No longer a concrete angel cuz I'm flying away (Bex- black/white)

I've been having a really tough time lately. I have more support with doctors and meds and therapy than most. I am extremely thankful that I get treatment at UCSD and at a clinic that is focused on serving the LGBT community, so honestly I am getting better care than 99% of Americans in my situation.

That doesn't mean I still am not struggling. I'm dealing with WAY more than any person my age should be. The only person that can pull me thru this is me. I've been really offended that the response I have gotten from my last blog has been largely negative. In that case, don't read it. If you have questions, concerns, comments, let me know! Even if it is to say, "I don't understand". Unless you people personally let me know you are reading this, I am going to keep writing whatever comes to mind as if no one is reading it. And that kind of response makes my ability to get through all this all the more difficult.

I'm sorry to see people moving on and out of my life. Some get jealous when I'm happy. Others are angry when they don't understand me. Some are interested in using me for information to hurt others. I write this blog for me, and me alone. I also write this blog to stand up as a voice of diversity.

I had a big (extended) weekend. Its the one year anniversary of a very painful series of events. In an effort to do something positive, I decided to explore some of the coastal parks near me. Staring at rock formation after rock formation that are breath taking and watching waves play over the coastline made me happy. The waves played over the rocks and stones, sand and vegetation, and tumbled over themselves. It looked as if they were living only to have fun. I realized that all that I've been through: with my parents divorce, getting sick, losing my scholarship and research at school, rebuilding my life in a new place, and then losing everything I built for myself all over again, made me forget how to have fun and enjoy life. I'm thankful that I'm experiencing this now and not when I'm older when I have so much more to loose. I'm still young. I can start again. The waves made me want to live a life that is worth living. To have fun. That life is meant to be lived only so that you can play.

So with my new insight I had my first day of school Friday evening. Then afterwards I went to "girls night" with a few friends (we have "girls nite" almost every week) and we watched Yes Man. Saturday morning I went back to Sunset Cliffs and while I had intended on finding the park and set up a blanket to read instead of exploring the coastline, I ended up in a three hour adventure that included fields of flowers (which is impressive when you live in a desert), hiking over rock formations, repelling down a cliff face to reach a beach, mini-caves, tide pools, and the feeling that I was on the TV show Lost at times with nothing but the water bottle and granola bar in my bag.

I returned home sun burnt in the shape of my sun dress and got ready to go to a country concert at Viejas Casino at one of the Indian reservations a bit inland. It brought back a lot of memories, both good and bad. Country music was one of the few things that kept me alive through High School, other than I had psychosis so bad that I was hearing voices, seeing things that weren't there, and convinced I was going to die when I was 17 in a car crash anyway. Why bother killing yourself if you know when you are gunna die and all you gotta do is wait it out, right? I'm glad I got through that despite my acting out and the lack of therapy I so desperately begged for... but I suppose its water under the bridge. Its something that I can look back and only take away the lessons I learned. One thing is for sure, I miss country music. And it makes me happy because its about emotions, hope, faith, and truth. I think I needed to let country go for a while to discover some things for myself. I also needed to find a place in my life where I wasn't constantly feeling ready to fight or flee; in survival mode. But I'm ready to play and have fun again. No one is going to bring me down unless I let them. People can say mean thing and do bad things, but if I acknowledge why it hurt and stand up for myself, I won't be the "victim junkie that can't escape" anymore.

I needed to survive and i did with the tools I had. I am learning how to survive with new tools that help me transcend.

"Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

I'm flying away. I'm no longer a concrete angel. I'm rising above! I'm living my dreams. And i'm in a place where I feel like I am loved.

Hellooooo? (Bex-Yellow)

Is anyone out there? I know there are other ppl like me. My blog used to be high on the google search but since I stopped blogging for a few years it has slipped. If you have a blog, let me know! I know my friends and family are reading this too!

Feedback and comments would be wonderful. I really need support. thanx

On a different note: I want to get my hair cut like Jude Law. When I deal with a few Alex issues, I'm going to get a wig so that I can be Vicki more comfortably. This a huge step for me. I'm terrified. I've been combing the internet and have found a dozen other people like me (gender-wise). I'm hoping to create a community.

Few people are blogging about bipolar either, although I haven't searched very hard. I'd like to say, what sux most about bipolar is that you are completely fine one minute, then you SNAP. You are free-falling into this emotional quagmire thats like quicksand. The more you struggle, the faster and deeper you go. The past few days as I have been at emotional capacity have been certainly a learning experience.

One the Celiac Front, well, unemployment is making food options scarce and gluten free, soy free, dairy free food choices that are balanced very difficult. The added impact of medications makes the whole thing more complicated as I struggle with my blood sugar, sodium levels, and staying hydrated. Honestly, leave it to me to be sodium deficient and have to find MORE processed foods to eat.

Molecular Biology (Alex- green)

I find myself at times obsessed with pharmacology. At other times obsessed with genetics. I intend on going into one of those fields, or maybe some hybrid field of the two. When something goes wrong with my body, my first reaction is, "did I expose myself to dairy, gluten, or soy?". If not, then "did I do something or eat something abnormal that might cause these symptoms?" If its still in the negative, I ask myself "Am I lacking something in my diet that might cause these symptoms?". If its still negative, I put the issue off, wait to feel better and look for more clues, especially if it happens again.

I've been really challenged by this Lithium thing. I'm having side effects that are not "normal". Lithium does not contain gluten dairy or soy. Changes in my diet or routine do not significantly affect symptoms. But when my symptoms are bad, water has no taste and my blood sugar levels are SUPER wacky.

I had noticed almost 3 years ago that when I'm "deficient" in salt I get sleepy and depressed. This is what precipitated dropping out of college. Later I learned that salt "deficiency" also makes my blood sugar problems get worse. So, I got in the habit of making myself a glass of salt water and drinking it on a regular basis. Albeit, salt seemed to have relatively little impact on my blood sugar compared to other things, so I never really paid attention to it unless I got really stressed out, which apparently led to getting salt "deficient".

Enter in Lithium. I got diagnosed with Bipolar. I started getting the same symptoms that I get when I am stressed. So I eat/drink some extra salt, and I'm fine. But when I started taking higher dosages, the salt didn't cut it. Thats when i realized Lithium is in the same chemical family as sodium. It may be indirectly or directly affecting the sodium channels in my cells that regulate water balance between the inside and outside of the cell membrane. The lithium was causing dehydration which led to headaches and bloating because water was being forced out of the cell. This in turn makes sodium levels lower inside the cell, creating a spiraling catch-22. Now, this is all an assumption, based on my biology classes, so don't quote me on this. but eating and drinking massive amounts of salt helped relieve the headaches and bloating. Problem is that purposely intaking that much salt was difficult to maintain, and I know most people don't need that much salt. It can't be healthy.

About 2 months ago I was having really bad symptoms. Sodium wasn't helping. I noticed, however, I was craving foods that I normally don't like. I realized that all of them have something in common. They are super high in Potassium. A quick search made me realize that potassium is in the same chemical family as lithium and sodium. Potassium is also critical to sodium absorption. So, I did an experiment. I increased my potassium intake and reduced my sodium intake. My symptoms diminished rapidly. Sweet!

I went out and bought a good multi-vitamin and have been taking it everyday. I finally started the Lithium Extended Release 2 days ago and had my dosage upped. I'm taking the symptoms much much better than expected. But I'm still struggling. The vitamins are not cutting it. I'm not interested in consuming half my salt shaker as salt water nor eating seaweed plain, and neither am I interested in eating gratuitous amounts of potatoes and odd foods that don't find as easily a comfortable home in my kitchen since it doesn't serve a veggie loving vegetarian anymore. My liquid trace-ionic minerals just ran out as well. What do I do?

First of all, what the hell is in the liquid trace-ionic minerals that makes me feel better when just plain sodium and potassium doesn't. Certainly, the salt I use and the trace-minerals have both potassium and sodium in them. Potassium is not the most plentiful mineral however. Its magnesium. Whats magnesium?

Magnesium is critical in the absorption of potassium. What foods have magnesium in them? Nearly every food that I don't like (which isn't many) or can't have (gluten, dairy, or soy) has magnesium. The few things that I do like that have magnesium in them I will at times binge on them for days. All of them have relatively low magnesium levels in them compared to the "better" foods, but still have quite a bit. Subsequently, I also found out that magnesium is the most critical mineral someone with Celiac Disease needs to supplement into their diet.

So, now I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I invest in more liquid minerals, do I take my recommended dosage of vitamins (I usually take a half dose) which are super expensive but have 150% the recommended dosage (and my body is still not absorbing 100% again), or do I start eating food that I don't like.

If I have more magnesium in my diet my body I will absorb & use potassium better. If I absorb potassium better I will absorb and use sodium better. If I absorb and use sodium more efficiently I can stave off side effects of my bi-polar medication (lithium) AND stabilize my blood sugar levels. If my blood-sugar levels are stabilized I sleep better, my body also doesn't react as if I'm in starvation mode, and I eat less food ($). If I sleep better and I am not always in fight or flight mode then my bi-polar episodes and mood swings are diminished.

If my body wasn't already craving magnesium in the foods i eat, I would never have discovered this. AMAZING how just one little thing can cause so many problems. Its a chain reaction of events!

50-50 (Bex- Yellow)

Over the past 3 months I have been undergoing an intense therapy program. I'm starting to hit the deep stuff, and I have a feeling its only the beginning. Today i went to an orientation for a therapy program called DBT. (I don't know what it means) It was originally designed for patients with borderline personality disorder. Now its open it anyone. It teaches you life skills and behavioral changes. I didn't come away from the orientation very happy though.

I learned a lot about how my behavior triggered Adam. The whole thing really hit me in the face that our problems were 50-50.... even when he claimed I was the one who had the problem (obvious ones, yes). It also forced me to own up to my own problems.

The program will be good for me. I have a feeling it won't be easy though.

Best News in Months! (Vicki- Orange)

FUCKING MEDICATIONS!

I have bi-polar. I need meds. All bi-polar meds but two have dairy in them. I can't tolerate dairy because the Celiac Disease destroyed my ability to do so. So, I can either take Lithium or Depakote. Depakote is apparently a dangerous drug with scary side affects. I've been taking Lithium for almost a year now, but I've been taking higher dosages lately and it is affecting me so bad I am not functioning well at all. Not sleeping well, my blood sugar is bottoming out at night (hypoglycemia), I'm bloated, always thirsty and dehydrated, headaches.....I have a fast metabolism so I need a higher dosage, but the side affects are limiting me to well below therapeutic levels.

I had a mini-manic episode 3.5 weeks ago. We decided 2 weeks ago to switch me to Depakote. But the health clinic only has Depakote Extended Release, so I have to wait 4 weeks for it to be special ordered because Depakote ER has dairy in it. Now, there are "safe" bi-polar meds with next to no side effects. But they all have dairy in them. The clinic I go to is part of the existing "public health care" program that Obama is trying to expand, which is the so called "Government Run Health Care". The clinics had most of their funding cut last year, so they are limited in resources. I don't have health insurance--- can't afford it---- but I get my meds and doctors visits, etc free from the public health care system (this is not to be confused with Medicare). To tell you the truth, I get better mental care without insurance than with it.

But anyway, just like last time, my manic episode was followed by a depressive episode. I have another 2 weeks to wait before I can switch off of Lithium to Depakote. I called my doctor today because my symptoms are getting worse. Apparently, there is a slow-release Lithium. Since my side effects are mostly caused by my fast metabolism, its worth a try. But then again, is it gluten free, dairy free, and soy free?

Thankfully it is.... and the order is being filled at the pharmacy now. Best news in months!

I love to cook! (Vicki- Red)

Another thing that is therapeutic for me, other than writing/blogging.... is cooking, and all food related activities including talking about food. (on a side note... I'm also obsessed with sound therapy and aromatherapy and am starting school in 2 weeks for massage therapy! I wouldn't mind learning more about art therapy either)

I've been neglecting my cookbook lately. I follow 150 gluten free blogs, have piles of cookbooks, and many friends from distant places. Being unemployed has forced me to learn how to live on a food budget that is reduced 75%. Honestly though, its been good for me. And my recipes have gotten tastier and reliable. The book is starting to take shape and show signs of personality. My goal is to let my cookbook guide itself into cohesion. So far, its been a profitable path.

This evening I perused 650 blog entries that I have neglected since valentines day. Found some interesting new facts, a new bar in Hillcrest serving gf beer, some novelty recipes (like goldfish crackers and dairy-free and soy-free sour cream), some new products to keep an eye out for in the grocery store, and a few recipes I want to try out.

I am thankful everyday that I love to cook (now baking is a whole different story and not exactly my idea of fun). I cannot imagine how I would live if I didn't, considering all of my food sensitivities and the Celiac disease. I have to be a devil in avoiding gluten, dairy, and soy. I'm so sensitive that even soy or gluten in the air will make me sick. Me being sick from gluten not only triggers a bi-polar episode (often more than 2) but renders me physically and mentally "injured" for weeks. But, I am very very careful AND I love to cook.... so in many cases, my disability is my blessing. Now if only I could say that for the bi-polar.....

one last note about something that just dawned on me. I love to talk. Often I love to talk about the same things, because they are what fascinate me. Or I like to talk about what I'm theorizing about. Writing/blogging many of these thoughts could be a significant part of me setting up healthy boundaries. I have spent so much of the last few months learning about healthy boundaries that I'm surprised that I didn't think about this before.

give me a moment here..... this is a revolutionary thought for my brain stuck in a box. I need to make sure I remember this when life gets much more complicated and I'm not at home all day.

An island of peace

I've had a traumatic day. A bittersweet day.

Now, I feel very proud of myself. I've been working hard the past 3 months to learn ways to set boundaries, manage my emotions, communicate better, and be honest with myself and others. I'm on a higher lithium dosage now too, so that helps. My roommate is moving out and decided to not give 30-days notice. Rent is due Monday and he won't pitch in his half. We had a "confrontation" this morning. It ended with him storming out the door just before I completely lost it.

I'm disturbed that I almost lost it. I've been working so hard and I should be better than that. I'm working to have compassion with myself though. No one is perfect and every situation isn't perfect. I wonder to what degree I am disturbed by being angry and having a short temper versus having bi-polar. There is a lot of guilt.

For the first time, in forever, I feel as if I dealt with the situation maturely and rationally. And, I set boundaries that I won't give in with. I have this odd sense of peace that I am no longer giving the other party the power to control me. I have totally accepted whatever decision he makes already. Experiencing this is completely new to me. Normally I'm thrashing, trying to speculate what the next move will be, being totally in anguish and angry that "someone would do this to me". Its a good stress to be dealing with this boundary setting. I'm still terribly angry about it all, but I DON'T FEEL VICTIMIZED!

That was the first half of my day. I then went off to Starbucks, got some tea and read my book, "Buddha's Brain". I've been getting "self-help" books from the library. I view reading them as my daily psych homework or therapy homework. My next chapter was, ironically, on how to "cool the fire" when emotionally charged. It took a while to get through it because I had a lot of applicable subject matter in which to apply the chapter's material to. I'm glad that I did.

My next task on the daily agenda was to try out a weekly discussion group at the Center for transgender. It was a terrifying experience to build up the courage to do even go. When I am really scared or anxious or nervous, I often jump into Bex.

Bex is my strong, independent fighter. Bex is often more courageous than Alex and Vicki are willing to be. Alex and Vicki can be, they just choose not to be. Being tri-gender is not like having multiple personalities, even though it may seem that way. I am one person with one set of beliefs, values, ideas, preferences, characteristics, etc. My gender influences how I react to those beliefs, values, ideas, preferences, etc. So in this case, Bex is more courageous only because hir gender naturally inclines to take advantage of that character trait on a stronger level than Vicki or Alex. Vicki would rather let someone else be courageous but certainly can be just as courageous as Bex if forced into the situation.To be thorough, Alex is probably more courageous than Vicki but less than Bex. Alex tends to be somewhat chivalrous. Bex is kinda like the wood nymph/elf in "In the name of the King" movie played by Kristanna Loken.

Anyway, I had a very positive experience at the discussion group. It was my first time being out to strangers and first time talking about things that have never gotten any further than being thought about. Again, good stress. Half way through, I switched into Alex, which was unusual. Alex rarely comes out in front of other people, especially a group of people. In fact, last week was the first time Alex was "out" in front of a group of people. I intend on going to the group on a regular basis now.

The unfortunate thing about being Alex, today, following this group session, was that I was going to go see the Vagina Monologues. It was good. I enjoyed it. I laughed a lot. I also got an exercise in separating my gender from my sex. So often, we think of our gender as our sex. But I'm watching this show and identifying with the women because I have the same mechanical, physical features. But emotionally and mentally I couldn't identify with them. I could empathize and even remember memories of being/thinking/feeling similar situations when I am Vicki though. I went to the performance with the bf of a friend of mine. Later we got into a discussion and he was amazed that my guy-gender thoughts & feelings completely mirrored his own of the performance. To be honest, I was a bit amazed too, cuz I don't usually get a chance to "calibrate" my guy-thoughts with other guys to see if they are "normal". Honestly, I think I would have gotten more out of the performance if I had been Vicki. But all in all, I enjoyed it and look forward to seeing it again someday.

Its been a stressful day, but mostly good stress. I've had a lot of emotions come up and I've been able to deal with them constructively. I've had a lot of new situations that I have had to negotiate and I didn't break down, rather grew stronger. I leave with one of my favorite quotes....

"I beg you.... to have patience with everything unresolved in you heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

And that is what I'm doing now. I've living my way into my body, mind, and spirit. I don't know what kind of man Alex will become, nor what kind of woman Vicki. I don't know what gender Bex is. I don't know if I will recover from my bi-polar nor will I know what kind of damage the Celiac and Bi-polar have done to me. I've search for these answers and only gained misery. I've spent 22 years asking WHY? and HOW? and WHEN? and so many more. But when I stop asking them, I find sensations and experiences and this intricate dance withing myself. Sometimes its a balancing act. Other times its a dialog or an interplay. Its this mindfulness, and sometimes over-analysis, that has helped me find a nugget of peace in a swirl of insurmountable challenges. A small island of peace that has never existed before. I'm a new person, and every day is proving that now!

Blogging is therapeutic

I've been inspired. I've been using the Google Reader for a few months now. The Reader is an RSS feed organizer and subsequently I've tagged over 200 different blogs that I keep track of in kind of a personalized magazine. I've even got a funnies section. :-) hehe. I track all of my gluten free recipes (because I'm writing a cookbook) and craigslist ads from specific sections (cuz I'm looking for a job).

What is inspiring me particularly, however, is two part. First, there is Anna Adrift (http://www.bipolarblog-livingwild.com). It is a blog by a young woman who is in grad school for neuroscience and has Bipolar Disorder. I suspect she has Bipolar I, although, i'm not sure. Anna states that her blog is 1) therapeutic and 2) helps others.

Now, I certainly understand the therapeutic thing on a personal level, because it was a vital tool I used in Europe to manage my bi-polar. (I have Bipolar II) I also can see where the helping others would come in, because there a dozen or so blogs that have had a significant impact on me in the past few months. I have unfortunately been unable to convince myself to start journaling. I would like to convince myself to take up blogging again, however. And this time, I'm letting it all hang out. I've been learning lots of fun things lately about emotional blackmail, manipulation, boundaries, and so much more. I have also searched the web for other bloggers like me, that have this unique set of issues. Alas, the are not easy to find. The last time my blog was widely read, I once posted a negative comment. I was chastised for weeks. Fortunately, like I said in my previous blog, those who care about what I say and don't like it, I'm not a whole lot attached to you right now. And just for clarity, I would like to say: I will say and do and I damn PLEASE! ... that includes being transgender/fluid gender, having fluid sexuality and enjoying it!, accepting my so-called faults as none other than my own personality quirks, and treating myself and others with as much respect as I can (I'm not perfect here.... but I try). I'm trying to learn how to forgive and be compassionate towards myself, to stop abusing myself (http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/08/25/masturbation-as-a-form-of-self-injury-after-sexual-child-abuse/) and manage my disabilities.

Fortunately, UCSD Outpatient Psychiatry is an amazing resource (for those without insurance, ironically!) I have a mentor, and therapist, and two psychiatrists. My mentor, Dale, has been great. Last week he helped me complete the paperwork to officially apply for Disability. I hope it goes through and we don't have to appeal. Everyone these days is getting denied from government programs... disability, unemployment, etc. The system is totally overwhelmed it seems. Fortunately, however, i didn't get denied for student financial aid. I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!! I start school at the end of March. I digress, however.

The second half of why I am inspired to start blogging again is Adam. Last fall, as some of you may know, I started working for a residential solar company here in San Diego. It was a tiny little start-up which had sold only 13 solar systems and I became one of the founders. I eventually became the director of marketing, controlling 1/3 of the company and bringing in almost $1 million in solar sales. Adam and I had also recently moved in together. Unfortunately, I had a severe manic episode followed by a depression which resulted in Adam leaving me and eventually moving out and me also losing my job at California Solar Innovations at about the same time. This being the 7th job and 2nd boyfriend I have lost due to "emotional" problems in one form or another, I knew I had to do something. The first step towards recovering from mental illness is ACCEPTING that you have a mental illness. Loosing the two greatest things I had in my life at the same time definitely gave me an adequate wake up call to accept the truth.

So, since then I have been working very hard. The fruits of my labors is finally coming to terms with ALL of my disabilities and learning how to heal from my past and set boundaries, healthy boundaries, for myself.

I feel bad that these simple things could have prevented 99% of all the problems Adam and I had. We have been trying to maintain a friendship which is becoming increasingly more difficult. Everything is fine if I never say or do or ask for anything (which is the status quo). But, this lack of (what I now know as) boundary setting, is making me very bitter. My psychiatrist and mentor has been emphasizing that oftentimes, those with bipolar need written instructions. My therapist has been giving me tools to communicate both verbally and written. So, I made an effort today to write down my feelings and logically and maturely say what I need.

It didn't go so well. Adam took it as immature and insulting. We had a big fight. When he left, I started texting him (which I usually do). I can't think straight when I'm really emotional. I forget words and start shaking and crying. I oftentimes can't even remember what I wan't to say if I get interrupted. But I can always work through it if I write it out. We eventually managed to work it out, through text (which ironically makes him furious... i guess not a got mix for me being so text oriented). It feels though, that something either irrevocable has occurred, or something that was always there but just wasn't communicated so clearly has been said. A firm boundary perhaps has been built. This feels in part like a victory because this is a boundary I have struggled to build my whole life. It is also a lack of this boundary that has caused me much misery when it comes to my relationship with Adam. I feels like I lost something though. I feel more isolated, limited. By creating a boundary I am no longer in symbiosis with those around me. Their needs and wants are no longer mine, which means that I can't be distracted and stay busy with their "stuff" all the time either. Its a bit lonely. Don't get me started on my theory of why i've got terrible boundaries. Maybe some other time.

It doesn't help either that my new roommate is super depressed and doesn't talk. He is passive-aggressive and I'm starting to get super passive-aggressive too. I'm trying to exercise my new skills, but I feel like I'm making very small baby steps.

Again, I digress.... the point I'm trying to make, ultimately is that because of this fight with Adam I've come to realize that I need to focus on writing in order to compensate for my out of control emotions or my frozen state emotions. This seems a logical step for me. Seeing bloggers such as Anna do what they do and say what they want to say the final piece of the puzzle that has helped me put this 2 and 2 together. Blogging is 1) therapeutic. As an awesome bonus, maybe someone else will connect with my struggles too.

Coming Out

So it's been a while. I've grown up a lot. And I need to come out. I've learned a lot here in San Diego and have suffered a lot too. I've decided to change the direction of this blog to reflect the issues that I care about the most. Many of those issues I have been afraid to write about because I have been afraid that those who love me would not accept me for who I am.

Those of you who know me well know that i can be overly emotional, depressive, and have out-of-control outbursts. You also know that I have a wide variety of interests and personalities and talents.

Lets make it simple. I have a couple of things here, so please hold on. I won't dig into them a lot, rather i will talk more about them as I blog more. I know this may not be the best way to come out about this information, but I feel that I don't have much the loose because those who love me wont care (and most already know) and those who care don't really matter to me anymore.

First, I was diagnosed with bi-polar almost a year ago. I'm on medications now, but it is going to be a long journey to find the right one. Its been difficult to deal with it and maintain relationships and keep jobs. In retrospect, it has caused much of the conflict between my mother and I, and much of my friendship & relationship issues, not to mention my constant inability to keep focused on one job, school subject, or project.

Second, I am gender fluid (or tri-gender). What this means is that I don't feel that I was born in the right body. I have a different gender than my body. This obviously causes a lot of identity issues. I am not transgender though, because I have multiple genders, a female, a male, and an androgenous one. I have felt this way since I was 2 and I have called myself Vicky (Victoria), Bex (Rebecca), and Alex (Alexander) for almost as long. Some of my friends have been calling me these names as well for most of my life. This obviously has a huge impact on my moods and interests, activities and friend circle. This extends, however, even to voice changes, vision, and body changes (ie: in the way I walk and view myself).

Third, I'm bi-sexual. Most of you already know this. But my bi-sexuality is caused by my gender identity as Vicky and Alex. I strongly suspect however, that Bex is asexual.

I hope that those of you that read this will accept this. I also know that I will find many new friends and much support as I continue on my journey.

Namaste.

New Year, NEw Life

I'm BACKKKKK! I'm back in San Diego and back to being healthy... kinda. Working in the LA street canvassing office was an amazing experience. I met some awesome people and worked at some really amazing locations. Now I'm back in San Diego street canvassing. I returned to San Diego 5 weeks ago. Its a lot different than door canvassing. Its very hard for me and I don't raise a lot of money, which makes door canvassing very nostalgic for me, but I enjoy the hours better and it is easier to eat and stay on top of my health.

We (the Public Interest Research Group... specifically I am employed by the Fund for the Public Interest) run political campaigns all year round for major non-profits on environmental, human rights, and public interest issues. I am now running a campaign/canvassing office here in San Diego and I do grassroots community organizing to build public support for these issues. Currently we are running a campaign for Environment America and are hoping to get part of the new federal economic stimulus package to include investments in the renewable energy industry as well as to extend clean energy tax credits. EAmerica was in talks with Obama just a few weeks ago and are currently pressuring members of congress to turn down gifts and political pressure, etc from the oil and coal lobby.

A basic recap of our work over the past few months is that we just won 2 major victories here in California and lost one. First is a major 4+ year battle here in California to cap global warming pollution and reduce it 80% by 2050 and tax major polluters for every ton of pollution they emit in the air. It will be an overhaul to the entire energy grid here as well as a serious look at efficiency, conservation, and renewable energy. Also, we managed to get a resolution to build a high speed train between LA and San Fransisco. In the human rights sector, however, we unfortunately lost our battle to uphold same sex marriage but we are working right now to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the military as well as having a chance at passing some anti-discrimination, employment discrimination, and hate-crimes legislation through congress for the first time in several decades. Its a difficult but rewarding job. I hire, manage, and recruit staff to get out and do grassroots community organizing, as well as getting out in the field myself several times a week.

I am also settling into my apartment nicely. It took a while but I'm getting there. Most of the last 5 weeks I have been trying to de-stress and undo the damage I did to my body during the elections. I got the opportunity to go to Aspen, CO for a few days on a work vacation. I mostly got to ski and meet lots of people from the organization I work for that work all over the country. Adam and I also celebrated being together for 9 months while in Aspen. I stayed here for Christmas and then left for an extended weekend to Palm Springs with Adam. We did nothing! It was GREAT!

I've been thinking a lot about the past year and the upcoming year lately. I've changed so much that I don't even recognize myself. I'm learning how to be a balanced and happy individual, something I never dreamed of one year ago today. There is also so much more that I know I could do, and for the first time ever I have a new year's resolution. I'm not going to try to do anything I haven't done before, but simply do what I know that I can to be the best person I can be.

Its forgiving the past and the pain and listening to yourself that has and will be my motto. I look forward to working at the office here and meeting Adam's family and Adam meeting mine. I also look forward to starting school again. I have something positive in my life and I am learning how to cultivate that. Nothing and no one can take that from me again.

Election Time

Its Election TIME!!!! WHOOOO.... only a few more days... I cannot wait. I got a transfer to Los Angeles last tuesday and now I am running the West Hollywood office until our more experienced directors come back from election work. Then, I move back to San Diego and start as an assistant director in the San Diego offices. I'm so glad to be back in southern california. I'm totally a socal girl!

Today I found a studio apartment in San Diego and put in an application. Tomorrow i put in my security deposit, and then I move in on the 15th! I'm so excited! My first apartment! Life is moving along... quickly. Once I get settled in a few weeks, I'll get a chance to start blogging about more interesting stuff. ;-)

San Francisco

Hola folks.... from Silicon Valley! I've been living and working in Silicon Valley and the greater San Francisco Bay Area for almost a month now. I have been so busy that that I hardly have a chance to think... thus nothing new to write about until now.

San Fransisco and the Bay Area is UNBELIEVABLY liberal. I've never been anywhere like this before. My shock and amazement of San Diego liberal is in comparison rather conservative. I have yet to figure out what exactly though all this liberal-ness is. I can't quite describe it. The area has a rather odd sisterhood with NYC and Ithica (NY), as well as Boulder (Colorado), Portland (Oregon), and Seattle. Despite its liberal tendencies, I have had a rather difficult time finding gluten free food. Although the problem lies mostly in that I have found 2 restaurants/stores in 30 days that speaks enough English for me to describe my food "allergies". If the servers/managers/staff speak english then they always seem to know what gluten is. If they don't speak English, I have a hard time even communicating that I need to avoid wheat. My attempts to explain that I cannot eat wheat, barley, and rye, as well as soy and dairy has even resulted in the staff looking at me and asking whether or not I just asked for a job. AAHHHH!

Currently I'm running an office here for Environment California (www.environmentcalifornia.org) and it has been a lot of hiring, training & managing staff (as well as firing several people) and all the administrative parts of running an campaign office. I work at least 12 hours a day, plus a 35 min. commute each way. Add 7-9 hours of sleep and that leaves me with about 2 hours to cook food (or find food in most cases), take a shower, talk to a few people on the phone, and read a bed time story. My "bedtime story" these days is Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas Friedman, the NY Times columnist on foreign policy and economics.

All that aside, life is going well. Albeit stressful. Vernon, a mutual friend of mine and Adam's that worked with us over the summer in San Diego is now running another office in the Bay Area. Last weekend we visited San Fransisco and saw sights in the Bay Area. Yesterday I had a regional meeting/training in Berkley with all the other NorCal offices (Northern California- there are 5 total). Vernon and I spent the night in San Fransisco and then took a hike in the Redwood forests this morning. I found the experience extremely refreshing and sad at the same time. I have missed the forests, fields, and water of upstate New York and the brief hike was wonderful. However, the effects of climate change (that I have chronicled in Europe and San Diego) are visibly evident in the Redwood forests here, which made me very sad. I wonder whether or not if in the next 50 years we lost our ecosystems even at the same rate that has been occurring in the past 50 years, how many of our forests and water bodies and natural environments will still be alive and thriving? Will my children get the chance discover an owl, a deer, or even a snake or a bear wild in the forest, or will they only see them in a zoo?

This book I have been reading by Thomas Friedman has made me think more and more as I get deeper into it. My work with Environment California dovetails closely with the concepts Thomas Friedman lays out in his book, although in a much simpler, 30 second version. I don't agree with everything has written about, but he has some very interesting theories and proposals. With the current economic crisis, I wonder how we will ever be able to deal with our energy crisis. Our dependency on oil and other fossil fuels has led to skyrocketing energy costs and global warming. However, we have the technology to harness the wind, sun, and other homegrown, clean energy sources. But there is no political willpower to do even what scientists call for as a minimum. Looking back at US history however, I am both afraid and thankful for this economic slippery slope. Perhaps I am over simplifying, but the 20's were an era of decadence, greed, independence and over-abundance. Then the stock market crashed. The Great Depression happened. But we pulled out of it by harnessing our innovation and reinventing our society. We don't have much time if were are to reduce our global warming pollution to avert even the worst parts of dramatic climatic changes everywhere, all over the globe. But this economic down-spin we are in may be a blessing in disguise. Nothing so far has spurred us enough to confront this challenge of systemic change in our energy production, consumption, and conservation. I certainly don't want this path, but I'm afraid it may be one of the only viable ones left.

Such challenging issues... and yet my greatest frustration is that so many Americans are oblivious to it all. Why do the rural Chinese and Africans, and news giants in Saudi Arabia, as well as the business class on India and even entire governments in Europe are acknowledging and even addressing these problems and we have yet to agree on whether or not they exist yet? This goes beyond simple apathy to plain ignorance, which fortunately is a solvable problem.

Moving

Its been crazy the past month. I've been working a lot harder at the office recently. I have been helping train directors to be sent to swing states and now I'm the only field manager. I have to plan where we work every day and lots of paperwork. We just closed our Human Rights Campaign project, advocating for equal employment legislation in congress that would end employment discrimination (it's still legal in 30 states to fire someone for being "Gay"). We were also chosen as a testing office from the national headquarters in Boston to try out a new campaign for legalizing Same-sex Marriage. Of course, with same-sex couples having been grated that right here in California, it has been an exciting project to work on. There is a ballot proposition this fall to add an amendment to the state constitution banning same-sex marriage, so of course, there has been lots of support and debate (and opposition). Working out in the field and talking about this issue has been eye opening.

We had a brief intersession with Environment California this last week, working on our previous Global Warming Campaign, and then on Tuesday we start a campaign on behalf of Environment America to help transition the USA into a clean energy future. Just 2 weeks ago, Governor Schwarzenegger hosted a public panel and town meeting on global warming here in San Diego. We have been mobilizing support for a cap-and-trade system that would require polluters to pay for every ton of pollution that they emit and use the money to reinvest in clean energy solutions such as wind and solar power. It was super exciting to attend the meeting. It reminded me of my days working for the Youth Bureau in NY and also reminded me how much I want to continue doing that work.

The Democratic Convention was exciting news and we are even more excited about McCain's running-mate choice. She is a disaster! She even sued the Bush Administration this spring for putting Polar Bears on the endangered species list! It shall be interesting to see how the next week or so turns out.

Adam left for Denver this morning for training. He is being sent to a swing state, but he doesn't know which one yet. I'm leaving on Tuesday morning for San Francisco. I just found out Thursday that I am being promoted to a directors position. I will be working in Palo Alto, CA in the bay area until after the elections, then returning to San Diego for the remainder of the year. I have made a commitment to work for the Fund for Public Interest until Aug. 09. I'll be working on our street team, which is also another step up in the organization, since only the top canvassers work on street. I'm really excited about it and nervous. I'm salaried staff now! To boot... this was Obama's first major job out of college before he went on to grad school. He worked for the NYC offices.

On a personal note... i have been feeling much better and I am slowly on the path to health, thanks to the help of Adam (he has been there supporting me emotionally and practically), and recently the use of acupuncture and acupressure. I'm actually functioning again. Every month I'm stronger. I know that even a month ago I never would have been able to accept this directors position.

I finished my world history course and have started a new one on the History of the English Language, taught by Seth Lerer of Stanford University. It's quite intersting. I'm also reading A History of God by Karen Armstrong.

Currently, however, since I am in the process of packing and eating all my food in the fridge before tuesday, I am looking forward to some blending action with my frozen fruit and some rum... all gluten free of course!

today sucked. one of the houses on my turf, there was a girl screaming. just screaming. it reminded me of when i used to scream. it didn't matter how long or how long... no one came to help me. the police were never called. no one ever believed me. it was as if a door was unlocked in me. i know that something def. happened yesterday at my naet treatment. i was shaking as dr. nahama went thru the NET. i'm scared for tomorrow. all I could think of was the country song by martina mcbride, concrete angel. i always connected to that song without fully understanding why. I always made excuses because there were never stories or songs exactly like what i went thru. but the emotions are the same. and that is all that matters when it comes to pain and healing. what my mother did to me was not right, it was wrong. it wasn't evil. but it killed a part of me. it def. killed a part of me. that screaming... i swore that i would never let that happen to someone else. I contacted the police.

When i got off the phone, i had a difficult time. i felt like i was second guessing myself. i didn't know if i had done the right thing. maybe i was wrong and everything was ok. but what if i was right? the screaming eventually stopped. i sat on the curb for 20 min. the police never showed up. I am confused about it all. if something was seriously wrong, the police were not there when they were needed. what is the point of notifying them at all? life is so fragile. this is a trigger point that i want to deal with. i have a feeling that tomorrow is not going to be easy. i'm dealing with a horrible time in my life. i felt so trapped, alone, watched, manipulated, mistrusted. i was so mistrusted. no matter what i did it wasn't good enough. i had so many problems. my friends left me. my school work was becoming overwhelming. as i tried to take a leadership role in the school, i found myself subjegated to my mothers' watchful eye. she manipulated my teachers! she went thru my school files! she even prevented me from seeking help from the nurse and counseling center. what would inspire her to do this? the screaming never ended. it felt like every night she got angry at me. it was always about my math grades. i was so angry and lost. upset. confused. when i became a woman, it was not celebrated. i was interrogated and made a fool of. i think i locked a part of myself away then. maybe even something died. i don't know if and even what that part of me is anymore and where it is. this is kinda scary.

tomorrow i am having a phone interview for a CD position in sacramento. this is huge. i guess i need sleep. its gunna be a long day tomorrow.

Help solve high energy costs

"Al Gore took a big risk when he called on us to get 100% of our electricity from cheap, clean sources within 10 years.

It's an achievable goal, but it's already under attack from the oil and coal companies. They're calling his plan unrealistic, impossible, and crazy.

We can turn back Big Oil's attack if hundreds of thousands of us personally endorse Gore's challenge to power our country with 100% cheap, clean energy within 10 years—and then we urge Obama, McCain, and Congress to get on board.

A compiled petition with your individual comment will be presented to Obama, McCain, and your Senators and Representative" -MoveOn.org

I just signed a petition to support Al Gore's ambitious challenge. Together, we'll urge Obama, McCain, and Congress to get on board.

Can you join me? Just click here:

http://pol.moveon.org/gorechallenge?r_by=-9715266-zXmM4dx&rc=paste

HRC

So, I guess it's been a while. I'm excited and nervous about the upcoming months. Tomorrow I start campaigning for the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) at the Hillcrest/San Diego Gay Pride festival. I'll be continuing the campaign while working on "door".... so going door to door and signing up members to support us. Thursday I was promoted to a salaried staff position in the office, so mostly likely 60+ hours a week. Then, sometime in August or September, I'll be sent to a swing state to organize volunteers and voters for the election. When I get back to San Diego after Nov. 4, I have no idea what will happen. Hopefully I'll be hired as an Assistant Director in San Diego, but its not likely. Who knows...

I hope everyone is doing well. My life has become this job. I enjoy it... there is nothing else much new. Other than the fact that Adam and I have been seeing each other for 3 months now. He is sooo sweet. ... smart, responsible, and dignified too. He's kinda cute in the fact that we picked out a book to read together and we go grocery shopping together sometimes. We don't see each other much. But we have been having fun checking out the aquarium in La Jolla, and we went sea kaying for his birthday. ... there were even baby dolphins out in the cove. And the worlds largest (perhaps 2nd) Giant Kelp Bed! I can't wait to get back into school and study again.

Happy 4th of July

For me, America feels like a dog eat dog world. Its all about making the most money, even when it means that people die. Of course people are going to be like that all around the world. And I know that it is mostly unintentional. But seems like in America, in order to beat the game, you have to play the game. While in Rome, do as the Romans do.

However, when you live in your own sustainable environment, its not like that.... you just be. You are in control of yourself. Your food and water and shelter you made with your own hands or you know the people that produce/provide what you use. I now realize what it is that made me fall in love with East Frisia. Sure, it had the 19th century charm. But Ostfriesland was largely independently sustainable. They were entirely dependent on local wind and solar energy... even selling off the excess. I could bike to school or the store. My potatoes came from the neighboring town, my milk from my next door neighbor. My tea cup was made locally and the sad part is that only in the past 30 years has items such as clothing and toasters and tourists have brought new items and practices into Ostfriesland. It was a special treat to go to the gelato/ice cream store because it was Italian. It was a unique experience to eat toast because the bread was not made locally. The teahouses now sell coffee at tea time and mixed tea blends. The people of East Frisia created their own environment hundreds of years ago and they know what must be done to sustain it. That means letting the sheep graze on the coastal dikes instead of cows for example. Its honest work. Straight forward.

Unfortunately, that kind of world is dying. Ostfriesland cannot survive on its own anymore without tourists. Everywhere from Pakistan to Tanzania to Oaxaca, to small town USA, people are learning that they have to plug into the outside world for survival, travel farther distances for necessities such as water, food, and gas. Its a scary interdependent world. Dare I even say the catchphrase: globalization? But what happens when those communities don't or can't do so? There are impractical things that simply become impossible when, for example, families in Mozambique must spend 6-12 hours just to obtain a 5-gallon jug of water or the nearest medical clinic to your small Mexican town is a 36 hour walk down the mountains... and they don't even speak your language at the clinic; or even small towns in northern California have no electricity and power because they are too far out in the country and must survive on diesel generators that run on fuel that costs over $5.00 a gallon and the nearest grocery store is 26 miles away. Small communities die from a lack of necessities. But surely, these things are not new in human history. The difference is that instead of these communities dying in their natural cycle as do all communities in the history of the human race, suddenly globalization is an answer, a solution that never was available before.

Mass production and better communication/infrastructure has and continues to make the lives of billions of people better each day. The biggest problem for me right now is that most people don't even realize, or worse yet don't even care that they are being bought out. Their desires, thoughts, values, etc are all shaped by a few corporations that make millions and billions of dollars each year. They are apathetic. The reason that you dive a car on a freeway instead of taking the train is because Ford bought out and created the seedlings of the massive infrastructure we use today over 100 years ago. Or the reason you eat fruit from South America instead of the berries in your backyard is because it is cheaper, or perhaps safer, or even... more convenient? So the question for me is, how can this wonderful yet difficult answer called globalization avoid becoming rampant consumerism? How can small town independence and/or locally sustainable efforts in food/water/energy production be streamlined with globalization efforts? And even more important, what are the consequences if we don't?

Comments

So, for the past 2 months I have been receiving rather derogatory and defaming comments on my blog. I very much enjoy receiving comments and learning from others their opinions. But I would appreciate those comments to be accompanied by a name and not be anonymous, or not be posted at all. THANK YOU!

Million For Marriage petition

Do you want to live in a country that legalizes discrimination? Despite the recent California Supreme Court decision that denying same-sex couples the right to marry is unconstitutional, efforts are underway throughout the country to take away rights from same-sex couples.

I just joined thousands of others in showing my support for marriage equality for all. But recently, proponents of bigotry and hate collected even more signatures in an attempt to invalidate the California Supreme Court decision. And they won't stop with California - extremists are even trying to add a ban of marriage for same-sex couples to the U.S. Constitution.

We are at a turning point in our nation's history and I'm hoping you'll join me in standing up against discrimination. Please sign the Million for Marriage petition and get us one name closer to showing that Americans overwhelmingly support marriage equality!

http://www.MillionForMarriage.org

Every committed couple deserves to enjoy the privileges and responsibilities conferred by marriage. Add your name to the petition and be a part of the movement to fight for marriage equality for all.

Thank you!

Gas Prices

Wow... so I saw a gas station that was over $4.70 a gallon yesterday. I'm buying a bike any day now. In the meantime, here is some interesting information...

Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:

Sunoco.........................0 barrels

Conoco........................0 barrels

Sinclair.......................0 barrels

BP / Phillips................0 barrels

Hess. ............................0 barrels

ARC0............................0 barrels

Maverick........................0 barrels

Flying J. ........................0 barrels

Valero............................0 barrels

Murphy Oil USA ............. 0 barrels (Sold at Wal-Mart)

The other companies such as ExonMobil, Cheveron, etc are making record profits while also being the largest contributers to global warming pollution. They are also exempt from many industry standards and regulations here in the USA that local companies much comply to. Therefore, they can get away with much more. So, THREE reasons to boycott middle eastern oil. BTW.... if you drive 65 mph, instead of 75 mph, you save 50 cents a gallon when driving! Driving 60 rather than 65 lowers fuel costs by an additional 20 cents a gallon!!! 55 mph is the ideal speed to save gas however.

Question: What's your advice to the average American who is hurting now, facing the prospect of $4 a gallon gasoline?

President Bush: Wait, what did you just say? You're predicting $4 a gallon gasoline?… I hadn't heard that."

— News conference, Feb. 28, 2008

Gas prices

Gas prices have now hit $4.57 a gallon. This time last year I was paying around $2.80. jeeze. On one hand I totally can't afford this. On the other... I hope gas prices hit $8.00 a gallon! (thats the environmentalist in me speaking). So... my next paycheck, I'm buying a bike. Tomorrow I'm going to the DMV and hoping that I have everything I need to get registered and licensed quickly. I got my smog test yesterday and passed. whooo!

Wild Parrots

OMG, so there are totally WILD parrots that live in Southern California. Last week while canvassing I stumbled upon one, literally parading up and down a gate to a house I wanted to go to. I thought it was weird, but I didn't think anything of it. Then yesterday while in Ocean Beach (a community within San Diego) I saw a whole troop of them in the palm trees, squawking and such. I didn't even know parrots were in North America, let alone San Diego. I want to take pictures and post things on my blog here, but my camera lens has stopped working. Its stuck in the camera and wont come out! :*(

But anyway. Parrots. Thats AWEsome.

Canvassing

So, I totally love canvassing. And being healthy. And canvassing while being healthy...

I started on Monday with campaigning (canvassing) and Monday and yesterday were awful. I didn't get anyone to support us on the issue. But my problem was that I didn't have my act together. I couldn't get the information out without sounding like a robot, etc, etc. However, this evening I totally got my act together and did great. I can't wait until next week to do this full time. As for the rest of this week... I'm at the museum. We are having the gallery opening of Georgia O'Keeffe and the Stieglitz (sp?) circle. I wish Georgia O'Keeffe hadn't died, then I would have been able to meet her tomorrow! Schade! We have two more parties this week, Friday and Saturday, that I am also working. Sooooo, should be fun. Its been crazy this week trying to manage the transition between jobs and figure out how to keep my self feed, on time. Pay day is friday... whoooo... I get to make a trip to the DMV and become a California citizen! I'll probably do that next week though when I get through inspections and stuff.

Rwanda Rerun

Just a quick note, violence has escalated in the Darfur-Sudan Conflict. We all have seen movies like Hotel Rwanda or Blood Diamond. Well, this is not a movie.... and this kind of violence is what is going on right now as we speak. The numbers (deaths) add up quickly, so if you care, click on the title of this blog entry, or the following....

http://action.savedarfur.org/campaign/escalation_fb?rk=d1cxfh4q3cIeE

and sign the petition. Please check out the website as well (click on home at the top) and see what else you can do.

.... Never forget we live in a democratic society. Thus, your responsibility is to ACT.

Civil Wars

A rather striking thought (actually several) occurred to me during my world history course today... as we entered into the contemporary era, starting with WWI, there was a great shift in political structures (democracies replaced monarchies), gender relations, living environment (rural to city) and class structures (a decline in land holding aristocracy and an increase in upper class members with wealth based on merchant activities, etc). WWI and WWII were, essentially, western wars. Now, if I were to draw rather loosely upon the infamous Foreign Affairs article, The Clash of Civilizations by Samuel P. Huntington, in that the world could be divided up into relative cultural civilization zones (the West, Latin American, Arab, etc), would it be safe to say that WWI and WWII were essentially "Civil Wars" within the Western civilization?!?! Thus, could we predict that a major theme of our contemporary era is Civil War? ...will the rising powers of Asia, Arab nations, Latin America, Africa eventually be confronted with these civilization-wide civil wars. hmmmm. that kinda gives an interesting macro structure to things.

Global Warming and Gay Rights

So, you all have probably heard, California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage that was passed in 2000 by a 60% majority via public ballot. Things are crazy here! Its the most amazing feeling to see everyone so happy here in Hillcrest. And for me personally, its liberating. Can you imagine living as a second class citizen? ... never knowing if you will be fired from your job for your sexual orientation or if some gang beats you up, there is no legal recourse whatsoever!?!? I made a vow that I would never marry a guy until gay rights were granted and gays, bi's, lesbians, and trans could marry too.

The fight has just begun though. People are already rallying behind the pro and con sides. There has been a petition to put a constitutional ban on gay marriage on the ballot come this November. So, I've decided to quit my job at the museum (I'll only be working part time on weekends to keep my employee benefits there) and join up again with the organization I was working with this past winter and campaign and organize people here in San Diego to protect and uphold the court decision. GLBT issues have destroyed my family and my life and working on this has never felt so right in my entire life. I won't give up a future of full equality for myself and my family and future generations for anything.

Game Plan: the next 1.5 months we are working on a Global Warming campaign (the second dearest issue in my heart and my obsession for nearly 7 years) and if I make top numbers in our office, I'll be given (hopefully) responsibility for the Human Rights Campaign here in Hillcrest. 92103 baby!

With the CA court being one of the most influential courts in the country, if we can make this happen, it will only be a matter of time before the rest of the country will follow. CA was the first to legalize interracial marriage. This is no different. A poll in 2006 indicated that people are shifting support towards gay rights. In just 6 years, the numbers in opposition went from 61% to only 51%.

On a side note, the Interior Department declared the Polar Bear officially as an endangered species on Wednesday. The idiots, however, left out vital information from the report that will effectively render the polar bear as un-save-able because the only thing that can be done is to prevent the ice from melting.... which idiot Dirk Kempthorne declared is not a significant enough issue to address seeing that the Endangered Species Protection Act is "not designed" to fight global warming. So... what is it designed to do Mr. Secretary of the Interior?

Dad's home

So, Dad just got home from a week sojourn on the east coast. I'm happy to see him again! :D I also seem to have inherited a rather pretty ring, and no one knows who it belongs to.

It's been a great week. Paul started his job, and he works evenings, so he sleeps during the day (and so thus it's quiet) and then I get the house to myself at night! I've been cooking all week. There are these funny fruits called loquats here in southern California. Adam has a tree in his apartment complex, so we picked a whole bunch and I made cobbler for him. This picture makes them look bigger than they are. They are only about 2" long.

I had a job interview with a small biotech firm in La Jolla, right across from Torrey Pines Golf Course (where the PGA is held). There are a second round of interviews next week. The woman I interviewed with will call me by Wednesday if she wants to see me again. I'm so nervous! This is the first time I have applied and interviewed for a job that is part of my career. I really need this break, for the experience, and career, and to get back into school. I figure I can get into the UC schools; establish residency and get free tuition. Thus, I need to work for a year and if I get this job (which is full salary, basically at a bachelors' degree pay rate and benefits) it'll work out fine. Next fall (so 1.5 years from now) I'll apply to one of the UC schools, either here in San Diego or something up north where it isn't as expensive to live. The experience from this job will help me get into the super-competitive science programs here, and get a bit out of debt. Plus, La Jolla is the freaking most awesome place in the US. Work gets out at 4:30... by 4:45 i'm on the beach, chillin'!

San Diego pictures

I forgot how much I love my camera and taking pictures. Here are the koalas at the San Diego zoo (free admission because I am a park employee!) the other picture is me at Mt. Soledad with Adam. That is the pacific ocean! :D

Healthy Becky

So, I just got back from the Doctor, and this totally deserves a public post. I'M HEALTHY! it's seriously like a miracle. Ok, so things aren't perfect and i've got a ways to go before I'm completely put back together, but enough so of a clean bill of health to merit no more doctor appointments for 2 months. WHOO! It's been an amazing week.

The museum closed our major exhibit so traffic is slow and boring, and will be until our Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit opens on the 18th. I've been enjoying working with the administrative aspect of Security as well. I'm no longer working at the deli. I guess I am not very talented at carving meat and cheese and putting them on bread to make a sandwich, but that is ok. I was not liking it at all anyway. I'm going back to the Environment California job and canvassing on May 19th, part-time. I might possibly go full time after I turn 21 in June. I am SO looking forward to that. I won't be a god-damn "child" anymore. I'll have legal rights and the courts in NY can't order me around anymore. Or anyone else for that matter either.

I've started seeing someone here in San Diego and have made some friends. We went to Mt. Soledad in La Jolla, just north of San Diego proper, but still within the "city" limits. It was beautiful. Then we found a neat restaurant in Pacific Beach. It was great because they had gluten free food (Cali is great... so many restaurants have GF menus) and a vegetarian section.

I'm still depressed about Wooster not working out. I got an extension on my scholarship and I would totally do anything to continue doing research with Dr. Edmistion. But, somehow, it just doesn't feel right anymore. My friends are all graduating, I don't have enough funding to finish out, the food and doctors I need are not easily to obtain, and I am not prepared academically for Wooster classes. Its a decision that I need to make before June 6th. I have to renew my drivers license. And whether or not I register in California or Ohio will be the deciding factor. Very, very scary. I found a graduate program/direction that I would like to pursue. It's called Anthropogeny. I just need to get an undergraduate degree. I know what I want to do now, I want to continue doing research. And if I stay here in California, I can get free tuition at a state school.... kinda makes sense, no? Did I mention UCSD (University of California: San Diego) is one of the top research schools in the nation? Jeeze... the only thing to fear is fear itself.

working, and working, and working

so, i've been working hard at my two jobs, both of which are never consistent. I'm trying to catch up on my bills. but it's not working very well. Another round of court battles ensue on may 8th. the last one didn't go so well. it looks like dad and I won't be able to keep ourselves in this apartment. The problem is, that are rent is already the lowest in the area. but the good news is that i got an extension on my scholarship at Wooster, so I might be able to get back in January, yea! ... if we can get through this. I'm sick of living in constant fear. never knowing what will happen. One week everything is going to be ok, the next week the whole world feels like it is collapsing on me. I can go to Wooster, i can't go to Wooster. I can cover all my bills, then I can't. We are going to loose the house and the car gets repossessed, then it isn't. Back and forth, back and forth. Everything.

my spare time (whats left) is taken up by cooking my meals in preparation for the week and reading a bit. I've started making some friends too... so that is fun, hanging out and stuff. its good for me, lol.

Moving on

Increasingly it feels like my parents are fighting over me because it is something to fight about. I don't think very many people could possibly imagine the horror I've been through in the past 3 months. When it comes to money, my parents fight over me so they can get tax write-offs and other support payments to pay off credit cards, mortgages, etc. But when it comes to helping me with medical bills, food, or going to school... forget it. I'm non-existent.

I have dreams and goals. Things I want to do. To see. To be. But it feels like one half of those things I'm being or have been prevented from accomplishing. The other half I'm too afraid of because every time I try to achieve them myself (mind you... without much support or guidance) I often failed. When I succeeded, it didn't matter to my family. I guess I had chosen poor friends because they didn't care much either.

San Diego feels like both my prison and my haven of respite. If I went back to school, would everything just magically be better though? No... But I'd at least like the chance to pretend.

Job

I started my job on Wednesday, and totally love it. I have been working the new India exhibit. I'm so tired because I am on my feet the whole time, but I love being with all the artwork. It is rather inspiring. It makes me want to work harder at learning Hindi. I even got a gift certificate for $25 at amazon, so I bought a book on Hindi, another on eastern philosophy, and a third on meditation today. In conjunction with my homework from my doctors I've been learning how to meditate. One of the galleries next to the India exhibit is full of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. I must being doing something right because today I even got a promotion, already! I work 5 days a week, with Monday and Tuesdays off.

I've been learning some interesting things this week about mind-body medicine and have been reading a book called the Mozart Effect. It has been so exciting to work with the Pandora radio and compile genres of music that go along with my Music History course work. I'm slowly working though my World History course. For the first time in as long as I can ever remember, I am starting to feel well again. My blood sugar is starting to stabilize and I'm sleeping normally again.

I've become such a strong person. I'm going to make it through!

Knowledge is Power!

I'm going to rant and rave and bitch about something I know nothing about.... so, something that I have realized about the United States is that it is a place of dreams. If you have a dream and are willing to work hard, this is the place for you. The brightest and the best from all around the world are lured here. It can be cut-throat at times, but no one will ever take away your dreams! You have a chance, a hope... You are told that nothing is set, you can move between social classes and be what ever you want to be! There are laws to protect your rights against anyone and anything. And if you feel threatened or want to express you opinion, you are free to do so.

But what about the people that don't want to fight to be the best? What about the people that strive to be mediocre?; just to have the basics: food, shelter, family, etc. The American dream is a house and a car and two kids with a white picket fence. But dreams need to be worked for. If you aren't fighting, then you are loosing... because America is where only those that "work hard" get everything they want.

Some people, to put it in a Social Darwinian perspective, just aren't fit.

But let me ponder a bit more. If the socially unfit are not worth taking care of but are also the backbone of the society as the working class, eventually these "hard working" people at the top will keep working harder to take more and more for themselves. The actual working class is left with a promise and a dream and are told, no one can take away your dream, this is America! Only thing is, ...they just leave out the part that it is only a dream. Personally, I would rather be told that my dream is impossible in the first place rather than be deceived. Eventually the underclass with either give out, or like all good human societies... persevere against all odds.

For me, if I have to be a number, I would rather be a number (think social security number xyz, living on plot 123 in apartment 456, working at abc company listed under 789 registration code, etc.) in a society where power is not in the hands of those who have a stake in making money, where everything is analyzed in profit margins. Our government has a revolving door at the top: senators become CEO's and the richest lawyers get seats in congress. When the president is done being the president, he goes back to running his billion dollar multi-international firms. Everything is so decentralized and so many people have a stake in the process that no one person is to blame. And no one person can fix it either.

Knowledge is Power.

Ohio primaries

I'm so excited for the debate in Ohio tonight. I got my absentee ballot yesterday, and I'm voting tonight! Been doing a little research and realized a shocking fact. The speaker of the House does not need to be elected from the House... it could be an outsider! I'm wondering who would be the vice president as well. When I think about the choosing of the vice president, often the runner up is selected. Although, certainly not always! I can imagine both Clinton and Obama in the presidency. But my question then becomes, who would be a better VICE president?

The Vice President needs to be someone strong and determined, hard working, capable of getting things done in a no nonsense way, and has proven he/she can do so with a track record to boot. He/She needs to be capable of ceremonial duties, being high profile, and not always getting the credit for everything. This person has the responsibility of running a country without being totally accountable to the public opinion polls, otherwise nothing would get done.

The President on the other hand needs to be a visionary; strong, determined, a listener, and a problem solver. He/she needs to be able to connect with the common person, at least on the surface level, whether that be from ideals, background, past employment, history, etc. He/she has a responsibility to guide the administration along the fine line of public sentiment and realistic policy making. However, he/she needs to be able to propose radical ideas and have the humility to put those ideas aside if they are not realistic. The President needs have the personal power and charisma to get things done, when and where he wants them with no questions asked. This requires, above all, loyalty. And loyalty comes from respect. But there 2 kinds of respect: one comes from fear the other comes from admiration.

The best President of the United States can be judged in the ability to instill loyalty and respect, have compassion, empathy for the people, be charismatic, benevolent, and powerful. And in my opinion, the greatest act of power is that in which mercy is given. The difference between mercy and weakness is that when mercy is expected, you are weak. When mercy is unexpected, those whom you grant mercy to not only know what could have happened in its stead but also feel indebted, thus strengthening loyalty and your own power.

So the question becomes, what kind of respect does Obama and Clinton, and even McCain instill in me? This encompasses the ability to foster respect in groups of people radically different from my own as well, both inside my country and in other countries. In the end, we are choosing a leader that has enormous power over our own lives and the lives of many many people in countries around the world, both directly and indirectly.

So if all power comes from either fear or admiration (born out of and fostered by hard or soft power), and the Bush administration has preached a doctrine of fear, fear the US, fear the terrorists, fear foreigners, etc. and some of the "best" presidents of the 20th century were those who fostered loyalty in the form of trust and admiration, Chinese loyalty in the 70's and 80's, Russian loyalty during detente, trust in social programs, etc... who can best foster these sentiments in our current three candidates?

President Bush knew that Saddam knew that we wouldn't normally invade and destroy his country. Saddam expected mercy, the hallmark of American power. Our power was weakened because Saddam had no fear or admiration of the US. The misguided War in Iraq was therefore, not misguided in the decision to invade to prove American power. If the United States expected to have power over Iraq, then loyalty either through hard or soft was required to restore that power. But the bully in the schoolyard only picks on the other kids cuz there are deeper problems in his/her own life. The bully also takes no responsibility for his/her own actions and leaves his/her victim in the dust to suffer the consequences of the attack alone.

squirrels

I realized today after seeing a squirrel that it was the first squirrel I've seen since I left Wooster! There are so many squirrels in Wooster that sometimes we take them for granted. :/

I'm totally enjoying a new radio program I found. I'm a devoted radio listener. I grew very board of collecting songs on iTunes and taking up so much space on my computer. Then I discovered the international music radio stations on iTunes. I've now been eagerly exploring Pandora radio at www.pandora.com You type in a song or band and it finds similar songs/bands and plays an entire radio station of matches. You can even combine multiple "stations" and fine tune the selection! I've been very excited about the possibility of synthesizing a great variety of information I have collected on historical music by creating stations about a particular era and writing information about the music styles. Check out my stations on the right side under the video bar. :D

I'm published!

I finally got the information on the article that I helped Dr. Edmiston on! here is the link...

http://pubs.acs.org/cgi-bin/abstract.cgi/cmatex/asap/abs/cm0716001.html

yeah!

spring

I am trying to decipher if Spring has actually arrived here. The trees are in bloom... the gardeners are planting flowers at the park. It is as if everything has been perfectly orchestrated for Valentines day. Although it is overcast and somewhat chilly today, the fact that is has been 70-80s and sunny out all week (hence why I have not written much... i've been outside!) makes me wonder.

Getting my background check and all the details has been a real hassle with my job at the art museum. I am extremely anxious to start working but will probably have to wait another 2 weeks at least! uhg.

I started a course in World History this week. 1-1.5 hours a day. It is very different from any history class I have ever taken, much more theory oriented. But nice. It blends well so far with some anthropology books I have been meaning to get through anyway. I'm still plodding through my polysci books from college. I finished my lecture series on China last week. ...That was very interesting!

Explorations

I found 2 Buddhist temples withing 4 blocks of me, a walking/footpath suspension bridge over a nearby ravine/gorge, and a new museum (a historic building) with gardens that are still gorgeous in winter! What an amazing place! I just can't get over the weather either. 70's and sunny. On another subject...

how does one tell the difference between democracy and populism? ... and what do we do when populism in the name of democracy goes horribly wrong??

economic prosperity and sunlight

If anyone out there has access to some good information, I would be most grateful if they could answer a question for me.

Is there a correlation between the percentage of sunlight (or cloud cover) and the overall economic prosperity of a state or nation?

Looking at states; take the five permanent members of the UN security council: USA, Russia, Britain, Germany, and China. I take these 5 because in one way or another they have demonstrated considerable power and/or prosperity, thus enabling them to secure those permanent seats. I can hardly believe the USA, Germany, and Britain can be counted among the most popular destinations when one is looking for a sunny vacation. As for Russia and China... i don't know enough about them to made a claim. On the other side, states such as Italy and Spain have high rates of annual sunlight and are (arguably) on the weaker end of the economic spectrum among the core EU states. I would imagine that a considerable amount of adjustments would have to be made in order to account for political and other factors.

... just a thought. Would be kind of interesting bit of knowledge. What would some of be the implications be if a strong correlation did exist?

Hair cut!

I got my hair cut today!!! It is now much thinner than i am used to. The under layer is very very curly and wavy. Most of the upper layer has been cut off (which is stick straight). It will definitely take some time to get used to. But it is very pretty. Perhaps I will get a picture up some time.

I have been very sick these past few days. I anxiously wait for Monday when my tests are over.
I have the house to myself for the rest of the weekend. Already it is much too quiet and lonely. Our pluming got backed up last night and we sent 5 hours trying to unplug it. Finally we had a plummer come this morning and he had to actually cut part of the pipes to unclog them! It was a disaster because all of the sinks in the apartment were backing up into the bathtub. Thank god the toilet wasn't backing up too!

The weather was absolutely beautiful today. It smelled like spring and the sun has been shining all week. I wish I could set up my hammock, but we don't have a yard or trees. The temperature is just perfect.

I hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all!

becky wheel

check out the first video in the video bar.... its me!

Super Tuesday!

yea... yesterday was Super Tuesday. I watched the news for 4 hours. It looks like it will be an exciting, prolonged event. Hopefully the candidates won't drop dead! normally they get this time to rest before the major election!

no news on when i start my job. :( but i'm happy that it is such a good fit. been reading a lot. today is a cooking day. I start medical testing today and it goes until monday. So, i gotta stock up on my food supply!

Job

I was just offered a really sweet job!!!! I'm so excited. It's part time, good pay, and in an art museum! Benefits include free and unlimited passes to all San Diego museums and the zoo!! Whoo! And since it is only in the park, which is 6 blocks away, I can totally walk to work. :D

Smart Cars

Whooooo! About 2 years ago I blogged about Smart Cars in Europe. And OMG i saw my first one yesterday. SOOOOO exciting. I think i'm obsessed. The first US models came out after the first of the year. Here in San Diego there is already a 1.5 year wait. I totally want one :)

Renewed

I don't know if there is anyone out there still reading this, but I've decided to start writing again. I'll also be starting a second blog, based on my health issues. There is a link on the right hand side under "links". I have updated the template of my blog and many of the settings. And don't worry, all the old posts from Europe are still there!

I'm now in San Diego. In October I finally reached a point where I could not go on with school, and so I dropped out on medical leave. My father moved to San Diego over the past summer, so I decided to move here. It was a move based on the health care opportunities and quality of living (or potential thereof) of Southern California. Since my last post, my academic adviser, my mentor, and (arguably) my hero, Dr. Edmiston, managed to pull some strings and keep me at Wooster. I worked for him the whole summer and now this month I shall be published as a co-author for the work that I did for him. So exciting! It has been devastating to leave Wooster and all that I had grown to love there. I struggled so much to readjust to American life. But now here I am, far away again.

I apologize for not writing. At first the reason, I truly believed, was that no one cared. Then, as my health issues became overwhelming over a year ago, it was much too difficult to write and keep up. Finally, the past year my family has gone through so much upheaval that I have been afraid to write, in fears that what I write may be used in court against me. But life goes on, and we struggle. To this day, I believe that one should never burn bridges, the very reason I named my blog so. But I have also learned that some bridges need to be burned and new ones built. So, I am building a new bridge with this blog. welcome back to my blog!

Chaos

I must apologize for the delay in writing, and not responding to emails that several people sent to me after my last post. I couldn't respond due to the nature of what is going on in my life... until now.

To make a long story short, my parents have split up and my father has recently taken a new job in San Diego, CA. Since I have been out of the house for 2 years already and now that financially my parents can't help me go to college , I am dropping out of Wooster to move to Columbus, OH. There, I have found a part-time job working as a pharmacy technician and I am moving in with my grandmother. If I can save up enough money, I might be able to go to a community college there in Columbus.

Currently, I am doing research in the chemistry department of the College of Wooster. Here, I am making glass that expands about 4x when oils are added to it. Since it is a new invention (of my teacher) I am helping to figure out it's molecular structure and all the things that it can and/or potentially do. It is amazing fun! I could seriously imagine myself doing this kind of research for the rest of my life. It is unfortunate that leaving Wooster also means leaving behind a career in the sciences and/or medicine (which is what I have always wanted to do...its long and complicated why I can't pursue the sciences). So, I guess you could say I am searching for a new direction in life, already!

... things have been very difficult for me these past 6 months. In addition, my "sickness" that brought me down has not ceased, rather I have discovered that it is related to my diet. So, I have to cook nearly everything I eat from scratch. There could be worse things in life! At least I'm a good cook!

My spare time after work has given me much time to think about things and to do some reading. Most everyone has left campus for the summer. I hope that my time in Columbus will be as exciting and inspiring as the last 2 years have been abroad and then here at Wooster. Each of those years, successively, has been the best year of my life.

Exams

so.... exams are coming up. Only a week left of school, then exam week. Then I leave Wooster. :( I totally can't sleep right now. Its 3 am. I'm a bit sad to say goodbye to everyone, yet I'm excited about doing research for 10 weeks.

Here at Wooster I have met lots of people, especially interesting ones from all over the world. Yet, I don't feel as if I have learned as much as I did in Germany. Sure.... textbook smarts, and a bit about myself actually living on my own this time... but the excitement of exploration and curiosity and appreciation of life's little things that Europe treasures so much is missing here. I hope to move to a bigger city soon where more people are. I have become frustrated with the United States and it's small town life.

One bit of good news... I'm getting a car next week!!! It should be lots of fun. Life sure is full of surprises!

it has been forever since I have written. Life is simply hard. School is coming to an end. This summer I am taking a research position here at the college and thereafter I am moving to Columbus so that I may work for a couple of years and save some money to go back to school. If I can afford it, I may try to complete some of my courses at a community college there. I would like to get a license in massage therapy so that I can work my way through school.

pictures of campus!!!

This is the lovely view I see everyday from the cafeteria which is on the thrid floor above the student union! It is much prettier in person. A wonderful reason why you should come visit me! (even the food is pretty good here too)







From left to right.... Aneeb (Pakistan), Rashmi (India), me, Erum (Tanzania)







This is part of the Academic Quad... with the Chemistry building first and the Biology one sort of behind.







This is my hallway. My door is the 2nd on the left, sort of in that shadow area behind the white column. I have a single room!! My floor is in the basement, so our windows have pretty views of a concrete wall. But at least they are big to let in the wandering rays of sunshine that actually make it into the "trench" like thing that surround the building.






Aneeb and I

pyrex?

ok... so guess what.... Becky is finally well enough for longer than a week to get a chance to write TWICE in her blog in one week. Can you believe it?!?!

Break is slowingly coming to an end. Although I didn't get as much done as I had hoped, I feel like I have been given a chance to get back on my feet and start fresh (and with a running start!) with a new semester at school.

This break time has also given me a chance to get back in contact with the many many people that I fell out of contact with. I feel so blessed because so many of my friends are scattered all over the world. Well... its a blessing and a curse. I don't ever want to loose those contacts. Its so much fun to hear from them.

I'm excited to get started on my new classes. I'm taking all sciences. Biology and Chemistry. with lots of labs! I'm also working at my job (Alcohol and Drug awareness coordinator) and hopefully starting a reasearch position on Sol-gels... a special engineered glass. I guess pyrex is one kind. Excepting this kind is expandable when given an organic solevant. weird! My EMS First Responder shifts should start sometime too. yippie!

This sunday I made a presentation with Nicole Smith at church. We are trying to raise funds to go to Mexico on a medical missionary trip with David & Mary Kay Ness and Bertha Guild. It sounds like an amazing oportunity. The scary part is that we are leaving in 6 weeks and I have to pack, like, this week because I won't be home again between now and then. EEEEEE!!

I hope that anyone still reading my blog had a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Thank you for reading!!!!

Winter break

It doesn't seem like I can keep up to date on these blogs like I could in Germany! I want to blame it on the Lyme Disease, but in a way, the US just doesn't put the awe and inspiration into my every thought like so much of Europe did. My discoveries now are limited to biology and chemisty and my other classes and getting to know other people on campus, especially the internationals in my dorm. When I'm not crashing from lack of sleep (school related and illness related!) i'm just trying to get by. I passed all of my classes and exams with a 3.2 overall average and I am very pleased, considering.

Aneeb and I are together and very happy. I love learning so much about South Asia and I have made many other friends from India and Pakistan as well. Even though my studies are very focused, I feel that I am still getting a very varied liberal arts education from just being around other people learning other things.

We have been out of school for 3 weeks now and I still have a week left. Life has been busy during break. I brought a lot of work home that am behind on from my job. I took almost a month off when I was going through treatment.

I can't wait to start my classes next week. I have a very busy schedule. For now, I am trying to sleep as much as I can before things start up again. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!