to "stay" where I am. I sometimes even dare to hope that that place will be full of love. I live on hope and faith and dreams. I provide as much love to myself as I can. I try every day to find something positive and productive that will make things just a little bit better or easier for the next day. It’s a slow building process. And it's also a recovery process; to reconcile with the circumstances that put me on the street… the betrayals, the abandonment, the confusion, and self-doubt, loss of self-worth, and drive to simply instinctually survive no matter what. I dream of the day I can slow down and breathe, not so that I can pick myself up and keep fighting, but so that I can sit down and start repairing and to live for me.<br /><br /><br />I've reached a new place recently. Its a place that has allowed me to step back and see all this that has happened. My memories that I have suppressed of my childhood and of the past 6 years "surviving" are crashing back to me. Its not been an easy road. All that stuff that I didn't process is now screaming to be processed NOW. I'm struggling to balance the plates and am increasingly feeling the pressure of how close I am to loosing it. I keep staving off loosing my roof and food and medicine in 2 and 3 month chunks at a time. I fear that that may come to an end soon. I hope that I am successful in my business sooner rather than later. Its a race against time. I know I will be successful..... but will it be soon enough? And if I do manage to save the plates before they fall, will I be able to move into a new apartment that I feel safe in? Will I be able to afford seeing a doctor? Will I be able to afford a lawyer to fight my disability case? Will I be able to be well enough again to eat food and exercise ever again? Will I be able to stabilize my life enough to be able to meet people and make friends or find a partner? What about affording a new car to replace the one that got totaled 2 months ago? Or maybe find the money to buy a cap and gown to attend my own graduation ceremony next month? <br /><br />C'est la vie.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-19784593180107748302011-09-20T14:29:00.001-07:002011-09-20T14:30:00.062-07:00My latest Squidoo ArticleI thought I would share since most of my writing these days is over at squidoo.....<br /><br />http://www.squidoo.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-massage-therapistUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-91107552517796531742011-09-16T21:03:00.001-07:002011-09-16T21:03:57.066-07:00Topic # 9- Alex/Vickie: worst things about bigender<iframe width="459" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cFceu_K-60E?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-76493275796578225702011-09-16T21:03:00.000-07:002011-09-16T21:03:40.277-07:00Topic #7- Vickie/Alex: Forum Emphasis Week!<iframe width="459" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/3MmcODy4bBE?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-12711529824489504792011-08-26T21:04:00.000-07:002011-08-26T21:04:46.625-07:00Topic #6- Vickie/Alex: Bigender identification and its effect<iframe width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/a0pRtv-vPi4?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-40080821764257116402011-08-21T19:49:00.000-07:002011-08-21T20:02:43.458-07:00I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. I've been looking for my purpose and for a direction. I've been having a difficult time. Dad is moving back east and the fact that I am graduating in December is getting to me a bit. Its a big time of transition. Friday I ended up in a 2 hour meditation and self-hypnosis. While in hypnosis, I had a past life regression of all of my past lives over the past 250 years. It was an indescribable experience. I was able to resolve some difficult things and understand why I am here on earth and what I am doing. I will be making a lot of big choices that will affect me for the rest of my life really soon. I am working out what to to about my education. I want to go to art school. I found a school here is San Diego county that interests me. Today I realized that what I want with my life means I dont NEED a college degree. I want to own my own business. I want to learn for fun. I want to travel. I want to help people.
<br />
<br />I feel like I have found myself. And suddenly I feel more content with life than I have ever felt before. I'm going to be ok, no matter what.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-64721815403558490742011-08-21T19:48:00.000-07:002011-08-21T19:48:20.245-07:00topic #5- Vickie/Alex: would you/ could you choose ONE gender?<iframe width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/qZe7rzInp0k?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-81372165948699822802011-08-21T19:47:00.000-07:002011-08-21T19:47:59.200-07:00Topic #4: Vickie/Alex- Does bigenderism affect your orientation?<iframe width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/qMoQV-NTwoY?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-72693228869902347952011-08-21T19:46:00.000-07:002011-08-21T19:46:18.120-07:00Topic #3- Vickie/Alex: Are you planning on Transitioning?<iframe width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/XaSyuBD-J7A?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10358210.post-50612884358629017592011-08-21T19:45:00.000-07:002011-08-21T19:45:26.472-07:00Topic #2: How do you deal with sudden dysphoria? - Vickie/Alex<iframe width="425" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/JMexL1f5ddw?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen=""></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0