Sunday, March 28, 2010

No longer a concrete angel cuz I'm flying away (Bex- black/white)

I've been having a really tough time lately. I have more support with doctors and meds and therapy than most. I am extremely thankful that I get treatment at UCSD and at a clinic that is focused on serving the LGBT community, so honestly I am getting better care than 99% of Americans in my situation.

That doesn't mean I still am not struggling. I'm dealing with WAY more than any person my age should be. The only person that can pull me thru this is me. I've been really offended that the response I have gotten from my last blog has been largely negative. In that case, don't read it. If you have questions, concerns, comments, let me know! Even if it is to say, "I don't understand". Unless you people personally let me know you are reading this, I am going to keep writing whatever comes to mind as if no one is reading it. And that kind of response makes my ability to get through all this all the more difficult.

I'm sorry to see people moving on and out of my life. Some get jealous when I'm happy. Others are angry when they don't understand me. Some are interested in using me for information to hurt others. I write this blog for me, and me alone. I also write this blog to stand up as a voice of diversity.

I had a big (extended) weekend. Its the one year anniversary of a very painful series of events. In an effort to do something positive, I decided to explore some of the coastal parks near me. Staring at rock formation after rock formation that are breath taking and watching waves play over the coastline made me happy. The waves played over the rocks and stones, sand and vegetation, and tumbled over themselves. It looked as if they were living only to have fun. I realized that all that I've been through: with my parents divorce, getting sick, losing my scholarship and research at school, rebuilding my life in a new place, and then losing everything I built for myself all over again, made me forget how to have fun and enjoy life. I'm thankful that I'm experiencing this now and not when I'm older when I have so much more to loose. I'm still young. I can start again. The waves made me want to live a life that is worth living. To have fun. That life is meant to be lived only so that you can play.

So with my new insight I had my first day of school Friday evening. Then afterwards I went to "girls night" with a few friends (we have "girls nite" almost every week) and we watched Yes Man. Saturday morning I went back to Sunset Cliffs and while I had intended on finding the park and set up a blanket to read instead of exploring the coastline, I ended up in a three hour adventure that included fields of flowers (which is impressive when you live in a desert), hiking over rock formations, repelling down a cliff face to reach a beach, mini-caves, tide pools, and the feeling that I was on the TV show Lost at times with nothing but the water bottle and granola bar in my bag.

I returned home sun burnt in the shape of my sun dress and got ready to go to a country concert at Viejas Casino at one of the Indian reservations a bit inland. It brought back a lot of memories, both good and bad. Country music was one of the few things that kept me alive through High School, other than I had psychosis so bad that I was hearing voices, seeing things that weren't there, and convinced I was going to die when I was 17 in a car crash anyway. Why bother killing yourself if you know when you are gunna die and all you gotta do is wait it out, right? I'm glad I got through that despite my acting out and the lack of therapy I so desperately begged for... but I suppose its water under the bridge. Its something that I can look back and only take away the lessons I learned. One thing is for sure, I miss country music. And it makes me happy because its about emotions, hope, faith, and truth. I think I needed to let country go for a while to discover some things for myself. I also needed to find a place in my life where I wasn't constantly feeling ready to fight or flee; in survival mode. But I'm ready to play and have fun again. No one is going to bring me down unless I let them. People can say mean thing and do bad things, but if I acknowledge why it hurt and stand up for myself, I won't be the "victim junkie that can't escape" anymore.

I needed to survive and i did with the tools I had. I am learning how to survive with new tools that help me transcend.


"Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

I'm flying away. I'm no longer a concrete angel. I'm rising above! I'm living my dreams. And i'm in a place where I feel like I am loved.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Bex. Don't worry about those who have turned their back on you. Only those who are willing to understand and help matter. Keep moving forward and be happy.

Paul.

Anonymous said...

p.s. It was nice talking with and spending time with you yesterday. Hope it helped a little.

Paul.

Anonymous said...

You can bet your butt that people are reading your blogs. But there are also a couple of things that cause people not to respond, such as:


People usually grow up knowing that whatever they say or do could come back someday to haunt them. Then you have those who don't care and do and say whatever they please until it does come back to haunt them. Then it's all about them. They instantly feel attacked and don't want anyone else to know exactly what they said or did and ask that you don't talk about it or let anyone else in on the truth. So my point is....say what you want regardless if you get any responses...their reading and hiding from the truth. If the people in your life haven't done you wrong then they shouldn't be afraid of what you'd say.

I also enjoy those people who consider themselves good christians. You know the type, those who go to church every Sunday and spread the word of God but then turn around and point the finger at someone else and judge others as if they were God himself. And too top it off, those people are usually the ones who have things that come back to haunt them.

Blog on Bex!!!!



Paul

Vicky-Bex-Alex said...

thanks paul. :-)