Saturday, August 07, 2010

Letting Go (Alex-green)

I remember the first post I made on this blog when I started it. I remember quite visibly. I don't remember what I wrote exactly but it was something along the lines that this was going to document my time in Germany. The thing is.... when I wrote that, I didn't believe it. I knew this blog was going to be more than that. It was about me trying to find myself.

I was in my personal finance class and very very sick. I was sleeping more than usual and was a walking zombie for lack of sleep. Eventually the doctors said I had mono. Over time I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease, then hypoglycemia, then as a hypochondriac.... eventually Celiac Disease, adrenal problems, food allergies, depression, bipolar, trauma survivor, ptsd, anxiety disorders, and now Aspergers, Dysthymic Disorder, and ADD. I've been running for so long. Running away and running towards something. But I have been taking the new diagnoses better than I expected. To my benefit, I'm not suicidal or breaking down or malfunctioning in some way. Granted I haven't slept much in 2 days (actually all week) and haven't eaten either. I've been just processing.

I'm actually quite happy about it all. I feel surprisingly lighter now. The pieces to the puzzle have been found. So why am I grieving?

After a 2 day marathon of Hulu I actually stepped foot out of my apartment this evening. The sun was starting to go down and clarity came to me. I wondered what in the world I am doing in San Diego and how did I get here? What am I doing with my life now that I am not running anymore? Then it struck me.... I never made the conscious choice to move here. It was one of survival. I never asked myself if I wan't to move here. I'm free to go anywhere I want in this world. But if I stay here, then it has to be with purpose. A lot of anger, pain, grief from my past has been the subject of my dismay the past few days. It feels like to me a last hurrah.... I was sick as a child, and my mother took it out on me. Beat me, punished me, blackmailed me and my teachers, yelled at me, abused me. Let me be molested. Punished me for being serially raped. And my family always told me that "nothing was wrong with me" whenever I asked for help. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. My doctors believe that the Ausperger tendencies and much of everything else is probably a product of trauma and just manifests as an imitation of the plethora of psychiatric disorders I have now.

So, I'm saying my last goodbyes and finally letting go of the pain and anger that I have held for so long. If nothing else, I'm at least capable of making decisions and living for me now. I'm no longer on automatic pilot.

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