Friday, April 30, 2010

Living for ME (Vicki- purple)

Adam came by today. I knew he was stopping by and I didn't sleep at all last night because I was all tied up in knots in anxiety. He came by to drop off some of my stuff he had. It was short. A few hollow smiles and well wishes and it was over. He went off in a rush cuz he is driving to Santa Cruz tonight for the summer. I realized that none of this mattered anymore when it didn't bother me (more like punch me in gut) like something like this normally would.

During all of this I am making almond milk for my breakfast cereal and trying to dehydrate the left over almond pieces (without a proper dehydrator) to make almond meal/flour for a strawberry-almond muffin recipe I found. My roommate is in Baltimore for the weekend so I was feeling a bit lonely. I thought about how I have been making a few friends at school (so awesome!.... something so difficult for me because of the bipolar and the abuse). Then, "viva la vida" by cold play came on the radio. I smiled. I guess I had never really listened to the words before. It made me realize how I had lost so much last December but how far I've come and I'm a different person. I realized that I didn't need Adam. I realized that I have let him go A LOT in the past 2 weeks. Even when he put me down on the phone yesterday, twice, it didn't bother me as much. I just didn't care. Sure, it hurt, but I realized I'm not so attached anymore.

And then I smiled and realized that I am happy with my life. Most importantly, I'm HAPPY.

A lot of things really really suck right now. But overall.... I am living my life for ME! Me, no one else. Thats an amazing feeling when you have never done that before. And really, does anything else really matter?


2 comments:

Orvis said...

In so many ways, you are an inspiration.

Vicky-Bex-Alex said...

:-D

.... you saying that is for me rather amazing. Other than my dad, you are the only other family member that hasn't cut off communication with me after coming out or continues to ignore anything and everything having to do with the issues on my blog. thanks! :-D