Earthquakes (Bex-green)

I HATE EARTHQUAKES!

I had a bad experience once.

Once upon a time I was sleeping on a dirt floor. It was relatively early in the morning, 7-ish. Everyone else had gone to breakfast and was at the morning church service already. Few people around me could speak my language, nor I theirs. I was half awake, drifting in and out of sleep as I heard the music and dance from the worship service and I contemplated the day before and the upcoming day.

Something was making me terribly sick. The day before one of the nurses was telling me all about her gluten-intolerance. While an interesting theory, I didn't think I had that. One of the girls at school has that and I don't have the same symptoms as her. The air, even at 7am was hot and sticky, not quite muggy, rather just thick and dry. A feint breeze came in through the window above me that felt heavenly. I relished it trying to save it so that when the day got into full swing I could tolerate the heat a bit better. I was partially tangled in my sheets and just in my underwear, even though I was sleeping in the exam room in the clinic. Above me the "whir, whir, clink" of the fan rotated, round and round.

Whir, whir, clink; whir, whir, clink; whir, whir, clink.

I knew I had to get up soon because patients were already streaming in from the town and the villages in the hills & mountains. I could hear some in the hallway already. The ceiling fan above me was constantly annoying yet it became soothing as I let myself sink into the sound of it moving. When it came down to it, it was so god-damn hot, even at 3am that I didn't care. And, I was the only one in the whole town that probably even HAD a ceiling fan. There were 4 girls upstairs where heat rises and gets trapped that were living in a room the same size as this one I was staying in with one small window and no fan of any sort at all.

The previous day i had had a meltdown. I was breaking out in hives. We had gotten back from a village 30 miles into the mountains (but took us almost 7 hours to get there cuz there are no roads in some places) where I had been trying to look after the village children and keep back the wild (and i swear rabid) dogs that lived in the area. I in fact had two rashes and was loosing my faculties at times throughout the day. I was also getting freaked out by the "humanitarian aid" that was being given out that was so very much my idea of what the Spanish conquest of this area a few hundred years before had done. I wasn't aware that this type of humanitarian aid was also part of the definition of "church mission trip" whereas my previous experiences involved building rural churches and mulching paths at retreat camps. Remnants of the first Spanish conquest were still very much evident in these people. Nothing much has changed since then.

These people DID NOT need to go through this again. But it was so much bigger than anything one person could do or prevent. What made me just simply sick is that churches, such as the one associated with the bible college in my town that i practically grew up at (cuz I live 1 block away), were some of the biggest supporters of this. They financed it. Sent people here. Were the puppeteers. My tiny little town. 4000 people. Leading the charge in violence in the name of peace. It is totally Machiavellian: "the ends justify the means".

My body sweltered as it stuck together from the heat and itched from the rashes covering my body, especially between my thighs and behind my knees. I still was recovering from a sunburn that turned me beet red 3 days ago. In some of the worse places my skin felt like a crispy, dehydrated paper that had been soaked in water from sweat, simply burning and stinging and uncomfortable. I tried to fall asleep for a few more moments. I wanted to sleep until worship service was over. I was afraid that my supervisors would get upset for me not being at the service. But my meltdown had made it pretty clear that I wasn't happy with what was going on here and it was in the religious sense. I didn't want to get in trouble. But I was going home in a few days anyway. At a minimum I could spend time with the locals and learn some Spanish or some of the local languages and culture. I drifted off....

.... and the earth started to shake under me. I woke in a fright. My body rattled against the wall. I had no idea what was happening. Cracks in the ceiling and wall appeared. I jerked up and down. It kept going. How long was this going to last? Is this an earthquake? Did a meteor hit somewhere and cause shock waves? What is going on?

Finally is stopped. Then there was a quick aftershock. I threw on a shirt and shorts and stumbled out in the outdoor veranda and hall where a crowd waiting to see us were already gathered. I was panicking. The building could have collapsed on me. No one was around that I could talk to. I wandered upstairs. Found some left over tortillas and beans and ate something. Took a shower. And when everyone came back from service.... no one had felt it. No one.

To this day, I wake up in the middle of the night shaking and my first thought is pure terror that the world is shaking. It happens almost every night. It took awhile (and patience from Adam) before I could override some of that I think logically. My blood sugar gets low all the time and I start trembling. The slight tremor wakes me up. But instead of waking and thinking.... I should eat something, my brain says.... run away! Even being on a second story or higher and the building moves or the floor shakes because something heavy is moving along it, I panic.

Easter Sunday, 2010, a 7.2 earthquake hits less than 200 miles south of San Diego. In San Diego we experience about 45 seconds of rolling earth and 3 obvious aftershocks. A house collapses in North park (about 15 blocks from me). Coronado bridges closes. Part of the highway is shut down because of boulders on the road. Terminal two at the airport is closed because part of the ceiling came down.

Monday night is another (perhaps two- my roommate felt one and i felt another) tremor.

And each time, it takes me at least 30 minutes to calm down enough to return to what I was doing. And I'm waking up in the middle of the night shaking because my blood sugar is low and all i can think about is the fact that a house collapsed.

Old Stories (vicki-red)

I broke a rule today that I have had with myself since I was in 3rd grade. I read some of my old diary entries/personal stories. I used to write stories and poems. This is the second of two posts. I wanted to share some of the essays/stories here with you....

Never Ending Nightmares

If you knew what I’ve been through you would understand me. I am tortured with nightmares of a past unlike my own. It is a fading memory of the night someone visited a train of death; a black train of tortured children on the verge of freedom yet insanity. It ran from one station to the next where it picked up children who had been labeled with bright red stickers given to them from the state, “I need help, I have a problem.” I got on accidentally after wandering too far… too far, too far…. too far into the realm of imagination and dreams. Anything is possible but anything can get you into a whole bunch of trouble and a prison of someone else’s nightmares. Those persons’ thoughts melt into your own in the land of thoughts and dreams and you become them….

Children could get off the black train if they passed the rigorous health tests of the state, but there was one exception to the rule. If you could find someone to take your place then you may leave. No matter how stupid it sounds it was the rule and I did it, too young to understand the consequences.

I met this boy, a little bit older than me and consented to his wishes. It was the last stop before doom and he was beside himself to get off. It was a quick switch of name tags and clothes and I was destined for a ruined childhood. We arrived at the station and I watched him walk off and it was then that I understood what I had foolishly done.

I did everything to get off, I was hysterical. I ran up the isle and into the chubby guy who pushed the food cart. After crying my heart out he confirmed to me that in fact those who take another’s place were foolishly trapped on this train, but if you can pass the health test you may get off. Unfortunately he didn’t tell me one piece of information that made me fail. Not only do you have to pass this mental and physical test but prove you are free from all the illnesses of the person you switched with. I signed up for the test, hysterical from the situation, and immediately failed without being looked at. After peeking at the medical sheet the nurse held, I read “The subject is showing signs of unstableness. She seems hysterical and has been known to be so often.” I knew I was doomed.

We pulled into a station surrounded by a large double fence; within the walls were trees, almost a forest of them. I could see a large jungle gym playground to the side of several red sandstone buildings. As each one of us were given new tags and separated, we were quickly herded to the school buildings and given schedules and lockers. It was the beginning to education within prison walls. At nights we each were guarded and it was not long before I broke. I broke down in a mass of confusion of why I was there and why couldn’t I leave.

The next day in gym, during swimming class, I discovered something amazing. We each had been issued new swim suits and I had a yellow bikini, square across the top and the bottoms were small shorts that sort of gave the appearance of being square across the bottom. Being in them gave me a tingly sensation, like magic was in them. Then, when I dove into the pool, I felt a sudden jolt of sensation and I felt like they were trying to lift me up for a split second and then I splashed down into the water. It was really strange. I decided to stay in my new suit for the rest of the day under my clothes and at recess the suit did it again. So instead of ignoring it I jumped and tried to fly. I jumped off the ground and didn’t come down! I just hovered there for a second before I freaked out and fell back down. It was a good thing that I was in a corner that no one else was. From then on I wore my yellow bikini under my clothes everyday and I practiced “flying” and discovered with a little imagination and belief in myself I could do anything. I started skipping classes when ever I was stressed, to go flying. Sometimes I fell asleep on the clouds. I had to be really careful no one saw me, but, it was when I was getting to comfortable with my new found talent that things started happening.

One day I was flying over the playground and decided to land on top of one of the buildings. The buildings had a lot of stones and rocks on top of them because they were flat. One of the stones rolled off and hit a teacher in the head. I was frantic because she called Buildings and Grounds to get a ladder and find out what was up on top of the roof. I couldn’t stay there and get caught but I couldn’t fly off because no one can miss someone in a bright yellow bikini. When the guy was half way up the ladder I panicked and fled. Off I flew and everyone below was astonished at what ever that yellow thing was. I was really scared of what would happen to me.

It was not long after that I was called down to the principal’s office. Thoughts were running through my head and kept coming back to, did they figure out I was the one who was flying? Scared out of my mind I was herded into the office. The dark haired, stern faced principal started in a deep tone, “Young lady, we have been noticing some strange behavior lately. You have been cutting classes and your teachers have been noticing that you don’t pay attention and seem to be in another world. Therefore we are giving you a guard to supervise you. He will be at you side at all times with the exception of when you are dressing and in the bathroom. All of your personal items will be taken from you also. That is all.”

My emotions ran from thank god he doesn’t know to I’m trapped! The guard led me to my first class, science. I had to ask to borrow a pen and a pencil and was horrified when my teacher told me I couldn’t have a pen because I could blow it up. The guard stood in the back of the classroom watching me the entire period. After class I gave my pencil back to the teacher and she gave me a look of surprise that I actually didn’t steal it and take it with me! During Math next period with my new borrowed pencil I started making a plan of escape. During recess I would climb on top of the highest tower on the playground. I would make to jump off and then would fly away.

What I didn’t expect was that I wouldn’t be allowed recess in the first place but I would have to sit outside with my guard. I sat fuming that my plan had failed until I realized I was still outside and I didn’t have to be on the playground to make my escape. Running as fast as I could to be as far away from the guard before I took off I tried to pull off as much of my clothes so that I wouldn't be pulled down by the extra weight. My bright yellow bikini was sending strong waves of tingly sensations through me. I took off and flew as high and fast as I could. But, again I didn’t expect what happened next. Before I knew it I was faced with the guards at the towers on the fence with showers of bullets. Bullets that brought the death I always knew would come from this place of endless doom in an endless realm of dreams.

I have always believed that if you can’t be happy in your home, you will never be happy anywhere. But, family is where home is and my family is unlike any other. There are so many differences and experiences that make us unique, sometimes so brutally painful or just honestly simple. When a physically disabled college girl, born with Spina Bifida, met an entrepreneur-ing out of state boy, my dad once told me “there was a connection that just transcended all the physical levels”. They got married right out of college, had two children, and moved to a tiny island off of Grand Island in Buffalo, New York.

I’m the eldest of those two, an able bodied, healthy young girl. My parents have always worked very hard to support us all. Living in Buffalo, I remember happily piling all my stuffed animals on my bed at night and then watching the stars out my windows, windows too high to see out of. When I got in trouble, my stern mother would send me to time out, behind the kitchen door. It was always my luck to be behind the door when my dad got home from work, because I would be crushed against the wall. It was a terrible time for my mother though, being trapped in the house.

Her birth defect, specifically called Myelomeningocele means that there is a hole in her spine and when she was born, part of her spinal column and much of the spinal fluid was in a sac on the outside of her body. Several operations and a lifetime of physical pain is all she has known. I know that when I was five, she got really sick and was hospitalized. With my dad working two jobs and the social workers concerned about my brother and I, we were shipped off to our grandparents’ house until my dad moved our family to a small farming town south of Rochester, near all of my mother’s doctors and family.

For me, I have managed to grow up in a very affluent public school and somewhat sheltered lifestyle. She worked in the school and so everyone knew her and therefore me. But it was a curse for me. Sometimes, having a needy mother makes it feel like I have one parent and two siblings, both taking all the attention. Naturally I lashed out at school, my teachers worried about me, my friends hated me, and my pastor hugged me, until she moved away. We always fought because she always pushed… if she got through her struggle, then my life must be easy and my problems insignificant. Thus, my mother and I are not the best of friends. If I wanted to feign sick or cry to the counselor, I couldn’t… she worked in the Nurse’s office, as well as the Counseling office, and the Main office.

When I was in high school, I realized that my parents and my life were very different then other peoples’. My only real friend had a brain tumor and had undergone major operations. I was a fortunate girl for empathizing with so many people. I even mentored a little girl with deaf parents. But high school drama nearly tore our family apart and my life. Desperate for compassion, I became the victim of an abusive boyfriend and then lost my good friend to the same guy. At the same time, my dad lost his job, and several months later I was involved in a serious car accident that totaled my dad’s car, the most valuable asset to my dad’s new and struggling business, our only hope for financial survival.

Over the past year, our family has learned to live much closer together because we have one car. We each make sacrifices of time and money just to get by. But I have especially started to see a bright light in my future. My experience of life has made me a very unique individual. I have taken what I have learned and become very active in the community and local government, standing up for youth rights. However, besides giving me the most challenging and rewarding environment in which to grow up in, my mother has inspired me to help other people by becoming a doctor.

February 24, 2002

Do you know that point, when someone you love and have known for a long time does something that breaks your trust, forever? It will never be the same. Do you know that point?

A parents’ love for a child is said to the strongest of all.

What pushes a parent to the point of breaking that trust? Or….. completely backing away, no more part of that child’s life. Detaching yourself.

When that trust is broken, an inseparable bond snaps, it can never be sewn back together exactly how it once was. You may get to know and love that person later on more that you ever did, but that little scar is still there.

Today, I mark this day. A bond, a trust, broken.

At first is hurts, you cry. You don’t understand. It’s like you have lost them forever.

I remember the first time.

You only get two chances. Only two hopes. Only two parents. At first you can’t believe it. Denial. Then it doesn’t hurt as much. Even when it happens again it doesn’t hurt as much.

The bond has already been broken.

You don’t remember the pain. You can’t understand why it hurt so much. Then you begin to trust again. But not unconditionally.

It gets better. Sometimes. My first didn’t. I only have one parent now. But now, today, I don’t know. I know one is lost, but maybe I have a chance.

What do I do?

Old poems Vicki- Red

I broke a rule today that I have had with myself since I was in 3rd grade. I read some of my old diary entries/personal stories. I used to write stories and poems. This is the first of two posts. I wanted to share some of the poems here with you....

A dandelion against the shed,

Yellow laboring soundless…

Blithely comforts,

Simply peaceful.

Quietly falls white-blond.

If there are such thing as angels

That save from above,

You are the devil

That showed me heaven

Through the gates of hell.

Saved from every fear

I’ve seen the devil’s cruel face.

Live through it and learn

But never forget

Never regret.

Love

Hate

Forgiveness

Time

I destroyed myself for you,

Rebuilt myself for you,

Found everything because of you,

And almost lost everything too.

Dreaming gave me what I wanted

While you played with my heart.

Cuz like a cat and mouse

It’s your way

You care.

So, I stand in the wind,

Problems blow away;

I lie in the sun

and they melt into puddles.

Gentle sounds of water

Wash away the fears

And kiss everything below.

Submit to defeat;

Leave behind the mask

painstakingly built,

Because the whirlwind,

A vortex of chaos,

Changes

Everything.

Love, don’t hate…

Forgive and don’t forget,

Never regret

remember that feelin u had,

the one when this evil deed was done

unto u?

think back upon the

vow

u made

to nvr let that happen to anyone u knew.

remember me in your next thought

and how this irony has unfold.

triple it by three...

one for the impact he left on my life,

the memories he boiled out of my locked soul.

And two for the peace you have placed in my heart,

o jesus be gentle with me.

And three, could you ever imagine wut we got

to and where we gone, so dang'rus 'n lust?

now think

how i FEEL!

and on second thought,

is it worth

loosing me

for his love?

Why is this the only reason

I do as you

Say,

Fear binds me

To a path I don’t want.

Will you yell at me

For 3 days straight

6 hours of screaming each

4 days of hate

Or drag me by my hair?

I don't want to go to church.

I'm sorry that I didn't do as you said, but

My arm burns

Where he scraped it against the table edge.

I don’t want to find

My self in a corner with a hand,

A foot plate in my back

Or a bed post by my head.

No escape,

Anger irrationally hates.

So today I stay

In my bed,

My room where

I run, but you always follow.

Safe for the first time

Because he is no longer here

And you can’t get in.

Love to obsession;

love turned to rage and

thenceforth

a drowning pool.

Will fear really

BECOME all?

Where is my mind,

it echoes…

I hear voices, my past, talking…

Insanity and my past comes alive,

Roller coasters of emotion.

The places where roller coasters echo are not

quiet places.

Trapped again.

I remember this feeling,

This one right now… see my eyes, wide!

My future is to start again…

THE SAME, will it come again?

Don’t push me,

I might easily give in.

Hair as black as coal, straight, too straight;

A saint.

She promises responsibility to God.

her children must know the right path, a godly one.

Her child loves me.

Empathetic eyes full of tears, so sad;

A saint.

She is the door through which entered the Lord.

Her child loves me.

Lighthouses guide more than the lonely, lost boats.

Standing serene and strong.

A lot of love flows from mothers…

and children.

God’s children, forever.

Anxious

Again.

It seems every time

I’m

In a wonderful place

It always falls apart.

Afraid of my past

The screaming kills

My heart! My soul!

The insanity!

Hit me

Slaughter me

Yell once more

Put me away

To

Make more pain

Push me over the line

I DARE!!!!

Schools’ torture

Enraged the crying beast of me.

My only comfort from home

Tossed me back into misery.

I hated them

And they so called loved me.

But then

They turn

They turn on me

They turn on me

It seems.

Afraid

Left alone to die

To wander in the dark

Emotion running high

The fire destroys my heart inside

From the ashes

Comes alive, a phoenix inside!!!

Come to me

O healing storm.

Jesus be gentle with me.

Let this new place

Be

Free

Of that fear

Of that old me.

LaYeRs

Does a strawberry hide

A SECRET SELF

A blueberry’s pride

HAS A CRAZY MIND, BUT

Indian corn has an

OUTSIDE SO SWEET

Ocean rhythm

AND HARMONY IN DEPTHS UNCOVERED.

Its been an easy week? (Bex-orange)

I cant concentrate.

When I get really emotional the bipolar makes my rational brain shut off. What I mean by shut off or down is "leaving conscious thought & influence". All the rational parts and my ability to interpret things and be logical shut down. The emotional parts of my brain seem to have free rein. Its not that I am more emotional, its just that I can't regulate my emotions as much/well (ie: this is inappropriate to say, or this feeling is dangerous if you act it out) so I say and do things based on my emotions that I would normally prevent myself from doing because I'm not able to think about why I shouldn't say/do it (like any rational, stable person does). When I get really emotional and my rational brain shuts down, I often don't know WHY i'm upset/happy/whatever either. The conscious recognition is gone. Often I can't even identify that I am having an emotion. I just am upset or happy or angry, etc. Someone has to say something before I consciously realize it. This shutting down causes me to have a quick temper because if something triggers me to be overemotional, its like pushing me off a steep hill covered in snow in a sled. I am emotional, my rational brain starts shutting down, and I spiral downhill unable to stop being sucked into the emotion and acting it out. A funny side effect is if I am in an argument and I am saying something that is really important to me but I am interrupted, then I won't be able to remember what was important to me that i was talking about. I only have the feeling of what i was saying, like a ghost. The thought seems like its locked up somewhere that I can't get to anymore. I usually don't find it funny at the time, but thats a different story.

Unfortunately, when I have a panic attack my EMOTIONAL centers shut down. They shut down in the sense that I am thinking about WHY I'm emotional, but I don't feel the emotion itself. Panic attacks are normally characterized by a stream of "over-thinking" and "analyzing" and your so called "rational" brain is over-rationalizing and changing its mind about what course of action to take too quickly. It then sends these conflicting signals to the emotional brain to regulate the emotions associated with the topic from which the brain is dealing with but the emotional brain freezes cause it can't deal with so many conflicting messages. Those same conflicting signals about how to act out the thought are sent to the "action" center of the brain, a more primitive "automatic" center of the brain. PTSD symptoms are often accompanied by breaking out in a sweat or faster heart beat or other bodily signs of distress as well, which are controlled by this action center. This part also controls your automatic functions, like heart beat, body temperature, etc. It starts tweaking out because of the conflicting messages too. Thats why people having a panic attack sometimes cant breathe rhythmically or are twitching.

When I'm having a panic attack, in a way I can "feel" what I am thinking through my bodily reactions, but I cant feel them in my heart, so to speak. For example: if I am sad I normally feel depressed, maybe like crying, sometimes helpless. I will have a down turned mouth, "sad" eyes, maybe tears, change in body temperature, etc. If I am sad during a panic attack, I will notice my mouth is pulled down and my eyes will sting as they do right before you cry, and I will be cold but I won't have the heavy heart of depression and need for the emotional release to cry.

So, what happens if you combine Bipolar and PTSD. For me, if a PTSD trigger is an emotional event, my rational/logical center starts malfunctioning cuz of the PTSD and shutting off consciousness due to the bipolar. My emotional center (because of the PTSD) freezes up. When my rational and emotional brain are shut down I often can't even recognize that I'm having a panic attack until I realize that my body is showing a ridiculous number of distress signs/symptoms all at once. My body is freaking out and I am not able to comprehend it emotionally or logically. I can only work backwards from, oh!.... my heart is beating fast, and i'm fidgity, and wow! there are a lot of things to see in this room.... oh my, my thoughts are racing really fast, why am i breathing so heavy?, what is going on? omg, I can't sit still or breathe slower, i am not feeling comfortable.... etc, etc. It spirals downhill from there. Its hard for me to realize when it is happening until I am desperately trying to get the uncomfortable bodily sensations to go away.

My rational brain is still going a mile a minute and I'm only able to think of how my body is freaking out and what is in my environment around me in a hyper-stimulated way. The PTSD is preventing me from being able to connect the thoughts together and use logic as to what is even going on because like I said before, the rational/logical center is short circuiting and subsequently is then sending out all these conflicting messages to the emotional and action centers. The Bipolar subsequently makes it difficult to figure out what has triggered the attack in the first place (ie: an emotional event, someone touched me the wrong way, etc). But then the PTSD naturally prevents me from being able to get the emotional clues as to whats causing this either, cuz it has frozen up from all the conflicting signals coming from the rational/logical brain. Its terrifying to be having a panic attack and not know that you are having a panic attack cuz u are not getting emotional or logical signals, only bodily signals.

That being said, I realized today that I had 3 full blown panic attacks this week and several mini ones. Why am I having panic attacks?

I don't have my emotional life in order. Its a mess. The smallest thing with a friend or expectation or pressure tips me over the edge. Last week I reached a point where I wanted to say that I was starting to be on the upswing of dealing with my stressors of the last few months. But of course, the body releases/deals with past trauma only when you are "ready" to deal with it and it tends to shows up only after you have acquired the skills to handle it. SO, apparently its time again. I'm starting to get triggered by PTSD triggers that are "deeper" and I suppose are more of the root cause of many of my problems in the first place. Funny thing is, I haven't had panic attacks for 2 years. I had very thoroughly dealt with it in a general sense 2 years ago already. I knew it wasn't nearly all addressed then and I knew that I would have to revisit it. Perhaps it can be explained by the fact that I'm also starting to get into the deeper parts of my therapy (after 4 months!) which is uncovering a lot. I feel that the fact that I can identify the root causes of the PTSD AND identify more than one is saying a lot in my opinion.

School is overwhelming me. Publicly coming out as transgender for the first time is overwhelming me. Publicly facing being transgender openly is overwhelming me. Accepting and learning how to function in public versus in private with a mental illness is overwhelming me. Accepting and learning how to function in school with a mental illness is overwhelming me. Being in the last dying throws of a incompatible and not functioning 2 year relationship gone friendship is simply twisting the knife in my fragile emotional heart further. Attempting to come to terms with a relationship that you ended years ago but the other party wants to restart and you don't want to trust that person again is maddening, not to mention the drama surrounding it with other people too.

My first instinct is to say that all these things that happened this week have been easier to deal with and its been a pretty easy week compared to the last few weeks. But when I think about it and write it out, I realize that given I've been breaking down into panic attacks and the magnitude of each of those events individually are a pretty big deal, I think is is safe to say that my brain has been doing a pretty good job of numbing and shutting down. And knowing that makes me feel more appreciate of who I am and how I function.

I'm also realizing as I write this that one of the reasons why I find written communication so much easier, and subsequently blogging is that it is somehow a partial exception to the rule. When my bipolar is interfering with my ability to reason or think straight, especially when someone is talking, writing it out helps me make sense of it. Blogging gives me a way to reason out my emotions and even be conscious of them instead of just acting on them blindly. Its hard to believe what a difference it makes to be angry and to recognize that you are angry. If I don't recognize that I'm feeling a certain way, I can't encourage or discourage it or change it. I can't adapt to my environment. When my emotions and thinking centers of my brain don't continually communicate I can't tell someone that what they are saying or doing hurts me or crosses a boundary. I can't interact with groups of people, only individuals, because they can adapt to my inability to adapt. Its sad.

But you know what, reasoning my way through this makes me feel like I have more control. Next time I have a panic attack, I will be prepared.

Maybe next post I can blog about how ingesting gluten makes me feel and how it causes a double bipolar EPISODE (not just having bipolar what it naturally does). The I can describe what happens when it is at the same time as a panic attack. :-) jkjkjk Seriously though.... I'm not sure I can describe the sheer terror it is to experience it. And you thought what I just wrote was frightening. I compare it to what I imagine it would feel like to have rabies and be drugged on a strong sedative after 6 cups of coffee.... as in completely losing you mind nearly instantaneously and going crazy, acting crazy, loosing your ability to hear, feel, see, smell, taste, and even move your limbs & digits correctly, feeling so tired that you want to pass out but completely tweaking out and not capable of resting either AND completely clueless as to how you ended up like this, how to make it stop, and how to prevent it from happening again, only that you want to scream from the agonizing pain, disorientation, confusion, and distress and want help but no one thinks anything is wrong with you. If you are lucky, you end up in the ER or a pysch ward where they force feed you more gluten and the cycle starts again! FUN. and that is only the beginning of days of inside out gut wrenching pain, the deepest & most hopeless induced depression possible, the wish to die, inability to sleep, your nervous system short circuiting and your body constantly twitching, complete loss of the ability to digest, absorb, and utilize nutrients from food or water, and gaining 10 lbs in water weight while loosing 5 lbs in actual weight. Don't forget what I described in the rest of this blog entry in addition to all this.

Almost makes a "normal" panic attack with a bipolar altered brain seem like a walk in the park. And guess what, it only takes one nibble of a roll or piece of bread to cause all that.

School (Vicki- white/black)

I started school yesterday! I'm thrilled. I am taking 10.6 units which is two courses. One is a lab class twice a week and the other is lecture. All of my classes are 4 hours long.

Yesterday I had the first of the two days of lab. It is held at the main campus in University Heights (not named after this school but rather one of the first schools--- not a college---in San Diego located in the area). Lab entails learning the basics of Swedish Massage by giving the massage and receiving it. I certainly am looking forward to that!

I nearly had two panic attack in class when I realized that I hadn't thought out the gender thing as thoroughly as I should have. a) lab requires disrobing. b) My ID badge and all the class rosters, etc have my legal name so I am introduced as female. c) Not discussing potential gender/name issues with the school BEFORE classes start means I am forced to "come out" to my teachers and classmates in order to correct name and/or gender assumptions. I did get a chance to talk to one of the office staff during a break in class and he seemed extremely willing to help me find accommodation if any are needed. We agreed to discuss matters on a case by case basis.

I came home last night feeling good about everything. We didn't have any homework yet.

Today was my lecture class: Anatomy and Physiology. I am SO excited for this class. I have always wanted to take an anatomy and physiology class. My teacher is an intense butch-lesbian looking woman and possibly Jewish. She is a chiropractor and the epitome of geeking out about science-y stuff. She loves detail and is very animated. As far as I can tell she is a good teacher, is great at explaining things through metaphor when necessary, is hard on herself and others, and has a low self-esteem. This 4-hour lecture consisted of opening the textbook and working our way through what seemed like the glossary and an intense review of nearly every upper level science course I have ever taken. Extensive notes were written down. Everything is expected to be memorized by next week for an exam. We cover one whole body system in depth each week. That is, a whole body system in minute detail each week. At about 2.5 hours my brain maxed out and I couldn't take notes anymore. I couldn't concentrate. About this point was when we started talking about genetics and quantum physics (both topics I'm OBSESSED about) and I got so excited I couldn't really concentrate for the rest of the class. We did get 10 min breaks every hour, so that helped a bit.

So I'm home now. I had intended on blogging earlier today and then again tomorrow. I spent the day going from appointment to appointment and then coming home and taking a nap. I've been so stressed out lately that I am not sleeping well (whats new, right?). I want to focus only on relaxing and getting food into me so that I can sleep when I get home from school. But, the over excitement and feeling overwhelmed by the homework for the week has me so keyed up i can't sleep.

I realized that this might have something to do with the bi-polar, so I looked it up. Apparently, it does. A couple of things I need to be careful about is always having a "safe place" to go if I feel overwhelmed, going to school part time, and breaking up homework into small chunks. I don't do well with verbal instructions and have a hard time taking notes (I'm MUCH better now, tho, thanks to the FUND). Tomorrow my plan is to create a game plan for myself to prevent going manic in class (like I pretty much did tonight) and managing my homework without freaking out. Unfortunately, the school is so small that there is no disability resource center or even a counseling center. I have heard there is a tutoring "center". I will need to find out what is available for me there.

On a side note, thankfully, my self-diagnosis to balance my lithium levels killed two birds with one stone. I found a supplement that is magnesium, potassium, calcium, and phosphate. Taking this along with my multi-vitamin (and being careful not to overdose, so my dosages of both are adjusted) has significantly improved my blood sugar problems!!!!! and helps mitigate the lithium symptoms. YAY! From the little research that I did, I would assume this indicates that if my body is not absorbing the amount of minerals that I need from my diet then my intestines are still very much damaged from the Celiac and while still malabsorbing, will probably take several more years to fully heal. Hypothetically, when my intestines are fully healed, I will be able to eat dairy again. I hope and pray.

Also, I look forward to the fact that becoming a massage therapist will help me manage my PTSD better and pain management from body memory trauma epicenters. Due to my lithium, I had to stop taking all pain killers last September. I am supposed to be on an aspirin regimen and continuing with my physical therapy exercises. Somehow, its like a catch-22. I feel so shitty I can't get the exercise that I need. When I'm feeling healthy enough to exercise (which I am supposed to do to manage the PTSD, stress- I am heavily dependent on two meds right now and have been for 1.5 years, and blood sugar levels- I am pre-diabetic) I am afraid to work out too much because my body is is not absorbing nutrients and I am at risk for malnutrition and severe weight loss. Good news is, I actually managed to GAIN weight these last few months! Bad news is, I can't afford to loose it because I looked gaunt.

My dilemma is accentuated by wanting to work out at the gym like the guys and look like a guy. But I'm too god damn lazy and scared to work out. I'm so pre-occupied by wanting to pass as a guy that even when I'm Vicki I find myself trying to pass as a guy. Its sad. I feel trapped. I need guy clothes. I need a guy haircut. I want to bind. I want to hang out and watch sports games with other dudes. I want people to be confused when they look at me and not know if I am a guy or girl. i want to move on with my life and not have to think about these things, rather just live them. I don't mind being my own advocate. I just mind having a look that undermines who I say I am. Starting school at this moment kinda complicates things a bit. I'm not saying that I don't want to be in school! Not at all! I wish I had sorted this all out at least a few weeks earlier so that I could get off on the right foot. I'm gunna be ok. It will all work out. .... thats why apparently I have ayurvedic energy called Kapha and when faced with the option of fight or flight, I choose the third option: FREEZE.

No longer a concrete angel cuz I'm flying away (Bex- black/white)

I've been having a really tough time lately. I have more support with doctors and meds and therapy than most. I am extremely thankful that I get treatment at UCSD and at a clinic that is focused on serving the LGBT community, so honestly I am getting better care than 99% of Americans in my situation.

That doesn't mean I still am not struggling. I'm dealing with WAY more than any person my age should be. The only person that can pull me thru this is me. I've been really offended that the response I have gotten from my last blog has been largely negative. In that case, don't read it. If you have questions, concerns, comments, let me know! Even if it is to say, "I don't understand". Unless you people personally let me know you are reading this, I am going to keep writing whatever comes to mind as if no one is reading it. And that kind of response makes my ability to get through all this all the more difficult.

I'm sorry to see people moving on and out of my life. Some get jealous when I'm happy. Others are angry when they don't understand me. Some are interested in using me for information to hurt others. I write this blog for me, and me alone. I also write this blog to stand up as a voice of diversity.

I had a big (extended) weekend. Its the one year anniversary of a very painful series of events. In an effort to do something positive, I decided to explore some of the coastal parks near me. Staring at rock formation after rock formation that are breath taking and watching waves play over the coastline made me happy. The waves played over the rocks and stones, sand and vegetation, and tumbled over themselves. It looked as if they were living only to have fun. I realized that all that I've been through: with my parents divorce, getting sick, losing my scholarship and research at school, rebuilding my life in a new place, and then losing everything I built for myself all over again, made me forget how to have fun and enjoy life. I'm thankful that I'm experiencing this now and not when I'm older when I have so much more to loose. I'm still young. I can start again. The waves made me want to live a life that is worth living. To have fun. That life is meant to be lived only so that you can play.

So with my new insight I had my first day of school Friday evening. Then afterwards I went to "girls night" with a few friends (we have "girls nite" almost every week) and we watched Yes Man. Saturday morning I went back to Sunset Cliffs and while I had intended on finding the park and set up a blanket to read instead of exploring the coastline, I ended up in a three hour adventure that included fields of flowers (which is impressive when you live in a desert), hiking over rock formations, repelling down a cliff face to reach a beach, mini-caves, tide pools, and the feeling that I was on the TV show Lost at times with nothing but the water bottle and granola bar in my bag.

I returned home sun burnt in the shape of my sun dress and got ready to go to a country concert at Viejas Casino at one of the Indian reservations a bit inland. It brought back a lot of memories, both good and bad. Country music was one of the few things that kept me alive through High School, other than I had psychosis so bad that I was hearing voices, seeing things that weren't there, and convinced I was going to die when I was 17 in a car crash anyway. Why bother killing yourself if you know when you are gunna die and all you gotta do is wait it out, right? I'm glad I got through that despite my acting out and the lack of therapy I so desperately begged for... but I suppose its water under the bridge. Its something that I can look back and only take away the lessons I learned. One thing is for sure, I miss country music. And it makes me happy because its about emotions, hope, faith, and truth. I think I needed to let country go for a while to discover some things for myself. I also needed to find a place in my life where I wasn't constantly feeling ready to fight or flee; in survival mode. But I'm ready to play and have fun again. No one is going to bring me down unless I let them. People can say mean thing and do bad things, but if I acknowledge why it hurt and stand up for myself, I won't be the "victim junkie that can't escape" anymore.

I needed to survive and i did with the tools I had. I am learning how to survive with new tools that help me transcend.

"Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

I'm flying away. I'm no longer a concrete angel. I'm rising above! I'm living my dreams. And i'm in a place where I feel like I am loved.

Hellooooo? (Bex-Yellow)

Is anyone out there? I know there are other ppl like me. My blog used to be high on the google search but since I stopped blogging for a few years it has slipped. If you have a blog, let me know! I know my friends and family are reading this too!

Feedback and comments would be wonderful. I really need support. thanx

On a different note: I want to get my hair cut like Jude Law. When I deal with a few Alex issues, I'm going to get a wig so that I can be Vicki more comfortably. This a huge step for me. I'm terrified. I've been combing the internet and have found a dozen other people like me (gender-wise). I'm hoping to create a community.

Few people are blogging about bipolar either, although I haven't searched very hard. I'd like to say, what sux most about bipolar is that you are completely fine one minute, then you SNAP. You are free-falling into this emotional quagmire thats like quicksand. The more you struggle, the faster and deeper you go. The past few days as I have been at emotional capacity have been certainly a learning experience.

One the Celiac Front, well, unemployment is making food options scarce and gluten free, soy free, dairy free food choices that are balanced very difficult. The added impact of medications makes the whole thing more complicated as I struggle with my blood sugar, sodium levels, and staying hydrated. Honestly, leave it to me to be sodium deficient and have to find MORE processed foods to eat.

Molecular Biology (Alex- green)

I find myself at times obsessed with pharmacology. At other times obsessed with genetics. I intend on going into one of those fields, or maybe some hybrid field of the two. When something goes wrong with my body, my first reaction is, "did I expose myself to dairy, gluten, or soy?". If not, then "did I do something or eat something abnormal that might cause these symptoms?" If its still in the negative, I ask myself "Am I lacking something in my diet that might cause these symptoms?". If its still negative, I put the issue off, wait to feel better and look for more clues, especially if it happens again.

I've been really challenged by this Lithium thing. I'm having side effects that are not "normal". Lithium does not contain gluten dairy or soy. Changes in my diet or routine do not significantly affect symptoms. But when my symptoms are bad, water has no taste and my blood sugar levels are SUPER wacky.

I had noticed almost 3 years ago that when I'm "deficient" in salt I get sleepy and depressed. This is what precipitated dropping out of college. Later I learned that salt "deficiency" also makes my blood sugar problems get worse. So, I got in the habit of making myself a glass of salt water and drinking it on a regular basis. Albeit, salt seemed to have relatively little impact on my blood sugar compared to other things, so I never really paid attention to it unless I got really stressed out, which apparently led to getting salt "deficient".

Enter in Lithium. I got diagnosed with Bipolar. I started getting the same symptoms that I get when I am stressed. So I eat/drink some extra salt, and I'm fine. But when I started taking higher dosages, the salt didn't cut it. Thats when i realized Lithium is in the same chemical family as sodium. It may be indirectly or directly affecting the sodium channels in my cells that regulate water balance between the inside and outside of the cell membrane. The lithium was causing dehydration which led to headaches and bloating because water was being forced out of the cell. This in turn makes sodium levels lower inside the cell, creating a spiraling catch-22. Now, this is all an assumption, based on my biology classes, so don't quote me on this. but eating and drinking massive amounts of salt helped relieve the headaches and bloating. Problem is that purposely intaking that much salt was difficult to maintain, and I know most people don't need that much salt. It can't be healthy.

About 2 months ago I was having really bad symptoms. Sodium wasn't helping. I noticed, however, I was craving foods that I normally don't like. I realized that all of them have something in common. They are super high in Potassium. A quick search made me realize that potassium is in the same chemical family as lithium and sodium. Potassium is also critical to sodium absorption. So, I did an experiment. I increased my potassium intake and reduced my sodium intake. My symptoms diminished rapidly. Sweet!

I went out and bought a good multi-vitamin and have been taking it everyday. I finally started the Lithium Extended Release 2 days ago and had my dosage upped. I'm taking the symptoms much much better than expected. But I'm still struggling. The vitamins are not cutting it. I'm not interested in consuming half my salt shaker as salt water nor eating seaweed plain, and neither am I interested in eating gratuitous amounts of potatoes and odd foods that don't find as easily a comfortable home in my kitchen since it doesn't serve a veggie loving vegetarian anymore. My liquid trace-ionic minerals just ran out as well. What do I do?

First of all, what the hell is in the liquid trace-ionic minerals that makes me feel better when just plain sodium and potassium doesn't. Certainly, the salt I use and the trace-minerals have both potassium and sodium in them. Potassium is not the most plentiful mineral however. Its magnesium. Whats magnesium?

Magnesium is critical in the absorption of potassium. What foods have magnesium in them? Nearly every food that I don't like (which isn't many) or can't have (gluten, dairy, or soy) has magnesium. The few things that I do like that have magnesium in them I will at times binge on them for days. All of them have relatively low magnesium levels in them compared to the "better" foods, but still have quite a bit. Subsequently, I also found out that magnesium is the most critical mineral someone with Celiac Disease needs to supplement into their diet.

So, now I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I invest in more liquid minerals, do I take my recommended dosage of vitamins (I usually take a half dose) which are super expensive but have 150% the recommended dosage (and my body is still not absorbing 100% again), or do I start eating food that I don't like.

If I have more magnesium in my diet my body I will absorb & use potassium better. If I absorb potassium better I will absorb and use sodium better. If I absorb and use sodium more efficiently I can stave off side effects of my bi-polar medication (lithium) AND stabilize my blood sugar levels. If my blood-sugar levels are stabilized I sleep better, my body also doesn't react as if I'm in starvation mode, and I eat less food ($). If I sleep better and I am not always in fight or flight mode then my bi-polar episodes and mood swings are diminished.

If my body wasn't already craving magnesium in the foods i eat, I would never have discovered this. AMAZING how just one little thing can cause so many problems. Its a chain reaction of events!

50-50 (Bex- Yellow)

Over the past 3 months I have been undergoing an intense therapy program. I'm starting to hit the deep stuff, and I have a feeling its only the beginning. Today i went to an orientation for a therapy program called DBT. (I don't know what it means) It was originally designed for patients with borderline personality disorder. Now its open it anyone. It teaches you life skills and behavioral changes. I didn't come away from the orientation very happy though.

I learned a lot about how my behavior triggered Adam. The whole thing really hit me in the face that our problems were 50-50.... even when he claimed I was the one who had the problem (obvious ones, yes). It also forced me to own up to my own problems.

The program will be good for me. I have a feeling it won't be easy though.

Best News in Months! (Vicki- Orange)

FUCKING MEDICATIONS!

I have bi-polar. I need meds. All bi-polar meds but two have dairy in them. I can't tolerate dairy because the Celiac Disease destroyed my ability to do so. So, I can either take Lithium or Depakote. Depakote is apparently a dangerous drug with scary side affects. I've been taking Lithium for almost a year now, but I've been taking higher dosages lately and it is affecting me so bad I am not functioning well at all. Not sleeping well, my blood sugar is bottoming out at night (hypoglycemia), I'm bloated, always thirsty and dehydrated, headaches.....I have a fast metabolism so I need a higher dosage, but the side affects are limiting me to well below therapeutic levels.

I had a mini-manic episode 3.5 weeks ago. We decided 2 weeks ago to switch me to Depakote. But the health clinic only has Depakote Extended Release, so I have to wait 4 weeks for it to be special ordered because Depakote ER has dairy in it. Now, there are "safe" bi-polar meds with next to no side effects. But they all have dairy in them. The clinic I go to is part of the existing "public health care" program that Obama is trying to expand, which is the so called "Government Run Health Care". The clinics had most of their funding cut last year, so they are limited in resources. I don't have health insurance--- can't afford it---- but I get my meds and doctors visits, etc free from the public health care system (this is not to be confused with Medicare). To tell you the truth, I get better mental care without insurance than with it.

But anyway, just like last time, my manic episode was followed by a depressive episode. I have another 2 weeks to wait before I can switch off of Lithium to Depakote. I called my doctor today because my symptoms are getting worse. Apparently, there is a slow-release Lithium. Since my side effects are mostly caused by my fast metabolism, its worth a try. But then again, is it gluten free, dairy free, and soy free?

Thankfully it is.... and the order is being filled at the pharmacy now. Best news in months!

I love to cook! (Vicki- Red)

Another thing that is therapeutic for me, other than writing/blogging.... is cooking, and all food related activities including talking about food. (on a side note... I'm also obsessed with sound therapy and aromatherapy and am starting school in 2 weeks for massage therapy! I wouldn't mind learning more about art therapy either)

I've been neglecting my cookbook lately. I follow 150 gluten free blogs, have piles of cookbooks, and many friends from distant places. Being unemployed has forced me to learn how to live on a food budget that is reduced 75%. Honestly though, its been good for me. And my recipes have gotten tastier and reliable. The book is starting to take shape and show signs of personality. My goal is to let my cookbook guide itself into cohesion. So far, its been a profitable path.

This evening I perused 650 blog entries that I have neglected since valentines day. Found some interesting new facts, a new bar in Hillcrest serving gf beer, some novelty recipes (like goldfish crackers and dairy-free and soy-free sour cream), some new products to keep an eye out for in the grocery store, and a few recipes I want to try out.

I am thankful everyday that I love to cook (now baking is a whole different story and not exactly my idea of fun). I cannot imagine how I would live if I didn't, considering all of my food sensitivities and the Celiac disease. I have to be a devil in avoiding gluten, dairy, and soy. I'm so sensitive that even soy or gluten in the air will make me sick. Me being sick from gluten not only triggers a bi-polar episode (often more than 2) but renders me physically and mentally "injured" for weeks. But, I am very very careful AND I love to cook.... so in many cases, my disability is my blessing. Now if only I could say that for the bi-polar.....

one last note about something that just dawned on me. I love to talk. Often I love to talk about the same things, because they are what fascinate me. Or I like to talk about what I'm theorizing about. Writing/blogging many of these thoughts could be a significant part of me setting up healthy boundaries. I have spent so much of the last few months learning about healthy boundaries that I'm surprised that I didn't think about this before.

give me a moment here..... this is a revolutionary thought for my brain stuck in a box. I need to make sure I remember this when life gets much more complicated and I'm not at home all day.

An island of peace

I've had a traumatic day. A bittersweet day.

Now, I feel very proud of myself. I've been working hard the past 3 months to learn ways to set boundaries, manage my emotions, communicate better, and be honest with myself and others. I'm on a higher lithium dosage now too, so that helps. My roommate is moving out and decided to not give 30-days notice. Rent is due Monday and he won't pitch in his half. We had a "confrontation" this morning. It ended with him storming out the door just before I completely lost it.

I'm disturbed that I almost lost it. I've been working so hard and I should be better than that. I'm working to have compassion with myself though. No one is perfect and every situation isn't perfect. I wonder to what degree I am disturbed by being angry and having a short temper versus having bi-polar. There is a lot of guilt.

For the first time, in forever, I feel as if I dealt with the situation maturely and rationally. And, I set boundaries that I won't give in with. I have this odd sense of peace that I am no longer giving the other party the power to control me. I have totally accepted whatever decision he makes already. Experiencing this is completely new to me. Normally I'm thrashing, trying to speculate what the next move will be, being totally in anguish and angry that "someone would do this to me". Its a good stress to be dealing with this boundary setting. I'm still terribly angry about it all, but I DON'T FEEL VICTIMIZED!

That was the first half of my day. I then went off to Starbucks, got some tea and read my book, "Buddha's Brain". I've been getting "self-help" books from the library. I view reading them as my daily psych homework or therapy homework. My next chapter was, ironically, on how to "cool the fire" when emotionally charged. It took a while to get through it because I had a lot of applicable subject matter in which to apply the chapter's material to. I'm glad that I did.

My next task on the daily agenda was to try out a weekly discussion group at the Center for transgender. It was a terrifying experience to build up the courage to do even go. When I am really scared or anxious or nervous, I often jump into Bex.

Bex is my strong, independent fighter. Bex is often more courageous than Alex and Vicki are willing to be. Alex and Vicki can be, they just choose not to be. Being tri-gender is not like having multiple personalities, even though it may seem that way. I am one person with one set of beliefs, values, ideas, preferences, characteristics, etc. My gender influences how I react to those beliefs, values, ideas, preferences, etc. So in this case, Bex is more courageous only because hir gender naturally inclines to take advantage of that character trait on a stronger level than Vicki or Alex. Vicki would rather let someone else be courageous but certainly can be just as courageous as Bex if forced into the situation.To be thorough, Alex is probably more courageous than Vicki but less than Bex. Alex tends to be somewhat chivalrous. Bex is kinda like the wood nymph/elf in "In the name of the King" movie played by Kristanna Loken.

Anyway, I had a very positive experience at the discussion group. It was my first time being out to strangers and first time talking about things that have never gotten any further than being thought about. Again, good stress. Half way through, I switched into Alex, which was unusual. Alex rarely comes out in front of other people, especially a group of people. In fact, last week was the first time Alex was "out" in front of a group of people. I intend on going to the group on a regular basis now.

The unfortunate thing about being Alex, today, following this group session, was that I was going to go see the Vagina Monologues. It was good. I enjoyed it. I laughed a lot. I also got an exercise in separating my gender from my sex. So often, we think of our gender as our sex. But I'm watching this show and identifying with the women because I have the same mechanical, physical features. But emotionally and mentally I couldn't identify with them. I could empathize and even remember memories of being/thinking/feeling similar situations when I am Vicki though. I went to the performance with the bf of a friend of mine. Later we got into a discussion and he was amazed that my guy-gender thoughts & feelings completely mirrored his own of the performance. To be honest, I was a bit amazed too, cuz I don't usually get a chance to "calibrate" my guy-thoughts with other guys to see if they are "normal". Honestly, I think I would have gotten more out of the performance if I had been Vicki. But all in all, I enjoyed it and look forward to seeing it again someday.

Its been a stressful day, but mostly good stress. I've had a lot of emotions come up and I've been able to deal with them constructively. I've had a lot of new situations that I have had to negotiate and I didn't break down, rather grew stronger. I leave with one of my favorite quotes....

"I beg you.... to have patience with everything unresolved in you heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

And that is what I'm doing now. I've living my way into my body, mind, and spirit. I don't know what kind of man Alex will become, nor what kind of woman Vicki. I don't know what gender Bex is. I don't know if I will recover from my bi-polar nor will I know what kind of damage the Celiac and Bi-polar have done to me. I've search for these answers and only gained misery. I've spent 22 years asking WHY? and HOW? and WHEN? and so many more. But when I stop asking them, I find sensations and experiences and this intricate dance withing myself. Sometimes its a balancing act. Other times its a dialog or an interplay. Its this mindfulness, and sometimes over-analysis, that has helped me find a nugget of peace in a swirl of insurmountable challenges. A small island of peace that has never existed before. I'm a new person, and every day is proving that now!

Blogging is therapeutic

I've been inspired. I've been using the Google Reader for a few months now. The Reader is an RSS feed organizer and subsequently I've tagged over 200 different blogs that I keep track of in kind of a personalized magazine. I've even got a funnies section. :-) hehe. I track all of my gluten free recipes (because I'm writing a cookbook) and craigslist ads from specific sections (cuz I'm looking for a job).

What is inspiring me particularly, however, is two part. First, there is Anna Adrift (http://www.bipolarblog-livingwild.com). It is a blog by a young woman who is in grad school for neuroscience and has Bipolar Disorder. I suspect she has Bipolar I, although, i'm not sure. Anna states that her blog is 1) therapeutic and 2) helps others.

Now, I certainly understand the therapeutic thing on a personal level, because it was a vital tool I used in Europe to manage my bi-polar. (I have Bipolar II) I also can see where the helping others would come in, because there a dozen or so blogs that have had a significant impact on me in the past few months. I have unfortunately been unable to convince myself to start journaling. I would like to convince myself to take up blogging again, however. And this time, I'm letting it all hang out. I've been learning lots of fun things lately about emotional blackmail, manipulation, boundaries, and so much more. I have also searched the web for other bloggers like me, that have this unique set of issues. Alas, the are not easy to find. The last time my blog was widely read, I once posted a negative comment. I was chastised for weeks. Fortunately, like I said in my previous blog, those who care about what I say and don't like it, I'm not a whole lot attached to you right now. And just for clarity, I would like to say: I will say and do and I damn PLEASE! ... that includes being transgender/fluid gender, having fluid sexuality and enjoying it!, accepting my so-called faults as none other than my own personality quirks, and treating myself and others with as much respect as I can (I'm not perfect here.... but I try). I'm trying to learn how to forgive and be compassionate towards myself, to stop abusing myself (http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/08/25/masturbation-as-a-form-of-self-injury-after-sexual-child-abuse/) and manage my disabilities.

Fortunately, UCSD Outpatient Psychiatry is an amazing resource (for those without insurance, ironically!) I have a mentor, and therapist, and two psychiatrists. My mentor, Dale, has been great. Last week he helped me complete the paperwork to officially apply for Disability. I hope it goes through and we don't have to appeal. Everyone these days is getting denied from government programs... disability, unemployment, etc. The system is totally overwhelmed it seems. Fortunately, however, i didn't get denied for student financial aid. I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! I start school at the end of March. I digress, however.

The second half of why I am inspired to start blogging again is Adam. Last fall, as some of you may know, I started working for a residential solar company here in San Diego. It was a tiny little start-up which had sold only 13 solar systems and I became one of the founders. I eventually became the director of marketing, controlling 1/3 of the company and bringing in almost $1 million in solar sales. Adam and I had also recently moved in together. Unfortunately, I had a severe manic episode followed by a depression which resulted in Adam leaving me and eventually moving out and me also losing my job at California Solar Innovations at about the same time. This being the 7th job and 2nd boyfriend I have lost due to "emotional" problems in one form or another, I knew I had to do something. The first step towards recovering from mental illness is ACCEPTING that you have a mental illness. Loosing the two greatest things I had in my life at the same time definitely gave me an adequate wake up call to accept the truth.

So, since then I have been working very hard. The fruits of my labors is finally coming to terms with ALL of my disabilities and learning how to heal from my past and set boundaries, healthy boundaries, for myself.

I feel bad that these simple things could have prevented 99% of all the problems Adam and I had. We have been trying to maintain a friendship which is becoming increasingly more difficult. Everything is fine if I never say or do or ask for anything (which is the status quo). But, this lack of (what I now know as) boundary setting, is making me very bitter. My psychiatrist and mentor has been emphasizing that oftentimes, those with bipolar need written instructions. My therapist has been giving me tools to communicate both verbally and written. So, I made an effort today to write down my feelings and logically and maturely say what I need.

It didn't go so well. Adam took it as immature and insulting. We had a big fight. When he left, I started texting him (which I usually do). I can't think straight when I'm really emotional. I forget words and start shaking and crying. I oftentimes can't even remember what I wan't to say if I get interrupted. But I can always work through it if I write it out. We eventually managed to work it out, through text (which ironically makes him furious... i guess not a got mix for me being so text oriented). It feels though, that something either irrevocable has occurred, or something that was always there but just wasn't communicated so clearly has been said. A firm boundary perhaps has been built. This feels in part like a victory because this is a boundary I have struggled to build my whole life. It is also a lack of this boundary that has caused me much misery when it comes to my relationship with Adam. I feels like I lost something though. I feel more isolated, limited. By creating a boundary I am no longer in symbiosis with those around me. Their needs and wants are no longer mine, which means that I can't be distracted and stay busy with their "stuff" all the time either. Its a bit lonely. Don't get me started on my theory of why i've got terrible boundaries. Maybe some other time.

It doesn't help either that my new roommate is super depressed and doesn't talk. He is passive-aggressive and I'm starting to get super passive-aggressive too. I'm trying to exercise my new skills, but I feel like I'm making very small baby steps.

Again, I digress.... the point I'm trying to make, ultimately is that because of this fight with Adam I've come to realize that I need to focus on writing in order to compensate for my out of control emotions or my frozen state emotions. This seems a logical step for me. Seeing bloggers such as Anna do what they do and say what they want to say the final piece of the puzzle that has helped me put this 2 and 2 together. Blogging is 1) therapeutic. As an awesome bonus, maybe someone else will connect with my struggles too.

Coming Out

So it's been a while. I've grown up a lot. And I need to come out. I've learned a lot here in San Diego and have suffered a lot too. I've decided to change the direction of this blog to reflect the issues that I care about the most. Many of those issues I have been afraid to write about because I have been afraid that those who love me would not accept me for who I am.

Those of you who know me well know that i can be overly emotional, depressive, and have out-of-control outbursts. You also know that I have a wide variety of interests and personalities and talents.

Lets make it simple. I have a couple of things here, so please hold on. I won't dig into them a lot, rather i will talk more about them as I blog more. I know this may not be the best way to come out about this information, but I feel that I don't have much the loose because those who love me wont care (and most already know) and those who care don't really matter to me anymore.

First, I was diagnosed with bi-polar almost a year ago. I'm on medications now, but it is going to be a long journey to find the right one. Its been difficult to deal with it and maintain relationships and keep jobs. In retrospect, it has caused much of the conflict between my mother and I, and much of my friendship & relationship issues, not to mention my constant inability to keep focused on one job, school subject, or project.

Second, I am gender fluid (or tri-gender). What this means is that I don't feel that I was born in the right body. I have a different gender than my body. This obviously causes a lot of identity issues. I am not transgender though, because I have multiple genders, a female, a male, and an androgenous one. I have felt this way since I was 2 and I have called myself Vicky (Victoria), Bex (Rebecca), and Alex (Alexander) for almost as long. Some of my friends have been calling me these names as well for most of my life. This obviously has a huge impact on my moods and interests, activities and friend circle. This extends, however, even to voice changes, vision, and body changes (ie: in the way I walk and view myself).

Third, I'm bi-sexual. Most of you already know this. But my bi-sexuality is caused by my gender identity as Vicky and Alex. I strongly suspect however, that Bex is asexual.

I hope that those of you that read this will accept this. I also know that I will find many new friends and much support as I continue on my journey.

Namaste.

New Year, NEw Life

I'm BACKKKKK! I'm back in San Diego and back to being healthy... kinda. Working in the LA street canvassing office was an amazing experience. I met some awesome people and worked at some really amazing locations. Now I'm back in San Diego street canvassing. I returned to San Diego 5 weeks ago. Its a lot different than door canvassing. Its very hard for me and I don't raise a lot of money, which makes door canvassing very nostalgic for me, but I enjoy the hours better and it is easier to eat and stay on top of my health.

We (the Public Interest Research Group... specifically I am employed by the Fund for the Public Interest) run political campaigns all year round for major non-profits on environmental, human rights, and public interest issues. I am now running a campaign/canvassing office here in San Diego and I do grassroots community organizing to build public support for these issues. Currently we are running a campaign for Environment America and are hoping to get part of the new federal economic stimulus package to include investments in the renewable energy industry as well as to extend clean energy tax credits. EAmerica was in talks with Obama just a few weeks ago and are currently pressuring members of congress to turn down gifts and political pressure, etc from the oil and coal lobby.

A basic recap of our work over the past few months is that we just won 2 major victories here in California and lost one. First is a major 4+ year battle here in California to cap global warming pollution and reduce it 80% by 2050 and tax major polluters for every ton of pollution they emit in the air. It will be an overhaul to the entire energy grid here as well as a serious look at efficiency, conservation, and renewable energy. Also, we managed to get a resolution to build a high speed train between LA and San Fransisco. In the human rights sector, however, we unfortunately lost our battle to uphold same sex marriage but we are working right now to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the military as well as having a chance at passing some anti-discrimination, employment discrimination, and hate-crimes legislation through congress for the first time in several decades. Its a difficult but rewarding job. I hire, manage, and recruit staff to get out and do grassroots community organizing, as well as getting out in the field myself several times a week.

I am also settling into my apartment nicely. It took a while but I'm getting there. Most of the last 5 weeks I have been trying to de-stress and undo the damage I did to my body during the elections. I got the opportunity to go to Aspen, CO for a few days on a work vacation. I mostly got to ski and meet lots of people from the organization I work for that work all over the country. Adam and I also celebrated being together for 9 months while in Aspen. I stayed here for Christmas and then left for an extended weekend to Palm Springs with Adam. We did nothing! It was GREAT!

I've been thinking a lot about the past year and the upcoming year lately. I've changed so much that I don't even recognize myself. I'm learning how to be a balanced and happy individual, something I never dreamed of one year ago today. There is also so much more that I know I could do, and for the first time ever I have a new year's resolution. I'm not going to try to do anything I haven't done before, but simply do what I know that I can to be the best person I can be.

Its forgiving the past and the pain and listening to yourself that has and will be my motto. I look forward to working at the office here and meeting Adam's family and Adam meeting mine. I also look forward to starting school again. I have something positive in my life and I am learning how to cultivate that. Nothing and no one can take that from me again.

Election Time

Its Election TIME!!!! WHOOOO.... only a few more days... I cannot wait. I got a transfer to Los Angeles last tuesday and now I am running the West Hollywood office until our more experienced directors come back from election work. Then, I move back to San Diego and start as an assistant director in the San Diego offices. I'm so glad to be back in southern california. I'm totally a socal girl!

Today I found a studio apartment in San Diego and put in an application. Tomorrow i put in my security deposit, and then I move in on the 15th! I'm so excited! My first apartment! Life is moving along... quickly. Once I get settled in a few weeks, I'll get a chance to start blogging about more interesting stuff. ;-)