An island of peace

I've had a traumatic day. A bittersweet day.

Now, I feel very proud of myself. I've been working hard the past 3 months to learn ways to set boundaries, manage my emotions, communicate better, and be honest with myself and others. I'm on a higher lithium dosage now too, so that helps. My roommate is moving out and decided to not give 30-days notice. Rent is due Monday and he won't pitch in his half. We had a "confrontation" this morning. It ended with him storming out the door just before I completely lost it.

I'm disturbed that I almost lost it. I've been working so hard and I should be better than that. I'm working to have compassion with myself though. No one is perfect and every situation isn't perfect. I wonder to what degree I am disturbed by being angry and having a short temper versus having bi-polar. There is a lot of guilt.

For the first time, in forever, I feel as if I dealt with the situation maturely and rationally. And, I set boundaries that I won't give in with. I have this odd sense of peace that I am no longer giving the other party the power to control me. I have totally accepted whatever decision he makes already. Experiencing this is completely new to me. Normally I'm thrashing, trying to speculate what the next move will be, being totally in anguish and angry that "someone would do this to me". Its a good stress to be dealing with this boundary setting. I'm still terribly angry about it all, but I DON'T FEEL VICTIMIZED!

That was the first half of my day. I then went off to Starbucks, got some tea and read my book, "Buddha's Brain". I've been getting "self-help" books from the library. I view reading them as my daily psych homework or therapy homework. My next chapter was, ironically, on how to "cool the fire" when emotionally charged. It took a while to get through it because I had a lot of applicable subject matter in which to apply the chapter's material to. I'm glad that I did.

My next task on the daily agenda was to try out a weekly discussion group at the Center for transgender. It was a terrifying experience to build up the courage to do even go. When I am really scared or anxious or nervous, I often jump into Bex.

Bex is my strong, independent fighter. Bex is often more courageous than Alex and Vicki are willing to be. Alex and Vicki can be, they just choose not to be. Being tri-gender is not like having multiple personalities, even though it may seem that way. I am one person with one set of beliefs, values, ideas, preferences, characteristics, etc. My gender influences how I react to those beliefs, values, ideas, preferences, etc. So in this case, Bex is more courageous only because hir gender naturally inclines to take advantage of that character trait on a stronger level than Vicki or Alex. Vicki would rather let someone else be courageous but certainly can be just as courageous as Bex if forced into the situation.To be thorough, Alex is probably more courageous than Vicki but less than Bex. Alex tends to be somewhat chivalrous. Bex is kinda like the wood nymph/elf in "In the name of the King" movie played by Kristanna Loken.

Anyway, I had a very positive experience at the discussion group. It was my first time being out to strangers and first time talking about things that have never gotten any further than being thought about. Again, good stress. Half way through, I switched into Alex, which was unusual. Alex rarely comes out in front of other people, especially a group of people. In fact, last week was the first time Alex was "out" in front of a group of people. I intend on going to the group on a regular basis now.

The unfortunate thing about being Alex, today, following this group session, was that I was going to go see the Vagina Monologues. It was good. I enjoyed it. I laughed a lot. I also got an exercise in separating my gender from my sex. So often, we think of our gender as our sex. But I'm watching this show and identifying with the women because I have the same mechanical, physical features. But emotionally and mentally I couldn't identify with them. I could empathize and even remember memories of being/thinking/feeling similar situations when I am Vicki though. I went to the performance with the bf of a friend of mine. Later we got into a discussion and he was amazed that my guy-gender thoughts & feelings completely mirrored his own of the performance. To be honest, I was a bit amazed too, cuz I don't usually get a chance to "calibrate" my guy-thoughts with other guys to see if they are "normal". Honestly, I think I would have gotten more out of the performance if I had been Vicki. But all in all, I enjoyed it and look forward to seeing it again someday.

Its been a stressful day, but mostly good stress. I've had a lot of emotions come up and I've been able to deal with them constructively. I've had a lot of new situations that I have had to negotiate and I didn't break down, rather grew stronger. I leave with one of my favorite quotes....

"I beg you.... to have patience with everything unresolved in you heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

And that is what I'm doing now. I've living my way into my body, mind, and spirit. I don't know what kind of man Alex will become, nor what kind of woman Vicki. I don't know what gender Bex is. I don't know if I will recover from my bi-polar nor will I know what kind of damage the Celiac and Bi-polar have done to me. I've search for these answers and only gained misery. I've spent 22 years asking WHY? and HOW? and WHEN? and so many more. But when I stop asking them, I find sensations and experiences and this intricate dance withing myself. Sometimes its a balancing act. Other times its a dialog or an interplay. Its this mindfulness, and sometimes over-analysis, that has helped me find a nugget of peace in a swirl of insurmountable challenges. A small island of peace that has never existed before. I'm a new person, and every day is proving that now!

Blogging is therapeutic

I've been inspired. I've been using the Google Reader for a few months now. The Reader is an RSS feed organizer and subsequently I've tagged over 200 different blogs that I keep track of in kind of a personalized magazine. I've even got a funnies section. :-) hehe. I track all of my gluten free recipes (because I'm writing a cookbook) and craigslist ads from specific sections (cuz I'm looking for a job).

What is inspiring me particularly, however, is two part. First, there is Anna Adrift (http://www.bipolarblog-livingwild.com). It is a blog by a young woman who is in grad school for neuroscience and has Bipolar Disorder. I suspect she has Bipolar I, although, i'm not sure. Anna states that her blog is 1) therapeutic and 2) helps others.

Now, I certainly understand the therapeutic thing on a personal level, because it was a vital tool I used in Europe to manage my bi-polar. (I have Bipolar II) I also can see where the helping others would come in, because there a dozen or so blogs that have had a significant impact on me in the past few months. I have unfortunately been unable to convince myself to start journaling. I would like to convince myself to take up blogging again, however. And this time, I'm letting it all hang out. I've been learning lots of fun things lately about emotional blackmail, manipulation, boundaries, and so much more. I have also searched the web for other bloggers like me, that have this unique set of issues. Alas, the are not easy to find. The last time my blog was widely read, I once posted a negative comment. I was chastised for weeks. Fortunately, like I said in my previous blog, those who care about what I say and don't like it, I'm not a whole lot attached to you right now. And just for clarity, I would like to say: I will say and do and I damn PLEASE! ... that includes being transgender/fluid gender, having fluid sexuality and enjoying it!, accepting my so-called faults as none other than my own personality quirks, and treating myself and others with as much respect as I can (I'm not perfect here.... but I try). I'm trying to learn how to forgive and be compassionate towards myself, to stop abusing myself (http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/08/25/masturbation-as-a-form-of-self-injury-after-sexual-child-abuse/) and manage my disabilities.

Fortunately, UCSD Outpatient Psychiatry is an amazing resource (for those without insurance, ironically!) I have a mentor, and therapist, and two psychiatrists. My mentor, Dale, has been great. Last week he helped me complete the paperwork to officially apply for Disability. I hope it goes through and we don't have to appeal. Everyone these days is getting denied from government programs... disability, unemployment, etc. The system is totally overwhelmed it seems. Fortunately, however, i didn't get denied for student financial aid. I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! I start school at the end of March. I digress, however.

The second half of why I am inspired to start blogging again is Adam. Last fall, as some of you may know, I started working for a residential solar company here in San Diego. It was a tiny little start-up which had sold only 13 solar systems and I became one of the founders. I eventually became the director of marketing, controlling 1/3 of the company and bringing in almost $1 million in solar sales. Adam and I had also recently moved in together. Unfortunately, I had a severe manic episode followed by a depression which resulted in Adam leaving me and eventually moving out and me also losing my job at California Solar Innovations at about the same time. This being the 7th job and 2nd boyfriend I have lost due to "emotional" problems in one form or another, I knew I had to do something. The first step towards recovering from mental illness is ACCEPTING that you have a mental illness. Loosing the two greatest things I had in my life at the same time definitely gave me an adequate wake up call to accept the truth.

So, since then I have been working very hard. The fruits of my labors is finally coming to terms with ALL of my disabilities and learning how to heal from my past and set boundaries, healthy boundaries, for myself.

I feel bad that these simple things could have prevented 99% of all the problems Adam and I had. We have been trying to maintain a friendship which is becoming increasingly more difficult. Everything is fine if I never say or do or ask for anything (which is the status quo). But, this lack of (what I now know as) boundary setting, is making me very bitter. My psychiatrist and mentor has been emphasizing that oftentimes, those with bipolar need written instructions. My therapist has been giving me tools to communicate both verbally and written. So, I made an effort today to write down my feelings and logically and maturely say what I need.

It didn't go so well. Adam took it as immature and insulting. We had a big fight. When he left, I started texting him (which I usually do). I can't think straight when I'm really emotional. I forget words and start shaking and crying. I oftentimes can't even remember what I wan't to say if I get interrupted. But I can always work through it if I write it out. We eventually managed to work it out, through text (which ironically makes him furious... i guess not a got mix for me being so text oriented). It feels though, that something either irrevocable has occurred, or something that was always there but just wasn't communicated so clearly has been said. A firm boundary perhaps has been built. This feels in part like a victory because this is a boundary I have struggled to build my whole life. It is also a lack of this boundary that has caused me much misery when it comes to my relationship with Adam. I feels like I lost something though. I feel more isolated, limited. By creating a boundary I am no longer in symbiosis with those around me. Their needs and wants are no longer mine, which means that I can't be distracted and stay busy with their "stuff" all the time either. Its a bit lonely. Don't get me started on my theory of why i've got terrible boundaries. Maybe some other time.

It doesn't help either that my new roommate is super depressed and doesn't talk. He is passive-aggressive and I'm starting to get super passive-aggressive too. I'm trying to exercise my new skills, but I feel like I'm making very small baby steps.

Again, I digress.... the point I'm trying to make, ultimately is that because of this fight with Adam I've come to realize that I need to focus on writing in order to compensate for my out of control emotions or my frozen state emotions. This seems a logical step for me. Seeing bloggers such as Anna do what they do and say what they want to say the final piece of the puzzle that has helped me put this 2 and 2 together. Blogging is 1) therapeutic. As an awesome bonus, maybe someone else will connect with my struggles too.

Coming Out

So it's been a while. I've grown up a lot. And I need to come out. I've learned a lot here in San Diego and have suffered a lot too. I've decided to change the direction of this blog to reflect the issues that I care about the most. Many of those issues I have been afraid to write about because I have been afraid that those who love me would not accept me for who I am.

Those of you who know me well know that i can be overly emotional, depressive, and have out-of-control outbursts. You also know that I have a wide variety of interests and personalities and talents.

Lets make it simple. I have a couple of things here, so please hold on. I won't dig into them a lot, rather i will talk more about them as I blog more. I know this may not be the best way to come out about this information, but I feel that I don't have much the loose because those who love me wont care (and most already know) and those who care don't really matter to me anymore.

First, I was diagnosed with bi-polar almost a year ago. I'm on medications now, but it is going to be a long journey to find the right one. Its been difficult to deal with it and maintain relationships and keep jobs. In retrospect, it has caused much of the conflict between my mother and I, and much of my friendship & relationship issues, not to mention my constant inability to keep focused on one job, school subject, or project.

Second, I am gender fluid (or tri-gender). What this means is that I don't feel that I was born in the right body. I have a different gender than my body. This obviously causes a lot of identity issues. I am not transgender though, because I have multiple genders, a female, a male, and an androgenous one. I have felt this way since I was 2 and I have called myself Vicky (Victoria), Bex (Rebecca), and Alex (Alexander) for almost as long. Some of my friends have been calling me these names as well for most of my life. This obviously has a huge impact on my moods and interests, activities and friend circle. This extends, however, even to voice changes, vision, and body changes (ie: in the way I walk and view myself).

Third, I'm bi-sexual. Most of you already know this. But my bi-sexuality is caused by my gender identity as Vicky and Alex. I strongly suspect however, that Bex is asexual.

I hope that those of you that read this will accept this. I also know that I will find many new friends and much support as I continue on my journey.

Namaste.

New Year, NEw Life

I'm BACKKKKK! I'm back in San Diego and back to being healthy... kinda. Working in the LA street canvassing office was an amazing experience. I met some awesome people and worked at some really amazing locations. Now I'm back in San Diego street canvassing. I returned to San Diego 5 weeks ago. Its a lot different than door canvassing. Its very hard for me and I don't raise a lot of money, which makes door canvassing very nostalgic for me, but I enjoy the hours better and it is easier to eat and stay on top of my health.

We (the Public Interest Research Group... specifically I am employed by the Fund for the Public Interest) run political campaigns all year round for major non-profits on environmental, human rights, and public interest issues. I am now running a campaign/canvassing office here in San Diego and I do grassroots community organizing to build public support for these issues. Currently we are running a campaign for Environment America and are hoping to get part of the new federal economic stimulus package to include investments in the renewable energy industry as well as to extend clean energy tax credits. EAmerica was in talks with Obama just a few weeks ago and are currently pressuring members of congress to turn down gifts and political pressure, etc from the oil and coal lobby.

A basic recap of our work over the past few months is that we just won 2 major victories here in California and lost one. First is a major 4+ year battle here in California to cap global warming pollution and reduce it 80% by 2050 and tax major polluters for every ton of pollution they emit in the air. It will be an overhaul to the entire energy grid here as well as a serious look at efficiency, conservation, and renewable energy. Also, we managed to get a resolution to build a high speed train between LA and San Fransisco. In the human rights sector, however, we unfortunately lost our battle to uphold same sex marriage but we are working right now to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the military as well as having a chance at passing some anti-discrimination, employment discrimination, and hate-crimes legislation through congress for the first time in several decades. Its a difficult but rewarding job. I hire, manage, and recruit staff to get out and do grassroots community organizing, as well as getting out in the field myself several times a week.

I am also settling into my apartment nicely. It took a while but I'm getting there. Most of the last 5 weeks I have been trying to de-stress and undo the damage I did to my body during the elections. I got the opportunity to go to Aspen, CO for a few days on a work vacation. I mostly got to ski and meet lots of people from the organization I work for that work all over the country. Adam and I also celebrated being together for 9 months while in Aspen. I stayed here for Christmas and then left for an extended weekend to Palm Springs with Adam. We did nothing! It was GREAT!

I've been thinking a lot about the past year and the upcoming year lately. I've changed so much that I don't even recognize myself. I'm learning how to be a balanced and happy individual, something I never dreamed of one year ago today. There is also so much more that I know I could do, and for the first time ever I have a new year's resolution. I'm not going to try to do anything I haven't done before, but simply do what I know that I can to be the best person I can be.

Its forgiving the past and the pain and listening to yourself that has and will be my motto. I look forward to working at the office here and meeting Adam's family and Adam meeting mine. I also look forward to starting school again. I have something positive in my life and I am learning how to cultivate that. Nothing and no one can take that from me again.

Election Time

Its Election TIME!!!! WHOOOO.... only a few more days... I cannot wait. I got a transfer to Los Angeles last tuesday and now I am running the West Hollywood office until our more experienced directors come back from election work. Then, I move back to San Diego and start as an assistant director in the San Diego offices. I'm so glad to be back in southern california. I'm totally a socal girl!

Today I found a studio apartment in San Diego and put in an application. Tomorrow i put in my security deposit, and then I move in on the 15th! I'm so excited! My first apartment! Life is moving along... quickly. Once I get settled in a few weeks, I'll get a chance to start blogging about more interesting stuff. ;-)

San Francisco

Hola folks.... from Silicon Valley! I've been living and working in Silicon Valley and the greater San Francisco Bay Area for almost a month now. I have been so busy that that I hardly have a chance to think... thus nothing new to write about until now.

San Fransisco and the Bay Area is UNBELIEVABLY liberal. I've never been anywhere like this before. My shock and amazement of San Diego liberal is in comparison rather conservative. I have yet to figure out what exactly though all this liberal-ness is. I can't quite describe it. The area has a rather odd sisterhood with NYC and Ithica (NY), as well as Boulder (Colorado), Portland (Oregon), and Seattle. Despite its liberal tendencies, I have had a rather difficult time finding gluten free food. Although the problem lies mostly in that I have found 2 restaurants/stores in 30 days that speaks enough English for me to describe my food "allergies". If the servers/managers/staff speak english then they always seem to know what gluten is. If they don't speak English, I have a hard time even communicating that I need to avoid wheat. My attempts to explain that I cannot eat wheat, barley, and rye, as well as soy and dairy has even resulted in the staff looking at me and asking whether or not I just asked for a job. AAHHHH!

Currently I'm running an office here for Environment California (www.environmentcalifornia.org) and it has been a lot of hiring, training & managing staff (as well as firing several people) and all the administrative parts of running an campaign office. I work at least 12 hours a day, plus a 35 min. commute each way. Add 7-9 hours of sleep and that leaves me with about 2 hours to cook food (or find food in most cases), take a shower, talk to a few people on the phone, and read a bed time story. My "bedtime story" these days is Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Friedman, the NY Times columnist on foreign policy and economics.

All that aside, life is going well. Albeit stressful. Vernon, a mutual friend of mine and Adam's that worked with us over the summer in San Diego is now running another office in the Bay Area. Last weekend we visited San Fransisco and saw sights in the Bay Area. Yesterday I had a regional meeting/training in Berkley with all the other NorCal offices (Northern California- there are 5 total). Vernon and I spent the night in San Fransisco and then took a hike in the Redwood forests this morning. I found the experience extremely refreshing and sad at the same time. I have missed the forests, fields, and water of upstate New York and the brief hike was wonderful. However, the effects of climate change (that I have chronicled in Europe and San Diego) are visibly evident in the Redwood forests here, which made me very sad. I wonder whether or not if in the next 50 years we lost our ecosystems even at the same rate that has been occurring in the past 50 years, how many of our forests and water bodies and natural environments will still be alive and thriving? Will my children get the chance discover an owl, a deer, or even a snake or a bear wild in the forest, or will they only see them in a zoo?

This book I have been reading by Thomas Friedman has made me think more and more as I get deeper into it. My work with Environment California dovetails closely with the concepts Thomas Friedman lays out in his book, although in a much simpler, 30 second version. I don't agree with everything has written about, but he has some very interesting theories and proposals. With the current economic crisis, I wonder how we will ever be able to deal with our energy crisis. Our dependency on oil and other fossil fuels has led to skyrocketing energy costs and global warming. However, we have the technology to harness the wind, sun, and other homegrown, clean energy sources. But there is no political willpower to do even what scientists call for as a minimum. Looking back at US history however, I am both afraid and thankful for this economic slippery slope. Perhaps I am over simplifying, but the 20's were an era of decadence, greed, independence and over-abundance. Then the stock market crashed. The Great Depression happened. But we pulled out of it by harnessing our innovation and reinventing our society. We don't have much time if were are to reduce our global warming pollution to avert even the worst parts of dramatic climatic changes everywhere, all over the globe. But this economic down-spin we are in may be a blessing in disguise. Nothing so far has spurred us enough to confront this challenge of systemic change in our energy production, consumption, and conservation. I certainly don't want this path, but I'm afraid it may be one of the only viable ones left.

Such challenging issues... and yet my greatest frustration is that so many Americans are oblivious to it all. Why do the rural Chinese and Africans, and news giants in Saudi Arabia, as well as the business class on India and even entire governments in Europe are acknowledging and even addressing these problems and we have yet to agree on whether or not they exist yet? This goes beyond simple apathy to plain ignorance, which fortunately is a solvable problem.

Moving

Its been crazy the past month. I've been working a lot harder at the office recently. I have been helping train directors to be sent to swing states and now I'm the only field manager. I have to plan where we work every day and lots of paperwork. We just closed our Human Rights Campaign project, advocating for equal employment legislation in congress that would end employment discrimination (it's still legal in 30 states to fire someone for being "Gay"). We were also chosen as a testing office from the national headquarters in Boston to try out a new campaign for legalizing Same-sex Marriage. Of course, with same-sex couples having been grated that right here in California, it has been an exciting project to work on. There is a ballot proposition this fall to add an amendment to the state constitution banning same-sex marriage, so of course, there has been lots of support and debate (and opposition). Working out in the field and talking about this issue has been eye opening.

We had a brief intersession with Environment California this last week, working on our previous Global Warming Campaign, and then on Tuesday we start a campaign on behalf of Environment America to help transition the USA into a clean energy future. Just 2 weeks ago, Governor Schwarzenegger hosted a public panel and town meeting on global warming here in San Diego. We have been mobilizing support for a cap-and-trade system that would require polluters to pay for every ton of pollution that they emit and use the money to reinvest in clean energy solutions such as wind and solar power. It was super exciting to attend the meeting. It reminded me of my days working for the Youth Bureau in NY and also reminded me how much I want to continue doing that work.

The Democratic Convention was exciting news and we are even more excited about McCain's running-mate choice. She is a disaster! She even sued the Bush Administration this spring for putting Polar Bears on the endangered species list! It shall be interesting to see how the next week or so turns out.

Adam left for Denver this morning for training. He is being sent to a swing state, but he doesn't know which one yet. I'm leaving on Tuesday morning for San Francisco. I just found out Thursday that I am being promoted to a directors position. I will be working in Palo Alto, CA in the bay area until after the elections, then returning to San Diego for the remainder of the year. I have made a commitment to work for the Fund for Public Interest until Aug. 09. I'll be working on our street team, which is also another step up in the organization, since only the top canvassers work on street. I'm really excited about it and nervous. I'm salaried staff now! To boot... this was Obama's first major job out of college before he went on to grad school. He worked for the NYC offices.

On a personal note... i have been feeling much better and I am slowly on the path to health, thanks to the help of Adam (he has been there supporting me emotionally and practically), and recently the use of acupuncture and acupressure. I'm actually functioning again. Every month I'm stronger. I know that even a month ago I never would have been able to accept this directors position.

I finished my world history course and have started a new one on the History of the English Language, taught by Seth Lerer of Stanford University. It's quite intersting. I'm also reading A History of God by Karen Armstrong.

Currently, however, since I am in the process of packing and eating all my food in the fridge before tuesday, I am looking forward to some blending action with my frozen fruit and some rum... all gluten free of course!

today sucked. one of the houses on my turf, there was a girl screaming. just screaming. it reminded me of when i used to scream. it didn't matter how long or how long... no one came to help me. the police were never called. no one ever believed me. it was as if a door was unlocked in me. i know that something def. happened yesterday at my naet treatment. i was shaking as dr. nahama went thru the NET. i'm scared for tomorrow. all I could think of was the country song by martina mcbride, concrete angel. i always connected to that song without fully understanding why. I always made excuses because there were never stories or songs exactly like what i went thru. but the emotions are the same. and that is all that matters when it comes to pain and healing. what my mother did to me was not right, it was wrong. it wasn't evil. but it killed a part of me. it def. killed a part of me. that screaming... i swore that i would never let that happen to someone else. I contacted the police.

When i got off the phone, i had a difficult time. i felt like i was second guessing myself. i didn't know if i had done the right thing. maybe i was wrong and everything was ok. but what if i was right? the screaming eventually stopped. i sat on the curb for 20 min. the police never showed up. I am confused about it all. if something was seriously wrong, the police were not there when they were needed. what is the point of notifying them at all? life is so fragile. this is a trigger point that i want to deal with. i have a feeling that tomorrow is not going to be easy. i'm dealing with a horrible time in my life. i felt so trapped, alone, watched, manipulated, mistrusted. i was so mistrusted. no matter what i did it wasn't good enough. i had so many problems. my friends left me. my school work was becoming overwhelming. as i tried to take a leadership role in the school, i found myself subjegated to my mothers' watchful eye. she manipulated my teachers! she went thru my school files! she even prevented me from seeking help from the nurse and counseling center. what would inspire her to do this? the screaming never ended. it felt like every night she got angry at me. it was always about my math grades. i was so angry and lost. upset. confused. when i became a woman, it was not celebrated. i was interrogated and made a fool of. i think i locked a part of myself away then. maybe even something died. i don't know if and even what that part of me is anymore and where it is. this is kinda scary.

tomorrow i am having a phone interview for a CD position in sacramento. this is huge. i guess i need sleep. its gunna be a long day tomorrow.

Help solve high energy costs

"Al Gore took a big risk when he called on us to get 100% of our electricity from cheap, clean sources within 10 years.

It's an achievable goal, but it's already under attack from the oil and coal companies. They're calling his plan unrealistic, impossible, and crazy.

We can turn back Big Oil's attack if hundreds of thousands of us personally endorse Gore's challenge to power our country with 100% cheap, clean energy within 10 years—and then we urge Obama, McCain, and Congress to get on board.

A compiled petition with your individual comment will be presented to Obama, McCain, and your Senators and Representative" -MoveOn.org

I just signed a petition to support Al Gore's ambitious challenge. Together, we'll urge Obama, McCain, and Congress to get on board.

Can you join me? Just click here:

http://pol.moveon.org/gorechallenge?r_by=-9715266-zXmM4dx&rc=paste

HRC

So, I guess it's been a while. I'm excited and nervous about the upcoming months. Tomorrow I start campaigning for the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) at the Hillcrest/San Diego Gay Pride festival. I'll be continuing the campaign while working on "door".... so going door to door and signing up members to support us. Thursday I was promoted to a salaried staff position in the office, so mostly likely 60+ hours a week. Then, sometime in August or September, I'll be sent to a swing state to organize volunteers and voters for the election. When I get back to San Diego after Nov. 4, I have no idea what will happen. Hopefully I'll be hired as an Assistant Director in San Diego, but its not likely. Who knows...

I hope everyone is doing well. My life has become this job. I enjoy it... there is nothing else much new. Other than the fact that Adam and I have been seeing each other for 3 months now. He is sooo sweet. ... smart, responsible, and dignified too. He's kinda cute in the fact that we picked out a book to read together and we go grocery shopping together sometimes. We don't see each other much. But we have been having fun checking out the aquarium in La Jolla, and we went sea kaying for his birthday. ... there were even baby dolphins out in the cove. And the worlds largest (perhaps 2nd) Giant Kelp Bed! I can't wait to get back into school and study again.

Happy 4th of July

For me, America feels like a dog eat dog world. Its all about making the most money, even when it means that people die. Of course people are going to be like that all around the world. And I know that it is mostly unintentional. But seems like in America, in order to beat the game, you have to play the game. While in Rome, do as the Romans do.

However, when you live in your own sustainable environment, its not like that.... you just be. You are in control of yourself. Your food and water and shelter you made with your own hands or you know the people that produce/provide what you use. I now realize what it is that made me fall in love with East Frisia. Sure, it had the 19th century charm. But Ostfriesland was largely independently sustainable. They were entirely dependent on local wind and solar energy... even selling off the excess. I could bike to school or the store. My potatoes came from the neighboring town, my milk from my next door neighbor. My tea cup was made locally and the sad part is that only in the past 30 years has items such as clothing and toasters and tourists have brought new items and practices into Ostfriesland. It was a special treat to go to the gelato/ice cream store because it was Italian. It was a unique experience to eat toast because the bread was not made locally. The teahouses now sell coffee at tea time and mixed tea blends. The people of East Frisia created their own environment hundreds of years ago and they know what must be done to sustain it. That means letting the sheep graze on the coastal dikes instead of cows for example. Its honest work. Straight forward.

Unfortunately, that kind of world is dying. Ostfriesland cannot survive on its own anymore without tourists. Everywhere from Pakistan to Tanzania to Oaxaca, to small town USA, people are learning that they have to plug into the outside world for survival, travel farther distances for necessities such as water, food, and gas. Its a scary interdependent world. Dare I even say the catchphrase: globalization? But what happens when those communities don't or can't do so? There are impractical things that simply become impossible when, for example, families in Mozambique must spend 6-12 hours just to obtain a 5-gallon jug of water or the nearest medical clinic to your small Mexican town is a 36 hour walk down the mountains... and they don't even speak your language at the clinic; or even small towns in northern California have no electricity and power because they are too far out in the country and must survive on diesel generators that run on fuel that costs over $5.00 a gallon and the nearest grocery store is 26 miles away. Small communities die from a lack of necessities. But surely, these things are not new in human history. The difference is that instead of these communities dying in their natural cycle as do all communities in the history of the human race, suddenly globalization is an answer, a solution that never was available before.

Mass production and better communication/infrastructure has and continues to make the lives of billions of people better each day. The biggest problem for me right now is that most people don't even realize, or worse yet don't even care that they are being bought out. Their desires, thoughts, values, etc are all shaped by a few corporations that make millions and billions of dollars each year. They are apathetic. The reason that you dive a car on a freeway instead of taking the train is because Ford bought out and created the seedlings of the massive infrastructure we use today over 100 years ago. Or the reason you eat fruit from South America instead of the berries in your backyard is because it is cheaper, or perhaps safer, or even... more convenient? So the question for me is, how can this wonderful yet difficult answer called globalization avoid becoming rampant consumerism? How can small town independence and/or locally sustainable efforts in food/water/energy production be streamlined with globalization efforts? And even more important, what are the consequences if we don't?

Comments

So, for the past 2 months I have been receiving rather derogatory and defaming comments on my blog. I very much enjoy receiving comments and learning from others their opinions. But I would appreciate those comments to be accompanied by a name and not be anonymous, or not be posted at all. THANK YOU!

Million For Marriage petition

Do you want to live in a country that legalizes discrimination? Despite the recent California Supreme Court decision that denying same-sex couples the right to marry is unconstitutional, efforts are underway throughout the country to take away rights from same-sex couples.

I just joined thousands of others in showing my support for marriage equality for all. But recently, proponents of bigotry and hate collected even more signatures in an attempt to invalidate the California Supreme Court decision. And they won't stop with California - extremists are even trying to add a ban of marriage for same-sex couples to the U.S. Constitution.

We are at a turning point in our nation's history and I'm hoping you'll join me in standing up against discrimination. Please sign the Million for Marriage petition and get us one name closer to showing that Americans overwhelmingly support marriage equality!

http://www.MillionForMarriage.org

Every committed couple deserves to enjoy the privileges and responsibilities conferred by marriage. Add your name to the petition and be a part of the movement to fight for marriage equality for all.

Thank you!

Gas Prices

Wow... so I saw a gas station that was over $4.70 a gallon yesterday. I'm buying a bike any day now. In the meantime, here is some interesting information...

Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:

Sunoco.........................0 barrels

Conoco........................0 barrels

Sinclair.......................0 barrels

BP / Phillips................0 barrels

Hess. ............................0 barrels

ARC0............................0 barrels

Maverick........................0 barrels

Flying J. ........................0 barrels

Valero............................0 barrels

Murphy Oil USA ............. 0 barrels (Sold at Wal-Mart)

The other companies such as ExonMobil, Cheveron, etc are making record profits while also being the largest contributers to global warming pollution. They are also exempt from many industry standards and regulations here in the USA that local companies much comply to. Therefore, they can get away with much more. So, THREE reasons to boycott middle eastern oil. BTW.... if you drive 65 mph, instead of 75 mph, you save 50 cents a gallon when driving! Driving 60 rather than 65 lowers fuel costs by an additional 20 cents a gallon!!! 55 mph is the ideal speed to save gas however.

Question: What's your advice to the average American who is hurting now, facing the prospect of $4 a gallon gasoline?

President Bush: Wait, what did you just say? You're predicting $4 a gallon gasoline?… I hadn't heard that."

— News conference, Feb. 28, 2008

Gas prices

Gas prices have now hit $4.57 a gallon. This time last year I was paying around $2.80. jeeze. On one hand I totally can't afford this. On the other... I hope gas prices hit $8.00 a gallon! (thats the environmentalist in me speaking). So... my next paycheck, I'm buying a bike. Tomorrow I'm going to the DMV and hoping that I have everything I need to get registered and licensed quickly. I got my smog test yesterday and passed. whooo!

Wild Parrots

OMG, so there are totally WILD parrots that live in Southern California. Last week while canvassing I stumbled upon one, literally parading up and down a gate to a house I wanted to go to. I thought it was weird, but I didn't think anything of it. Then yesterday while in Ocean Beach (a community within San Diego) I saw a whole troop of them in the palm trees, squawking and such. I didn't even know parrots were in North America, let alone San Diego. I want to take pictures and post things on my blog here, but my camera lens has stopped working. Its stuck in the camera and wont come out! :*(

But anyway. Parrots. Thats AWEsome.

Canvassing

So, I totally love canvassing. And being healthy. And canvassing while being healthy...

I started on Monday with campaigning (canvassing) and Monday and yesterday were awful. I didn't get anyone to support us on the issue. But my problem was that I didn't have my act together. I couldn't get the information out without sounding like a robot, etc, etc. However, this evening I totally got my act together and did great. I can't wait until next week to do this full time. As for the rest of this week... I'm at the museum. We are having the gallery opening of Georgia O'Keeffe and the Stieglitz (sp?) circle. I wish Georgia O'Keeffe hadn't died, then I would have been able to meet her tomorrow! Schade! We have two more parties this week, Friday and Saturday, that I am also working. Sooooo, should be fun. Its been crazy this week trying to manage the transition between jobs and figure out how to keep my self feed, on time. Pay day is friday... whoooo... I get to make a trip to the DMV and become a California citizen! I'll probably do that next week though when I get through inspections and stuff.

Rwanda Rerun

Just a quick note, violence has escalated in the Darfur-Sudan Conflict. We all have seen movies like Hotel Rwanda or Blood Diamond. Well, this is not a movie.... and this kind of violence is what is going on right now as we speak. The numbers (deaths) add up quickly, so if you care, click on the title of this blog entry, or the following....

http://action.savedarfur.org/campaign/escalation_fb?rk=d1cxfh4q3cIeE

and sign the petition. Please check out the website as well (click on home at the top) and see what else you can do.

.... Never forget we live in a democratic society. Thus, your responsibility is to ACT.

Civil Wars

A rather striking thought (actually several) occurred to me during my world history course today... as we entered into the contemporary era, starting with WWI, there was a great shift in political structures (democracies replaced monarchies), gender relations, living environment (rural to city) and class structures (a decline in land holding aristocracy and an increase in upper class members with wealth based on merchant activities, etc). WWI and WWII were, essentially, western wars. Now, if I were to draw rather loosely upon the infamous Foreign Affairs article, The Clash of Civilizations by Samuel P. Huntington, in that the world could be divided up into relative cultural civilization zones (the West, Latin American, Arab, etc), would it be safe to say that WWI and WWII were essentially "Civil Wars" within the Western civilization?!?! Thus, could we predict that a major theme of our contemporary era is Civil War? ...will the rising powers of Asia, Arab nations, Latin America, Africa eventually be confronted with these civilization-wide civil wars. hmmmm. that kinda gives an interesting macro structure to things.

Global Warming and Gay Rights

So, you all have probably heard, California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage that was passed in 2000 by a 60% majority via public ballot. Things are crazy here! Its the most amazing feeling to see everyone so happy here in Hillcrest. And for me personally, its liberating. Can you imagine living as a second class citizen? ... never knowing if you will be fired from your job for your sexual orientation or if some gang beats you up, there is no legal recourse whatsoever!?!? I made a vow that I would never marry a guy until gay rights were granted and gays, bi's, lesbians, and trans could marry too.

The fight has just begun though. People are already rallying behind the pro and con sides. There has been a petition to put a constitutional ban on gay marriage on the ballot come this November. So, I've decided to quit my job at the museum (I'll only be working part time on weekends to keep my employee benefits there) and join up again with the organization I was working with this past winter and campaign and organize people here in San Diego to protect and uphold the court decision. GLBT issues have destroyed my family and my life and working on this has never felt so right in my entire life. I won't give up a future of full equality for myself and my family and future generations for anything.

Game Plan: the next 1.5 months we are working on a Global Warming campaign (the second dearest issue in my heart and my obsession for nearly 7 years) and if I make top numbers in our office, I'll be given (hopefully) responsibility for the Human Rights Campaign here in Hillcrest. 92103 baby!

With the CA court being one of the most influential courts in the country, if we can make this happen, it will only be a matter of time before the rest of the country will follow. CA was the first to legalize interracial marriage. This is no different. A poll in 2006 indicated that people are shifting support towards gay rights. In just 6 years, the numbers in opposition went from 61% to only 51%.

On a side note, the Interior Department declared the Polar Bear officially as an endangered species on Wednesday. The idiots, however, left out vital information from the report that will effectively render the polar bear as un-save-able because the only thing that can be done is to prevent the ice from melting.... which idiot Dirk Kempthorne declared is not a significant enough issue to address seeing that the Endangered Species Protection Act is "not designed" to fight global warming. So... what is it designed to do Mr. Secretary of the Interior?