Obama Makes June LGBT Month!! (Alex-purple)

Awesome news! Check this out....

Obama Declares June LGBT Month | News | Advocate.com

On the road to recovery (Bex-green)

I had another trauma touch therapy today. The first 1.5 hours we talked about the neurology of trauma in the brain and then I got my therapist off on a tangent on the theory of trauma in the body and how it gets "stuck" in there and how that relates to the process of releasing it. It was fun. :-)

Then we did the bodywork session. It was intense. Lots of energy. I had trouble staying present and not dissociating out of my body. I've been struggling to process the intense energy and staying present for several hours now. I have been shaking (more like a very quiet vibration) for just as long. I even start getting sharp pain sometimes and I do my little mental exercise and it goes away and my body actually feels lighter. I can feel parts of my body/skin everywhere that I never knew were numb and chronic pain in several parts is almost gone. Some of my muscles that are normally tight where they are not supposed to be and subsequently I have never experienced relaxed, are relaxed. My body is very sore. Very very sore. I'm exhausted. I hope I get a good night's rest tonight.

I am still reeling from the past few days. I feel very different now though. I really feel that I faced this huge fear and conquered it (some of it at least). For that I am very proud. I also feel that I know I can be Vickie anytime I want to.... but I don't have to if I don't want to. I have a choice now. I feel empowered. Its been a hectic and emotional week. Now for a few days of recovery and some apple pie and BBQ and maybe a Padres game too. Thank you everyone whom have been so amazingly supportive this week! I don't know what I would have done without you. I feel so loved. :-)

Dreaming Big (Vickie- red)

I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking of all these long monologues and all these amazing topics to write or speak about; everything to Lost!, how does that make sense?!?! to levels emotional and trauma release to how trauma changes our genome. But nothing feels right, to talk about yet at least. There are holes missing in my theories.

I've been scheming up a business plan for the past 6 weeks. I've only told a few people and everyone is absolutely thrilled to get involved. I have a lot of goals and dreams. I want to help myself. I want to dream big and learn what I am passionate about. I want to help people. I want to edify people. And I want to teach people to help themselves. When I am done at massage school, I eventually want to get a masters in genomics. Doing massage is mostly a way that I can pay my way through college. But it is also the yang to my yin. I LOVE "holistic medicine" but I am a die-hard believer in "mainstream" medicine too. Massage and genomics are my two counter weights. So, ultimately I want to open a bodywork clinic that brings the two together (mainstream medicine and holistic health) and also integrates trauma resolution into the mix.

The question is, how do you do something that society has been fighting against for 100 years, AND be successful?

I think I can do it. In fact I know I can. I really think that something like this is what I'm meant to do. To my delight, yesterday I learned that the dean of my program is starting a new course in "medical massage".... to do just that, integrate massage and holistic health into mainstream medicine. She is pioneering a program, the first in the nation.

I also came to a very interesting realization last night. I had a terrible time growing up, but what got me through was thinking that I was being tested and I was learning something valuable that I would need someday. I realized last night that the reason that I know I am going to be able to do this is because I've already had all (or much of at least) the experience I need to start this clinic and help others and be a pioneer in integration, AND do it while breaking every gender-social construct there is. Now that's dreaming big.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself, right?! (did I mention that I am terrified????)

more trigenders out there?! (Vickie- black)

Ok... I still don't like my trauma therapist, but I'm enjoying the program more and more.

I don't have much to say now. But I did want to mention a small bit of unbelievable news.

My therapist is trigender. omygod.

She is biologically female. Has a male and female side, as well as a "neutral" side that she describes as the "universal presence". She feels that she is "playing the part" of a female most days and has decidedly felt male at times too, but resides mostly in the "universal presence" space.

"Universal presence" or space is a great way to describe it! That is in a way, how I feel about my third gender as well. She doesn't seem to feel the need to match her body to her genders. As time goes on, I am meeting more and more people who feel that way too. Few people with multiple genders seem to feel that need to match their bodies to their genders. They find a way to accept the body they are born in. I totally respect that.

Its just not for me.

The Anti-Trauma Touch (Vickie- orange)

Massage class did NOT go well today. Apparently the basic tenets of Trauma Touch are relatively universal. Mueller College has its own version, and that was the topic of today's class! Once you start moving around the energy, it's like taking the stopper out from a bottle. But, you can't put it back in. Several of my classmates even came up to me and said that my energy field was all over the place. I guess that would explain why I am still feeling the effects of Friday's session. Today, the crick in my neck that I've had for years just went away. I had been convinced that I needed a chiropractic adjustment.

Today was supposed to be a lecture class. But instead it was only half lecture. My teacher taught us some of the basic techniques that are used by trauma touch.... but not how to use them. I refused to receive or give the methods, but I watched. Most of the students didn't get it. They used the techniques in a way that facilitated massage work, but not energy work. Some did get it, but obviously didn't know what they were doing so they managed to release energy from epicenters of trauma but not control the energy in a way that wouldn't cause damage (because the energy lodged itself somewhere else instead of release it). Others knew quite a bit about energy work and ended up hurting those on the tables so bad that they were in quite a bit of pain. My professor and TA went around the room doing the techniques too. I was appalled that my professor would do them, but in a way that completely violated the person on the table and their boundaries. She would release epicenters that were "central sites" so to speak. Places that had old trauma that were interwoven with many other parts of the body. She retraumatized one of the students so bad that I had to talk her through what had happened because she was completely overwhelmed and disoriented. It took 45 minutes. We had been talking about trauma and trauma touch extensively over the past few weeks and we have both been talking about getting certified in Trauma Touch.

I talked to the TA after class. She had no concept of what I was talking about how using these tools can be dangerous. She kept insisting that this was not Trauma Touch. I know it is not, but it is using similar if not the same methods and is still releasing the same energy and trauma, only without guidance and safety measures. I was concerned that several of my classmates were now in very real physical pain interfering in the ability to walk or rotate their necks, retraumatized, dissociated, disoriented, or had released something that may trigger them in the next class. Many of these students will probably not say anything either because no one seems to know what the signs and contradictions are for manipulating the body in such a way! Its like being an unlicensed massage therapist. Overall, the techniques and general knowledge of massage will produce a really good massage. But the inexperienced masseuse will miss the signs that something is wrong and could very well end up hurting the client by massaging the wrong area in the wrong way. The inexperienced person releasing trauma somatically will likely release a great deal of trauma in the average person, but someone that has a much more serious or delicate issue will end up hurt worse. Releasing trauma the WRONG way can cause flashbacks, dissociation, disorientation, out of body experiences, being stuck out of body, severe anxiety even panic attacks, new traumas that can be triggered, higher sensitivity to existing trauma, concentration problems, insomnia, pain in other parts of the body including severe headaches, malfunction of certain body parts and organs and systems, and more.

Even worse, the way that Mueller customizing releases trauma is designed is an incomplete process. For a complex epicenter that has connections to other parts of the body, the Mueller method can leave trauma from that epicenter scattered throughout the body making any place that is already a trauma epicenter or is structurally weak a place for it to settle, potentially causing havoc. That is what happened to my classmate. That energy from the released epicenter now makes all those locations worse (pain, malfunction, higher sensitivity to the existing trauma, etc), plus putting the client at risk for all the other bad things I already just mentioned!

I'm more convinced that ever that I need to get this certification. But after this experience, I don't know if I am going to be able to finish this class. I dissociated just from watching. How am I going to handle being naked and someone massaging inside my thighs and my butt at my next class? I can't drop it and take it again for financial reasons, but also because I'm too far in. It's also 101. I can't go on with any of my courses without it.

Dealing with a identity crisis/meltdown and an panic attack ridden introduction to massage class that if I don't finish I might as well not be in massage school situation are two HUGE issues that seem like it is too much. Tomorrow is DBT which always seems to destabilize me a bit more (just what I need, great) and a 3 hour lecture on human reproductive systems in which my teacher has a tendency of going off topic to related topics that have something to do with a student in the class. The last thing I need is 1/3 of tomorrows lecture somehow revolving around sex changes.

Just because I'm stressed, every little thing now puts me over the edge. Like I lost a classmates thumb drive tonight in class and the fact that I'm stressed is stressing me out which is stressing me that I will have bad insomnia tonight which stresses me out that I won't get enough sleep to handle DBT and my reproductive class and my ongoing identity meltdown and trying to contact the head of the holistic health department to figure out a solution to not dropping my massage 101 class. I want to cry. I guess in the end I can only conclude that at least by seeing trauma therapy the WRONG way, I more fully understand why what I am doing must be the right way. Thats because until tonight, Trauma Touch was just a relatively random set of rules and methods that made no sense to me, not to mention "probably just one of many ways to do this". I don't believe that anymore. After seeing how releasing trauma by holding the body can create a very real effect and cause people such pain and disorientation and harm, I'm convinced that there is something much deeper to all this that is calling for a pioneer in the field. There has to be a biological response that can be measured and published. Just imagine me.... 100 years from now my name will be in textbooks. :-) I have a challenge.... ok, ready, set GO!

Trauma Therapy! (Bex- white/black)

I had my first Trauma Touch session Friday! It was only supposed to be an hour, but we spend 2.5 hours working.

First, let me tell every person that has ever suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and trauma, there is hope! TTT is not right for everyone. Its right for chronic anxiety and old trauma. The deeper I dig into this new study of trauma, the more fascinating it becomes. I have come to realize that the other Trauma therapy programs I have been through deal with mostly NEW trauma and the anxiety and panic that comes from them. I am truly amazed at how our bodies work.

Our bodies and our minds are intricately connected. In every culture, mind and body are not a separate concept. This includes traditional Western culture (Greeks, Romans). Physically, our brains connect to neurons that connect and interact directly with nearly every cell in the body. What is not physically connected to the brain is washed with a bath of chemicals called Hormones which tell cells what to do just like nerves. The hormones are ultimately controlled by the brain as well from a tiny "main control center" in the center of the brain. Every medicinal culture also recognizes "energy" pathways or mixtures. These energies overlay every part of the physical body and balance the mind, body, and spirit. They have names that range from but are not limited to meridians (Asian), yin/yang (Asian), chakras (Ayruvedic), humors (Greek), Heraclitus theory of opposites (Greek), and elements (Greek). **** Note: Greece was a collection of City-States, not one culture****

During the Renaissance, as the West emerged from the Dark Ages, science started to blossom. The Church struggled with science because it undermined it's teachings. Many, such as Galileo were Excommunicated and/or killed. The Inquisition eventually came after a French philosopher named Renee Descartes. As self-defense in order to not be killed, he proposed to the Church that the Mind (and Spirit) were separate from the Body. He argued that since the spirit/mind cannot be measured it belonged to the jurisdiction of the Church. Since the body can be measured, and science deals with that which can be measured, it belonged to the jurisdiction of science. The Church accepted this theory resulting in the evasion of the collapse of science during the Renaissance, a lessening of pressure from the Inquisition for heresy (and fewer deaths of scientists!), creation of secular vs spiritual world, and the end of thousands of years of holistic thought.

The last 30 years has seen a trend in the reversal of the separation of body vs mind/spirit in the West. Trauma resolution is just one field that is being changed. New trauma resolution therapies are working with a complex combination of energy work, traditional psychotherapy (or talk therapy) tools, and the physical body, manipulating nerves and other tissues.

Unfortunately in the USA, you can only have a licence to "touch" or to "talk" when you are a therapist. Massage Therapists, Holistic Health Practitioners, and other bodyworkers (Acupuncturists, Acupressurists, Chiropractors, etc) have a licence to TOUCH. Psychiatrist, Psychologists, Hypnotherapists, life coaches, etc have a licence to TALK. Therefore, when dealing with trauma, it is important to work with TWO therapists. One that works with the body and energy. The other that uses talk therapy and/or group therapy. One without the other creates imbalance in the healing process.

These are some of the top programs:

- Peter A. Levine's "Waking the Tiger" and "Healing Trauma" (good for recent trauma, ie: car accident, highly emotional incident)

- Jon Kabat-Zinn Mindfulness Meditation Program found in several of his books (combination of meditation, mindfulness, and guided imagery)

- David Berceli's "TRE: Trauma Releasing Exercises" (no NOT do this program alone!!!! You must work through it with a qualified therapist otherwise you can seriously hurt or retraumatize yourself!)

- Trauma Touch Therapy (Energy work and body-mind integration program facilitated by bodywork specialists---- only 192 in the world!)

Trauma Touch is, as I said, a program that grew out of the massage therapy modality. It does not, however, use what is traditionally thought of as massage. Rather it uses a technique often lumped in with the Swedish Massage techniques called Stationary Pressure. Stationary pressure is a variety of touch and energy manipulations such as reiki, holding the place/body part, working with energetic fields, identifying epi-centers of trauma (via heat, sensations, pain, etc coming from a particular part of the body), acupressure and more.

New trauma theory relies heavily on the fact that the body "holds" emotion, memories, sensations, and much of what is traditionally thought to be stored in the brain. These are all interwoven into the muscle fibers, nerves, and tissue of the entire body, and actually can in some cases change the way our DNA is interacting and directing a cell to function. If all the cells in a tissue are changed that way, the entire tissue or organ could start functioning differently. Hence, the beginning of disease and illness manifesting in the body because of a mental/emotional "thought".

Unlike traditional energy work (Acupuncture, Reiki, Ayruvedic theory, etc), Trauma Touch doesn't just break blockages or move energy, it somehow gets into the root of the problem. It works with the physical body and its energy flow to "uncoil" the changes that have been made in the DNA, tissues, and energy flow via Stationary Pressure techniques. TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) work in a similar manner, excepting the theory holds that you can uncoil the trauma by "shaking" out the trauma, much like an antelope shakes after being run down by a predator and manages to escape. TRE works and I have used this uncoiling theory, despite not believing it. While TRE and TTT both require working with a bodyworker and you can not do it yourself and both rely on the body's innate intelligence, letting the body do the work at the pace that it wants and where it wants, there are major differences between TRE and TTT. One, with TRE you run a bigger risk of retraumatizing yourself because trauma can release too fast in too many places of the body at once, therefore overwhelming your system. The process of shaking can be very scary as well. You can do this program every day and get rid all the trauma in a relatively short time. What kept me going back to it, despite how overwhelming and scary it could be is that I was actually reversing trauma and was having major emotional releases. TTT releases trauma too and has major emotional releases, but in a more point specific/target oriented manner and does not involve shaking like a leaf on a stormy autumn day. The uncoiling effect is a bit slower but deeper. So even though the Trauma Touch therapist was working on my knee and ankle for only 15 minutes, and I felt significant changes in my leg (I got back sensation in my foot that is didn't know I lost, my back pain got better, and I regained sensation in my leg that I haven't had for years) over the next 3 days, those changes had a rippling effect through my body (in my thigh, my back, my leg, even in my thoughts). I guess it all boils down to a classic quantity (all over the body) or quality (one specific area at a time).

Neanderthal Autistic Transsexuals (Bex-Orange)

I am totally going to geek out right now..... I found the awesomest blog EVER (in my opinion)!

When I was in collage I was studying biochemistry and molecular biology hoping to concentrate in psychological genomics and potential pharmacological interactions with the genomics of the physco-somatic system once I made it to grad school. (In English... I want to study DNA and genes and how they interact and dictate our actions and the creation/functioning of our physical bodies. Specifically I want to work with the brain and the connection the brain has with the body. I am especially interested as an extension of that study, how drugs can interact with our genes & DNA to create changes in our thinking/feeling and the physical structure & functioning of the brain and brain-body connection) Shortly before I dropped out I was in an into to genetics & genomics class. We learned that there was a team of scientists at the time (2007) reconstructing Neanderthal DNA in Europe and hoping to cross reference Neanderthal DNA with modern humans. Their hypothesis is that Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons (modern humans) interbred and certain traits such as red hair come from them and is not inherent in our species.

What makes me excited is more than just the "detailed" genetic description of the results of the study, but also the fact that I have been intensely interested in Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon interactions. This led me to read a lot about it and even live in Europe for a year where I worked with a mentor to learn about the history of humanity in the region. (He even taught me how to date something back to the early stone age, blindfolded and only by the feel of it in my hands!)

Now something that has fascinated me lately is autism. There is this amazing woman named Temple Grandin who has been publishing books about being Autistic. She makes a case that autism is not a disorder but simply a different way to functioning. Not a malfunction, but an adaption! This blog entry jumps into this very theory while also suggesting a correlation with Autism and the percentage of Neanderthal DNA in the general populace in different regions of the world.

Then she jumps into how Autism is most prevalent in males, and there is a significant subset of transsexual women. In her entry (and several others), she goes into detail how the make up/functioning of the brain is very different depending on whether you are male bodied or female bodied, and your attraction to males or females. I don't fully understand it yet because I didn't have time to get through it (it has a LOT of complicated detail). What I did pull from it is something about cross gender identity which starts to explain how transgender brains work and respond/interact with the world around them. Apparently transsexualism, however, is not strongly correlated to Neanderthal global DNA distribution, even via the Autism link.

Anyway.... I look forward to reading into more detail about the static nature nature of sexual orientation in the brain and its complete lack of corrolation to gender identity. I'm sure that there is a bunch more interesting stuff on the blog. I put a link on the right hand side in my links section. Its A.E. Brain. Enjoy!

Google Search! (Bex- Yellow)

If you google "trigender", my blog pops up at the top of the 3rd page. cool! I am constantly surprised by how much content is getting added to the web, month after month. I regularly do a google search for bigender, trigender, and gender fluid every 6 months or so. There is always something new!

I'm getting anxious to get my binding equipment. My problem is not money (for once) but the fact that I need someone to measure me. And NO ONE is willing to do so, except one friend who worked at Victoria Secret but is now working the ridiculous hours doing my job that I was forced to resign from in December. I find it amazing that there are other people out there that are multigendered and fluid gender, but it seems the vast majority are either complaining about not knowing what is going on online or out living in the world fulling capable of transitioning between their genders. What about people like me who are somewhere in between?

Last monday I FINALLY got a therapist. After the last one which turned into a fiasco (she thought I had Multiple Personality Disorder, and she worked for the LGBT center!) I am thrilled by the fact that this one thinks my color and name scheme is "brilliant". It might be too soon to tell, but she seems totally beyond skepticism and into wanting to know what it is in the nitty gritty. i guess I couldn't ask for more! I guess patience (7 months wait!) only breeds good luck.

Tomorrow, I am starting Trauma Touch Therapy. I am nervous. But curious. I can't believe that there might be a possibility that I could be FREE of this anxiety and panic attacks and triggers. I could be ME without the added baggage. Personally, I think I already have a lot to bear. I don't need this.

Blood in my Ear (Vickie- red)

Its already been a long week. I've been fighting a lot. Actually, fighting just about everything. Its not just fighting this god-damn infection, but fighting the pharmacist/pharmacy, fighting to get sleep, fighting to get food in me, but also just wanting to fight everyone else too.

Somethings I kinda gave up on. Somethings I can't, even if I want to. Do you think I want to be a control freak about gluten in my kitchen? No. Perhaps I should look at it all as a "choose your battle" kind of thing. I kinda gave up in general this morning after I woke up with BLOOD coming out of my left ear. I was trying to get ready in less than 20 min to get to my DBT group. I used to be certified in CPR and as a First Responder. And the first thing that comes to mind when there is blood coming out of ears is.... don't panic; something is seriously wrong! So, i called up the clinic that I went to on Saturday and was told to come by as a "walk-in". Turns out I have a cut in my ear canal wall. Nothing serious. But when I got home and thought about it, and actually thought about how I wasn't really thinking about it, and how I had gone through most of the day doing other tasks, I started wondering, since when does blood coming out of my ears constitute, "just another day"? Is my life really that crazy? Or do I make everything around me a bigger deal so that when something serious really does happen then it doesn't feel like that much of a stressor?

Life goes on. I feel like I've been turning over a new leaf. A lot of my time lately has been spent reprocessing the events of the last few months and trying to put them in context with my life, instead of the context of "survival mode". I'm climbing out of something and seeing a new side of me. I'm also seeing glimpses of who I was and who I wanted to be when I was in High School. Those dreams and goals and pieces of personality are coming back. Its like I'm coming out of some sort of hole that I've been hiding in since 11th grade. I guess I shouldn't ask, why now? The body and mind process things and protect themselves from things at their own speed and will.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something. Friday I am starting a new therapy called Trauma Touch. Its a new therapy program that has evolved out of massage therapy and emerging psychological theory (over the past 30 years.... but just now entering into the therapist toolbox) on the lasting impact of trauma in the bodies of mammals & humans. I've worked with the theory before and have had success with it that I didn't think was possible. From what I understand of it and experienced of of the theory, plus a massage-esque protocol, Trauma Touch Therapy probably has the potential to CURE someone from PTSD. Comparing my systemic infection allegorically with what trauma/anxiety can do to someone, its quite amazing to imagine what kind of person would "blossom" out from underneath the weight of it all.

For example: if you have a systemic infection, not only do you have a very large and body-wide infection but it also compromises your immune system. Therefore not only do you run out of energy quickly trying to fight it, but infections in almost every other organ and cavity in your body spring up. If you get a cut, it doesn't heal. If you get a sinus infection... it doesn't go away. You get an infection in you gut, you don't absorb food & nutrients. So on, and so forth. If you have serious anxiety (and Panic Attacks), it permeates your body and suppresses your ability to deal with normal stress. Suddenly, you get debilitating stress about multiple things in your life. You are now overly stressed about work and don't want to go, you are afraid to sleep, you are anxious about walking down the street. You are to overwhelmed to pursue an opportunity that would have led you to fulfilling your goals or dreams. You get rid of the systemic infection, your body can heal itself of the other smaller, minor infections. You get rid of the Panic attacks and general anxiety, you now have the resources to deal with normal stress, anxiety and fear. You become freer to be the person you are and not bogged down with extra challenges and weights.

So my goals for May:

- rid of the yeast infection

- learn how to bake (gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free) yeast-free bread (to prevent reinfection)

- learn how to make easy & nutrient dense smoothies (to help with fighting the smaller infections)

- start going to Trauma Touch Therapy

- start working with a talk therapist (to help process the trauma that comes up in TTT, the heightened stress from everything else, and transitioning from that Panic Attack/generalized anxiety place through the heightened stress around everything else, to something more normal)

- continue DBT group (We are working on Mindfulness & Emotion Regulation this month)

- exercise & yoga (to help deal with stress)

Today has been a good day though, despite. Its the little things in life that matter! Tonight in Anatomy class we will be discussing the Endocrine system (the hormones). Which, is my FAVORITE body system! (Whatever... I know I am geeking out, but I like the topic! I even signed up for pathology as my next science course next quarter!) I also had to go downtown to a pharmacy to get my prescription. The clinic was in the middle of where a lot of the Mexicans live. Being Cinco de Mayo today, I treated myself to an authentic Carne Asada Taco. It totally made my day! YAY! I'm also very much enjoying being 100% female gendered and bodied and people seeing me as female over the last 2 days. There is SO much stress when you are not the same gender as your body. Ugh! Its a welcome respite.

At the Pharmacy (Vickie- purple)

*** At the Pharmacy***

Pharmacist: Do you have any allergies?

Me: I have severe allergies to Gluten, Dairy, & Soy. I will go unconscious if contaminated.

Pharm: Oh! Our Pharmacy Manager has Celiac Disease. We know all about it. She knows about that kind of stuff.

Me: Awesome!

***30 min later while reading ingredients in my medicine, at home***

Me: WTF! This is dairy AND gluten in it! (go back to store)

Me: This has dairy in it and corn starch that has contaminated with gluten.

Pharm: How do you know that?

Me: I read the ingredients list. Do you have other brands of this?

Pharm: I don't know. Let me check.

Me: Great. I have a list of the ones that are gluten free but I need the ingredients lists to check for dairy. Can I read the ingredients lists?

Pharm: Where do you find those?

Me: On the slips that come with the medications.

Pharm: Oh. We throw those away.

Me: You throw them away?!?!? How do you normally check for allergies for your customers!?!? Dairy is not an uncommon allergy!

Pharm: I don't know. *After a couple moments pause* Have you taken this before? Perhaps you should go to your other pharmacist and get the barcode number of the specific brand that is safe for you and bring it back to us.

Me:*confused look* Uhhh.... By law you are required to keep the slips with the ingredients list. I'm sure that I am not the only customer with allergies. How do you normally cross-reference allergens? I need this medication.

Pharm: *blank face* You could....

Me: This is your responsibility to cross-reference the drugs for allergens. Not mine. By law, it is YOUR responsibility.

Pharm: *blank face* ok. but .... do they even make tablets without lactose?

Me: Yea. (I'm losing my patience by now) I've taken this before. I can take my business elsewhere if you cant figure this out. I need my Prescription from my doctor back.

Pharm: ok....... let me try. But I don't know how to get the ingredients list.

Me: *sigh* Every brand name is required to list the ingredients online on their website. You can also call the manufacturer. It's really quite easy.

Pharm: ok.... let me see if I can find the ingredients lists that we threw away.

Oh my fucking God. Sad thing is.... this was the most productive conversation I've had with my local pharmacists about gluten and dairy. This is just a typical pharmacy visit. Usually its along the lines of.... "I read the allergen statement and it didn't say anything about gluten". Uhhh.... yea, remember how I caused a big scene when I dropped my prescription off about how gluten is not a required posted allergen by the FDA and you have to CALL THE MANUFACTURER to verify the gluten free status? OR.... "I read the allergen statement and read the ingredients list. It has XYZ but most people don't react to that when they have a dairy or soy allergy". Yea.... but I DO! I can't take this medication. "But, most people are fine. Are you sure?" YES I'M FUCKING SURE THAT I GET VERY VERY SICK WHEN I INGEST ANYTHING WITH THAT INGREDIENT!

My two favorites are when they don't believe me that the FDA requires allergens to be tracked on drugs and food. The other is when they have never heard of gluten or celiac disease and think i'm referring to glucose and might be diabetic. ummmm...... up to 1/3 of all humans are intolerant of gluten, which is a PROTEIN in GRAINS! Celiac Disease is more common than Autism. AND HOW DID YOU GRADUATE FROM PHARMACOLOGY SCHOOL WITHOUT KNOWING ANY OF THIS!?!?

Living for ME (Vicki- purple)

Adam came by today. I knew he was stopping by and I didn't sleep at all last night because I was all tied up in knots in anxiety. He came by to drop off some of my stuff he had. It was short. A few hollow smiles and well wishes and it was over. He went off in a rush cuz he is driving to Santa Cruz tonight for the summer. I realized that none of this mattered anymore when it didn't bother me (more like punch me in gut) like something like this normally would.

During all of this I am making almond milk for my breakfast cereal and trying to dehydrate the left over almond pieces (without a proper dehydrator) to make almond meal/flour for a strawberry-almond muffin recipe I found. My roommate is in Baltimore for the weekend so I was feeling a bit lonely. I thought about how I have been making a few friends at school (so awesome!.... something so difficult for me because of the bipolar and the abuse). Then, "viva la vida" by cold play came on the radio. I smiled. I guess I had never really listened to the words before. It made me realize how I had lost so much last December but how far I've come and I'm a different person. I realized that I didn't need Adam. I realized that I have let him go A LOT in the past 2 weeks. Even when he put me down on the phone yesterday, twice, it didn't bother me as much. I just didn't care. Sure, it hurt, but I realized I'm not so attached anymore.

And then I smiled and realized that I am happy with my life. Most importantly, I'm HAPPY.

A lot of things really really suck right now. But overall.... I am living my life for ME! Me, no one else. Thats an amazing feeling when you have never done that before. And really, does anything else really matter?

HAIRCUT! (Alex- blue)

So, i finally got my hair cut the other day. I wanted something that would look good as Vickie and Alex. I've been researching mens haircuts for a few months and debating. But then I noticed a style very similar to what I was looking for on a female high school classmate of mine. She was always somewhat of a role model for me growing up. Later, after we graduated I found out she was bi-sexual as well. Well.... now she's got a hair cut that looks FUCKING AWESOME on her.... but is almost identical to the male haircut that I've been thinking about. SWEET!

Fortunately, my classmate has a similar body build as I, so I figured it would work for me too. Got my hair cut and now I am thrilled. I have been frequently been breaking out in giggles because it is fun to play with. I can gel it into all sorts of styles. Flat like Rhianna, a faux-haux, spiky flat top, swirled. And, it makes me feel more confident as a male and want to get a wig for my female side. I have never felt this confident as Alex before (nor happy). Its like an identity verification. What HAS been pissing me off is that since I don't have the materials to bind my chest, unfortunately I fear people will think of me as a butch lesbian which is NO WHERE near the truth. *sigh* One thing at a time and no reason to spoil the fun, right! I have a little victory, it seems (or feels like).

An interesting thing I noticed is that getting my hair cut like this brought up an old memory. I often say that my first memories of knowing I was a boy in a female body was at my house in Lima, NY. But this memory hails from Niagara Falls, where I lived until I was 5. When i was 4-ish, I saw a guy with a mohawk. I thought it was cool. So during "nap-time" I cut all my hair off the sides. In my mind, I was doing it because I wanted to emulate something that was gender appropriate, not just because it was cool. NOTHING I said to my mother make sense to her when I tried to explain. She didn't understand. I liked my hair short. I think this is my first honest memory of knowing my gender didn't match my body. I hated it long, even when she made me grow it out, curling it under with irons every morning before school.

Apart from a fear of being burned by the irons a few times, I hated being feminine, even as a child. When I was in second grade my grandparents and parents re-did my room as a "surprise". The redid it in pink and white with lace, complete with a 4 post-canopy bed. Vickie, I'm sure was thrilled, but for the most part I hated my room so completely that I wouldn't use it any more except when I had to go to sleep. Even then, I never slept well in the room. It felt like an utter violation and I started having terrible nightmares (I'm sure influenced by the molestation as well)and started sleep-walking. Once I was a teenager, often times my room was the only safe haven from emotional and physical abuse in the house. Literally, I think it was me taking "refuge" in a stereotype (being a girl) that I didn't want but had to play. Certainly, psychologically I was that way too as well because I would wear makeup and dresses to avoid lectures and screaming at me. But, it all just made the scar that much deeper because I was stuffing the pain down. Honestly though, I had more immediate issues (rape, abuse, being sick from gluten, etc) that had to take priority, unfortunately, for immediate survival.

Its funny how trying to being yourself can be such a difficult process. YAY haircuts!

Jazz (Alex- blue)

Jazz was born into a male body and her parents have been supportive of her transition pre-puberty. Jazz has had a lot of media attention over the past few years and she and her family has become a role-model for American families. This is short, sweet, and to the point. Enjoy. :-)

Page Updates! (Alex- black/white)

Page Updates! My blog may look a bit different to everyone. I was contemplating a different color scheme and having three columns, but in the end I didn't trust my Html skills enough to risk loosing all of my content (5 years worth, whoooo!).

I'm adding a few things instead and taking a few things out from the right hand column. I am a voracious blog reader, so I've listed my top favorites from the categories that my blog focuses on a bit further down on the right. I also want to give a heads up that within the next few weeks (or months) I will also be starting some light Gluten Free blogging. I haven't decided whether I should do that here, or revive my second blog (most likely the later).

So, I hope you enjoy the small changes. :-)

I also just discovered I can take pretty darn good pictures and video on my camera and send them online or email them from my phone. So expect some regular photography again like I used to!

Distress Tolerance (Vickie- purple)

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about coping strategies lately. i'm sorry that this post is kind of long. Its actually 3 posts that I've been trying to compose in my head for a few weeks.

The past week I have been trying to observe all the little things I do and the big ones too. Its funny how we don't always do what is good for us. This Distress Tolerance program that I went through in DBT has really gotten me thinking. There are two parts to Distress Tolerance. First, Crisis Survival. Second, Acceptance. I've been disturbed to find that the further we have gotten into the program, the more I've realized my coping skills are unhealthy and preventing me from healthy coping mechanisms.

The basic outline is

Crisis Survival

- Distracting mechanisms

- Self-soothing mechanisms

- Improving the moment

- Pros & cons

Acceptance

- Breathing exercises

- Half-Smiling

- Awareness

- Radical Acceptance

- Turning the Mind

- Willingness vs Willfullness

I am pretty good at distracting myself, first of all, in my opinion. At least for better or for worse. Here is the distracting skills when dealing with a "crisis" (or anything that goes wrong)

Distracting

Activities - hobbies, cleaning, events, ppl, chores, games, go outside, exercise

Thoughts – count, watch something (out window, TV), puzzles, read

Contributions - to someone, volunteer work, surprises, thoughtful things

Comparisons – soap operas, biographies, disasters & suffering, relate to others

Emotions – create different emotions w/stories, old letters, movies, music

Pushing Away – leave situation, block it out, censor ruminating, put away temp

Sensations – hold ice, hot shower, loud music, sex, strong smells, touch things

In an extreme form distraction can be abused to become a form of denial or the starting point of many addictions to deal with unsettling feelings. Beyond distracting mechanisms, "self soothing mechanisms" help bring you back to reality after you have distracted yourself from the initial unsettling event. Using these "self soothing" mechanisms help you reconnect with reality so that you can move on into the next stage of coping. If you don't, your body is forced to express your emotions with your body. This usually means that something malfunctions (digestion--> diarrhea) or starts to hurt (headache) or you become vulnerable to subconsciously hurting yourself (run into a table, twist an ankle, not being as careful to screen allergens in food, etc) or worse, permanent damage/malfunctions of the body or disease because some people are chronic "stuffers", always "stuffing" their emotions down to deal with something. Usually, it is easier to see someone else doing this then realizing you are doing this yourself.

As I have been exploring these coping strategies, it has been overwhelming to see how things in my life have been redefined and I understand why people do the things they do. For example, when my recent boyfriend was upset he would distract himself by working. He loved his work and I loved the fact that he loved his work. I even didn't mind him working long hours for the cause because I believed in the work that he was doing. What was disturbing (and he couldn't see this) was that he would work well beyond his limits as a way to distract himself form something that upset him. Even worse, overworking himself and constantly "stuffing" and distracting himself led him to subconsciously punish himself when he felt guilty, for example, and vulnerable to hurting himself (ie: accident prone or purposely eating things that would make him sick). He couldn't stop working, even when he recognized that he was doing this and wanted to stop. Often I couldn't tell the difference between him just working hard and abusing himself until he was already out of touch with reality and his body.

One of the most difficult things I have been dealing with the last few weeks is realizing that I was enabling him to be this way. I was co-dependent. He was vulnerable when he was like this and he would need me to take care of him because the "distraction" and "stuffing down" of his emotions would make his body finally translate those emotions into getting very sick. This Distress Tolerance program has made me understand why he was doing what he was doing, and also helping me understand how I was dealing with it. I know that I too don't cope well and I react in similar ways to Adam, but with different methods and results, which is part of the journey of healing: learning about yourself. My way of dealing/coping was to spiral out of control with my own ways of denial, stuffing, and addictions.

Not only that though, I realized that I have a history of this with past relationships, but in different manifestations. And even further, I realized that I learned how to be this way from my family. I had my place in my family that made me both witness to co-dependence, a co-dependent myself, and extremely vulnerable to becoming the dependent individual. I know this because I learned that being sick gives a person the "right" for attention and to expect others will make everything better for you.

Two and half years ago I moved to San Diego because I was so sick that I couldn't go to school anymore. I began my healing journey and have put everything second to health (and often sacrificing a lot). The past 2 years I have been focusing mostly on the second stage, "self-soothing".

Self Soothing

Vision – flowers, candles/flame, decorations, art, nature, stars, museums, downtown, pictures, dance performance

Hearing – music, sounds of nature, sing or play instrument

Smell – perfume/lotion, spray fragrance, aromatherapy, clean sheets or bathroom, potpourri, flowers, bake or cook, nature

Taste – good meal, tea/hot chocolate, dessert, candy, new spices

Touch- bubble bath, clean sheets, pets, massage, lotions, hot/cold, comfortable chairs, unique clothing & accessories, head/hair, hugs

Like I said before, self-soothing is in essence, using your senses to reconnect to your body so that you can move on to the next stages of coping (ie: surviving the "crisis" and accepting it). I started pulling myself out of the deep depression and sickness in my body when I moved to San Diego by seeing a therapist specializing in "complimentary therapy" which means mostly taking advantage of mind-body connections in therapy instead of just talking. I started using music therapy on my own to supplement and to start the process of reconnecting to my body (My body actually was numb and I had lost feeling in parts of it. It was the way my body was dealing with "stuffed" emotions.). Via exploring music therapy, I found that different types of western music induced different changes within the body. I came to this conclusion after working my way through the lecture series of Robert Greenberg from the Teaching Company (http://www.teach12.com/ttcx/CourseDescLong2.aspx?cid=700) and reading the Mozart Effect by Don Campbell (http://www.amazon.com/Mozart-Effect-Tapping-Strengthen-Creative/dp/0340824379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271973168&sr=1-1). I now know its all music, but I'll focus on a few examples. I also know that signing actually produces what is equivalent to an "internal massage" to your body that is helpful, but that is too much to talk about now.

What amazed me what that the evolution of music over the last 1000 years in Europe, roughly followed the same process that a person goes through in growing up, or being "reborn" through an awakening of consciousness (via trauma, religion, etc. ) I learned that Plainchant, popularly known as Gregorian chant, is the primary and nearly the only form of music during the Middle Ages. Its is known for fostering rhythms of natural breathing, relaxation, and induces spaciousness. It is good for quiet study and meditation and will reduce stress. Most importantly, it can create a "sanctuary" of sorts acoustically and a safe space for those in a panic attack or experiencing fear to find a safe space to calm down. It is the time when someone is in their distraction/denial/addiction stage OR quiet growth stage before exploring emotions, like a child before puberty.

After the Middle Ages, the Renaissance created new music unlike anything that had ever been produced in Europe before. Music (and all culture at this time) was starting to explore the boundaries for what is possible and experimenting with expressing emotion. Renaissance music is still quite structured like that of the Middle Ages, but it can be seen as a safety net, or framework in which these emotions could be explored in. This genre is wonderful for individuals recovering from trauma or any negative experience because it creates a safe environment to come out of the "sanctuary" and explore emotion. This type of music is also useful in contemplation.

I found myself going back and forth between these two genres often. I started adding in aromatherapy; using different sents to support or soothe, stimulate and calm. Then I started explore with cooking and new spices and going to art museums and taking walks in nature, thus stimulating all five senses.

Then, I found calm music over-layed with a heartbeat. This was an important turning point for me. When I was in Vienna, Austria, I visited a music museum and there was a large exhibit about the physiological effects of the womb-environment on individuals. The book the Mozart Effect also talked about how recreating the womb was sometimes be therapeutic for some people. I remembered the feeling I had in the recreated womb environment at the museum so I tried this on my own with music containing a heartbeat. I incorporated it into my "bag of tricks" I had, in conjunction with my plainchant and renaissance music. The heartbeat was extremely calming in a way that felt like a rope being thrown to me when I'm drowning in water. Today, when I use the heartbeats (I have a little machine that I can overlay heartbeats over any music now) it usually feels like a rope being thrown to me in the water when I don't need it and is in my way, but I guess that only shows how far I've come! YAY!

I've been working in more self-soothing tricks, such as yoga, acupuncture, exercise, colors, soft sheets and pillows, and meditation. These all help me connect with my body. Today, I have feeling in my body again! Not all places are 100% there, but I can now connect with my body enough to fight dissociation instead of being pulled own into a dissociated state, and thus vulnerable to re-traumatizing myself. This is huge for me!

My biggest challenge that I have started on since the beginning of the year is, and ironically, the next stage in Distress Tolerance is "Improving the Moment".

Improving the moment

Imagery – relaxing scene, secret space, alt reality, hurt draining away, protection

Meaning – find/create purpose, meaning or value, spiritualism, positive aspects

Prayer – conversation w/creator, meditate

Relaxation – massage, exercise hard, hot bath/sauna, hot milk/tea, breathe smile

1-thing in the moment – stay focused w/awareness at the task at hand

Vacation – in bed, motel room, in nature, at the park, breakfast in bed, indulge in chocolate or a magazine/newspaper, unplug phone, 1-hour break

Encouragement – cheerlead yourself

It was hard at first to realize that for many of these Improving the Moment skills, I have been dependent on Adam to do for me. It really hit me hard that not only was I co-dependent on him, but now that I am on my own, I'm recovering from co-dependency (which is nothing more than an addiction to stopping an addiction in someone you care about), my own addictions that were reactivated from trying to cope with the co-dependency, AND recovering from being dependent on Adam (him being co-dependent on me). For whatever reason, I don't know how yet, I would end up in a situation where I was trying to cope with something but I couldn't pull myself far enough into reality with my senses (and thus I would loose my connection with my body) and away from my distracting methods and Adam would talk my through or even do for me something that would improve the moment. By him doing that, I lost control of my ability to cope and was instead dependent on him to do it for me and nothing got fully resolved.

Its been exciting to explore this. A huge step is this massage school. It has opened a lot of doors for me not only professionally but in learning about myself. This blog is a HUGE part of improving the moment as well in finding meaning and cheerleading myself. I want to explore hyponotherapy/imagary, which is a new program at Mueller. And I've been practicing taking "vacations".

I don't think anyone really "masters" everything in this program. But it is a learning process and way to be a healthier person. Its been the topic on my mind for weeks, about how my coping skills are faring. Honestly, I think I have stronger skills than most of the people in my DBT group. But I constantly feel that I don't have good coping skills because I feel that if I keep using unhealthy skills it must be because I am too weak. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. All I can do, I guess, is keep being myself. Keep learning how to love myself. Yesterday I found my inspiration to get over my unhealthy coping skills.

"Love is a passion for life shared with another person. You fall in love with a person you think is wonderful. It's your deepest appreciation of the value of that individual, and that individual is a reflection of what you value most in life. When you love someone else, you love them with all the joy in your life. When you hate or despise yourself and wallow in misery, how can you love another? Love is not to be ashamed of or embarrassed. It can be one of life's greatest rewards." -Terry Goodkind.

:-( (Vickie- red)

Sorry... I don't have many words today. Saturday would have been our "2 year anniversary".

I good news is that I would never have started blogging about these things if it were for the fact that he left me because of these things. So I guess this is in part a tribute. It goes chronologically backwards.

And this is what Adam essentially said to me those last days.

My battle (Bex- yellow)

If I tried to link all the things that I have done in my life under one umbrella term.... it would be:

"saving the world"

The first thing I ever did in my life and honestly the only thing I've ever done in my life that has made me happy and I am proud of is to get out there and help people and fight for causes and ideas. I've had a terrible hole in my heart of despair since Thanksgiving last year. I thought it was losing my job, maybe losing my relationship, or getting diagnosed with a major mental illness. I've thought it was grief over the past, the things I have missed out on in life because of disease or abuse or grief over a life untangling a gender identity. I blamed it on being unemployed, the weather, deserving it maybe, being at the bottom of the social ladder, and little access to help. But its not all those things. Cuz when I went out there and volunteered doing something that I hated, I felt like the happiest person alive. When I was rejected by groups because of volunteer oversight mismanagement, I was more than just devastated.

I have this hole in my heart because I used to spend every day fighting for what I believe in. Even when I had lost hope, I still had my faith. Its the thing that has kept me alive so many times when everything otherwise said I wouldn't be.

I don't know what I believe in as well as I used to. I've never had to stop fighting before and just listen. I'm listening now! I don't want to give up fighting. Right now I'm fighting a lot; a private battle. This is my place. I need to have the patience and peace to know that I will return to the big fight someday. But this is my place now. And my blog more than ever is my battle ground where I fight for myself.

SciAm Psych (Bex- yellow)

Scientific American Mind, which is the psychology offshoot magazine from the popular Scientific American magazine found in grocery stores across america has published an ENTIRE issue on gender. There are some interesting facts on bipolar thrown in there too.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/sciammind/?2010-5

You can buy a PDF version for about 5 bucks. I highly recommend it. There is a good article on "transsexuals" which is the old school term and also still standard medical terminology for transgender. (Transgender is the more politically correct term.) I'm thrilled that the various articles back up a lot of the observations I have been making of myself and talking about here on my blog, even if the articles are not about what my blog is about directly. Happy reading!

New journey (bex-yellow)

First night of "disrobing" in massage class. Let me say two things.....

First, if you are transgender do you choose a male or female partner?

Second, if you suddenly get a flood of repressed memories and trauma memories, what do you do?

Answer: If you are transgender and have a non-gendered gender, be non-gendered and then it doesn't matter. And if you get triggered by a whole flood of new repressed memories, don't panic and run out the room with your drape (sheet) clutched to you and your backside exposed. Luckily I didn't do that. You know what I did? I used the distress tolerance exercises I learned in DBT! It helped enough that I could counteract dissociating and be calm enough to finish receiving the massage module and wait until the break to talk to the teacher. I'm not sure what is the next step, but my teacher gave me a pile of options. So I'm going to think about them over the weekend before I make a decision.

I've been working through "family of origin" and childhood events. What happened is that I started dissociating and numbing out. So I counted and concentrated on breathing and worked to stay present by noticing details around me. Then my neck tensed up, followed by my biceps, my lower back, and finally my calves. I had the sensation that I was using my right shoulder to block being hit, then my left side of my neck started hurting and I remembered getting injured there when I was beaten once. My lower back had a sharp pain, as if foot-plates were rammed into them, which quickly reminded my lower legs of the similar incidents. My left shoulder went up to protect my neck and side. Then I jumped to another sequence when my upper arms were grabbed to pull me in and down to the floor to be shaken and beaten again. My shoulders tensed up protecting me.

Flashbacks of memories and my body tensing of all these place kept happening over and over. I quickly reminded myself that this was good. I started shaking a little and I wanted to stop it but I let myself shake as quietly as I could without being noticed. Meanwhile the other students are watching demonstration while myself and the first half of the class are on the tables. I reminded myself that I still have to get through class and I can talk to the teacher later, then come home and take a shower, eat dinner, and write in my blog.

It was scary. I knew this was going to happen, but not this soon.

Do I need to reiterate again.... I need a therapist to work thru these things.

On the positive side, Obama just expanded LGBT medical rights. YAY!

Now that I'm home, I'm not as calm as I was in class. That is to be expected but I'm ok. I found out last week that my left shoulder was a trigger. Today I found out I have a trigger in my neck. I knew I was triggered on my upper arms, but i didn't know why. Now I know. When I was in the shower I was thinking about it a bit. Aneeb's favorite part of my body was my upper arms. I never understood that. I think subconsciously because of that I linked Aneeb to these painful beatings. I think this was a powerful way I somehow linked Aneeb to my mother and my family and turned major parts of our relationship into something else. When we broke up it became an emotional event WAY beyond normal for a simple relationship. It was like loosing my family a second time because the whole relationship and breakup re-triggered serious abandonment, emotional abuse and manipulation, and co-dependence issues that had gotten out of hand because of that association.

When Adam and I were together, I never ever let him touch my arms. In class, we only practiced on the left arm. My left arm is worse than the right. The strokes that we were using actually released some of the trauma. I can still feel it in my right side tho.

I'm apprehensive about this journey that I am beginning. I need it. I want it. I'm scared of it. I'm going to take the definition of journey from the hobbits.

A journey is traveling somewhere that you don't know where that somewhere is.

I can do this!

Reality (Vicki-red)

I'm having trouble letting go. Accepting reality. I feel shell-shocked. We finished the Distress Tolerance in my DBT group. I learned that I don't tolerate distress well. Do any of us?

The topic of my distress today is an old one. Wooster. I regularly get twitter updates on my phone from people and organizations. There is one person that I follow called Ignacio Rivera. He is gender fluid and multi-gendered and does presentations and performances around North America on LGBT and sex based issues. I woke up this morning to one of his tweets, announcing that he had just arrived in Wooster, OH to do a presentation and performance at the college.

Two things went through my mind. First.... I want to see Ignacio Rivera. Second.... I want to be at Woo. *sigh*

I tried to contact some of my old friends there, but none really responded to me. So I shrugged it off, and got ready for my DBT group.

At DBT we did a mindfulness exercise where we listened to a word being said and had to dwell on the word but not on the meaning of the word. If any thoughts, feelings, etc come up, we were to imagine them floating along on a conveyor belt and landing in buckets (appropriately named) located at the end of the belt. One of the words reminded me of Wooster, and I had a really hard time watching "Wooster" just float down the belt and drop off. I actually fought it. I realized then, that I have never let go. Suddenly I realized why I get so jealous of Adam at UCSD or crave to go to Mesa or SDSU. The disappointment and let down I have had from Mueller College makes sense. How leaving the PRIG's and ultimately California Solar Innovations hurt so much. My rejected attempts at participating in peer groups at my church didn't help either.

I came home and twittered about Ignacio Rivera and put up a facebook post. it didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel worse.

I've been trying to come to terms with who I am and where I am going. It just feels so hopeless. I know I am making great strides. But it feels like I am hitting my head against the wall getting nothing accomplished and going nowhere and there is no manageable end in sight. I feel abandoned in the world. I feel like no one wants me for who I am and not just the person on the surface. Ignacio Rivera visiting Wooster, combined with knowing that PIRG started a chapter at Wooster symbolizes for me the person that I have grown into here and the person that I was there but have lost being out here. Its a reaffirmation of myself at the place that I found myself doing the things I love there too and a viable future to be proud of, DENIED. Its like a slap in the face and then being mocked and laughed at just to rub it in.

I know that a lot of what I had at Wooster was an illusion. But that doesn't help make reality any less harsh. Trouble is, I don't know what i am looking for. Only what I am not.