Monday, February 28, 2011


Wir rannten beide durch das Leben,
voller Zuversicht und stark,
die ganze Welt gehörte uns
und das Leben war ein Park.
Von allem nur das Beste,
ganz hoch hinaus,
von allem nur das Beste,
so sah es aus.
Und dann bin ich aufgewacht,
mit dem Rücken an der Wand,
ich hab so viel falsch gemacht,
unser Park ist abgebrannt.
Von allem nur das Beste,
ist schon lange her.
Von allem nur das Beste,
das gibts nicht mehr.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.
Ich weiss nicht mehr was es war
unsere Wege trennten sich
ich dacht ich komm alleine klar
und ich brauch dich nicht.
Auf alles was glitzert
ich hab drauf gezielt
und was wirklich zählte,
ich habs verspielt.
Auf der Suche nach dem Besten,
hab ich mich verletzt,
denn du warst doch am besten,
das weiss ich jetzt.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.
Hilf mir,
ich fall immer tiefer runter,
Hilf mir,
siehst du nicht ich geh schon unter,
Hilf mir,
du hast soviel Liebe übrig gib mir deine Hand und rette mich.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Life Beyond School

I seriously have had a multimedia & computer technology explosion. I've been learning computer skills at a free workshop/continuing education program at the City Career Centers. All the technical skills that I never knew were holding me back are suddenly allowing me to do things I have *always wanted to do* but didn't really know how.

Like have an online art collection.... now at deviantart! (I'm MoralAnimal0369)

Like launch a campaign to help youth that are dealing with difficult life challenges. I've seriously been asked dozens of times over the past 5 years to write a book or do public speaking. I now have the rudiments of a non-profit put together. Sweet (for me.... happy dance)! Check it out.... To be honest, I am surprised at how easy it was to put together. I guess I've been contemplating more than I thought.

BTW... Since I am starting a non-profit, I am looking for people to be on the board. Let me know if you are intersted.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

THE BEST 101 PHOTOS of my year abroad

I just put together my DeviantART site.... I can't believe that it has taken me so long to do so. Now I have a sizable collection of my art and writings there. Check it out! (link is on the right hand side)

I also redid my company website and created a second website for the parent company of Willow Tree Retreat Center. Links are on the right too.

THE BEST 101 PHOTOS of my year abroad

These photos have been taken across Eurasia, including the countries of France, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, the Czech Republic, Hungary, Turkey, and parts of the German and Holland North Sea. *These photos are the sole property of Rebecca Volzer and may not be copied or distributed without written permission*

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Seven Stages of Healing (alex)

We've all heard of the stages of healing. It varies some from model to model.

Stage 1- Denial
Stage 2- Pain & guilt
Stage 3- Anger & Bargaining
Stage 4- Depression
Stage 5- Acceptance
Stage 6- Rebirth
Stage 7- Creating New Life

Learning to be healer, the first order of business is learning to heal myself. Boy, do I have a lot of healing to do. Its been 3 1/2 years now since I made the commitment to live for myself and heal myself. I'm still working through some major issues, but fortunately, I know what most of my issues are now. Things are coming together. I'm not in denial anymore.

What am I working on right now and where am I right now?

Loss of my childhood and sanity from trauma (Stage 3)
Loss of 22 years living as a male (Stage 2)
Loss of my family that won't accept me for who I am (Stage 4)
Loss of my health from a damn tick bite (Stage 1)
Loss of my significant relationship last year (Stage 4)
Loss of my freedom (Stage 5)
Loss of security (Stage 6)
Loss of my dreams (Stage 7)
Loss of my education (Stage 7)
Loss of my diet (Stage 6)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Be Kind to Yourself & Others- Reiki Principle

Compassion is an elusive term for me. What is compassion? It is a form of love, but not really love. It is also a form of empathy, but its not empathy either. Compassion comes from the heart and from the heart chakra. It is green. In fact, the first time I ever felt compassion was while meditating on my heart chakra and surrounding myself with green energy. It has not been an emotion that I have been exposed to much, and if I have been, I probably didn't even know. Apart feeling sad about that and about my past, looking forward how does one be kind to yourself and others if compassion is such a foreign concept?

My new years resolution for 2010 was to learn how to love myself. Over the course of the year, I think being compassionate to myself was a much bigger part of that resolution. I have learned how to deal with crisis, I've learned how to enjoy my 6 senses (vision, hearing, taste, touch, smell, and energy), and I've learned how to meditate. I've learned how to take care of myself. I've learned that I don't have to punish myself when things go wrong or don't go my way. And I have learned that it is ok to be happy. Its ok to be ME.

While I would definitely say I am a happier person now than I have ever been in my life, but I also know that there is a lot more I could do. I still struggle to have compassion for myself when sad or struggling with the challenges of life. As a massage therapist, learning how to be compassionate for myself is key in having compassion for others. If I don't have a healthy compassion for myself, I loose a healthy boundary, which can be dangerous when working in a service industry. I have a history of over compassion and over empathy that leads to co-dependency. But every day, I try to do something for myself. A bath. Sit in the sun. Dream. And day by day I will chip away at the ice block in my heart.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I am

I am intuitive
I am judging
I am introverted
I am compassionate
I am a thinker
I am a fighter
I am a defender
I am a healer
I am a servant
I am a leader
I am neither male nor female, yet I am both
I seek truth
I seek justice
I abhor self-righteousness and megalomania
I respect the higher being in all of us
I honor the humanity in us all
I speak
I sing
I hear
I feel
I see

Food is my sustenance
Water is my comfort
Music is my passion
Color is my experience
Knowledge is fountain
Wisdom is a gift

My body is my shell
My soul is my connection
My mind is my vehicle
My gender is my filter
My higher self is my guide

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Loosing it again (Vickie)

I am stabilizing at about 800 calories a day and able to adequately sustain myself. But, in order to have enough brain energy to do my math homework, I need to eat more food. Unfortunately, eating more food means that my brain stops working because of the chemicals that I am now sensitive to in them. After two weeks of trying to do math review work from last semester, and miserably frustrated because I just don't understand them, I have realized that I might need to drop out of math. This makes me incredibly sad. I was so happy to finally be doing something to get back on track to finish my major. I was finally going to school, and succeeding! I'm in a scary place right now. I'm loosing feeling and sensation in my lower body again. I can't feel my feet anymore. I'm dissociated most of the day. Panic attacks. I feel lost a lot of the time. I am having a hard time determining what gender I am in, and that is causing major dysphoria. I just want to cry. The further I get down this path, the worse the chemically induced depression gets. It gets harder to search out help and advocate for myself.

Maybe if I don't go to Mesa and take these math classes, I can devote more time to building my business and being able to afford health insurance. I have another hypno appointment this week. I hope it helps. Its the only hope I have to hang on to right now.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Hypnotherapy (alex)

Today I became a huge fan of hypnotherapy. There is a new hypno program at school and their new lab is short on clients. So I offered to get a session. During the session, we talked for a while, and then the practitioner hypnotized me. It was like a guided meditation that induced a dream. I felt like I was dreaming. It was amazing.

Today has been a rough day. My ex called me on the phone upset at me because I had gotten a new phone and terminated my half of our contract without telling him. Then at class tonight, we were practicing deep abdominal massage. My partner is NOT good at the whole massage thing. But I made it through everything today. And I had some really good moments too.

I highly recommend trying out hypnotherapy. Its pretty awesome. :-)