Sunday, February 06, 2011

Loosing it again (Vickie)

I am stabilizing at about 800 calories a day and able to adequately sustain myself. But, in order to have enough brain energy to do my math homework, I need to eat more food. Unfortunately, eating more food means that my brain stops working because of the chemicals that I am now sensitive to in them. After two weeks of trying to do math review work from last semester, and miserably frustrated because I just don't understand them, I have realized that I might need to drop out of math. This makes me incredibly sad. I was so happy to finally be doing something to get back on track to finish my major. I was finally going to school, and succeeding! I'm in a scary place right now. I'm loosing feeling and sensation in my lower body again. I can't feel my feet anymore. I'm dissociated most of the day. Panic attacks. I feel lost a lot of the time. I am having a hard time determining what gender I am in, and that is causing major dysphoria. I just want to cry. The further I get down this path, the worse the chemically induced depression gets. It gets harder to search out help and advocate for myself.

Maybe if I don't go to Mesa and take these math classes, I can devote more time to building my business and being able to afford health insurance. I have another hypno appointment this week. I hope it helps. Its the only hope I have to hang on to right now.

2 comments:

Jasmine said...

I'm not sure what level math you are in, but, I'd be happy to tutor you, if you think it might help.

~Verity

Vickie/Alex said...

thanks! Unfortunately tutoring would probably not help me. Its a matter of my brain short circuiting and it can't get through the logic of math or retain information. When I am feeling well, math is very easy for me. When I'm like this, however, I have trouble multiplying single digits in my head. thanks for the offer though! :-)