Sunday, August 31, 2008


Its been crazy the past month. I've been working a lot harder at the office recently. I have been helping train directors to be sent to swing states and now I'm the only field manager. I have to plan where we work every day and lots of paperwork. We just closed our Human Rights Campaign project, advocating for equal employment legislation in congress that would end employment discrimination (it's still legal in 30 states to fire someone for being "Gay"). We were also chosen as a testing office from the national headquarters in Boston to try out a new campaign for legalizing Same-sex Marriage. Of course, with same-sex couples having been grated that right here in California, it has been an exciting project to work on. There is a ballot proposition this fall to add an amendment to the state constitution banning same-sex marriage, so of course, there has been lots of support and debate (and opposition). Working out in the field and talking about this issue has been eye opening.

We had a brief intersession with Environment California this last week, working on our previous Global Warming Campaign, and then on Tuesday we start a campaign on behalf of Environment America to help transition the USA into a clean energy future. Just 2 weeks ago, Governor Schwarzenegger hosted a public panel and town meeting on global warming here in San Diego. We have been mobilizing support for a cap-and-trade system that would require polluters to pay for every ton of pollution that they emit and use the money to reinvest in clean energy solutions such as wind and solar power. It was super exciting to attend the meeting. It reminded me of my days working for the Youth Bureau in NY and also reminded me how much I want to continue doing that work.

The Democratic Convention was exciting news and we are even more excited about McCain's running-mate choice. She is a disaster! She even sued the Bush Administration this spring for putting Polar Bears on the endangered species list! It shall be interesting to see how the next week or so turns out.

Adam left for Denver this morning for training. He is being sent to a swing state, but he doesn't know which one yet. I'm leaving on Tuesday morning for San Francisco. I just found out Thursday that I am being promoted to a directors position. I will be working in Palo Alto, CA in the bay area until after the elections, then returning to San Diego for the remainder of the year. I have made a commitment to work for the Fund for Public Interest until Aug. 09. I'll be working on our street team, which is also another step up in the organization, since only the top canvassers work on street. I'm really excited about it and nervous. I'm salaried staff now! To boot... this was Obama's first major job out of college before he went on to grad school. He worked for the NYC offices.

On a personal note... i have been feeling much better and I am slowly on the path to health, thanks to the help of Adam (he has been there supporting me emotionally and practically), and recently the use of acupuncture and acupressure. I'm actually functioning again. Every month I'm stronger. I know that even a month ago I never would have been able to accept this directors position.

I finished my world history course and have started a new one on the History of the English Language, taught by Seth Lerer of Stanford University. It's quite intersting. I'm also reading A History of God by Karen Armstrong.

Currently, however, since I am in the process of packing and eating all my food in the fridge before tuesday, I am looking forward to some blending action with my frozen fruit and some rum... all gluten free of course!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

today sucked. one of the houses on my turf, there was a girl screaming. just screaming. it reminded me of when i used to scream. it didn't matter how long or how long... no one came to help me. the police were never called. no one ever believed me. it was as if a door was unlocked in me. i know that something def. happened yesterday at my naet treatment. i was shaking as dr. nahama went thru the NET. i'm scared for tomorrow. all I could think of was the country song by martina mcbride, concrete angel. i always connected to that song without fully understanding why. I always made excuses because there were never stories or songs exactly like what i went thru. but the emotions are the same. and that is all that matters when it comes to pain and healing. what my mother did to me was not right, it was wrong. it wasn't evil. but it killed a part of me. it def. killed a part of me. that screaming... i swore that i would never let that happen to someone else. I contacted the police.

When i got off the phone, i had a difficult time. i felt like i was second guessing myself. i didn't know if i had done the right thing. maybe i was wrong and everything was ok. but what if i was right? the screaming eventually stopped. i sat on the curb for 20 min. the police never showed up. I am confused about it all. if something was seriously wrong, the police were not there when they were needed. what is the point of notifying them at all? life is so fragile. this is a trigger point that i want to deal with. i have a feeling that tomorrow is not going to be easy. i'm dealing with a horrible time in my life. i felt so trapped, alone, watched, manipulated, mistrusted. i was so mistrusted. no matter what i did it wasn't good enough. i had so many problems. my friends left me. my school work was becoming overwhelming. as i tried to take a leadership role in the school, i found myself subjegated to my mothers' watchful eye. she manipulated my teachers! she went thru my school files! she even prevented me from seeking help from the nurse and counseling center. what would inspire her to do this? the screaming never ended. it felt like every night she got angry at me. it was always about my math grades. i was so angry and lost. upset. confused. when i became a woman, it was not celebrated. i was interrogated and made a fool of. i think i locked a part of myself away then. maybe even something died. i don't know if and even what that part of me is anymore and where it is. this is kinda scary.

tomorrow i am having a phone interview for a CD position in sacramento. this is huge. i guess i need sleep. its gunna be a long day tomorrow.