Thursday, December 24, 2009

Coming Out

So it's been a while. I've grown up a lot. And I need to come out. I've learned a lot here in San Diego and have suffered a lot too. I've decided to change the direction of this blog to reflect the issues that I care about the most. Many of those issues I have been afraid to write about because I have been afraid that those who love me would not accept me for who I am.

Those of you who know me well know that i can be overly emotional, depressive, and have out-of-control outbursts. You also know that I have a wide variety of interests and personalities and talents.

Lets make it simple. I have a couple of things here, so please hold on. I won't dig into them a lot, rather i will talk more about them as I blog more. I know this may not be the best way to come out about this information, but I feel that I don't have much the loose because those who love me wont care (and most already know) and those who care don't really matter to me anymore.

First, I was diagnosed with bi-polar almost a year ago. I'm on medications now, but it is going to be a long journey to find the right one. Its been difficult to deal with it and maintain relationships and keep jobs. In retrospect, it has caused much of the conflict between my mother and I, and much of my friendship & relationship issues, not to mention my constant inability to keep focused on one job, school subject, or project.

Second, I am gender fluid (or tri-gender). What this means is that I don't feel that I was born in the right body. I have a different gender than my body. This obviously causes a lot of identity issues. I am not transgender though, because I have multiple genders, a female, a male, and an androgenous one. I have felt this way since I was 2 and I have called myself Vicky (Victoria), Bex (Rebecca), and Alex (Alexander) for almost as long. Some of my friends have been calling me these names as well for most of my life. This obviously has a huge impact on my moods and interests, activities and friend circle. This extends, however, even to voice changes, vision, and body changes (ie: in the way I walk and view myself).

Third, I'm bi-sexual. Most of you already know this. But my bi-sexuality is caused by my gender identity as Vicky and Alex. I strongly suspect however, that Bex is asexual.

I hope that those of you that read this will accept this. I also know that I will find many new friends and much support as I continue on my journey.