I'm falling apart. I'm struggling with premonitions and the fact that they are coming true. I've been haunted with them my whole life. But I thought I finally made them stop. I've been grieving my grandfather for the past week and a half and trying to figure out how to deal with what I knew. And then it actually came to pass.... my grandfather passed away last night. My Lyme meds are making my ears go haywire and if I don't get it figured out in the next 48 hours, my doctor said I won't be able to fly and thus make it to the funeral.
I am freaking out because our stove is still broken and it makes a difficult situation in feeding myself even more difficult. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. And since I have been so sick and struggling for the previous 10 days, I'm so behind in homework that I am risking serious damage. I have an exam in all four classes starting Thursday and going through Tuesday and some of the classes I haven't even learned the material yet.
So let me say a few things to you ASSHOLES that keep sending me messages about how terrible a person I am. I want to know if you think it is "bitchy" to mourn my grandfather, or get stressed out that I struggle to feed myself, or if I am afraid that I will miss my grandfather's funeral because of some "made up" disease that I should be "grateful" that I am alive because "some people are worse off than me" or some other shit. THIS IS MY BLOG AND NOT YOURS!
I have a right to my own feelings and actions and delusions if that is what they may be. If I tried to be like you and make myself a straight laced, gun carrying, bible thumping idiot like most of you are, or an intellectual "I'm better than you" know-it-all (and by the way, I already have a list of names that I tracked down via all of your IP addresses) most of you would probably have a bullet hole through you (with the sound softened by shooting through your own bible or textbook of choice). But I am not like you. Thus, that is the reason you still have the freedom to harass me. I accept that there are people that life an alternative lifestyle out there consisting of worshiping idols and fake gods and scientific numbers and dead poets. But you don't see me getting in your face about it, do you? So FUCK OFF and live your own deluded life. I'm quite happy in my own delusion, thank you very much!