Thursday, April 29, 2010

HAIRCUT! (Alex- blue)

So, i finally got my hair cut the other day. I wanted something that would look good as Vickie and Alex. I've been researching mens haircuts for a few months and debating. But then I noticed a style very similar to what I was looking for on a female high school classmate of mine. She was always somewhat of a role model for me growing up. Later, after we graduated I found out she was bi-sexual as well. Well.... now she's got a hair cut that looks FUCKING AWESOME on her.... but is almost identical to the male haircut that I've been thinking about. SWEET!

Fortunately, my classmate has a similar body build as I, so I figured it would work for me too. Got my hair cut and now I am thrilled. I have been frequently been breaking out in giggles because it is fun to play with. I can gel it into all sorts of styles. Flat like Rhianna, a faux-haux, spiky flat top, swirled. And, it makes me feel more confident as a male and want to get a wig for my female side. I have never felt this confident as Alex before (nor happy). Its like an identity verification. What HAS been pissing me off is that since I don't have the materials to bind my chest, unfortunately I fear people will think of me as a butch lesbian which is NO WHERE near the truth. *sigh* One thing at a time and no reason to spoil the fun, right! I have a little victory, it seems (or feels like).

An interesting thing I noticed is that getting my hair cut like this brought up an old memory. I often say that my first memories of knowing I was a boy in a female body was at my house in Lima, NY. But this memory hails from Niagara Falls, where I lived until I was 5. When i was 4-ish, I saw a guy with a mohawk. I thought it was cool. So during "nap-time" I cut all my hair off the sides. In my mind, I was doing it because I wanted to emulate something that was gender appropriate, not just because it was cool. NOTHING I said to my mother make sense to her when I tried to explain. She didn't understand. I liked my hair short. I think this is my first honest memory of knowing my gender didn't match my body. I hated it long, even when she made me grow it out, curling it under with irons every morning before school.

Apart from a fear of being burned by the irons a few times, I hated being feminine, even as a child. When I was in second grade my grandparents and parents re-did my room as a "surprise". The redid it in pink and white with lace, complete with a 4 post-canopy bed. Vickie, I'm sure was thrilled, but for the most part I hated my room so completely that I wouldn't use it any more except when I had to go to sleep. Even then, I never slept well in the room. It felt like an utter violation and I started having terrible nightmares (I'm sure influenced by the molestation as well)and started sleep-walking. Once I was a teenager, often times my room was the only safe haven from emotional and physical abuse in the house. Literally, I think it was me taking "refuge" in a stereotype (being a girl) that I didn't want but had to play. Certainly, psychologically I was that way too as well because I would wear makeup and dresses to avoid lectures and screaming at me. But, it all just made the scar that much deeper because I was stuffing the pain down. Honestly though, I had more immediate issues (rape, abuse, being sick from gluten, etc) that had to take priority, unfortunately, for immediate survival.

Its funny how trying to being yourself can be such a difficult process. YAY haircuts!


Orvis said...

That's an awesome haircut. I'm kind of jealous. For a while I had a faux-hawk going on and it was great, but I couldn't keep it up.

You look really happy in those pictures. Rock on Alex.

--Orvis (Brian Evans)

Vicky-Bex-Alex said...

Awww.... thanks brian! That means a lot to me! :-)

Vicky-Bex-Alex said...

btw... is it orvis or brian? :-/

Orvis said...

Generally I prefer Orvis (as friends I met after 2007—including my super-awesome, I'm going-to-marry-her-girlfriend—call me), but I'm never really letting go of Brian. As I'm sure you know, some people have an impossible time changing what name they call you.

Kitty said...

Sorry, blog lurker crawling out of the woodwork here - I just wanted to say that haircut looks great on you! :)

Bex (Vicky/Alex) said...

thanks kitty! no need to say sorry. :-) I like comments!

DAD said...

Just catching up on your blog.

The funny thing about a mirror is that when you "LOOK DEEPER" at the image before you - you realize the mirror is providing a reflection of your soul and your inner beauty. When you truly ACCEPT THAT IMAGE, you acknowlege your beauty and realize what gifts you have to share with the world. That's the CONFIDENCE building up from your gut BEX!

Your passion, your journey to unlock your soul, your unquenchable thirst for truth, justice and a better world ARE TRULY AN INSPIRATION (thanks for reminding us B-Orvis).

May your "new reflection" give flight to Alex, and confidence to the others within - and balance to your soul!!!

BTW - Me and the Mr. ABSOLUTELY LOVE the haircut!


Anonymous said...

Love the cut. Looks great on you.

Love ya.


Vicky-Bex-Alex said...

thanks guys. :-)

Ander said...

Hello There! I just came across your blog through a livejournal link. I am bigender, and my name is Ander, and sometimes I am Dot. I really enjoyed finding your blog because I haven't met too many other multi-gender folk who have different names, visual presentation and identities for each of their genders.

I relate deeply to what you say about still understanding yourself to be one person. I am definitely always the same person! Sometimes I feel like a fraud because having two names and personas implies that I am two different people, while it's still always the same ME inside my head.

I also appreciated when you spoke about the blending of your genders. I experience this too, but I have denied it because it made me uncomfortable to admit it. To the outside world, I never let them see a mix, but internally, I often feel blury and it makes me uncomfortable! Since reading your experience, I have realized this and am already feeling more comfortable about it.

Lastly, the concept of identifying as more than two genders is really exciting to me since, believe it or not, it never occurred to me! There are more parts of me that could potentially be named, right now only feelings I've ignored because they didn't fit into my existing situation- I'm realizing all of this now... I will have to think about it more and consider if they have enough force to become their own personality. Anyway, thanks for the helpful words and good luck on your continuing journey. I will pop by from time to time to say hello!


Bex (Vicky/Alex) said...

I'm glad you came to visit! I had the same experience, even though I haven't talked about it much here. I used to identify as Bigender and had two names, but didn't have a concept of having two identities. Everything was a mix things and I never was really able to separate them, nor did I want to either (give my history of being abused for dong so).

My bf (at the time) "out'ed me" from the closet, so to speak, to a mutual co-worker and to make a long story short I had an identity crisis. During this time I came across the term trigender in a forum and the more I thought about it, the more i realized that there was more to just feeling like I was a guy sometimes and a girl sometimes.

It took several months of "getting to know" the different sides of me before I realized that feeling like I was one gender or another (or a mix) just wasn't good enough. I wanted others to know how I was feeling inside. Since then, it has been a learning process, figuring out how to be a male and female. I feel like I'm 4 right now, trying to figure out how the world works and how I fit into it.

I hope to see you around again! I makes me happy to see that others can pull strength from my worlds. No one else is standing up for us mutigenders!