Monday, August 30, 2010

Someday (Alex-blue)

I worry that I won't ever find someone.... a partner(s). I imagine conversations all the time, running through my head about what I would say if someone was interested in me. About my disabilities, my genders, my diet. I watch movies like "Rain Man" and see myself in the main character. I read complicated technical books and get happily lost in them, but I can't stand shows like "Mad Men" or even talk to my professor and understand the face she gives me.... because I don't get it. I don't understand the drama. I see shows like Mad Men or the Office rife with sexism and racism with women and men trailing after each others crotches and debating how to screw over some guy so that his family ends up on the street homeless and without food. Why is that entertaining?

I think of all the great and wonderful things i have done that few people can say they have accomplished and/or survived. I'm 23 and already come with heavy baggage. I'm sensitive and particular. Seclusive. Needy. I want that safe feeling of being safe in a space with someone I trust. I need someone to understand that I get freaked out if someone touches and can spend hours watching fan blades and running water and flashing lights and details in the leaves of trees and blades of grass, lost in the symphonies of Hayden or Mozart or Verdi. I will talk for hours about genomic structures and how I made my latest dinner dish and my plans to someday own my own business or the architecture & culture of Europe, past and present. I am fascinated that abstraction and math and music and art and physics all converge into the wondrous and mysterious image and can be calculated and depicted and mesmerizing but please don't ask me to calculate it because the numbers and symbols will jump all over the page or go missing. It is not that I can't solve the problem, it is that my brain keeps seeing the wrong problems and solving those ones.

I'm possessive and don't like people touching or taking my stuff. I expect people to follow the rules and treat each other with respect. There are social rules too! I put a lot of effort to follow them and I expect others to do the same towards me. I get angry and confused when people are shallow about anything.... fads, life, hobbies, putting on a mask for society, lying to make things "easier". All people deserve to live their lives not impinged on by others. Social Justice is for all, not a few. Greed makes little sense to me either. Or wanting absolute power and control. I need to control everything. Control my environment, my life. But why would someone want so much power that they hurt others and continue to do so, even when they know they are doing so?

I want someone to share my life with. I need a family. A family that cares about my wellbeing through deeds and words, not just sentiment. I need people in my life that care about my wellbeing. Not people that are not what they seem like or say on the surface. I don't get that. Life is already too complicated.... why make it more so?

Lately I've been giving up on the constant anxiety and tension to do/try what I know is "normal". I try so hard. It was indoctrinated into me. I can't be "weird" I was told. But I want to stop doing that. It feels like a double edge sword. It feels like admitting that I loose my inheritance to "normalcy" and admitting that I am some psychiatric case. But I don't believe I am. Most of the time. I just don't want others to think I am. I just want to be me. Live out my desires and not constantly tailor them to think... if I do this or say that will people look at me funny? I know how to act normal. But I don't want to do that anymore. I'm giving up on that.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Muscle tone (Alex- blue)

I have a problem.

I am loosing feeling, sensation and control of my muscles. I can't move them. I can't feel my body. My sensation is dull. I can dig my nail into my body and hardly feel it. Some places tingle. I can tense major muscle groups (in most part of my body--- in some I can't at all). I can not relax any muscle voluntarily.

This has been getting progressively worse for over a month. I've been much worse than this and God, I really don't want to get that bad. But it is progressing steadily. I feel desperate and I am watching and feeling myself loose sensation and control. Desperation to feel something. Desperation to move. Desperation to relax so that the tense muscles aren't always twitching.

I've taken the Calcium and Magnesium, etc. I've taken the pain meds, the sedatives, the muscle relaxers.... nothing works. And I can't feel my body. I'm turning into a fluffy cotton ball feeling. Why is this happening to ME?!?!?!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

What am I? (Bex-yellow)

I don't like the ocean. Or the desert. It presents a problem when one lives in San Diego. None-the-less, I have a habit of wanting to go out on Saturday nights, and actually interact with people! I'm learning to use my new Asperger strategies to good use. Normally I just walk around Hillcrest or Downtown. I rarely work up the courage to go IN places. But it is fun to look at buildings and people at night. They look different at night.

Tonight I didn't go out out. I went to the beach. I normally leave at around 10pm on Saturdays, so I got in my car and went to Dog Beach in Ocean Beach. Let me remind you... I don't like the ocean. I just wanted to go somewhere. I needed to clear my head. I started walking along the water's edge. One of the reasons I don't like the ocean is because it is so loud.... and so ANGRY sounding. I watched for a while. I tried to remember all the times I had come to the ocean. Whale watches, school trips, hiking trips, Oaxaca Mexico. I realized that despite my aversion to the ocean it had left a huge mark on my life; changes. I walked to the pier and then back. I watched the ocean at the pier for a while and contemplated that the ocean was so angry and it never stopped. Chaos kept rolling; never ending. The waves slowly fizzed out and rolled onto shore and left a mark on the sand.... that with time will eventually lift/evaporate away. My life I guess is kinda like that.

After a while on walking on the waters edge again (mostly to avoid the fire rings with people further up from the tides) I realized I was walking between the chaos of my life and the social life I always wanted. I walked between and was yet so close to both.

I've been very depressed lately. I have been processing a lot of emotions from a year ago. It has hit me kind of hard. My new medication (I'm off Lithium finally!!!!!!) is sedating me (which contrary to popular thought makes things worse) and the intended effects won't kick in until almost October, so I'm kinda going solo here. I feel like one of the only things that I was ever good at, I am so ashamed of. I was really good at something, and I still get compliments on it occasionally. I'm proud of the skill but ashamed at how I acquired it and how I used it. I was prepared to be successful because I practiced almost everyday as a child. Its no thing a child should have to learn. I tried to use it for good and did for a while. Then, I found I could support my self and get off of pretty much living on the streets. I hated it while I was doing it. Yet I miss it terribly..... cuz it made me happy. I was successful, respected, looked up to, better than everyone else, and worth something. It was something that helped others in the long run and respected by powerful people. It was respected, honestly, cuz it is a dirty job. No one wants to do it. Not many can. And I was GOOD AT IT. Top of the line. I was ashamed that I was doing such as low level dirty job but went to sleep proud of myself every night that it I did it and I was one the best! I left willingly. I wanted to move up in the world. I didn't exactly make it.

When you don't have friends and family to give you that worth of a person, your career and your hobbies are almost everything to you. The people in your life mean pretty much everything, even if they are not the healthiest people for you in the world. I admit it... I'm jealous that I'm not mucking it with the best of them in one of the least desirable jobs in this country. I miss the people that were there for you no matter what when it got bad and you for them. Its like the brotherly love you have for your fellow soldiers. We were soldiers of civil service. The kind you don't hear about and spit upon when you do. Hated and respected by all. It comes complete with battle scars, stories, training, commanders and officers, missions and PTSD.

I'm looking for myself. Trying to find myself. My direction. I know where I am and I know who I am. But what am I? What do you do with yourself when you come back from the War and what you have been trained to be doesn't exist in civilian life?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Frustrated (Alex-Blue)

I feel like I'm spinning a lot of different plates. I decided to go up to Mesa College today. I had to turn in some paperwork by today to get my name changed in the rosters at school. I'm still fighting Mueller about that too. While I was there I wanted to find my classroom and the bookstore. I find that I have to take things in little bites or I get overwhelmed. I got overwhelmed. I found my classroom, then I stumbled upon the commons, and then went searching for the Bookstore. I should have stopped when I stumbled upon the commons. I'm dissociated and dizzy. My new medications don't help either because they are heavily sedating me. In a prefect world I would try to meet the teacher before class starts on Monday. I have a feeling that its going to be to much, with class and everything. One step at a time.

I am waiting on the test results for Lyme. I meet with my doctor on the 2nd of September. My brother and his girlfriend are going to be in town that week as well. In the meantime, I am really starting to struggle with what appears to be arthritis. It makes me worry about my career as a massage therapist. I sat down with the director of bodywork at Mueller and we talked about options and career paths. No matter how I fight it, life is pushing me towards energy work. I don't even believe in energy work!!!

I am becoming frustrated with my psychological team as well. I feel like I am not being respected because at least 6 different major diagnosis's have been thrown around/at me the past few weeks and I'm not getting much say in it. I will be meeting with the supervisor of my psychiatrist on Friday. Who knows what will happen. Everything could get sorted out or everything could go to shit.

Everything is about waiting now. Waiting for Disability insurance. Waiting to be able to start my business rolling. And, at the end of September I have an endocrinology appointment that I am hoping will get the ball rolling to start Testosterone. Hopefully I will have answers and information between now and then to be able to work with the physician more efficiently. Between now and then I will go on with my frustratingly starvation grain-free diet (sans corn) and adjusting to my new meds. Sedation, WHOOOOOOO! (not so good on the focusing on school and driving side of things).

Monday, August 09, 2010

Back to Basics

It comes full circle.... I saw my Naturopath today. She needed to talk/speak to me about something she found in my charts. Apparently my white blood cell counts are chronically low indicating an ongoing low level infection. We had assumed years ago that it was a result of inflammation from gluten. Then I updated her on the Aspergers and my frustration that my sore throat and sinus infection and yeast infection has not gone away despite the elimination of corn. This freaked her out and apparently "confirms" her suspicions. The two course antibiotic treatment I had taken for Lyme's Disease years ago probably did not eradicate it. So, she drew blood and is sending it to the lab to test for Lyme's.

I don't know how to describe my thoughts and feelings now. Exasperated is the closest I can come. I just want this to be over. At least I don't have psychosis anymore (thank you gluten elimination).

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Letting Go (Alex-green)

I remember the first post I made on this blog when I started it. I remember quite visibly. I don't remember what I wrote exactly but it was something along the lines that this was going to document my time in Germany. The thing is.... when I wrote that, I didn't believe it. I knew this blog was going to be more than that. It was about me trying to find myself.

I was in my personal finance class and very very sick. I was sleeping more than usual and was a walking zombie for lack of sleep. Eventually the doctors said I had mono. Over time I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease, then hypoglycemia, then as a hypochondriac.... eventually Celiac Disease, adrenal problems, food allergies, depression, bipolar, trauma survivor, ptsd, anxiety disorders, and now Aspergers, Dysthymic Disorder, and ADD. I've been running for so long. Running away and running towards something. But I have been taking the new diagnoses better than I expected. To my benefit, I'm not suicidal or breaking down or malfunctioning in some way. Granted I haven't slept much in 2 days (actually all week) and haven't eaten either. I've been just processing.

I'm actually quite happy about it all. I feel surprisingly lighter now. The pieces to the puzzle have been found. So why am I grieving?

After a 2 day marathon of Hulu I actually stepped foot out of my apartment this evening. The sun was starting to go down and clarity came to me. I wondered what in the world I am doing in San Diego and how did I get here? What am I doing with my life now that I am not running anymore? Then it struck me.... I never made the conscious choice to move here. It was one of survival. I never asked myself if I wan't to move here. I'm free to go anywhere I want in this world. But if I stay here, then it has to be with purpose. A lot of anger, pain, grief from my past has been the subject of my dismay the past few days. It feels like to me a last hurrah.... I was sick as a child, and my mother took it out on me. Beat me, punished me, blackmailed me and my teachers, yelled at me, abused me. Let me be molested. Punished me for being serially raped. And my family always told me that "nothing was wrong with me" whenever I asked for help. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. My doctors believe that the Ausperger tendencies and much of everything else is probably a product of trauma and just manifests as an imitation of the plethora of psychiatric disorders I have now.

So, I'm saying my last goodbyes and finally letting go of the pain and anger that I have held for so long. If nothing else, I'm at least capable of making decisions and living for me now. I'm no longer on automatic pilot.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Guilt (vickie-orange)

Its been really bothering me lately that my ex has been doing really well in his job lately. The reason is that when we worked together last year, our office was a complete failure. Together, the two of us were some of the best fundraisers in the nation, and certainly on the west coast. But we couldn't successfully run the office or retain staff. Granted, it was in the middle of one of the worse recessions EVER and almost no office across the country was doing well either. Eventually, I took over much of the staffing and in-field training that was above my rank just to keep the office from being shut down. Later, I went on to use those skills to start a whole solar company and bring in over one-half million dollars in our first quarter.

We left the company together, he to another division and I to the solar company. A friend of his came to take over our office. For several months he didn't do well at all either. Then, things picked up and they have been doing awesome ever since. My ex, however went on to learn many valuable skills at this other position on the UCSD campus. Over the summers, however, he is required to run a fundraising office again. He is in Santa Cruz now, and is bringing in more money in a week than we managed in half a year. He is breaking all sorts of crazy records, and frankly, doing very very well.

So, why do I feel so terrible about it?

For some reason it makes me feel that the reason the office was such a failure last year was because of me. My presence (or lack thereof) is the biggest variable. But I guess logically that doesn't make sense. He has learned a lot and come a long way since last year and he deserves to finally be able to be successful at managing a fundraising office. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it, like his failures were my fault. Although he never did tell me why he broke up with me, somewhere in my gut, him blaming me for his failure to do his job well, although he never said it, probably had a bigger in his decision to leave me than most of the other fears and reasons I could come up with. That makes me very uncomfortable. That was something I never could understand about him or anyone else.... why people blamed others for their own problems.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Life (Bex-yellow)

Birds take flight
an endless array of possibility
to choose
to go
wherever they may

but evolutions cruel joke made
only one path
one way
one migratory route
to live and die by

a jail with invisible walls

an illusion of freedom