Someday (Alex-blue)

I worry that I won't ever find someone.... a partner(s). I imagine conversations all the time, running through my head about what I would say if someone was interested in me. About my disabilities, my genders, my diet. I watch movies like "Rain Man" and see myself in the main character. I read complicated technical books and get happily lost in them, but I can't stand shows like "Mad Men" or even talk to my professor and understand the face she gives me.... because I don't get it. I don't understand the drama. I see shows like Mad Men or the Office rife with sexism and racism with women and men trailing after each others crotches and debating how to screw over some guy so that his family ends up on the street homeless and without food. Why is that entertaining?

I think of all the great and wonderful things i have done that few people can say they have accomplished and/or survived. I'm 23 and already come with heavy baggage. I'm sensitive and particular. Seclusive. Needy. I want that safe feeling of being safe in a space with someone I trust. I need someone to understand that I get freaked out if someone touches and can spend hours watching fan blades and running water and flashing lights and details in the leaves of trees and blades of grass, lost in the symphonies of Hayden or Mozart or Verdi. I will talk for hours about genomic structures and how I made my latest dinner dish and my plans to someday own my own business or the architecture & culture of Europe, past and present. I am fascinated that abstraction and math and music and art and physics all converge into the wondrous and mysterious image and can be calculated and depicted and mesmerizing but please don't ask me to calculate it because the numbers and symbols will jump all over the page or go missing. It is not that I can't solve the problem, it is that my brain keeps seeing the wrong problems and solving those ones.

I'm possessive and don't like people touching or taking my stuff. I expect people to follow the rules and treat each other with respect. There are social rules too! I put a lot of effort to follow them and I expect others to do the same towards me. I get angry and confused when people are shallow about anything.... fads, life, hobbies, putting on a mask for society, lying to make things "easier". All people deserve to live their lives not impinged on by others. Social Justice is for all, not a few. Greed makes little sense to me either. Or wanting absolute power and control. I need to control everything. Control my environment, my life. But why would someone want so much power that they hurt others and continue to do so, even when they know they are doing so?

I want someone to share my life with. I need a family. A family that cares about my wellbeing through deeds and words, not just sentiment. I need people in my life that care about my wellbeing. Not people that are not what they seem like or say on the surface. I don't get that. Life is already too complicated.... why make it more so?

Lately I've been giving up on the constant anxiety and tension to do/try what I know is "normal". I try so hard. It was indoctrinated into me. I can't be "weird" I was told. But I want to stop doing that. It feels like a double edge sword. It feels like admitting that I loose my inheritance to "normalcy" and admitting that I am some psychiatric case. But I don't believe I am. Most of the time. I just don't want others to think I am. I just want to be me. Live out my desires and not constantly tailor them to think... if I do this or say that will people look at me funny? I know how to act normal. But I don't want to do that anymore. I'm giving up on that.

Muscle tone (Alex- blue)

I have a problem.

I am loosing feeling, sensation and control of my muscles. I can't move them. I can't feel my body. My sensation is dull. I can dig my nail into my body and hardly feel it. Some places tingle. I can tense major muscle groups (in most part of my body--- in some I can't at all). I can not relax any muscle voluntarily.

This has been getting progressively worse for over a month. I've been much worse than this and God, I really don't want to get that bad. But it is progressing steadily. I feel desperate and I am watching and feeling myself loose sensation and control. Desperation to feel something. Desperation to move. Desperation to relax so that the tense muscles aren't always twitching.

I've taken the Calcium and Magnesium, etc. I've taken the pain meds, the sedatives, the muscle relaxers.... nothing works. And I can't feel my body. I'm turning into a fluffy cotton ball feeling. Why is this happening to ME?!?!?!

What am I? (Bex-yellow)

I don't like the ocean. Or the desert. It presents a problem when one lives in San Diego. None-the-less, I have a habit of wanting to go out on Saturday nights, and actually interact with people! I'm learning to use my new Asperger strategies to good use. Normally I just walk around Hillcrest or Downtown. I rarely work up the courage to go IN places. But it is fun to look at buildings and people at night. They look different at night.

Tonight I didn't go out out. I went to the beach. I normally leave at around 10pm on Saturdays, so I got in my car and went to Dog Beach in Ocean Beach. Let me remind you... I don't like the ocean. I just wanted to go somewhere. I needed to clear my head. I started walking along the water's edge. One of the reasons I don't like the ocean is because it is so loud.... and so ANGRY sounding. I watched for a while. I tried to remember all the times I had come to the ocean. Whale watches, school trips, hiking trips, Oaxaca Mexico. I realized that despite my aversion to the ocean it had left a huge mark on my life; changes. I walked to the pier and then back. I watched the ocean at the pier for a while and contemplated that the ocean was so angry and it never stopped. Chaos kept rolling; never ending. The waves slowly fizzed out and rolled onto shore and left a mark on the sand.... that with time will eventually lift/evaporate away. My life I guess is kinda like that.

After a while on walking on the waters edge again (mostly to avoid the fire rings with people further up from the tides) I realized I was walking between the chaos of my life and the social life I always wanted. I walked between and was yet so close to both.

I've been very depressed lately. I have been processing a lot of emotions from a year ago. It has hit me kind of hard. My new medication (I'm off Lithium finally!!!!!!) is sedating me (which contrary to popular thought makes things worse) and the intended effects won't kick in until almost October, so I'm kinda going solo here. I feel like one of the only things that I was ever good at, I am so ashamed of. I was really good at something, and I still get compliments on it occasionally. I'm proud of the skill but ashamed at how I acquired it and how I used it. I was prepared to be successful because I practiced almost everyday as a child. Its no thing a child should have to learn. I tried to use it for good and did for a while. Then, I found I could support my self and get off of pretty much living on the streets. I hated it while I was doing it. Yet I miss it terribly..... cuz it made me happy. I was successful, respected, looked up to, better than everyone else, and worth something. It was something that helped others in the long run and respected by powerful people. It was respected, honestly, cuz it is a dirty job. No one wants to do it. Not many can. And I was GOOD AT IT. Top of the line. I was ashamed that I was doing such as low level dirty job but went to sleep proud of myself every night that it I did it and I was one the best! I left willingly. I wanted to move up in the world. I didn't exactly make it.

When you don't have friends and family to give you that worth of a person, your career and your hobbies are almost everything to you. The people in your life mean pretty much everything, even if they are not the healthiest people for you in the world. I admit it... I'm jealous that I'm not mucking it with the best of them in one of the least desirable jobs in this country. I miss the people that were there for you no matter what when it got bad and you for them. Its like the brotherly love you have for your fellow soldiers. We were soldiers of civil service. The kind you don't hear about and spit upon when you do. Hated and respected by all. It comes complete with battle scars, stories, training, commanders and officers, missions and PTSD.

I'm looking for myself. Trying to find myself. My direction. I know where I am and I know who I am. But what am I? What do you do with yourself when you come back from the War and what you have been trained to be doesn't exist in civilian life?

Frustrated (Alex-Blue)

I feel like I'm spinning a lot of different plates. I decided to go up to Mesa College today. I had to turn in some paperwork by today to get my name changed in the rosters at school. I'm still fighting Mueller about that too. While I was there I wanted to find my classroom and the bookstore. I find that I have to take things in little bites or I get overwhelmed. I got overwhelmed. I found my classroom, then I stumbled upon the commons, and then went searching for the Bookstore. I should have stopped when I stumbled upon the commons. I'm dissociated and dizzy. My new medications don't help either because they are heavily sedating me. In a prefect world I would try to meet the teacher before class starts on Monday. I have a feeling that its going to be to much, with class and everything. One step at a time.

I am waiting on the test results for Lyme. I meet with my doctor on the 2nd of September. My brother and his girlfriend are going to be in town that week as well. In the meantime, I am really starting to struggle with what appears to be arthritis. It makes me worry about my career as a massage therapist. I sat down with the director of bodywork at Mueller and we talked about options and career paths. No matter how I fight it, life is pushing me towards energy work. I don't even believe in energy work!!!

I am becoming frustrated with my psychological team as well. I feel like I am not being respected because at least 6 different major diagnosis's have been thrown around/at me the past few weeks and I'm not getting much say in it. I will be meeting with the supervisor of my psychiatrist on Friday. Who knows what will happen. Everything could get sorted out or everything could go to shit.

Everything is about waiting now. Waiting for Disability insurance. Waiting to be able to start my business rolling. And, at the end of September I have an endocrinology appointment that I am hoping will get the ball rolling to start Testosterone. Hopefully I will have answers and information between now and then to be able to work with the physician more efficiently. Between now and then I will go on with my frustratingly starvation grain-free diet (sans corn) and adjusting to my new meds. Sedation, WHOOOOOOO! (not so good on the focusing on school and driving side of things).

Back to Basics

It comes full circle.... I saw my Naturopath today. She needed to talk/speak to me about something she found in my charts. Apparently my white blood cell counts are chronically low indicating an ongoing low level infection. We had assumed years ago that it was a result of inflammation from gluten. Then I updated her on the Aspergers and my frustration that my sore throat and sinus infection and yeast infection has not gone away despite the elimination of corn. This freaked her out and apparently "confirms" her suspicions. The two course antibiotic treatment I had taken for Lyme's Disease years ago probably did not eradicate it. So, she drew blood and is sending it to the lab to test for Lyme's.

I don't know how to describe my thoughts and feelings now. Exasperated is the closest I can come. I just want this to be over. At least I don't have psychosis anymore (thank you gluten elimination).

Letting Go (Alex-green)

I remember the first post I made on this blog when I started it. I remember quite visibly. I don't remember what I wrote exactly but it was something along the lines that this was going to document my time in Germany. The thing is.... when I wrote that, I didn't believe it. I knew this blog was going to be more than that. It was about me trying to find myself.

I was in my personal finance class and very very sick. I was sleeping more than usual and was a walking zombie for lack of sleep. Eventually the doctors said I had mono. Over time I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease, then hypoglycemia, then as a hypochondriac.... eventually Celiac Disease, adrenal problems, food allergies, depression, bipolar, trauma survivor, ptsd, anxiety disorders, and now Aspergers, Dysthymic Disorder, and ADD. I've been running for so long. Running away and running towards something. But I have been taking the new diagnoses better than I expected. To my benefit, I'm not suicidal or breaking down or malfunctioning in some way. Granted I haven't slept much in 2 days (actually all week) and haven't eaten either. I've been just processing.

I'm actually quite happy about it all. I feel surprisingly lighter now. The pieces to the puzzle have been found. So why am I grieving?

After a 2 day marathon of Hulu I actually stepped foot out of my apartment this evening. The sun was starting to go down and clarity came to me. I wondered what in the world I am doing in San Diego and how did I get here? What am I doing with my life now that I am not running anymore? Then it struck me.... I never made the conscious choice to move here. It was one of survival. I never asked myself if I wan't to move here. I'm free to go anywhere I want in this world. But if I stay here, then it has to be with purpose. A lot of anger, pain, grief from my past has been the subject of my dismay the past few days. It feels like to me a last hurrah.... I was sick as a child, and my mother took it out on me. Beat me, punished me, blackmailed me and my teachers, yelled at me, abused me. Let me be molested. Punished me for being serially raped. And my family always told me that "nothing was wrong with me" whenever I asked for help. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. My doctors believe that the Ausperger tendencies and much of everything else is probably a product of trauma and just manifests as an imitation of the plethora of psychiatric disorders I have now.

So, I'm saying my last goodbyes and finally letting go of the pain and anger that I have held for so long. If nothing else, I'm at least capable of making decisions and living for me now. I'm no longer on automatic pilot.

Guilt (vickie-orange)

Its been really bothering me lately that my ex has been doing really well in his job lately. The reason is that when we worked together last year, our office was a complete failure. Together, the two of us were some of the best fundraisers in the nation, and certainly on the west coast. But we couldn't successfully run the office or retain staff. Granted, it was in the middle of one of the worse recessions EVER and almost no office across the country was doing well either. Eventually, I took over much of the staffing and in-field training that was above my rank just to keep the office from being shut down. Later, I went on to use those skills to start a whole solar company and bring in over one-half million dollars in our first quarter.

We left the company together, he to another division and I to the solar company. A friend of his came to take over our office. For several months he didn't do well at all either. Then, things picked up and they have been doing awesome ever since. My ex, however went on to learn many valuable skills at this other position on the UCSD campus. Over the summers, however, he is required to run a fundraising office again. He is in Santa Cruz now, and is bringing in more money in a week than we managed in half a year. He is breaking all sorts of crazy records, and frankly, doing very very well.

So, why do I feel so terrible about it?

For some reason it makes me feel that the reason the office was such a failure last year was because of me. My presence (or lack thereof) is the biggest variable. But I guess logically that doesn't make sense. He has learned a lot and come a long way since last year and he deserves to finally be able to be successful at managing a fundraising office. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it, like his failures were my fault. Although he never did tell me why he broke up with me, somewhere in my gut, him blaming me for his failure to do his job well, although he never said it, probably had a bigger in his decision to leave me than most of the other fears and reasons I could come up with. That makes me very uncomfortable. That was something I never could understand about him or anyone else.... why people blamed others for their own problems.

Life (Bex-yellow)

Birds take flight

an endless array of possibility

to choose

to go

wherever they may

but evolutions cruel joke made

only one path

one way

one migratory route

to live and die by

a jail with invisible walls

an illusion of freedom

Bigender Comics (Alex- purple)

No tacos :*-( (Bex-yellow)

I've been getting really fed up with this whole adrenal problems, not sleeping, never feeling well bullshit. Finally ponied up my credit card (and I had finally paid it off too....) and went to see my Naturopathic Doctor.

Conclusion: the reason I am not getting better is because corn has gluten in it too. Not a lot, but enough that if you are super sensitive to GF oats, you will be sensitive to corn. Just last week I was telling my friends that if I ever moved out of San Diego I wouldn't be able to have tacos anymore and there would be no life after tacos. :-( I guess I spoke too soon.

So, i'm on a new adrenal support, a new corn-free diet, and a homeopathic detox/cleanse with gluten and casein enzymes. I'm not sure how to take this all, and process it. I LIVE off of corn. Corn, potatoes and rice. But, if it makes me better..... I'll give it a try.

Happy Pride weekend! (Bex-orange)

HAPPY PRIDE!

I went to the parade and had a great time. Unfortunately I didn't make it out to the festival or the clubs but my roommate and I strung up some gay and bi flags in front of our apartment. Not much else to say.

By the way... I LOVE my new transgender therapist. She is awesome. She has even worked with people who are bigender before. Somehow, that makes me feel more legitimate; that I'm not making it up. Its hard when I get tranny-hate mail messages on my blog here.

But on a positive note... my life is really starting to look positive. i've been through a lot these past 3 months with the trauma therapy. I feel like I am whole now and that I have control over my own life, AND a voice. I am what I make of myself and no one or nothing can bring me down like that again.

what gives people the right? (Bex- orange)

What gives people the right to get up in my face and question me about having short hair (or facial hair) or having an unusual name or something else so intensely that I have to choose whether I want come out to them as trans or lie? And then when I come out, they still push the envelope and want to know what my genitalia look like or who I'm sleeping with. REALLY? Do I have to have this conversation with my professor in front of all of my classmates? Do I really need to answer those kind of questions when it is adequately explained on the same internet page the picture is on that you are confused about? Is confronting me at a party when I'm having a good time in front of people I am NOT out to really the appropriate situation? And when you haven't talked to me in 3, 4, or 5 years... what gives you the right to ask me such intimate things and then judge me? And what give people the right to think I am deranged and mentally ill?

I'm frustrated. I wish some people would grow up.

What is Trauma Touch Therapy?

I only have one more session of Trauma Touch Therapy. People have been asking me, what is trauma touch? On a physical level, you are working with a therapist to reroute your nerves that go between your body and your brain and to retrain your brain to think in a way that is healthy and not misfiring from your traumatic past. Most people manifest trauma psycho-somatically if trauma has been left untreated for years via behavioral patterns and aches/pains/illness & disease. In addition, by going through skills sessions to learn boundaries and other important skills you build up a way to empower yourself and prevent trauma from impairing you again. It is essentially about waking up the systems in your body that protect you and make you feel good and help you be a productive person. Trauma Touch is about helping you help yourself, teaching you to do what you already know how to do, but forgot or may have never learned.

Anything can be trauma... even falling off a bike or an argument with a friend. We deal with dozens of "trauma's" every day. Think how amazing it is that we can deal with those every day, without even thinking about it! Its that .1% that gets through our defenses that can make us go haywire. Trauma hijacks the brain and the body and when unresolved the body is on the same "high alert" that it was in right after the original incident. It makes everything work off kilter and after many years, many things start malfunctioning in our bodies, brains, minds, emotions, and spirit.

After nearly completing the program, I feel like I used to have tunnel vision (and never realized it before) that tunneled right to the painful memories and emotions in an instant. Now they are just old memories, as benign as the last book I read. Lessons that I learned from and can finally move on from. I live more in the moment, the now and the future. I can enjoy things that I would give up my first born to avoid (like watching fireworks or being intimate with a lover). I feel stable and balanced and ready to enjoy each day as it comes. Aches and chronic pains and some food allergies are gone. Old injuries healed, bad posture corrected, and anxiety/PTSD symptoms are GONE too. Its mostly subtle inner changes though. My doctors say that nothing is different. But my dad says I'm "friendlier" and my moods have evened out. Addictions that I used to have I have no need for. I stopped and didn't realize I had stopped until long after. I feel wiser now. I can step back watch something with a small inner smile. I've stopped reacting to everything and now can plan and act.

For me, however, the deeper I got into the sessions, the more spiritual it became for me. I became much more connected to myself and I could feel my energy, my life force moving. I was so "stuck" before. Stuck in everything... from my view on life, to the way I moved by body, to being able to feel my emotions. Learning how to trust my body as it was adjusting and gaining skills and my energy moving around was challenging, but liberating. It started to change the way I interacted with the world. I started trusting providence to bring me what I need instead of always fighting. Listening to my body and what it needs led me to try doing the same with my energy, my spirit, within me. If that is driving all day to get to the beach or bringing home something at the grocery store that I've never seen before, I do, because it "feels right" and "feels like what I need". It has become a give and take. I let providence bring me what I need that I don't have and I go after the things that my body tells me I need that I can reach. It is crazy specific. I need money... I get money. I'm looking for the perfect roommate with a million specifications, and I get that perfect roommate. Sometimes its like a best friend that can fill in your sentences and I'm looking for something and I cant describe it or visualize it, but I can give a feeling. And the answer to what will produce what I want just shows up. I used this new process to design an exercise program... and its fun to do it! I don't have to think about "what to make for dinner" or mull over any decisions, even life changing one's it seems, because the perfect and ideal decision just happens. The more I practice with it, the more unbelievable it gets.

Ironically, as a chemist somehow all this crazy energy/providence stuff makes more sense than anything else I have ever encountered. The explanations, the whats and whys and hows, fit too perfectly into the models and atomic theories in my textbooks. Call me crazy.... but honestly, I feel like I have stepped into a whole new world. That is how much my paradigm has shifted.

Entering Summer (Bex-yellow)

I have been posting just as often as I used to.... but I have two blogs I update now, so I guess this one is only getting half the attention. Also, I'm finding a lot of balance in my life and have less need to work it out or share. My trauma touch therapy is over in just 2 more sessions. Trauma Touch has changed my life. I feel less stuck and have more vitality. I feel capable of active listening and feeling and observing the world; soaking it in and then responding, not just being in a constant reaction mode. I feel capable of speaking my mind and being more rational. I actually feel, both emotionally and physically and I am more sensitive and sensations and feelings are more nuanced. I feel like I am more connected with my body and have matured so much. Today's session was incredible, as was last week. Last week, I actually saw the chakra color of an area that is incredibly traumatized in me and we were working on. I didn't believe in chakras until that very moment. Today we were working on two other chakra energy centers and it felt like my organs were "coming online" as if the nerve connections were numbed out and suddenly I could FEEL my different organs. I have been experiencing a similar phenomenon with other parts of my body (skin, muscles, etc) for weeks now. As soon as my organs came "online" it was as if I were completely connected for the first time in decades and shortly thereafter, I felt like something shifted and a I felt like a "normal" person. I never realized that I didn't feel that way in the first place. It was if someone had cut open my stomach and my guts had spilled out and a doctor put them all back in and sewed me up and they shifted back to where they were "supposed" to be. You only know what that is when it happens, because suddenly it feels "right". With two more sessions left, I am curious to know what will happen.

This was also the first week of summer quarter. I have decided to present as a different gender for each of my three classes. I am also starting discussions with Mueller staff to design some sort of transgender policy. I am incredibly nervous about moving to a new campus this quarter (mid-way through). Apparently there are no gender neutral bathrooms like our current campuses have.

Tomorrow I am starting therapy with a transgender specialist. I am excited. This is starting a new, positive path for me. This is the path that will lead me to hormones and surgery if that is right for me. I find it interesting that of all the transgender people I have met.... none are like me. I am so unique. I find it interesting that even when I am something that is different, I am different even within that different group. Between my gender variance and trauma touch therapy... I feel like I have found my purpose and my calling. I don't know where I will end up or what I will be doing, but this is what I need to do. I realized today while doing my homework for business class that the only thing that will prevent me from doing this anything in my life is my own fear. I have over come so much, and I am building the tools to face pretty much anything else now.

One of my friends is also getting married tomorrow and I am giving her a massage in the morning after my transgender appointment. I hope I am Vickie tomorrow... because I don't have any clothes to wear to the wedding that are not Vickie clothes..... yet.

fucking Salt (Alex-green)

I think I figured out why I have been having insomnia! Its partially the bipolar meds (lithium... a salt/metal) and partially that my adrenal glands are fucked up.

The adrenal cortex (the outer layer of the adrenal gland) produces 3 main types of chemicals/hormones.

Those hormones are:

1) Cortisol/Cortisone

2) Mineralcorticoids

3) Angdrogens

Now here is the fun part. Cortisol is the "stress hormone" and cortisone is essentially the same chemical. Its the stuff you can get at CVS in a creme to rub on your skin for pain, itching, and inflammation. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am ALWAYS stressed out, mostly for no reason. And, I'm always numb to pain. When I get contaminated from gluten, my inflammation is SUPER low.

Mineralcorticoids regulate the salt levels in your body and balance how much water you have. Too much can lead to swelling. To little leads to dehydration. Improper salt levels impact your ability to metabolize sugar manifesting as a pseudo-diabetes and/or hypoglycemia. The metals that are embedded in salts are essential for everything from moving your muscles to absorbing other nutrients in your gut after you eat. I've got all of the above.

Androgens are the sex hormones. The primary androgen produced in the Adrenal Glands is DHEA which is a precursor to creating testosterone in the body. I have a super high DHEA level.

I've always had problems with this, but they have gotten significantly worse when I started taking Lithium Carbonate, a lithium salt, for my bipolar. The higher the dosage, the more problems I had. I found that taking high dosages of other minerals helped balance out that high lithium load. But I'm getting to the point that I would MUCH rather resolve what is causing it in the first place. Oh I wish I had health insurance!

Guilt (vickie- red)

So, something I don't understand. There is this huge social stigma to be "normal". Things like mental illness or anything "perceived" as mental illness (like transgenderism or being gay) automatically makes you an outcast. When something goes wrong people always blame it on the fact that you are "sick" and tell you "you need help" or "go see a therapist". So my question is, why then, if you actually do start helping yourself, why is actually getting "help" like a social taboo. Those who are "normal" treat you like shit for doing therapy and many of those who "suffer" like you, think you are betraying them. And if you actually manage to "fix" yourself, you can never really come clean about where you were and what you went through without being see as only the outcast you once were?

Why are people like that? Its a catch 22.

Last night my roommate had an emotional explosion on me. I think she was under the impression that if she left for the weekend, when she came back everything would be fine and I wouldn't be pushing her out the door. I found someone else to rent the room and I asked her to move out by friday, which is one week later than we had originally agreed on. From here, it was "why to you hate me?" and "I'll be homeless because I won't be able to find a place" and "I care about you, I'm the only one that you have" and more and when all that didn't work.... then in started the attacks. She ranted that "no one respects you... your last roommate, your ex-boyfriend, your parents, I'm the only one that cares about you!" to "you never told me you were sick in the head when you moved in!" and "I never knew that you were trans" (I put that in the craigslist ad) and "we were best friends, just yesterday, I don't understand what changed!" and more.

It definiately stung because I have heard this so many times from so many people over the years. And I always believed them, that I was a piece of shit, a lier, someone who made others miserable because of what I am/said/did, and I'm so mentally sick that I have no right to say or think the things that I want. This time was the first time I managed to separate myself from it all, take step back, and use reason. I am proud of myself. I feel I have done the right thing. I have done nothing malicious. It is not my fault that she is not willing or capable to talk rationally. Its hard because I have been in her shoes. I know very keenly how she is thinking, feeling, reacting to all this. I know her part better than mine right now. My part is living for myself. Respect for myself and others.

But I feel very keenly guilty for all the pain and misery I have caused myself and others while I suffered for so long and no one had enough compassion to help me help myself. I gently offered compassion to my roommate. I know how it feels when someone tries to force it on you. But if you don't want it, or you are not ready for it, you can't receive it.

I'm becoming a new person. Trauma Touch is helping me become the person I have always been underneath. I guess my only choice it to keep running towards freedom and remember that looking back is not part of my job description now.

Peace (Bex- green)

Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in you heart. - unknown

Blogger redid all of their templates.... so I have a new background now!

I normally feel this drive to blog every few days. But I haven't this week. Its been the last week of practice before my final exams next week for massage class. I rented a table to practice all weekend and I managed to string up some sheets in my apartment to make an awesome little massage room. I also got a fish! .... and really dumb little water frog too. I've been slowly working through all the money I got 10 days ago. Its like the more money you have, the less you seem to have to get what you want. Why is that?

I decided to kick out my roommate. I didn't get that far though before she got all panicky on me and decided I must be throwing her out on the street and chose her own date to move out (sooner than what I was intending!) I found an awesome new roomie who is genderqueer and we have a ton of things in common. So, I'm hoping for the best! *sigh*.....again.

I bought a light box to help with my insomnia that I have been struggling with. I realized that when I moved into a different room in my apartment I wasn't getting as much sunlight anymore. My sleeping health bombed about the same time which of course impacted everything else! The light box as bulbs that imitate the sun.... yay! I got it on Ebay and it is shipping from Florida, so it might be a while.

Its been really nice to get some things (clothes, wigs, shoes... yea, I totally got elevator shoes for when I am alex!, etc) that help me transition from one gender to the other. Its made my stress levels much lower this week. I also have been working really hard to lower my anxiety and that has helped with the sleeping. I'm actually getting 8 hours now (now just rooting for the quality part with the light box)! Trauma Touch Therapy is making such a huge impact for me too that I am realizing that I have never experienced happiness like this before. Just simply being content through the day is euphoric.

Sorry that this is not insightful and is like an update essay. Better something than nothing, right?

Happy Birthday to ME! (Bex-black)

happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me! happy birthday dear meeeeeeeee. Happy birthday to me!

It was my birthday yesterday!

Seeing that all my friends were co-workers and most have been relocated to other parts of the country or they are uncomfortable around me because of my gender identity or bipolar.... I spent my birthday weekend mostly alone. But you know what? It was the best fucking b-day EVA! (yea I just said eva. if that bothers you go read another blog).

Thursday, 5 months worth of unemployment checks cleared my bank account (I won my case against the unemployment board) so it was a happy day. I've never been so (albeit briefly) rich! I visited all my favorite grocery stores and bought only the most exotic food i could find, or things I've never had before. Then I paid all my bills, my entire car insurance policy, and paid off ALL of my debt from the 3 maxed out credit cards I own! WOOOOOOOO! There was still some to spare.

Friday I drove north along the coast and visited the beautiful rolling hills of Carlsbad. Then later I went out to eat at my favorite Mexican taco place. Then took the trolley downtown for the evening and hung out.

Saturday I went out to lunch at a Persian restaurant with my dad and his partner (it was sooooo good) and then we had birthday cake later on (gluten free, dairy free, yeast free, soy free red velvet.... amazingly good as well). Then I went out shopping at Target and Ross where I got some clothes and cooking stuff and an ipod. That evening I went out dressed as Alex in my new clothes. Ended up at a gay dance club (strippers and bar included). They were hosting a cross-dressing theme and a drag show. It was wild, to say the least.

Sunday (D-day!... both metaphorically and literally. Its a terrible date to be born on.) I slept in. Took a shower and got dressed up in heels, my Vickie wig, a bright orange African hand purse and a bright yellow peasant shirt. I had breakfast somewhere around 2 in the afternoon at my favorite Thai restaurant where I had soup and read a book: a 400 pg literary "review" of Fitzgerald and Hemingway. Came home and went to a second hand shop and got some more clothes (for Alex.... btw... it is difficult to try on clothes for a gender that you are not "in". its disorienting) and came home trying to figure out how to widen my shoulders. I went off to Jo Ann fabrics and got womens shoulder pads and impulsively bought a pattern and cloth to make an apron. Came home, changed into my new Alex ensemble, my roommate came home and freaked out that my boobs were gone, I made pizza (see my post

on my other blog), watched one of my favorite tv shows (ReGenisis) and called it a night.

It was a really good weekend!

Scales (Alex- purple)

Sex: 1

Gender: 7

Gender Expression: 12

Sexuality: 16

Obama Makes June LGBT Month!! (Alex-purple)

Awesome news! Check this out....

Obama Declares June LGBT Month | News | Advocate.com