Monday, June 14, 2010

Guilt (vickie- red)

So, something I don't understand. There is this huge social stigma to be "normal". Things like mental illness or anything "perceived" as mental illness (like transgenderism or being gay) automatically makes you an outcast. When something goes wrong people always blame it on the fact that you are "sick" and tell you "you need help" or "go see a therapist". So my question is, why then, if you actually do start helping yourself, why is actually getting "help" like a social taboo. Those who are "normal" treat you like shit for doing therapy and many of those who "suffer" like you, think you are betraying them. And if you actually manage to "fix" yourself, you can never really come clean about where you were and what you went through without being see as only the outcast you once were?

Why are people like that? Its a catch 22.

Last night my roommate had an emotional explosion on me. I think she was under the impression that if she left for the weekend, when she came back everything would be fine and I wouldn't be pushing her out the door. I found someone else to rent the room and I asked her to move out by friday, which is one week later than we had originally agreed on. From here, it was "why to you hate me?" and "I'll be homeless because I won't be able to find a place" and "I care about you, I'm the only one that you have" and more and when all that didn't work.... then in started the attacks. She ranted that "no one respects you... your last roommate, your ex-boyfriend, your parents, I'm the only one that cares about you!" to "you never told me you were sick in the head when you moved in!" and "I never knew that you were trans" (I put that in the craigslist ad) and "we were best friends, just yesterday, I don't understand what changed!" and more.

It definiately stung because I have heard this so many times from so many people over the years. And I always believed them, that I was a piece of shit, a lier, someone who made others miserable because of what I am/said/did, and I'm so mentally sick that I have no right to say or think the things that I want. This time was the first time I managed to separate myself from it all, take step back, and use reason. I am proud of myself. I feel I have done the right thing. I have done nothing malicious. It is not my fault that she is not willing or capable to talk rationally. Its hard because I have been in her shoes. I know very keenly how she is thinking, feeling, reacting to all this. I know her part better than mine right now. My part is living for myself. Respect for myself and others.

But I feel very keenly guilty for all the pain and misery I have caused myself and others while I suffered for so long and no one had enough compassion to help me help myself. I gently offered compassion to my roommate. I know how it feels when someone tries to force it on you. But if you don't want it, or you are not ready for it, you can't receive it.

I'm becoming a new person. Trauma Touch is helping me become the person I have always been underneath. I guess my only choice it to keep running towards freedom and remember that looking back is not part of my job description now.

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