Wow, what a week! (Alex)

I got my decision from Social Security on my disability today! DENIED! I plan on repealing with the new information from the Lyme Disease. I'm kinda glad though, because I need the extra money from unemployment for my doctors and if I went on disability, I would have a substantial decrease in income. Its been quite a week. A tough one emotionally, but I got through it nearly 100% in tact and I learned a lot about myself. I'm glad it is over. I've got the weekend to do homework, catch up with friends, and get some much needed relaxation and recuperation. I might even go for a bike ride after I set up the pots and pans drum set on the kitchen floor! Its NEVER too late to be a kid!

Local Lyme Advocate! (Alex)

Check out this link to a 5 minute clip on lyme disease. Local San Diego 6 News reporter is a survivor of lyme's disease. She is now an advocate and attended a Lyme disease awareness walk last saturday (that i was unaware of) here in San Diego.

http://www.sandiego6.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?articleID=854170

Looking a the pictures on Facebook of the event really made me realize that I am not alone. I may have lost everything, but there are thousands out there that are going through the same thing. I look forward to the day when I can wear a t-shirt that says "I survived", too! Those pictures also made me realize that for many, death is preferable to living a life with lyme. I don't mean to sound fatalistic. Lyme is a TERRIBLE thing. It makes me so angry that people don't understand the severity. Its like having cancer and doctors telling you that you are making it up and that you are crazy because they can't diagnose it for years. Imagine going through cancer without any support from family or friends or society because no one had heard of it. I am forever thankful to be under the care of my naturopath that is helping me get better by leaps and bounds. I have hope for the first time. <3

Boyfriend with Health Benefits (Vickie- red)

This is amazing. hehe. I can't say I'm entirely innocent of actually doing this either...... :-/

New Direction (Vickie- purple)

I've been seriously considering stopping blogging the past month or so. I've been getting an increasing number of "anonymous" hate comments on my blog here. Today I got another one and it really made me upset because it was worded in a way that sounds like someone from my family wrote it. In the spirit of Mathew Shepard and yesterday being National Coming Out Day, and today's events revolving around that, I have decided not to let hate defeat me.

Mesa College, where I have started taking some classes, is trying to start up an LGBT group on campus. I went to their meeting and there was like 12 people there (and it was their 3rd ever!) and 3 of us were trans! In honor of yesterday being Nat'l Coming Out Day, we did a round table on our coming out experiences. It was an amazing experience for me because I have never shared that before, nor heard other stories first hand. It made me feel like I wasn't the only one who had suffered at the hands of homophobic towns or schools or religions or parents. But also, many (if not most) had utterly happy and peaceful coming out experiences which made me very very happy.

Mathew Shepard was a college student in Wyoming that was brutally murdered because he was gay. In light of that, the news and media have been talking about scores of young LGBT that have suffered abuse and hate; bullying and being driven to suicide in the past few weeks. I may get a few hateful messages here, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm genderqueer and proud to be part of the LGBT community. I'm also thankful that I have wonderful doctors and therapists that are helping me recover from Lymes Disease, which is no less traumatic than having cancer. I need to reach out into the Lymes community for help and support. I'm not going to be bothered by idiots that dare challenge me that I am "just fine" living sick. Anyone who cares about me would want me healthy and happy.... even if it was JUST an imagined illness.

Its been an amazing week so far. I've reconnected with the Rotary club and plan to get very active in the group, perhaps even being president next year. Yesterday I ran into Bastyr college at Mesa and decided to finally follow my dream of going there. And I am going to have fun playing with body paint with my friends on Thursday and go to free Qigong lessons in Balboa Park next Saturday. I see Dr. Mazza next week and I am going to ask her for approval to start Testosterone. I think I want to start sooner rather than later. I want to change my life NOW. Do the things I've always wanted to do. I only have today to live and tomorrow to dream about. I don't want to wait anymore and always put shoulds in front of wants. I don't live under an authoritarian life/fun sucker anymore. I live under my own authority.

Flashback (Bex- yellow)

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up and my energy was a mess. It was "processing" but not right. This morning it was wet and rainy and I felt "damp". I am a fire sign/person, so I lit candles and made some tea and recharged. When i got in the shower, I had a flashback of when I was shaken and hit and trapped in a corner. It was really scary. I spent several hours afterwards working it out and using the skills I have worked so hard to gain this past year from Trauma Touch therapy, from school, from DBT, and from my own intuition. I can't say I enjoyed the process of letting it process.... but I am feeling much better and feel like it actually DID process, and not re-traumatize me. That is a HUGE step. I have never accomplished that before. I know that the massage triggered it. I don't know what I expected or intended from working from a massage therapist, but I do feel that this is the right thing to do. Even just a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have been able to do this.

One thing that has really helped recently is that I got a mugwort plant. It is like the shaman of the plant world. Its pretty awesome. It is a protector plant and has a strong spirit and dispels bad spirits and energy. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting in the presence of a plant that is emanating smiley faces in the air. Its so cool. I wish I got more sunlight in my apartment because I would totally keep a Venus Fly Trap too.

I feel much more optimistic about my next massage now than I did last night. Its been a pretty powerful process this past 12 hours. I'm also glad that I'm doing this every 2 weeks. I need the time in between to fully process anything that happens.

Vickie- purple

I've made the decision to start getting massage. I figure, I need to be comfortable receiving massage before I can BE a massage therapist. My goal is to work with someone that can help me with my somatic issues and build up trust. My naturopath, Dr. Mazza, recommended a friend of her's that is also an MD in mexico. We had an appointment this evening. He did a mostly Tu'i Na session (which is kinda like the Asian version of Swedish with a bit of deep tissue). I set out clear boundaries, and he (mostly) followed them... nothing bad, just stuff I wasn't clear enough on. I figure that this is going to take a few (or more) sessions to be comfortable with, even just the concept of getting a massage.

This is a scary step for me. The way Mueller handled my trauma history ended up giving me severe PTSD. At least I know what I need to do to.

Vickie- purple

I had a really good session with my therapist today. For the first time in a long time, I feel like someone is one my side, and can actually help me climb out of this hell hole I live in. For the first time I have hope that the terrible things people did to me for 18 years won't haunt me in my dreams anymore and won't make me scream in terror when I am awake.

Fuck you all that made me ruin my life.

I've also realized something. I'm terrified of sitting in silence when someone else is in the room/apartment/house. The only time I ever experienced silence growing up was when I was about to be assaulted. Thats cuz the TVs and radio were turned off whenever something was about to happen.

Malaise (Bex-black)

The stage of Lyme disease I'm currently suffering with directly correlates to Tertiary Syphilis. Its crazy how similar the two diseases are. But it makes sense, since both are similar "bugs". I'm not on the Venus Fly Trap anymore because it is in a suspension of ethanol that is making me sick. So, right now I've been loading up on vitamins and minerals like zinc and Vit. A. I am back on the detox homeopathics and also one for arthritis. (btw.... I cannot believe how painful arthritis is!) I'm starting to get boils all over me, which means I have a deep, systemic infection and my immune system can't keep up. I hope that tomorrow I can start taking micro-nutrients that are formulated to combat Lymes. Meanwhile, I'm struggling with a bad herxheimer reaction to the homeopathics and a cold.

The weather here has been kinda crazy. It was over 100F (it was 105F when I was at school) on Monday. Its been thunder and rain all day today. I can't remember the last time there was this much variation in the weather here in San Diego. It's nice.

I'm officially a full time student now! 11 credits at Mueller and 5 at Mesa. At the moment I'm feeling over whelmed, but I'm sure it will get better in a few weeks.

I got a whole bunch of new fish last week... one died today. :-( They are little guppies. I got another frog too for the tank. I think I might need to get a hood and filter for the whole thing. I had 3 colored ones and two golden ones (a different species). The colored ones keep chasing and biting the golden ones. Now a gold one is dead. I don't know what is going on.

I've got a new roommate.... again. *sigh*

I've been seeing my gender therapist for almost 3 months now. She has had me join group therapy to... DBT. So, I'm in DBT again. I don't like it much better than before, but we will see where it goes and hopefully it gets better. She wants to make me open up about some of my trauma history at our next appointment, which is Friday. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Mostly not good ones.

I've been watching the TV show Bones on DVD lately. Its easier just to get lost and check out in the show than reality sometimes. I don't feel pain when I check out. And now that UCSD has started up again, Adam is back in San Diego running the calpirg office. All I can think about is how much I want to be part of the pirg chapters and that i want to prove that I am good enough to get into UCSD. When I do, I intend on being chapter chair and doing something for that chapter that he is just not capable of doing. Make it successful.

Shards (Alex-blue)

I've kinda been disappointed in myself the past few months or so because I haven't been posting a whole lot about my gender these days. Its been as if I have this mind set that posting about my genders has to be some paradigm shifting thought or something. Also, that when I post about my genders.... it should be about discovering something about one of them, not about them as a whole. A fellow poster at bigender.org refers to his/her genders as "shards" as in shards of glass, because s/he sees each gender as a shard of a mirror. It prompted me to think about my own "shards".

At one point in my life, I did feel like I was like a mirror, often shattering apart and then being glued back together. I felt powerful and capable and complete when I was glued together. But then I would fall apart again. I would feel lost and wondering what happened and where did who I was go?

For me, it took me 23 years to realize that when i felt that way (complete and capable), I was experiencing a whole different gender state and not a place that was "finally me and finally whole!". it was something entirely unique. It was not really me gluing the mirror back together, rather, it was finding a few pieces big enough that I could see myself in as a whole. It energized me and made me feel on top of the world. I finally did break the cycle of feeling complete and capable to feeling fragmented and confused and lost. But at that time, I tried everything to get a fix to make me feel good again. It made me feel like if I didn't somehow get all my energy back and be on full energy (like I did when I felt "put together") then I would never feel stable and happy and complete and healthy.

It has been taking a long time to figure out what exactly it means to be a gender that is not female or male and to come to terms that this is just a part of me, not an ideal place. I eventually learned that for me, the mirror was my surface layer and there was something beneath that was a core and didn't change and I could tap into it whenever I wanted. It was earth shattering for me. I found the strength and the thread I needed to not feel fragmented and lost. It stabilized me. My 3rd gender feels at times like it is the closest to my life force, my core, because I don't feel constrained to what I should be, or do, or think, or whatever as male or female. I can incorporate all that I love about male and female and it makes me feel more whole. Thus, my 3rd gender is my "comfort" zone. My comfort gender. But it is not my core. It is different. And that surprised me even more when I really started trying to figure out what my core was. I found out, yet again, that my 3rd gender is not something that I pass through on my way from male to female and vice versa or when I feel fragmented or complete like I once thought. Its a complete gender on it's own. I definitely do know that if I feel "broken" or don't feel "stable" I can not just "hide" or be another gender while it all works out. I'm not a split person, I am a whole one, and so when something goes wrong I suffer as a whole person, and in all my gender-modes. But the more I learn to understand that each of my genders are their own emotional beings, the more I can grow as a core person, as a WHOLE core, because I am growing as a person from multiple vantage points in life.

Often, I will find that learning to live with more than one gender is about learning who you are on the inside and determining what that means when presenting yourself and interacting with the outside world. Some days I feel like I am going through what most toddlers go through- discovering themselves and the world. I remind myself to take it slow and one day at a time. Children are children for a while, and the stage i am in is not fully grown. I know that if I have a really big break-through for one of my genders emotionally (ie: understanding something fundamental about myself as a certain gender, etc) it tends to affect all my gender-modes. I feel unified in a way, and fully charged, and powerful again like I used to, but I know its going to be fleeting. I have to remind myself that I need to process whatever it was and let it take it's time and my other genders need to process it too. When I am really struggling with something emotionally as one gender, even when I am not fully aware of it, that is when I tend to feel disconnected again. I am prone to anxiety and depression and to be honest, just going crazy when all this happens.

I find writing very helpful to sort it all out when I'm feeling "off" in any way, even when I can't figure out why. That is why I blog here. It helps bring to the surface a lot and stabilizes me. I also try to find things that "ground" me emotionally for each gender. For example, my male gender really likes books and cycling. So I make a point to keep things out (like books, and my boxers have cyclers on them, etc) to remind myself who I am. My energy needs it and it keeps me charged on my own source instead of resorting to drugs or something worse to get my fix again. I still struggle with that. (It has gotten SO much better after working with an energy worker- the trauma touch therapist-for 12 weeks though. She straightened me out a lot.) I have also been discovering that following my intuition is really important too. Call it "the secret", the life force, divination, whatever.... if i don't, I usually start to not feel well. Its like life saying "I told you so!, you should have listened to me....". lol i'm a science guy/gal and to be honest really struggle to let myself believe and trust in such things. but the more I fight, the more I realize that I just need to let my energy guide me to what I need.

Lately, I have started to see myself more comprehensively. It is as if the more separate and independent I allow each gender to present themselves on the outside, the more whole I feel on the inside. I feel more comfortable with myself and each gender is a counterweight, a balance, to me being the healthy, happy person I want to be. Now, when something happens that concerns just one gender, it is something unusual. Each of my genders, granted, have their own emotional being, but if I'm angry about something, I might be angrier when I am male, for example, but I feel it as 3rd and female too. Long ago, if something happened to me, I would only process it (or mostly) through one gender. So when I was raped, and I only processed it through my male and 3rd gender, it is no wonder that I am only now just working through it as a female. My energy is "untangled" now, as my trauma therapist says now. It flows straight. It isn't knotted anymore. The energy doesn't get bottled up in places and/or blocked anymore.

A lot of my experience now is feeling my energy and emotions and thoughts, etc flow through each of my genders/emotional beings and processing through them. I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to have something happen and only need to process it once, cuz in my world I have to do it 3 times. But then again, I get to learn from life from three different angles. I'm a more well rounded individual. It can be a lot of work too though, I will admit. But it is starting to be a comfortable place for me. I'm slowly finding myself and putting the shards back together into a complete piece of glass. Who knows how many more smaller shards are left, but I do know that the big ones are put together now and I can for the first time see myself in the reflection.

Beach (Vickie-red)

I came across this photo and thought to myself, thats a beach. Kinda pretty. The blogger was going on about how she wishes she lived by a beach like this. Then I realized.... I DO live near a beach like this. But I don't really go to beaches. I don't like the ocean. But, I just wanted to share (and rub it in a bit) that it IS in fact there.

I've probably been to the beach 4 times in the 3 years I've lived here. Maybe I will go tomorrow since I finished my homework and don't have school....

Spoons

a friend of mine sent me an awesome story. Enjoy!

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

Lyme Disease (Alex-Blue)

The king of viral infections of HIV/AIDS.

The king of body malfunctions is Cancer.

The king of bacterial infections.... Lyme Disease. Actually, its probably a Queen. But does it matter?

Tests came back positive today. I'm being put on a tincture of Venus Fly Trap. (Its illegal to import because it can cure cancer, just like RIFE machines.) There are few options for me right now. Goal: strengthen immune system. Support liver. Detox body. Hope for the best.

Someday (Alex-blue)

I worry that I won't ever find someone.... a partner(s). I imagine conversations all the time, running through my head about what I would say if someone was interested in me. About my disabilities, my genders, my diet. I watch movies like "Rain Man" and see myself in the main character. I read complicated technical books and get happily lost in them, but I can't stand shows like "Mad Men" or even talk to my professor and understand the face she gives me.... because I don't get it. I don't understand the drama. I see shows like Mad Men or the Office rife with sexism and racism with women and men trailing after each others crotches and debating how to screw over some guy so that his family ends up on the street homeless and without food. Why is that entertaining?

I think of all the great and wonderful things i have done that few people can say they have accomplished and/or survived. I'm 23 and already come with heavy baggage. I'm sensitive and particular. Seclusive. Needy. I want that safe feeling of being safe in a space with someone I trust. I need someone to understand that I get freaked out if someone touches and can spend hours watching fan blades and running water and flashing lights and details in the leaves of trees and blades of grass, lost in the symphonies of Hayden or Mozart or Verdi. I will talk for hours about genomic structures and how I made my latest dinner dish and my plans to someday own my own business or the architecture & culture of Europe, past and present. I am fascinated that abstraction and math and music and art and physics all converge into the wondrous and mysterious image and can be calculated and depicted and mesmerizing but please don't ask me to calculate it because the numbers and symbols will jump all over the page or go missing. It is not that I can't solve the problem, it is that my brain keeps seeing the wrong problems and solving those ones.

I'm possessive and don't like people touching or taking my stuff. I expect people to follow the rules and treat each other with respect. There are social rules too! I put a lot of effort to follow them and I expect others to do the same towards me. I get angry and confused when people are shallow about anything.... fads, life, hobbies, putting on a mask for society, lying to make things "easier". All people deserve to live their lives not impinged on by others. Social Justice is for all, not a few. Greed makes little sense to me either. Or wanting absolute power and control. I need to control everything. Control my environment, my life. But why would someone want so much power that they hurt others and continue to do so, even when they know they are doing so?

I want someone to share my life with. I need a family. A family that cares about my wellbeing through deeds and words, not just sentiment. I need people in my life that care about my wellbeing. Not people that are not what they seem like or say on the surface. I don't get that. Life is already too complicated.... why make it more so?

Lately I've been giving up on the constant anxiety and tension to do/try what I know is "normal". I try so hard. It was indoctrinated into me. I can't be "weird" I was told. But I want to stop doing that. It feels like a double edge sword. It feels like admitting that I loose my inheritance to "normalcy" and admitting that I am some psychiatric case. But I don't believe I am. Most of the time. I just don't want others to think I am. I just want to be me. Live out my desires and not constantly tailor them to think... if I do this or say that will people look at me funny? I know how to act normal. But I don't want to do that anymore. I'm giving up on that.

Muscle tone (Alex- blue)

I have a problem.

I am loosing feeling, sensation and control of my muscles. I can't move them. I can't feel my body. My sensation is dull. I can dig my nail into my body and hardly feel it. Some places tingle. I can tense major muscle groups (in most part of my body--- in some I can't at all). I can not relax any muscle voluntarily.

This has been getting progressively worse for over a month. I've been much worse than this and God, I really don't want to get that bad. But it is progressing steadily. I feel desperate and I am watching and feeling myself loose sensation and control. Desperation to feel something. Desperation to move. Desperation to relax so that the tense muscles aren't always twitching.

I've taken the Calcium and Magnesium, etc. I've taken the pain meds, the sedatives, the muscle relaxers.... nothing works. And I can't feel my body. I'm turning into a fluffy cotton ball feeling. Why is this happening to ME?!?!?!

What am I? (Bex-yellow)

I don't like the ocean. Or the desert. It presents a problem when one lives in San Diego. None-the-less, I have a habit of wanting to go out on Saturday nights, and actually interact with people! I'm learning to use my new Asperger strategies to good use. Normally I just walk around Hillcrest or Downtown. I rarely work up the courage to go IN places. But it is fun to look at buildings and people at night. They look different at night.

Tonight I didn't go out out. I went to the beach. I normally leave at around 10pm on Saturdays, so I got in my car and went to Dog Beach in Ocean Beach. Let me remind you... I don't like the ocean. I just wanted to go somewhere. I needed to clear my head. I started walking along the water's edge. One of the reasons I don't like the ocean is because it is so loud.... and so ANGRY sounding. I watched for a while. I tried to remember all the times I had come to the ocean. Whale watches, school trips, hiking trips, Oaxaca Mexico. I realized that despite my aversion to the ocean it had left a huge mark on my life; changes. I walked to the pier and then back. I watched the ocean at the pier for a while and contemplated that the ocean was so angry and it never stopped. Chaos kept rolling; never ending. The waves slowly fizzed out and rolled onto shore and left a mark on the sand.... that with time will eventually lift/evaporate away. My life I guess is kinda like that.

After a while on walking on the waters edge again (mostly to avoid the fire rings with people further up from the tides) I realized I was walking between the chaos of my life and the social life I always wanted. I walked between and was yet so close to both.

I've been very depressed lately. I have been processing a lot of emotions from a year ago. It has hit me kind of hard. My new medication (I'm off Lithium finally!!!!!!) is sedating me (which contrary to popular thought makes things worse) and the intended effects won't kick in until almost October, so I'm kinda going solo here. I feel like one of the only things that I was ever good at, I am so ashamed of. I was really good at something, and I still get compliments on it occasionally. I'm proud of the skill but ashamed at how I acquired it and how I used it. I was prepared to be successful because I practiced almost everyday as a child. Its no thing a child should have to learn. I tried to use it for good and did for a while. Then, I found I could support my self and get off of pretty much living on the streets. I hated it while I was doing it. Yet I miss it terribly..... cuz it made me happy. I was successful, respected, looked up to, better than everyone else, and worth something. It was something that helped others in the long run and respected by powerful people. It was respected, honestly, cuz it is a dirty job. No one wants to do it. Not many can. And I was GOOD AT IT. Top of the line. I was ashamed that I was doing such as low level dirty job but went to sleep proud of myself every night that it I did it and I was one the best! I left willingly. I wanted to move up in the world. I didn't exactly make it.

When you don't have friends and family to give you that worth of a person, your career and your hobbies are almost everything to you. The people in your life mean pretty much everything, even if they are not the healthiest people for you in the world. I admit it... I'm jealous that I'm not mucking it with the best of them in one of the least desirable jobs in this country. I miss the people that were there for you no matter what when it got bad and you for them. Its like the brotherly love you have for your fellow soldiers. We were soldiers of civil service. The kind you don't hear about and spit upon when you do. Hated and respected by all. It comes complete with battle scars, stories, training, commanders and officers, missions and PTSD.

I'm looking for myself. Trying to find myself. My direction. I know where I am and I know who I am. But what am I? What do you do with yourself when you come back from the War and what you have been trained to be doesn't exist in civilian life?

Frustrated (Alex-Blue)

I feel like I'm spinning a lot of different plates. I decided to go up to Mesa College today. I had to turn in some paperwork by today to get my name changed in the rosters at school. I'm still fighting Mueller about that too. While I was there I wanted to find my classroom and the bookstore. I find that I have to take things in little bites or I get overwhelmed. I got overwhelmed. I found my classroom, then I stumbled upon the commons, and then went searching for the Bookstore. I should have stopped when I stumbled upon the commons. I'm dissociated and dizzy. My new medications don't help either because they are heavily sedating me. In a prefect world I would try to meet the teacher before class starts on Monday. I have a feeling that its going to be to much, with class and everything. One step at a time.

I am waiting on the test results for Lyme. I meet with my doctor on the 2nd of September. My brother and his girlfriend are going to be in town that week as well. In the meantime, I am really starting to struggle with what appears to be arthritis. It makes me worry about my career as a massage therapist. I sat down with the director of bodywork at Mueller and we talked about options and career paths. No matter how I fight it, life is pushing me towards energy work. I don't even believe in energy work!!!

I am becoming frustrated with my psychological team as well. I feel like I am not being respected because at least 6 different major diagnosis's have been thrown around/at me the past few weeks and I'm not getting much say in it. I will be meeting with the supervisor of my psychiatrist on Friday. Who knows what will happen. Everything could get sorted out or everything could go to shit.

Everything is about waiting now. Waiting for Disability insurance. Waiting to be able to start my business rolling. And, at the end of September I have an endocrinology appointment that I am hoping will get the ball rolling to start Testosterone. Hopefully I will have answers and information between now and then to be able to work with the physician more efficiently. Between now and then I will go on with my frustratingly starvation grain-free diet (sans corn) and adjusting to my new meds. Sedation, WHOOOOOOO! (not so good on the focusing on school and driving side of things).

Back to Basics

It comes full circle.... I saw my Naturopath today. She needed to talk/speak to me about something she found in my charts. Apparently my white blood cell counts are chronically low indicating an ongoing low level infection. We had assumed years ago that it was a result of inflammation from gluten. Then I updated her on the Aspergers and my frustration that my sore throat and sinus infection and yeast infection has not gone away despite the elimination of corn. This freaked her out and apparently "confirms" her suspicions. The two course antibiotic treatment I had taken for Lyme's Disease years ago probably did not eradicate it. So, she drew blood and is sending it to the lab to test for Lyme's.

I don't know how to describe my thoughts and feelings now. Exasperated is the closest I can come. I just want this to be over. At least I don't have psychosis anymore (thank you gluten elimination).

Letting Go (Alex-green)

I remember the first post I made on this blog when I started it. I remember quite visibly. I don't remember what I wrote exactly but it was something along the lines that this was going to document my time in Germany. The thing is.... when I wrote that, I didn't believe it. I knew this blog was going to be more than that. It was about me trying to find myself.

I was in my personal finance class and very very sick. I was sleeping more than usual and was a walking zombie for lack of sleep. Eventually the doctors said I had mono. Over time I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease, then hypoglycemia, then as a hypochondriac.... eventually Celiac Disease, adrenal problems, food allergies, depression, bipolar, trauma survivor, ptsd, anxiety disorders, and now Aspergers, Dysthymic Disorder, and ADD. I've been running for so long. Running away and running towards something. But I have been taking the new diagnoses better than I expected. To my benefit, I'm not suicidal or breaking down or malfunctioning in some way. Granted I haven't slept much in 2 days (actually all week) and haven't eaten either. I've been just processing.

I'm actually quite happy about it all. I feel surprisingly lighter now. The pieces to the puzzle have been found. So why am I grieving?

After a 2 day marathon of Hulu I actually stepped foot out of my apartment this evening. The sun was starting to go down and clarity came to me. I wondered what in the world I am doing in San Diego and how did I get here? What am I doing with my life now that I am not running anymore? Then it struck me.... I never made the conscious choice to move here. It was one of survival. I never asked myself if I wan't to move here. I'm free to go anywhere I want in this world. But if I stay here, then it has to be with purpose. A lot of anger, pain, grief from my past has been the subject of my dismay the past few days. It feels like to me a last hurrah.... I was sick as a child, and my mother took it out on me. Beat me, punished me, blackmailed me and my teachers, yelled at me, abused me. Let me be molested. Punished me for being serially raped. And my family always told me that "nothing was wrong with me" whenever I asked for help. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. My doctors believe that the Ausperger tendencies and much of everything else is probably a product of trauma and just manifests as an imitation of the plethora of psychiatric disorders I have now.

So, I'm saying my last goodbyes and finally letting go of the pain and anger that I have held for so long. If nothing else, I'm at least capable of making decisions and living for me now. I'm no longer on automatic pilot.

Guilt (vickie-orange)

Its been really bothering me lately that my ex has been doing really well in his job lately. The reason is that when we worked together last year, our office was a complete failure. Together, the two of us were some of the best fundraisers in the nation, and certainly on the west coast. But we couldn't successfully run the office or retain staff. Granted, it was in the middle of one of the worse recessions EVER and almost no office across the country was doing well either. Eventually, I took over much of the staffing and in-field training that was above my rank just to keep the office from being shut down. Later, I went on to use those skills to start a whole solar company and bring in over one-half million dollars in our first quarter.

We left the company together, he to another division and I to the solar company. A friend of his came to take over our office. For several months he didn't do well at all either. Then, things picked up and they have been doing awesome ever since. My ex, however went on to learn many valuable skills at this other position on the UCSD campus. Over the summers, however, he is required to run a fundraising office again. He is in Santa Cruz now, and is bringing in more money in a week than we managed in half a year. He is breaking all sorts of crazy records, and frankly, doing very very well.

So, why do I feel so terrible about it?

For some reason it makes me feel that the reason the office was such a failure last year was because of me. My presence (or lack thereof) is the biggest variable. But I guess logically that doesn't make sense. He has learned a lot and come a long way since last year and he deserves to finally be able to be successful at managing a fundraising office. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it, like his failures were my fault. Although he never did tell me why he broke up with me, somewhere in my gut, him blaming me for his failure to do his job well, although he never said it, probably had a bigger in his decision to leave me than most of the other fears and reasons I could come up with. That makes me very uncomfortable. That was something I never could understand about him or anyone else.... why people blamed others for their own problems.

Life (Bex-yellow)

Birds take flight

an endless array of possibility

to choose

to go

wherever they may

but evolutions cruel joke made

only one path

one way

one migratory route

to live and die by

a jail with invisible walls

an illusion of freedom