Sunday, February 06, 2011

Loosing it again (Vickie)

I am stabilizing at about 800 calories a day and able to adequately sustain myself. But, in order to have enough brain energy to do my math homework, I need to eat more food. Unfortunately, eating more food means that my brain stops working because of the chemicals that I am now sensitive to in them. After two weeks of trying to do math review work from last semester, and miserably frustrated because I just don't understand them, I have realized that I might need to drop out of math. This makes me incredibly sad. I was so happy to finally be doing something to get back on track to finish my major. I was finally going to school, and succeeding! I'm in a scary place right now. I'm loosing feeling and sensation in my lower body again. I can't feel my feet anymore. I'm dissociated most of the day. Panic attacks. I feel lost a lot of the time. I am having a hard time determining what gender I am in, and that is causing major dysphoria. I just want to cry. The further I get down this path, the worse the chemically induced depression gets. It gets harder to search out help and advocate for myself.

Maybe if I don't go to Mesa and take these math classes, I can devote more time to building my business and being able to afford health insurance. I have another hypno appointment this week. I hope it helps. Its the only hope I have to hang on to right now.


Jasmine said...

I'm not sure what level math you are in, but, I'd be happy to tutor you, if you think it might help.


Vickie/Alex said...

thanks! Unfortunately tutoring would probably not help me. Its a matter of my brain short circuiting and it can't get through the logic of math or retain information. When I am feeling well, math is very easy for me. When I'm like this, however, I have trouble multiplying single digits in my head. thanks for the offer though! :-)