Saturday, June 19, 2010

fucking Salt (Alex-green)

I think I figured out why I have been having insomnia! Its partially the bipolar meds (lithium... a salt/metal) and partially that my adrenal glands are fucked up.

The adrenal cortex (the outer layer of the adrenal gland) produces 3 main types of chemicals/hormones.

Those hormones are:

1) Cortisol/Cortisone
2) Mineralcorticoids
3) Angdrogens

Now here is the fun part. Cortisol is the "stress hormone" and cortisone is essentially the same chemical. Its the stuff you can get at CVS in a creme to rub on your skin for pain, itching, and inflammation. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am ALWAYS stressed out, mostly for no reason. And, I'm always numb to pain. When I get contaminated from gluten, my inflammation is SUPER low.

Mineralcorticoids regulate the salt levels in your body and balance how much water you have. Too much can lead to swelling. To little leads to dehydration. Improper salt levels impact your ability to metabolize sugar manifesting as a pseudo-diabetes and/or hypoglycemia. The metals that are embedded in salts are essential for everything from moving your muscles to absorbing other nutrients in your gut after you eat. I've got all of the above.

Androgens are the sex hormones. The primary androgen produced in the Adrenal Glands is DHEA which is a precursor to creating testosterone in the body. I have a super high DHEA level.

I've always had problems with this, but they have gotten significantly worse when I started taking Lithium Carbonate, a lithium salt, for my bipolar. The higher the dosage, the more problems I had. I found that taking high dosages of other minerals helped balance out that high lithium load. But I'm getting to the point that I would MUCH rather resolve what is causing it in the first place. Oh I wish I had health insurance!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Guilt (vickie- red)

So, something I don't understand. There is this huge social stigma to be "normal". Things like mental illness or anything "perceived" as mental illness (like transgenderism or being gay) automatically makes you an outcast. When something goes wrong people always blame it on the fact that you are "sick" and tell you "you need help" or "go see a therapist". So my question is, why then, if you actually do start helping yourself, why is actually getting "help" like a social taboo. Those who are "normal" treat you like shit for doing therapy and many of those who "suffer" like you, think you are betraying them. And if you actually manage to "fix" yourself, you can never really come clean about where you were and what you went through without being see as only the outcast you once were?

Why are people like that? Its a catch 22.

Last night my roommate had an emotional explosion on me. I think she was under the impression that if she left for the weekend, when she came back everything would be fine and I wouldn't be pushing her out the door. I found someone else to rent the room and I asked her to move out by friday, which is one week later than we had originally agreed on. From here, it was "why to you hate me?" and "I'll be homeless because I won't be able to find a place" and "I care about you, I'm the only one that you have" and more and when all that didn't work.... then in started the attacks. She ranted that "no one respects you... your last roommate, your ex-boyfriend, your parents, I'm the only one that cares about you!" to "you never told me you were sick in the head when you moved in!" and "I never knew that you were trans" (I put that in the craigslist ad) and "we were best friends, just yesterday, I don't understand what changed!" and more.

It definiately stung because I have heard this so many times from so many people over the years. And I always believed them, that I was a piece of shit, a lier, someone who made others miserable because of what I am/said/did, and I'm so mentally sick that I have no right to say or think the things that I want. This time was the first time I managed to separate myself from it all, take step back, and use reason. I am proud of myself. I feel I have done the right thing. I have done nothing malicious. It is not my fault that she is not willing or capable to talk rationally. Its hard because I have been in her shoes. I know very keenly how she is thinking, feeling, reacting to all this. I know her part better than mine right now. My part is living for myself. Respect for myself and others.

But I feel very keenly guilty for all the pain and misery I have caused myself and others while I suffered for so long and no one had enough compassion to help me help myself. I gently offered compassion to my roommate. I know how it feels when someone tries to force it on you. But if you don't want it, or you are not ready for it, you can't receive it.

I'm becoming a new person. Trauma Touch is helping me become the person I have always been underneath. I guess my only choice it to keep running towards freedom and remember that looking back is not part of my job description now.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Peace (Bex- green)

Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in you heart. - unknown

Blogger redid all of their templates.... so I have a new background now!

I normally feel this drive to blog every few days. But I haven't this week. Its been the last week of practice before my final exams next week for massage class. I rented a table to practice all weekend and I managed to string up some sheets in my apartment to make an awesome little massage room. I also got a fish! .... and really dumb little water frog too. I've been slowly working through all the money I got 10 days ago. Its like the more money you have, the less you seem to have to get what you want. Why is that?

I decided to kick out my roommate. I didn't get that far though before she got all panicky on me and decided I must be throwing her out on the street and chose her own date to move out (sooner than what I was intending!) I found an awesome new roomie who is genderqueer and we have a ton of things in common. So, I'm hoping for the best! *sigh*.....again.

I bought a light box to help with my insomnia that I have been struggling with. I realized that when I moved into a different room in my apartment I wasn't getting as much sunlight anymore. My sleeping health bombed about the same time which of course impacted everything else! The light box as bulbs that imitate the sun.... yay! I got it on Ebay and it is shipping from Florida, so it might be a while.

Its been really nice to get some things (clothes, wigs, shoes... yea, I totally got elevator shoes for when I am alex!, etc) that help me transition from one gender to the other. Its made my stress levels much lower this week. I also have been working really hard to lower my anxiety and that has helped with the sleeping. I'm actually getting 8 hours now (now just rooting for the quality part with the light box)! Trauma Touch Therapy is making such a huge impact for me too that I am realizing that I have never experienced happiness like this before. Just simply being content through the day is euphoric.

Sorry that this is not insightful and is like an update essay. Better something than nothing, right?

Monday, June 07, 2010

Happy Birthday to ME! (Bex-black)

happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me! happy birthday dear meeeeeeeee. Happy birthday to me!

It was my birthday yesterday!

Seeing that all my friends were co-workers and most have been relocated to other parts of the country or they are uncomfortable around me because of my gender identity or bipolar.... I spent my birthday weekend mostly alone. But you know what? It was the best fucking b-day EVA! (yea I just said eva. if that bothers you go read another blog).

Thursday, 5 months worth of unemployment checks cleared my bank account (I won my case against the unemployment board) so it was a happy day. I've never been so (albeit briefly) rich! I visited all my favorite grocery stores and bought only the most exotic food i could find, or things I've never had before. Then I paid all my bills, my entire car insurance policy, and paid off ALL of my debt from the 3 maxed out credit cards I own! WOOOOOOOO! There was still some to spare.

Friday I drove north along the coast and visited the beautiful rolling hills of Carlsbad. Then later I went out to eat at my favorite Mexican taco place. Then took the trolley downtown for the evening and hung out.

Saturday I went out to lunch at a Persian restaurant with my dad and his partner (it was sooooo good) and then we had birthday cake later on (gluten free, dairy free, yeast free, soy free red velvet.... amazingly good as well). Then I went out shopping at Target and Ross where I got some clothes and cooking stuff and an ipod. That evening I went out dressed as Alex in my new clothes. Ended up at a gay dance club (strippers and bar included). They were hosting a cross-dressing theme and a drag show. It was wild, to say the least.

Sunday (D-day!... both metaphorically and literally. Its a terrible date to be born on.) I slept in. Took a shower and got dressed up in heels, my Vickie wig, a bright orange African hand purse and a bright yellow peasant shirt. I had breakfast somewhere around 2 in the afternoon at my favorite Thai restaurant where I had soup and read a book: a 400 pg literary "review" of Fitzgerald and Hemingway. Came home and went to a second hand shop and got some more clothes (for Alex.... btw... it is difficult to try on clothes for a gender that you are not "in". its disorienting) and came home trying to figure out how to widen my shoulders. I went off to Jo Ann fabrics and got womens shoulder pads and impulsively bought a pattern and cloth to make an apron. Came home, changed into my new Alex ensemble, my roommate came home and freaked out that my boobs were gone, I made pizza (see my post
on my other blog), watched one of my favorite tv shows (ReGenisis) and called it a night.

It was a really good weekend!

Tuesday, June 01, 2010