Monday, April 28, 2008

working, and working, and working

so, i've been working hard at my two jobs, both of which are never consistent. I'm trying to catch up on my bills. but it's not working very well. Another round of court battles ensue on may 8th. the last one didn't go so well. it looks like dad and I won't be able to keep ourselves in this apartment. The problem is, that are rent is already the lowest in the area. but the good news is that i got an extension on my scholarship at Wooster, so I might be able to get back in January, yea! ... if we can get through this. I'm sick of living in constant fear. never knowing what will happen. One week everything is going to be ok, the next week the whole world feels like it is collapsing on me. I can go to Wooster, i can't go to Wooster. I can cover all my bills, then I can't. We are going to loose the house and the car gets repossessed, then it isn't. Back and forth, back and forth. Everything.

my spare time (whats left) is taken up by cooking my meals in preparation for the week and reading a bit. I've started making some friends too... so that is fun, hanging out and stuff. its good for me, lol.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Moving on

Increasingly it feels like my parents are fighting over me because it is something to fight about. I don't think very many people could possibly imagine the horror I've been through in the past 3 months. When it comes to money, my parents fight over me so they can get tax write-offs and other support payments to pay off credit cards, mortgages, etc. But when it comes to helping me with medical bills, food, or going to school... forget it. I'm non-existent.

I have dreams and goals. Things I want to do. To see. To be. But it feels like one half of those things I'm being or have been prevented from accomplishing. The other half I'm too afraid of because every time I try to achieve them myself (mind you... without much support or guidance) I often failed. When I succeeded, it didn't matter to my family. I guess I had chosen poor friends because they didn't care much either.

San Diego feels like both my prison and my haven of respite. If I went back to school, would everything just magically be better though? No... But I'd at least like the chance to pretend.