Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Taking back my blog! (Alex)

I'm falling apart. I'm struggling with premonitions and the fact that they are coming true. I've been haunted with them my whole life. But I thought I finally made them stop. I've been grieving my grandfather for the past week and a half and trying to figure out how to deal with what I knew. And then it actually came to pass.... my grandfather passed away last night. My Lyme meds are making my ears go haywire and if I don't get it figured out in the next 48 hours, my doctor said I won't be able to fly and thus make it to the funeral.

I am freaking out because our stove is still broken and it makes a difficult situation in feeding myself even more difficult. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. And since I have been so sick and struggling for the previous 10 days, I'm so behind in homework that I am risking serious damage. I have an exam in all four classes starting Thursday and going through Tuesday and some of the classes I haven't even learned the material yet.

So let me say a few things to you ASSHOLES that keep sending me messages about how terrible a person I am. I want to know if you think it is "bitchy" to mourn my grandfather, or get stressed out that I struggle to feed myself, or if I am afraid that I will miss my grandfather's funeral because of some "made up" disease that I should be "grateful" that I am alive because "some people are worse off than me" or some other shit. THIS IS MY BLOG AND NOT YOURS!

I have a right to my own feelings and actions and delusions if that is what they may be. If I tried to be like you and make myself a straight laced, gun carrying, bible thumping idiot like most of you are, or an intellectual "I'm better than you" know-it-all (and by the way, I already have a list of names that I tracked down via all of your IP addresses) most of you would probably have a bullet hole through you (with the sound softened by shooting through your own bible or textbook of choice). But I am not like you. Thus, that is the reason you still have the freedom to harass me. I accept that there are people that life an alternative lifestyle out there consisting of worshiping idols and fake gods and scientific numbers and dead poets. But you don't see me getting in your face about it, do you? So FUCK OFF and live your own deluded life. I'm quite happy in my own delusion, thank you very much!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Wow, what a week! (Alex)

I got my decision from Social Security on my disability today! DENIED! I plan on repealing with the new information from the Lyme Disease. I'm kinda glad though, because I need the extra money from unemployment for my doctors and if I went on disability, I would have a substantial decrease in income. Its been quite a week. A tough one emotionally, but I got through it nearly 100% in tact and I learned a lot about myself. I'm glad it is over. I've got the weekend to do homework, catch up with friends, and get some much needed relaxation and recuperation. I might even go for a bike ride after I set up the pots and pans drum set on the kitchen floor! Its NEVER too late to be a kid!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Local Lyme Advocate! (Alex)

Check out this link to a 5 minute clip on lyme disease. Local San Diego 6 News reporter is a survivor of lyme's disease. She is now an advocate and attended a Lyme disease awareness walk last saturday (that i was unaware of) here in San Diego.

Looking a the pictures on Facebook of the event really made me realize that I am not alone. I may have lost everything, but there are thousands out there that are going through the same thing. I look forward to the day when I can wear a t-shirt that says "I survived", too! Those pictures also made me realize that for many, death is preferable to living a life with lyme. I don't mean to sound fatalistic. Lyme is a TERRIBLE thing. It makes me so angry that people don't understand the severity. Its like having cancer and doctors telling you that you are making it up and that you are crazy because they can't diagnose it for years. Imagine going through cancer without any support from family or friends or society because no one had heard of it. I am forever thankful to be under the care of my naturopath that is helping me get better by leaps and bounds. I have hope for the first time. <3

Monday, October 18, 2010

Boyfriend with Health Benefits (Vickie- red)

This is amazing. hehe. I can't say I'm entirely innocent of actually doing this either...... :-/

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

New Direction (Vickie- purple)

I've been seriously considering stopping blogging the past month or so. I've been getting an increasing number of "anonymous" hate comments on my blog here. Today I got another one and it really made me upset because it was worded in a way that sounds like someone from my family wrote it. In the spirit of Mathew Shepard and yesterday being National Coming Out Day, and today's events revolving around that, I have decided not to let hate defeat me.

Mesa College, where I have started taking some classes, is trying to start up an LGBT group on campus. I went to their meeting and there was like 12 people there (and it was their 3rd ever!) and 3 of us were trans! In honor of yesterday being Nat'l Coming Out Day, we did a round table on our coming out experiences. It was an amazing experience for me because I have never shared that before, nor heard other stories first hand. It made me feel like I wasn't the only one who had suffered at the hands of homophobic towns or schools or religions or parents. But also, many (if not most) had utterly happy and peaceful coming out experiences which made me very very happy.

Mathew Shepard was a college student in Wyoming that was brutally murdered because he was gay. In light of that, the news and media have been talking about scores of young LGBT that have suffered abuse and hate; bullying and being driven to suicide in the past few weeks. I may get a few hateful messages here, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm genderqueer and proud to be part of the LGBT community. I'm also thankful that I have wonderful doctors and therapists that are helping me recover from Lymes Disease, which is no less traumatic than having cancer. I need to reach out into the Lymes community for help and support. I'm not going to be bothered by idiots that dare challenge me that I am "just fine" living sick. Anyone who cares about me would want me healthy and happy.... even if it was JUST an imagined illness.

Its been an amazing week so far. I've reconnected with the Rotary club and plan to get very active in the group, perhaps even being president next year. Yesterday I ran into Bastyr college at Mesa and decided to finally follow my dream of going there. And I am going to have fun playing with body paint with my friends on Thursday and go to free Qigong lessons in Balboa Park next Saturday. I see Dr. Mazza next week and I am going to ask her for approval to start Testosterone. I think I want to start sooner rather than later. I want to change my life NOW. Do the things I've always wanted to do. I only have today to live and tomorrow to dream about. I don't want to wait anymore and always put shoulds in front of wants. I don't live under an authoritarian life/fun sucker anymore. I live under my own authority.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Flashback (Bex- yellow)

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up and my energy was a mess. It was "processing" but not right. This morning it was wet and rainy and I felt "damp". I am a fire sign/person, so I lit candles and made some tea and recharged. When i got in the shower, I had a flashback of when I was shaken and hit and trapped in a corner. It was really scary. I spent several hours afterwards working it out and using the skills I have worked so hard to gain this past year from Trauma Touch therapy, from school, from DBT, and from my own intuition. I can't say I enjoyed the process of letting it process.... but I am feeling much better and feel like it actually DID process, and not re-traumatize me. That is a HUGE step. I have never accomplished that before. I know that the massage triggered it. I don't know what I expected or intended from working from a massage therapist, but I do feel that this is the right thing to do. Even just a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have been able to do this.

One thing that has really helped recently is that I got a mugwort plant. It is like the shaman of the plant world. Its pretty awesome. It is a protector plant and has a strong spirit and dispels bad spirits and energy. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting in the presence of a plant that is emanating smiley faces in the air. Its so cool. I wish I got more sunlight in my apartment because I would totally keep a Venus Fly Trap too.

I feel much more optimistic about my next massage now than I did last night. Its been a pretty powerful process this past 12 hours. I'm also glad that I'm doing this every 2 weeks. I need the time in between to fully process anything that happens.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Vickie- purple

I've made the decision to start getting massage. I figure, I need to be comfortable receiving massage before I can BE a massage therapist. My goal is to work with someone that can help me with my somatic issues and build up trust. My naturopath, Dr. Mazza, recommended a friend of her's that is also an MD in mexico. We had an appointment this evening. He did a mostly Tu'i Na session (which is kinda like the Asian version of Swedish with a bit of deep tissue). I set out clear boundaries, and he (mostly) followed them... nothing bad, just stuff I wasn't clear enough on. I figure that this is going to take a few (or more) sessions to be comfortable with, even just the concept of getting a massage.

This is a scary step for me. The way Mueller handled my trauma history ended up giving me severe PTSD. At least I know what I need to do to.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Vickie- purple

I had a really good session with my therapist today. For the first time in a long time, I feel like someone is one my side, and can actually help me climb out of this hell hole I live in. For the first time I have hope that the terrible things people did to me for 18 years won't haunt me in my dreams anymore and won't make me scream in terror when I am awake.

Fuck you all that made me ruin my life.

I've also realized something. I'm terrified of sitting in silence when someone else is in the room/apartment/house. The only time I ever experienced silence growing up was when I was about to be assaulted. Thats cuz the TVs and radio were turned off whenever something was about to happen.