Tuesday, August 26, 2008

today sucked. one of the houses on my turf, there was a girl screaming. just screaming. it reminded me of when i used to scream. it didn't matter how long or how long... no one came to help me. the police were never called. no one ever believed me. it was as if a door was unlocked in me. i know that something def. happened yesterday at my naet treatment. i was shaking as dr. nahama went thru the NET. i'm scared for tomorrow. all I could think of was the country song by martina mcbride, concrete angel. i always connected to that song without fully understanding why. I always made excuses because there were never stories or songs exactly like what i went thru. but the emotions are the same. and that is all that matters when it comes to pain and healing. what my mother did to me was not right, it was wrong. it wasn't evil. but it killed a part of me. it def. killed a part of me. that screaming... i swore that i would never let that happen to someone else. I contacted the police.

When i got off the phone, i had a difficult time. i felt like i was second guessing myself. i didn't know if i had done the right thing. maybe i was wrong and everything was ok. but what if i was right? the screaming eventually stopped. i sat on the curb for 20 min. the police never showed up. I am confused about it all. if something was seriously wrong, the police were not there when they were needed. what is the point of notifying them at all? life is so fragile. this is a trigger point that i want to deal with. i have a feeling that tomorrow is not going to be easy. i'm dealing with a horrible time in my life. i felt so trapped, alone, watched, manipulated, mistrusted. i was so mistrusted. no matter what i did it wasn't good enough. i had so many problems. my friends left me. my school work was becoming overwhelming. as i tried to take a leadership role in the school, i found myself subjegated to my mothers' watchful eye. she manipulated my teachers! she went thru my school files! she even prevented me from seeking help from the nurse and counseling center. what would inspire her to do this? the screaming never ended. it felt like every night she got angry at me. it was always about my math grades. i was so angry and lost. upset. confused. when i became a woman, it was not celebrated. i was interrogated and made a fool of. i think i locked a part of myself away then. maybe even something died. i don't know if and even what that part of me is anymore and where it is. this is kinda scary.

tomorrow i am having a phone interview for a CD position in sacramento. this is huge. i guess i need sleep. its gunna be a long day tomorrow.

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