That doesn't mean I still am not struggling. I'm dealing with WAY more than any person my age should be. The only person that can pull me thru this is me. I've been really offended that the response I have gotten from my last blog has been largely negative. In that case, don't read it. If you have questions, concerns, comments, let me know! Even if it is to say, "I don't understand". Unless you people personally let me know you are reading this, I am going to keep writing whatever comes to mind as if no one is reading it. And that kind of response makes my ability to get through all this all the more difficult.
I'm sorry to see people moving on and out of my life. Some get jealous when I'm happy. Others are angry when they don't understand me. Some are interested in using me for information to hurt others. I write this blog for me, and me alone. I also write this blog to stand up as a voice of diversity.
I had a big (extended) weekend. Its the one year anniversary of a very painful series of events. In an effort to do something positive, I decided to explore some of the coastal parks near me. Staring at rock formation after rock formation that are breath taking and watching waves play over the coastline made me happy. The waves played over the rocks and stones, sand and vegetation, and tumbled over themselves. It looked as if they were living only to have fun. I realized that all that I've been through: with my parents divorce, getting sick, losing my scholarship and research at school, rebuilding my life in a new place, and then losing everything I built for myself all over again, made me forget how to have fun and enjoy life. I'm thankful that I'm experiencing this now and not when I'm older when I have so much more to loose. I'm still young. I can start again. The waves made me want to live a life that is worth living. To have fun. That life is meant to be lived only so that you can play.
So with my new insight I had my first day of school Friday evening. Then afterwards I went to "girls night" with a few friends (we have "girls nite" almost every week) and we watched Yes Man. Saturday morning I went back to Sunset Cliffs and while I had intended on finding the park and set up a blanket to read instead of exploring the coastline, I ended up in a three hour adventure that included fields of flowers (which is impressive when you live in a desert), hiking over rock formations, repelling down a cliff face to reach a beach, mini-caves, tide pools, and the feeling that I was on the TV show Lost at times with nothing but the water bottle and granola bar in my bag.
I returned home sun burnt in the shape of my sun dress and got ready to go to a country concert at Viejas Casino at one of the Indian reservations a bit inland. It brought back a lot of memories, both good and bad. Country music was one of the few things that kept me alive through High School, other than I had psychosis so bad that I was hearing voices, seeing things that weren't there, and convinced I was going to die when I was 17 in a car crash anyway. Why bother killing yourself if you know when you are gunna die and all you gotta do is wait it out, right? I'm glad I got through that despite my acting out and the lack of therapy I so desperately begged for... but I suppose its water under the bridge. Its something that I can look back and only take away the lessons I learned. One thing is for sure, I miss country music. And it makes me happy because its about emotions, hope, faith, and truth. I think I needed to let country go for a while to discover some things for myself. I also needed to find a place in my life where I wasn't constantly feeling ready to fight or flee; in survival mode. But I'm ready to play and have fun again. No one is going to bring me down unless I let them. People can say mean thing and do bad things, but if I acknowledge why it hurt and stand up for myself, I won't be the "victim junkie that can't escape" anymore.
I needed to survive and i did with the tools I had. I am learning how to survive with new tools that help me transcend.
"Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride