The topic of my distress today is an old one. Wooster. I regularly get twitter updates on my phone from people and organizations. There is one person that I follow called Ignacio Rivera. He is gender fluid and multi-gendered and does presentations and performances around North America on LGBT and sex based issues. I woke up this morning to one of his tweets, announcing that he had just arrived in Wooster, OH to do a presentation and performance at the college.
Two things went through my mind. First.... I want to see Ignacio Rivera. Second.... I want to be at Woo. *sigh*
I tried to contact some of my old friends there, but none really responded to me. So I shrugged it off, and got ready for my DBT group.
At DBT we did a mindfulness exercise where we listened to a word being said and had to dwell on the word but not on the meaning of the word. If any thoughts, feelings, etc come up, we were to imagine them floating along on a conveyor belt and landing in buckets (appropriately named) located at the end of the belt. One of the words reminded me of Wooster, and I had a really hard time watching "Wooster" just float down the belt and drop off. I actually fought it. I realized then, that I have never let go. Suddenly I realized why I get so jealous of Adam at UCSD or crave to go to Mesa or SDSU. The disappointment and let down I have had from Mueller College makes sense. How leaving the PRIG's and ultimately California Solar Innovations hurt so much. My rejected attempts at participating in peer groups at my church didn't help either.
I came home and twittered about Ignacio Rivera and put up a facebook post. it didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel worse.
I've been trying to come to terms with who I am and where I am going. It just feels so hopeless. I know I am making great strides. But it feels like I am hitting my head against the wall getting nothing accomplished and going nowhere and there is no manageable end in sight. I feel abandoned in the world. I feel like no one wants me for who I am and not just the person on the surface. Ignacio Rivera visiting Wooster, combined with knowing that PIRG started a chapter at Wooster symbolizes for me the person that I have grown into here and the person that I was there but have lost being out here. Its a reaffirmation of myself at the place that I found myself doing the things I love there too and a viable future to be proud of, DENIED. Its like a slap in the face and then being mocked and laughed at just to rub it in.
I know that a lot of what I had at Wooster was an illusion. But that doesn't help make reality any less harsh. Trouble is, I don't know what i am looking for. Only what I am not.