Transformation (Alex)

I've had it. Its time for change. I've gone through an enormous personal transformation the past 3 months and its forcing me to live in the world in a new way. I did something today that I should have done years ago. Today, I finally found the courage to move on and live my life for me! This is my life.... financially independent, emotionally mature, dreams ready for the taking. I'm ready to take a huge leap. I am at a point where I have nothing to loose.

In 9 months I will be a business owner, run my own non-profit, pursuit my passions, get the medical health I need, and run property management/rental units.


I know this all sounds vague and idealistic. But I know this is my path and I know that something extraordinarily has happened to me since the start of this year.... and there is so much further to go. This is just the beginning!

Wow I've been busy!

The quarter at Mueller is drawing to a close and I am looking back and seeing how rapidly I have have changed. Therapy and DBT is moving along and is a constant source of self-change. My classes at Mueller have really challenged me this quarter as well. My Thai massage class has challenged me to not only learn a new massage modality, but also overcome my PTSD with being touched and receiving massage! My lab class (working on the public giving massage) has pushed me to become a massage therapist and market myself and start building a client list. My Reiki class has challenged me to face a lot of inner daemons and emotional issues, and because of it I have gone through an enormous transformation.

Outside of class, I have been doing research on Integrative health and putting together my business plan and finding ways to accomplish my professional/employment plans and goals! This has taken me to seek out seminars, workshops, and classes, as well as stacks and stacks of books. It has also inspired me to network and reach out to others online and in the community. I have taken on responsibilities in volunteering and moderating and/or running several sites online.

My health has also stabilized. I now know WHAT makes me sick and at a minimum what to avoid. I am slowly making new discoveries to improve my health. I have started seeing a hypnotherapist and meditating regularly, which has helped tremendously too.

This upcoming few months I am looking forward to getting my massage license, starting to exercise regularly, and building my clientel list. My goal is to raise $950 by June 1st to attend a week long certificate program in Vegas for Medical Massage and a weekend workshop in tibetian bowl healing. In DBT we will be leaning about interpersonal effectiveness. My classes are in career development, upper body kinesiolgy, and the body psychology. No doubt, I will learn a lot about myself and continue to grow and be challenged emotionally, intellectually, and professionally.

Finally, I look forward to getting out into the community and volunteering and meeting new people doing activities that I enjoy, like cycling and star-watching. Last week I was offered a position on the steering-committee of the San Diego HRC chapter and will co-chair the diversity committee! I am also working to land a volunteer position with the Alternative Healing Network, a non-profit Integrative Health clinic serving the low-income populations of San Diego. These next few months will be critical as a transition period, because in June/July I will most likely start working again.

So, in summary, I really have been very, very busy. But I am enjoying life and moving forward with hope and love. :-D

ICH+ICH LIVE BEIM HEIMSPIEL "HILF MIR"

Wir rannten beide durch das Leben,
voller Zuversicht und stark,
die ganze Welt gehörte uns
und das Leben war ein Park.
Von allem nur das Beste,
ganz hoch hinaus,
von allem nur das Beste,
so sah es aus.
Und dann bin ich aufgewacht,
mit dem Rücken an der Wand,
ich hab so viel falsch gemacht,
unser Park ist abgebrannt.
Von allem nur das Beste,
ist schon lange her.
Von allem nur das Beste,
das gibts nicht mehr.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.
Ich weiss nicht mehr was es war
unsere Wege trennten sich
ich dacht ich komm alleine klar
und ich brauch dich nicht.
Auf alles was glitzert
ich hab drauf gezielt
und was wirklich zählte,
ich habs verspielt.
Auf der Suche nach dem Besten,
hab ich mich verletzt,
denn du warst doch am besten,
das weiss ich jetzt.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.

Life Beyond School

I seriously have had a multimedia & computer technology explosion. I've been learning computer skills at a free workshop/continuing education program at the City Career Centers. All the technical skills that I never knew were holding me back are suddenly allowing me to do things I have *always wanted to do* but didn't really know how.

Like have an online art collection.... now at deviantart! (I'm MoralAnimal0369)

Like launch a campaign to help youth that are dealing with difficult life challenges. I've seriously been asked dozens of times over the past 5 years to write a book or do public speaking. I now have the rudiments of a non-profit put together. Sweet (for me.... happy dance)! Check it out.... www.lifebeyondschool.info To be honest, I am surprised at how easy it was to put together. I guess I've been contemplating more than I thought.

BTW... Since I am starting a non-profit, I am looking for people to be on the board. Let me know if you are intersted.

THE BEST 101 PHOTOS of my year abroad

I just put together my DeviantART site.... I can't believe that it has taken me so long to do so. Now I have a sizable collection of my art and writings there. Check it out! (link is on the right hand side)

I also redid my company website and created a second website for the parent company of Willow Tree Retreat Center. Links are on the right too.

THE BEST 101 PHOTOS of my year abroad

These photos have been taken across Eurasia, including the countries of France, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, the Czech Republic, Hungary, Turkey, and parts of the German and Holland North Sea. *These photos are the sole property of Rebecca Volzer and may not be copied or distributed without written permission*

My daily dilemmas! (alex)

Here are some cartoons that I find hilarious. Great descriptions of my daily life. hehehe

Clothing crisis

Sir and ma'am

Can I be both?

Just call me Alex

Mr. Potato Head Bodies

Am I a boy? Am I a girl?

The reason I don't hang out in mixed male/female groups

The Seven Stages of Healing (alex)

We've all heard of the stages of healing. It varies some from model to model.

Stage 1- Denial

Stage 2- Pain & guilt

Stage 3- Anger & Bargaining

Stage 4- Depression

Stage 5- Acceptance

Stage 6- Rebirth

Stage 7- Creating New Life

Learning to be healer, the first order of business is learning to heal myself. Boy, do I have a lot of healing to do. Its been 3 1/2 years now since I made the commitment to live for myself and heal myself. I'm still working through some major issues, but fortunately, I know what most of my issues are now. Things are coming together. I'm not in denial anymore.

What am I working on right now and where am I right now?

Loss of my childhood and sanity from trauma (Stage 3)

Loss of 22 years living as a male (Stage 2)

Loss of my family that won't accept me for who I am (Stage 4)

Loss of my health from a damn tick bite (Stage 1)

Loss of my significant relationship last year (Stage 4)

Loss of my freedom (Stage 5)

Loss of security (Stage 6)

Loss of my dreams (Stage 7)

Loss of my education (Stage 7)

Loss of my diet (Stage 6)

Be Kind to Yourself & Others- Reiki Principle

Compassion is an elusive term for me. What is compassion? It is a form of love, but not really love. It is also a form of empathy, but its not empathy either. Compassion comes from the heart and from the heart chakra. It is green. In fact, the first time I ever felt compassion was while meditating on my heart chakra and surrounding myself with green energy. It has not been an emotion that I have been exposed to much, and if I have been, I probably didn't even know. Apart feeling sad about that and about my past, looking forward how does one be kind to yourself and others if compassion is such a foreign concept?

My new years resolution for 2010 was to learn how to love myself. Over the course of the year, I think being compassionate to myself was a much bigger part of that resolution. I have learned how to deal with crisis, I've learned how to enjoy my 6 senses (vision, hearing, taste, touch, smell, and energy), and I've learned how to meditate. I've learned how to take care of myself. I've learned that I don't have to punish myself when things go wrong or don't go my way. And I have learned that it is ok to be happy. Its ok to be ME.

While I would definitely say I am a happier person now than I have ever been in my life, but I also know that there is a lot more I could do. I still struggle to have compassion for myself when sad or struggling with the challenges of life. As a massage therapist, learning how to be compassionate for myself is key in having compassion for others. If I don't have a healthy compassion for myself, I loose a healthy boundary, which can be dangerous when working in a service industry. I have a history of over compassion and over empathy that leads to co-dependency. But every day, I try to do something for myself. A bath. Sit in the sun. Dream. And day by day I will chip away at the ice block in my heart.

I am

I am intuitive

I am judging

I am introverted

I am compassionate

I am a thinker

I am a fighter

I am a defender

I am a healer

I am a servant

I am a leader

I am neither male nor female, yet I am both

I seek truth

I seek justice

I abhor self-righteousness and megalomania

I respect the higher being in all of us

I honor the humanity in us all

I speak

I sing

I hear

I feel

I see

Food is my sustenance

Water is my comfort

Music is my passion

Color is my experience

Knowledge is fountain

Wisdom is a gift

My body is my shell

My soul is my connection

My mind is my vehicle

My gender is my filter

My higher self is my guide

Loosing it again (Vickie)

I am stabilizing at about 800 calories a day and able to adequately sustain myself. But, in order to have enough brain energy to do my math homework, I need to eat more food. Unfortunately, eating more food means that my brain stops working because of the chemicals that I am now sensitive to in them. After two weeks of trying to do math review work from last semester, and miserably frustrated because I just don't understand them, I have realized that I might need to drop out of math. This makes me incredibly sad. I was so happy to finally be doing something to get back on track to finish my major. I was finally going to school, and succeeding! I'm in a scary place right now. I'm loosing feeling and sensation in my lower body again. I can't feel my feet anymore. I'm dissociated most of the day. Panic attacks. I feel lost a lot of the time. I am having a hard time determining what gender I am in, and that is causing major dysphoria. I just want to cry. The further I get down this path, the worse the chemically induced depression gets. It gets harder to search out help and advocate for myself.

Maybe if I don't go to Mesa and take these math classes, I can devote more time to building my business and being able to afford health insurance. I have another hypno appointment this week. I hope it helps. Its the only hope I have to hang on to right now.

Hypnotherapy (alex)

Today I became a huge fan of hypnotherapy. There is a new hypno program at school and their new lab is short on clients. So I offered to get a session. During the session, we talked for a while, and then the practitioner hypnotized me. It was like a guided meditation that induced a dream. I felt like I was dreaming. It was amazing.

Today has been a rough day. My ex called me on the phone upset at me because I had gotten a new phone and terminated my half of our contract without telling him. Then at class tonight, we were practicing deep abdominal massage. My partner is NOT good at the whole massage thing. But I made it through everything today. And I had some really good moments too.

I highly recommend trying out hypnotherapy. Its pretty awesome. :-)

Head in a Cloud Business explosion (Alex)

My head is swimming. I have been doing research on my business. I've been on a marathon for the past 10 days, finishing nearly 10 books and I'm in the middle of a half a dozen more. I've got a 2" binder stuffed full of notes and research. Its been my dream since I was a child to get involved in healthcare and specifically alternative medicine. Over the years I have waxed and wanned on my enthusiasm for different aspects of health, from public health to a mainstream medical degree to naturopathy to herbalism to massage therapy. But if I have learned one thing over the past few years, it is that I am an entrepreneur. I love learning but hate school. I love running a business and figuring out how to make it work, but I hate working for others. I get a thrill off of training others to succeed. Over the past year I have been rolling around an idea for a holistic health "hospital". I want to start my own business. So, I've been diving head first into a concentrated research effort the past few weeks. I've been collecting info and resources for 6 months already in a random effort. But I'm full steam ahead now.

My head honestly hurts. One of the books I'm working my way through is a 700 page small print publication for health care administrators on the integration of complementary medicine in health care systems. It has been making my head explode because practically each chapter has been paradigm shifting. It takes me hours to get through something that would take me less than an hour. Its been great. But overwhelming. My goal is to understand the basics of what I need to know to design a large group medical facility that is insurance reimbursed. Obviously I don't have the experience or knowhow to start a facility like that, so I'm putting together a timeline that will start me out small working on one small part of the grand scheme and have me grow it over the next 10-40 years. This is what I want to devote my life to. I'm applying for my Massage License in 2 months. I am going to start volunteering in integrative health centers around San Diego.

What hurts my head so much is designing a system or at least an idea that can be grown in a direction that becomes a final vision. And the final vision is hard to wrap my head around! How do you design an entire "bricks-and-mortar" hospital based, primary care integrative CAM facility that is different than anything ever done yet? There are some outstanding models around the USA. And lots of little clinics too. But it is still a new field and requires reinventing the wheel each time.

Bring it on!

Rammstein Zwitter (Alex)

I am not a huge fan of Rammstein. In fact, I don't really like Rammstein at all. I think there are much better German bands. That being said, there is an interesting song they did that is a retelling of the Greek myth of Hermaphroditus (found in Book IV of Metamorphoses by Ovid). It is from the perspective of Hermaphroditus (who was born a bio-male!!!!) reflecting back upon the moment when the water nymph, Salmacis, was overcome by lust for the boy and tried to seduce him, but was rejected, so she pleaded with the gods to let her become "one" with him. The gods granted this wish, and Salmacis and Hermaphroditus became two souls in one body, with a mixed male/female body.

Hermaphroditus recounts in this retelling how he has grown to accept himself and love who he is. He also reflects on how being of "two genders" has changed how he interacts with the world. Unfortunately, english translations of the song badly butchers the meaning behind the words and totally do not take in account the story that inspired the song, so therefore they interpret many of the lines wrong. It results in an incredibly crude and disgusting translation. The song, instead, is meant to be one part a celebration of self-acceptance and one part "fuck you world! for seeing me as a disgusting (derogatory) "hermaphrodite!". He describes the subtle meaning of what it means to be of two souls that are now one person and how that changes who he is.

Although I do not see myself as two distinct people in one body, like Hermaphroditus did (and the way many who have multiple personalities), because I am only one soul, I still connect with the situation of moving through the world as two genders because I have to pretend I am two distinct people that are of two different genders (at least on the surface. My surface identity does not change who i am underneath). I feel strongly that if culture and society did not insist on me choosing one or the other gender, I wouldn't feel so pressured to adopt two identities and presentations. I could just be me, without judgement! There have been many cultures throughout time that have recognized this type of person. In some cultures, such as the native american "two spirit", these people often become powerful leaders and shamans. Obviously, the greeks felt a similar way. Hermaphroditus is a God.

Word of note: The literal translation of Zwitter by Rammstein hides the complexity of the double meanings in the german language. Rammstein specifically uses words that have double meaning and are inflammatory interpretations and is being extremely abstract. This is part of the premise and reason to fame of the band. This song is written to be intentionally interpreted as jarring and disgusting. What amazes me (and the reason I am posting it here and talking about it) it that the song is also written in a way that exposes the subtle perspective of someone who understands the plight of Hermaphroditus and can see it from a somewhat neutral and/or good place. Rarely is the story of Hermaphroditus told from that perspective. It is always told from the perspective of a "normal" person, which is like an alien trying to describe what it is like to be a human or vice versa.

Ich hab ihr einen Kuss gestohlen ...............(I had stolen a kiss from her [the nymph])
Sie wollte sich ihn wiederholen ..................(She had wanted to keep him [She was overcome by lust for the boy, and tried to seduce him, but was rejected. So the nymph she called out to the gods that they should never part.])
Ich hab sie nicht mehr losgelassen .............(I did not let her go)
Verschmolzen so zu einer Masse ................(Melted together into one)
So ist es mir nur allzurecht .......................(I am now at peace/it is ok)
Ich bin ein schönes Zweigeschlecht ............(I am a beautiful "Two Spirit“)
Zwei Seelen unter meiner Brust ..................(Two souls in my breast)
Zwei Geschlechter eine Lust ......................(Two sexes/genders but one desire [as in one want, one mindset, or life goal and direction in life, not sexual desire]

Zwitter, Zwitter .....................................(hybrid/two soul/double embodied)
Zwitter, Zwitter

Ich gehe anders durch den Tag ..................(I go through each day differently)
Ich bin der schönste Mensch von allen .........(I am the most beautiful person in the world!)
Ich sehe wunderbare Dinge ........................(I see amazing things)
Die sind mir vorher gar nicht aufgefallen .......(that [each day] I did not/could not see before)
Ich kann mich jeden Tag beglücken .............(I can make myself happy every day [referring to the inner relationship he has with himself, and perhaps a more physical double meaning too])
Ich kann mir selber Rosen schicken ..............(I can send myself roses! [this is a subtle play on words referring to the rigid gender roles in german society and is meant facetiously and sarcastically])
Da ist kein zweiter und kein dritter ..............(there is no second or third [body; but left open to be interpreted as person to play out the dual story line for the rest of the song])
Eins und eins das ist gleich ........................(both souls are the same me; literally one and one is the same)

Zwitter ...................................................(hybrid/two soul/double embodied)
Ich bin so verliebt .....................................(I feel so loved)
Zwitter
Ich bin in mich verliebt ...............................(I love myself! [again, another sarcastic play on words that has a double meaning… I can make love to myself, and figuratively, I love who I am. It means both.])

Eins für mich .............................................(There is only one for me [refering to the original himself and now the one body and one mindset/direction in life)
Eins für dich ..............................................(There is only one for you [referring to the original you of the nymph and now the one body, and one mindset/direction in life)
Gibt es nicht .............................................(there is nothing [other])
Für mich ...................................................(for me [me as in the wholistic person, the both of them now being “the same”])

Eins für mich
Eins für dich
Eins und eins .............................................(both of “us”)
Das bin ich ................................................(that is me!)

Ich bin alleine doch nicht allein ......................(I am alone, but I am also not alone)
Ich kann mit mir zusammen sein .....................(I can just be here with myself [also a play on words which can be doubly interpreted as being able to sleep with himself)
Ich küsse früh mein Spiegelbild .......................(In the morning I kiss my reflection in the mirror [a subtle reference to the rigid gender roles in german society and the expectation of men to be romantic with women and how looking in the mirror in the morning is self affirming when he sees both "souls" in the reflection in the mirror)
Und schlafe abends mit mir ein ......................(At night I sleep alone/with just myself [the grammer refers to an acknowledgment of a second person])
Wenn die anderen Mädchen suchten ...............(when other [men] are chasing women)
Konnt ich mich schon selbst befruchten ...........(I [don’t need to because] I can have a relationship with myself [this is another play on words and is meant facetiously both as an entire phrase and with the use of the word befruchten, meaning both literally being able to “fertilize” himself but referring also to the more abstract reality of having an intimate relationship with a someone else which is inside of himself])
So bin ich dann auch nicht verzagt ..................(so therefore, I am honestly not bothered)
Wenn einer zu mir "Fick dich" sagt ....................(when others tell me to “fuck myself” [again, said in irony. The germans have a very subtle, dry humor])

Zwitter
Ich bin so verliebt
Zwitter
Ich bin in mich verliebt

Eins für mich
Eins für dich
Gibt es nicht
Für mich

Eins für mich
Eins für dich
Eins und eins
Das bin ich

*** I use the male pronouns because Hermaphroditus is bio-male and although some versions of the myth/story refers to an eventual change in gender identity, I don't know the myth well enough to feel like I can wade through society and time's (often derogatory) interpretation of which gender pronoun is the "right one". Therefore, I don't feel at liberty to change it to a gender neutral pronoun or to a female pronoun. I intend to use the male pronoun in the same way one would use "mankind" to mean people****

Note of some of the gender terminology: Zwitter translates literally to hermaphrodite and it is often used to refer to those who are "hermaphrodites", but it's actual meaning translates more closely to "double embodied", "two souls" or "hybrid". It can also be applied to situations where twins in the womb, for example, share a hybrid set of genes from one egg being fertilized by two sperm, producing "zwitter" twins. It is typically interpreted as something relating to the physical/material world, but also could be used metaphorically to describe something more abstract if care was taken to emphasize the more abstract interpretation (like rammstein has managed to do in their song lyrics!)

German also does not differentiate "gender" from "sex" and often use the same word. "Geschlecht" is usually interpreted to mean sex, more than gender. Furthermore, there is less of a distinction between gender identity and sexual identity and sexual orientation than there is in English! There is often one word that can be used for all three depending on context. German has been importing english words in an attempt by the LGBT community to make a distinction between definitions. (For example, Bisexuell for bisexual)

"zweigeschlecht" likewise translates to "two sexed" or "having two genders" (remembering that gender actually means sex, not the gender in your head), "Zweigeschlecht" orignially means something akin to bisexual, but the meaning is shifting to a narrower definition because of the importation of english words.

Museum of Man (alex)

I've been pretty miserable. I feel like I am putting out fires, one day devoting all my energy to starting my business, then the next day throwing myself into feeding myself, then the next refusing to get up from the couch to try and pretend I have nothing important. Today, I've been making an effort to read the ENTIRE nearly 4 year history of a Salicylate Forum (http://salicylatesensitivity.com/forum). After 3 hours, I only made a dent in the first half of the intro post! So, this might take me a while. But I'm learning a lot!

In an attempt to give my eyes a rest, I went to Balboa Park and ended up at the Museum of Man. There was a tiny little exhibit called Strange Bones, documenting how our bones are living tissues and how they grow and change over the course of a lifetime when confronted with fractures, disease, binding (corsets, foot binding, head shaping, etc), wounds, environmental factors, nutrition, etc. I took pictures of two things that scared me. First, syphilis is the 1st cousin of Lyme Disease. Seeing that Lyme can be even more destructive than syphilis, I was a bit disturbed by the fact that my bones could be doing that! The other is a bone when exposed to excess fluoride (which we get from our drinking water, toothpaste, etc). Although I haven't ruled out that I am having fluoride problems, one of the members on the Salicylate Forum that has helped me a lot DOES have fluoride issues and I wanted to share this particular bone with him/her.

All that being said, I have a whole new appreciation of health and human skeleton. I also spent some time examining the skeletons of other hominid species too. With my new anatomy and kinesiology knowledge from school, I was fascinated by how much I could learn about the different human species by looking at their bones. The human body will never cease to amaze me!

Moving forward in a New Year (vickie)

Life has been pretty hectic the past 2 weeks. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about who I am and where I am going. I have to say, giving up has certainly been on my mind. Going home for Christmas, back to Ohio, was stressful. I got really really sick and am struggling (still) to get back on my feet. I feel like I am just emerging from a fog. I'm reacting to so much in my environment, I wonder if it will ever come to an end. What has kept me going is my Rotaract group and Bigender.net. In Rotaract, I am taking on responsibilities to bring a public showing of Under Our Skin, a documentary on Lyme Disease. I bought a few copies of the film last week. While watching them, I cried through the entire second half. It gives me so much strength and hope to see others go through this, but at the same time, so much dispair. It seems such an impossible task to get better. There are so many challenges to overcome, I honestly wonder if I have it within me. I am a fighter. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't so. I wouldn't have gotten through the past year if it weren't so either. But the film really hit home with me that there is so much more ahead, so much more pain. And I am only at the BEGINNING of the journey.

Looking back at this year, what has amazed me the most and made the biggest impact on me is the the bigender.net forum I spend a lot of time on. It has provided a safe place where we can all "evolve" in our own ways as gender queer indviduals. Bigender.net has changed my life and literally saved my life several times this year.

It has really been a journey for me this past year. I am just past my one year anniversary of coming out to myself! I have seen my identity as a multigendered individual evolve and mature. I have seen my different modes become their own thing and be what makes ME happy and not what others want to see me as. I have also grown as a person. As an independent, NON-codependent person. Being alone this year and recovering from a relationship has been hard, but it has been one of the greatest things that has happened to me. A true blessing in disguise.

I finally got my new Social Security card with my new name this week. Now I need to go to the DMV and change my name there. I am waiting for a day where I am in male mode, because I need to get my picture taken. It feels like male gender is kind of a innocent until proven guilty kind of thing. It is a lot easier to disprove being male than prove you are male, so I want to get my ID to look as masculine as possible. The point of changing my name to my initials is so that I don't "out" myself with my name. It would be pointless to change my name if my picture wasn't "neutral".

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my identity as a woman. I recently finished a book on communication between men and women ("You Just Don't Understand" http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294357790&sr=8-1). It has really changed the way I view the world and where I fit into it. I came out of the closet to my grandmother while in Ohio and she took it really well. In fact, I couldn't have asked for anything better! She recognized that I was still the same me and that in the end, gender doesn't matter. It wasn't something that she was negative about or something that she would tolerate; it was simply love and acceptance. It made me very happy. It was such a powerful experience.

What was much more difficult, however, was "coming out" about my illness. I have come to understand recently what that means to me and have finally been able to get to a level of acceptance and faith in journeying forward these past 2 weeks. I discovered when visiting home that my family here in San Diego (that I have been relying on to communicate with the rest of the family as to what I have been going through while I was too sick to communicate on my own for the past 3 years) has been covering everything up, and in some cases lying and saying I was ok, when I am not. In many ways, I think (subconsciously), I wanted to perpetuate that.

I wanted to perpetuate that because it has been critical to my identity as a woman. I have been ashamed to be a female because I feel like I am always "loosing". Being sick is just one of many ways of "being weak". As a bio-female, I have struggled to live in the "female world" because I act in a more male and competitive way much of my life. This book helped me recognize in my heart that the female world is much more egalitarian, rather than just intellectually recognizing that; that that type of world organization is not in competition to the "male world" but simply a different way at looking at the world and a different and just as valid place to be. I have been trying to prove that I am who I am (multigendered) and prove what I am going through, instead of relating and sharing what I am going through and who I am. In addition, I have struggled with the concept of being beautiful and also with feminine power coexisting with what I have often viewed as female subservience and victim-hood. That has manifested in a way that I have always struggled to be "better" or "more" than my partners, family, and friends; everything is a competition, even when that is not what I intended.

However, I have learned an extraordinarily humbleness and inner strength this past 2 weeks that comes from a femininity that I never understood before. That overcoming the challenges I have gone through can be expressed and be a part of who I am as a female and be something to be proud of. It can be a part of how I present and not something to hide. I can be PROUD of my "weaknesses" because my greatest weaknesses are my strengths! This has allowed me the past few days to go out presenting as a female the way that makes ME feel beautiful and strong, not the way society says beauty is. My female side has evolved to a place where I can peacefully live in my own skin and the rules that I judged myself on don't apply anymore. Despite living in the world as a bio-female, for the first time I have actually been able to access the feminine world.

As a male, however, I have learned to stand my ground and stand up for myself. To be direct and how to take the floor. I have learned that some of my feminine ways of talking and relating put me in a one-down position and I inadvertently demasculinate myself when I am trying to prove that I am just the opposite. I discovered what the heck is the big deal about sports teams and found a way to make me feel like I have control and comradery without being needy. This has been just as empowering too.

I am amazed at how lucky I am to live in both the male and female worlds and that I am learning how to gracefully glide between them instead of living in a mish-mash of both worlds, and hence my own little world.

I started classes at Mueller again this week and for the first time, I openly talked about how lucky I feel and how truly blessed and gifted I feel to be bigender. I feel that in many ways, being bigender is a special place that is an honor. I hope that I can cultivate that. I am taking Thai massage, Reiki, and a lab class. Thai totally freaked me out. This is the first bodywork class I have taken since the Trauma Touch Therapy. I still dissociated during class and had a hard time working through it when I got home, but it wasn't as bad as it normally is. So, I guess there is progress! But I am NOT going to give up on this! I will NOT let my body shackle me in chains for the rest of my life! I am going to keep doing what I am afraid of and ashamed of over and over and over again until I get through this!

I had my Reiki class this morning. I think that this class is going to be very difficult, emotionally, for me. But I think it will also be hugely positive too. Lab is on Saturday. I am looking forward towards that, because I want to start building clientle. I want to get my business running and I need to pay for my massage room space too, asap.

So, that all being said, Happy belated New Year! May the upcoming year be full of challenges and tears and love. :-)

Free from School! (Vickie)

It is finally break! Wow.... I can't believe it. My roommate moved out and it has been absolutely wonderful. Having extra space in the apartment has infused me with a new level of creativity, which I thrive off of. I'm a TCM Wood element. Meaning, I thrive on creating and expanding. I've been devoting some serious time to my Rotaract club, starting my business, and learning as much as I can about the biochemistry of food allergies and remedies. I even got a chance to carve out some space for a music and art studio in the living room, which makes me unbelievably happy. I got a little mini Christmas tree that I put in the middle of the space right in front of the window so that I can show off!

On Monday I am flying to Ohio for a week. I'm a bit nervous. Between my diet and not going home for my grandfather's funeral, AND this will be the first time "out of the closet" with my family.... it's going to be an interesting trip!

I also have pictures of my new office space! YAY!

I have been so careful with my diet lately (well... diligent; I have had some pretty nasty slip ups) and I am feeling amazing now. Today, I also met with the HHP (Holistic Health Practitioner.... what I am studying for at Mueller) that I went to for AAT. I haven't been entirely happy about my experience with him, but I am hoping it is worth it. We are doing a combination of AAT and some other programs he is trained in. AAT is apparently not a very good idea in my case because it works in the same way taking a battery out of the fire alarm gives relief from constant alarms that something is wrong. But my "alarms" are apparently not false alarms and there is some legit underlying problems. We did do an AAT session today for Oxalates, which hopefully will take the edge off of my sensitivities so that I can take some of my supplements. In the mean time, I am learning a lot about new energy therapies. I am totally amazed by the physics. Check out this link (its a 45 minute clip) about muscle testing and a protocol they are using in Japan.

http://bdort.org/BiDigitalORingTestPages/Hallmark.shtml

and this one about the supposed discovery of the "fountain of youth". The team even got a Nobel prize! My HHP wants me to take it. http://www.naturalnews.com/027312_astragalus_aging_health.html

Lyme & Co is coming back (Vickie)

I feel like I am descending into my own little autistic world again. My symptoms from the Lyme Disease and Co-infections are returning. It is still worth it to stay on this new diet (which also means I can't take my Lyme meds), it is incredibly frustrating.

- My mental clarity is decreasing. I feel like I am in a bubble and fuzzy.

- My spacial manipulation is impaired (dyslexia, symbols & numbers are harder to comprehend, difficult to organize things and line them up, etc)

- My sleep is much more shallow

- Opportunistic infections are coming back. Candida is the biggest one, but several others too.

- Decrease in facial recognition. I can't see the details in faces anymore and be able to identify people.

- concentration is faltering. I tried to take my math test this morning. What normally takes me less than 20 minutes took me twice as long.

- Urges to rock, talk in animal sounds, and hit myself returning

It is disturbing and anxiety provoking. I feel like I am getting lost in my own world again where I am having trouble connecting with other people and navigating through the world. It is getting harder to balance my life and get tasks done. I want to scream for somebody to help me. But I know that I am the only one that can help myself.

Unfortunately, unemployment is on the rocks again. I am being forced to open my business 9 months early. My roommate moved out unexpectedly, so I converted the room into an office. But now I have a lot of pressure to somehow make $500 extra a month, at least. And then I am most likely completely dependent on my business to cover all my expenses in March. It's not an impossible task, but will be just that much more difficult with my Lyme problems returning.

This Holistic Health Practitioner that I am seeing for AAT has so far been a disaster. He gave me some supplements that have gluten in them. I am honestly afraid to see him again. I am hoping to be able to work with him without all the supplements and make some progress so that I can take my Lyme meds. It is my only hope right now.

New Name

It's official! I've been on a cloud all day. Its my re-birthday. hehe. I'm RVA legally now. Now I get to run all around to the DMV and IRS and SSI and the bank, my school, my financial aid, etc and change my name. I updated my name at one of my schools today and finally got a student ID card (i've been waiting until the name change was official). I look so happy in my picture!

Insightful story

I want to share a link to a blog that I found. It is a 96 "chapter"-page story on a couple trying to raise two adopted children that were abused before they got them and suffered severe food-related problems. The story follows their attempt to figure out what was making the children sick and the difficulties in raising them. It was a real eye opener for me. I relate in many ways to the children. It gives me hope that some day I will find an answer and patience knowing that I probably won't until I just don't care anymore and I give up.

http://www.eklhad.net/adhd/index.html

Old enemies

I have some pretty bad memories growing up of trying to get rid of my acne. My mom would pin me when I was little to squeeze out a blackhead. When I was older, she made me wear makeup to cover it all up and bought me all sorts of medicated face washes. I would often wake up in the morning having felt like I didn't sleep, my face swollen and puffy, and in tears with pain. I eventually determined that I was sensitive to Salicylates. They are in aspirin, acne medications, and anything mint. So, I did my best to avoid the obvious culprits. But I regularly got guilted into using my acne facewashes, would wake up before school in tears and pain, and get shamed, yelled at, or occasionally thrown out of bed and across the room to motivate me to "get my ass to school".

At this time, I also simply stopped eating. I was too sick in the mornings to eat, would eat what I could tolerate at lunch, be half-starved by afternoon snack, and then devour whatever was given to me at dinner even if I hated it. I rarely felt good after dinner. I would get extremely tired for about a half hour, then anxious and jittery and incapable of sleeping for HOURS later. It worked out ok for me though, because it meant that I could stay up later doing homework. I never could concentrate on my homework while my mother was awake and in the house. Thankfully she went to bed early most nights. I had to get up at 6am though for school, so I rarely slept more than 6 hours.

We also had a "bread drawer" where we kept all the bread, cookies, chips, etc. By the time I was in High School, I had long ago refused to eat sandwiches or anything out of the drawer. I also refused to eat cereal and pretty much any fruit that was in the house (usually only grapes and apples). I had either oatmeal, a waffle, or nothing in the morning. I tried convincing my parents to let me go vegetarian at one point because I hoped that would make me feel better. Their response to that was to prepare ONLY pasta and meat dishes for a month. My mom refused to even prepare our normal veggie side dishes.

I was wild, unpredictable, moody and emotional as a child and teen. I had poor concentration, was easily provoked into a screaming rage, and would go days spinning out of control in a manic whirlwind followed by weeks and months of depression so deep, I didn't even have the motivation to try and kill myself. I knew something was wrong. But the doctors said I had a clean bill of health. I apparently wasn't "crazy" enough to be allowed to see a therapist. If I tried to utilize the school therapists or go to the nurse, my mother would guaranteed find out (she worked at the school) and would harass me until she found out my "reason" for going and then would yell at me that I was just fine. Needless to say, I don't have fond memories of growing up.

Since then, I have been searching for the answer to what was causing me to feel so bad and act so out of control. I was diagnosed with Celiac disease and that answered a lot of questions. I've found many more food intolerances since then too. I've always avoided salicylates outright (like aspirin and face wash) but never more than that (except a brief time in college when I only used salicylate free soaps, shampoo, toothpaste, etc). The problem is, and I've said this over an over.... the healthier food I eat, the sicker I get.

Guess what?!?! Salicylates are found in MOST fruits and vegetables. Growing up, I didn't eat a whole lot of flavorful foods that have natural salicylates in them. We had a pretty crappy diet of nothing but pasta and meat and salt and pepper. We didn't eat veggies or fruit or have nuts and seeds and spices, teas or condiments. But as I have searched for "safe" food in my gluten free, dairy free, soy free, yeast free, oat free, and corn free diet.... I have started to eat a lot more veggies and oils and vinegars and spices and all sorts of things. But I still stay up late wracked in pain (and there are no "safe" pain meds for me to take) and wake up feeling like shit. I go through the day in a stupor and my 6 years of chronic diarrhea is only getting worse. Granted, I'm a hell of a lot healthier and more functional (at least cognitively) than I was growing up. But you know what!?, I just want to have a good solid crap and a restful night's sleep. Is that really too much to ask???

I'm not happy about trying an elimination diet to see if salicylates really are my problem. There is a pretty good likelihood they are though. This is going to be really tough. Its kinda crappy to realize this on Thanksgiving and going into the holiday season. I finally thought I had figured out something so that this year I can FINALLY partake in the festivities and not just stand around starved watching everyone else pig out. As much as I don't like it, I also don't have the luxury of throwing out all the food in my house and restocking with "safe" salicylate free food because I am beyond poor. Its going to be a tough journey of negotiation and gradual replacement of the most troubling culprits to start with. The salicylate diet is much more complicated than a gluten free diet. Wish me luck! I am going to need it!