Blood in my Ear (Vickie- red)

Its already been a long week. I've been fighting a lot. Actually, fighting just about everything. Its not just fighting this god-damn infection, but fighting the pharmacist/pharmacy, fighting to get sleep, fighting to get food in me, but also just wanting to fight everyone else too.

Somethings I kinda gave up on. Somethings I can't, even if I want to. Do you think I want to be a control freak about gluten in my kitchen? No. Perhaps I should look at it all as a "choose your battle" kind of thing. I kinda gave up in general this morning after I woke up with BLOOD coming out of my left ear. I was trying to get ready in less than 20 min to get to my DBT group. I used to be certified in CPR and as a First Responder. And the first thing that comes to mind when there is blood coming out of ears is.... don't panic; something is seriously wrong! So, i called up the clinic that I went to on Saturday and was told to come by as a "walk-in". Turns out I have a cut in my ear canal wall. Nothing serious. But when I got home and thought about it, and actually thought about how I wasn't really thinking about it, and how I had gone through most of the day doing other tasks, I started wondering, since when does blood coming out of my ears constitute, "just another day"? Is my life really that crazy? Or do I make everything around me a bigger deal so that when something serious really does happen then it doesn't feel like that much of a stressor?

Life goes on. I feel like I've been turning over a new leaf. A lot of my time lately has been spent reprocessing the events of the last few months and trying to put them in context with my life, instead of the context of "survival mode". I'm climbing out of something and seeing a new side of me. I'm also seeing glimpses of who I was and who I wanted to be when I was in High School. Those dreams and goals and pieces of personality are coming back. Its like I'm coming out of some sort of hole that I've been hiding in since 11th grade. I guess I shouldn't ask, why now? The body and mind process things and protect themselves from things at their own speed and will.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something. Friday I am starting a new therapy called Trauma Touch. Its a new therapy program that has evolved out of massage therapy and emerging psychological theory (over the past 30 years.... but just now entering into the therapist toolbox) on the lasting impact of trauma in the bodies of mammals & humans. I've worked with the theory before and have had success with it that I didn't think was possible. From what I understand of it and experienced of of the theory, plus a massage-esque protocol, Trauma Touch Therapy probably has the potential to CURE someone from PTSD. Comparing my systemic infection allegorically with what trauma/anxiety can do to someone, its quite amazing to imagine what kind of person would "blossom" out from underneath the weight of it all.

For example: if you have a systemic infection, not only do you have a very large and body-wide infection but it also compromises your immune system. Therefore not only do you run out of energy quickly trying to fight it, but infections in almost every other organ and cavity in your body spring up. If you get a cut, it doesn't heal. If you get a sinus infection... it doesn't go away. You get an infection in you gut, you don't absorb food & nutrients. So on, and so forth. If you have serious anxiety (and Panic Attacks), it permeates your body and suppresses your ability to deal with normal stress. Suddenly, you get debilitating stress about multiple things in your life. You are now overly stressed about work and don't want to go, you are afraid to sleep, you are anxious about walking down the street. You are to overwhelmed to pursue an opportunity that would have led you to fulfilling your goals or dreams. You get rid of the systemic infection, your body can heal itself of the other smaller, minor infections. You get rid of the Panic attacks and general anxiety, you now have the resources to deal with normal stress, anxiety and fear. You become freer to be the person you are and not bogged down with extra challenges and weights.

So my goals for May:

- rid of the yeast infection

- learn how to bake (gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free) yeast-free bread (to prevent reinfection)

- learn how to make easy & nutrient dense smoothies (to help with fighting the smaller infections)

- start going to Trauma Touch Therapy

- start working with a talk therapist (to help process the trauma that comes up in TTT, the heightened stress from everything else, and transitioning from that Panic Attack/generalized anxiety place through the heightened stress around everything else, to something more normal)

- continue DBT group (We are working on Mindfulness & Emotion Regulation this month)

- exercise & yoga (to help deal with stress)

Today has been a good day though, despite. Its the little things in life that matter! Tonight in Anatomy class we will be discussing the Endocrine system (the hormones). Which, is my FAVORITE body system! (Whatever... I know I am geeking out, but I like the topic! I even signed up for pathology as my next science course next quarter!) I also had to go downtown to a pharmacy to get my prescription. The clinic was in the middle of where a lot of the Mexicans live. Being Cinco de Mayo today, I treated myself to an authentic Carne Asada Taco. It totally made my day! YAY! I'm also very much enjoying being 100% female gendered and bodied and people seeing me as female over the last 2 days. There is SO much stress when you are not the same gender as your body. Ugh! Its a welcome respite.