Friday, April 16, 2010

My battle (Bex- yellow)

If I tried to link all the things that I have done in my life under one umbrella term.... it would be:

"saving the world"

The first thing I ever did in my life and honestly the only thing I've ever done in my life that has made me happy and I am proud of is to get out there and help people and fight for causes and ideas. I've had a terrible hole in my heart of despair since Thanksgiving last year. I thought it was losing my job, maybe losing my relationship, or getting diagnosed with a major mental illness. I've thought it was grief over the past, the things I have missed out on in life because of disease or abuse or grief over a life untangling a gender identity. I blamed it on being unemployed, the weather, deserving it maybe, being at the bottom of the social ladder, and little access to help. But its not all those things. Cuz when I went out there and volunteered doing something that I hated, I felt like the happiest person alive. When I was rejected by groups because of volunteer oversight mismanagement, I was more than just devastated.

I have this hole in my heart because I used to spend every day fighting for what I believe in. Even when I had lost hope, I still had my faith. Its the thing that has kept me alive so many times when everything otherwise said I wouldn't be.

I don't know what I believe in as well as I used to. I've never had to stop fighting before and just listen. I'm listening now! I don't want to give up fighting. Right now I'm fighting a lot; a private battle. This is my place. I need to have the patience and peace to know that I will return to the big fight someday. But this is my place now. And my blog more than ever is my battle ground where I fight for myself.

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